Trying my best

[GabbiSophia]

Being stuck on the edge if the fence one foot in a boot and the other trying to figure what shoe or heel to wear. After contacting a few therapists and none seeming to want to help because of a lack if insurance. The SO seeming to everyday be hinting her distain for CD/trans world. The every surmounting fact that one will never be passable when it really does matter to ones own self. The facts are that inside you feel like you let everyone down who is around you mom dad wife kids friends business relations. Its a wonder that anyone can do the transition much less tell anyone in their own personal life is amazing.

I sit on this fence knowing there is no way to sit on it. The fact that I will bit let my wife or kids down or hurt them brings the fact up I have responsiblities what right do I have to do this? My love of them and their well being maybe stronger than my feelings of being someone I am not. Fighting the urge to price cause this will never work. Bury it again under twice as much this time.

How have yall done it ? How do just throw life to the wind? I so want my SO to accept I want to let out the bear that eats at me. I really thought talking it out on here would help. Not sure that it has helped me undestand myself. I relate so much to so many stories and I so enveious of those that are transitioning and already done.


Sorry for the dark side. Having a rough two days.

Steph

[Theresa_W]

My thoughts and prayers are with you, Steph. I completely understand where you are coming from, as I myself have been having a bad couple of days myself. I wish I had some sage words of advice, but alas, I'm struggling with the same situation. I just keep praying and putting one foot in front of the other to keep going. I wish you all the best and send you great big hugs.

Terri

[Karren H]

Over riding priorities..... my families needs come before my personal needs or wants..... that dictates how my life flows..... I know I can never be full time or really want to..... so I have to live with the cards that have been dealt...... and make the best of them.... and I fine with that..... and I'm happy..... no mater who's clothes I wear....

[Beverley Sims]

I think we all get a fit of the blues for things that don't turn out this time of the year.
Try and keep it aside until the new year and go out and enjoy life for what it is now.
Get the wife and kids look at the toys and other gifts on offer.
Speak to Santa he may offer a solution to the children any way.
Come back in January and tackle the other world then.
Florida is nice this time of the year.

[Ceri Anne]

I'm with you Steph. It is difficult ballancing who you want to be with your responcibilities. How our SOs respond is a big deterent to coming out. I'ts easy to say we need to be honest and open with them, but there can be a HUGE cost that outweighs our desire to dress. As Karen said, our family responcibilities come first, but with some creativity there should be an acceptable ballance. Your wife already knows it seams, so be patient, balance, and you will find your way along the fence..........after all, cats do it well, we should be able to also.

[Meghan]

Steph

Yes. Every day.

Here gets you only so far. Here helps, to be sure, the controlled and relatively safe exchange of ideas is a great place to start. I believe it's only a starting place, though.

I am clearly and extrovert (I have learned that recently). That means I need energy from others to be at my best, but there is only so much energy a message board can give.

Do you know anyone like us in your local area? Maybe someone you could have a coffee with and just talk?

Meghan

[kimdl93]

Steph, when I was in therapy, the psychologist asked me what I thought the goal of therapy was. My answer was that therapy was suppose to make me happy after a very painful divorce. She said, that was entirely wrong. The goal was to enable me to accept and live with reality.

You sound depressed and understandably so, because right now, you're torn between an ideal and reality. The ideal is never attainable for anyone. If you live for that, you always feel as though you have fallen short or been denied. Instead why not measure your life against where you were last week, last year or five years ago, and celebrate any progress you've made. You'll feel better and you'll be more successful in all aspects of life.

[Kate Simmons]

The bottom line is that it is your life my friend. The direction you take in your life is totally up to you or it simply is not your life. I once had to make a decision. Either be myself or disappoint my family--I chose to be myself, not because I'm selfish but if I didn't I would be on this merry-go-round forever and never make any forward progress being my own person. Families will recover and mine eventually did.It is a tough choice but one that ultimately needs to be made. To make an informed choice, however, we need to really know ourselves and accept ourselves and take ownership of ourselves. That includes taking responsibility for our own actions. This means we must live with the results of our choices, positive or negative and make them work for us. This is the only way we can really move forward Hon.

[becky77]

Steph, when I was in therapy, the psychologist asked me what I thought the goal of therapy was. My answer was that therapy was suppose to make me happy after a very painful divorce. She said, that was entirely wrong. The goal was to enable me to accept and live with reality.

You sound depressed and understandably so, because right now, you're torn between an ideal and reality. The ideal is never attainable for anyone. If you live for that, you always feel as though you have fallen short or been denied. Instead why not measure your life against where you were last week, last year or five years ago, and celebrate any progress you've made. You'll feel better and you'll be more successful in all aspects of life.

Very true, I went to a therapist for an unrelated phobia and all my CDing came out. Since then I am in a much better place, I still live with all the same feelings but I have better tools to organise them now. If you can't change something, change the way you think about it. The right therapist really helps.

[arbon]

How have yall done it ? How do just throw life to the wind?

Well, transitioning, I got to a point were I was willing to loose it all, everything - wife, daughter, friends, family, job, house, money....
The choice to do so was not taken lightly. How do you do it? desperation.

[Angela Campbell]

My solution was one of responsibility, I refuse to allow my affliction (for lack of a better word) to make an impact on others in my life if I can help it. I have lived with this for 50+ years and kept it a secret rather well. Yes I have always wanted to live as a female but it just is not possible for me. I have accepted who and what I am and I have had time to deal with it. I have also accepted that I will never be able to fully transition. So I had to find a balance that would allow me to have the best I can with my situation. I have too much invested in my life and my families life to just go and throw it all away and do what I want, no matter how much I want it. I have found a way to sometimes be a woman, or at least look like one and act as one even with other people and in public. I cannot do so all the time but I can sometimes and I will have to live with that and be happy that I have at least that. It is not ideal but it is making the best of what I have. I understand that the desire is different for everyone but we all have to search for what will make us happy. For me it is protecting the lives of my family first and then doing what I can for myself second. I have found a life that is good for me, your's will be different but the search is the same.