Coming out Help.

[Janelle_C]

My last therapy appointment I ***** girl pants, bra, and black tank top. I was dressed in fem except a male black coat, no wig or makeup. When my wife and I where in the therapy session she asked my wife how she felt about what I was wearing and my wife said that I needed to make up my mind that if I was going to dress like that I needed to come out. She said it wasen't fair if my kids saw me like this and didn't know ahead of time, and found out this way. My goal is to come out to family and friends I HATE this secerat hiding in the house. I dressed to go to my therapy appointment because it felt like a safe place. I told my wife that just because I dressed for my therapy appointment doesn't mean I have to come out. So we spent most of the session on that topic. My therapist said that I should think about coming out to a close friend first, I'm scared.I would love the freedom to dress when I want and not have to worry about someone seeing me and telling my kids. At this point I don't plan on going full time, if I did I don't think my wife would deal with that very well. I just need a little advice I want to come out but the thought of doing that is very scary. Help Hugs Janelle

[bridget thronton]

I was why I told my adult kids - finding out accidentally would have been potentially bad for our relationship

[~Joanne~]

Telling ANYONE is always scary. Once the genie is out of the bottle, there is no going back. I was a bit lost when your wife said she wished you'd make up your mind. It seems as if your mind is already made up. You chose safe places to dress when you chose to, you don't feel comfortable with everyone knowing at this point and maybe she should respect that decision.

Yes, it would probably be bad for your kids to find out by seeing you one day (You didn't say how old the kids were so I assume young) and that should probably be your starting point. Tell the family first. Not the whole family persay but immediate family. Then if you chose, maybe a friend.

Overall, if your not comfortable with telling anyone past your wife, you shouldn't until you are. Don't let people force you to do something you do not want to do. Wish I had more advice for you but I am sure one of the girls will be along to add to this good luck.

[Jenniferathome]

At this point I don't plan on going full time, if I did I don't think my wife would deal with that very well. Janelle

Janelle, this comment struck me. Are you thinking about transition? THAT is a conversation to have with your wife for sure. If you are only a cross dresser, then I see no need to tell anyone unless you really want to. It is no ones business but yours and your wife's. certainly you can control your dressing so that your kids will never see you. Same for friends. If it is more than cross dressing, does your wife really know this?

Perhaps I am reading between the lines but something seems incomplete here.

[linda allen]

....... my wife said that I needed to make up my mind that if I was going to dress like that I needed to come out. She said it wasen't fair if my kids saw me like this and didn't know ahead of time, and found out this way. ..........................I would love the freedom to dress when I want and not have to worry about someone seeing me and telling my kids. At this point I don't plan on going full time,................

How old are your kids?

It's not fair to put this burden on young children, at least not something like crossdressing that you want otherwise kept secret. They can't do it and eventually one will let the cat out of the bag and then feel guilty about it. Or tell others after being punished or being forbidden to do sometjing he/she wants to do.

Nobody has "the freedom to dress when I want and not have to worry about someone seeing me" (assuming "crossdressing") unless he is out to the world. Leave the house and someone will see you. It's possible of course to go to another city to dress and the likelyhood of being recognized is greatly reduced, but not totally eliminated.

As for your wife's statement, if that was accurate, it seems pretty strange, saying you have to stop or "come out". Not knowing your wife or what led up to that, I have no idea what to make of it.

This is something you and your wife have to work out, but my advice is to leave the kids out of it unless they are adults.

[DonniDarkness]

My last therapy appointment I ***** girl pants, bra, and black tank top. I was dressed in fem except a male black coat, no wig or makeup. When my wife and I where in the therapy session she asked my wife how she felt about what I was wearing and my wife said that I needed to make up my mind that if I was going to dress like that I needed to come out. She said it wasen't fair if my kids saw me like this and didn't know ahead of time, and found out this way. My goal is to come out to family and friends I HATE this secerat hiding in the house. I dressed to go to my therapy appointment because it felt like a safe place. I told my wife that just because I dressed for my therapy appointment doesn't mean I have to come out. So we spent most of the session on that topic. My therapist said that I should think about coming out to a close friend first, I'm scared.I would love the freedom to dress when I want and not have to worry about someone seeing me and telling my kids. At this point I don't plan on going full time, if I did I don't think my wife would deal with that very well. I just need a little advice I want to come out but the thought of doing that is very scary. Help Hugs Janelle

Well i can tell you from my own experience that coming out about being a crossdresser has made my life better in every way.

I started with telling my close friend of 15+ years. Then i told my cousin. Then my sister in law.... Then i quit caring who knew, because i had a support circle in my life that i could vent to. Everyone who i have come out to has been supportive.

The first step to getting there is to drop the shame and fear. You have to take your life and live it for you. The rest of the world does not live your life so dont give them power over how you live yours.

Its great that your in therapy. When i started seeing a therapist it opened my perspective on how i was internalizing all these fears i had. Once i had addressed the fears i had, it was a no-brainer to let them go.

Take inspiration from those who you love and respect. The rest of this life is yours to figure out.

Best wishes and keep your chin up,
-Donni-

[Janelle_C]

Janelle, this comment struck me. Are you thinking about transition? THAT is a conversation to have with your wife for sure. If you are only a cross dresser, then I see no need to tell anyone unless you really want to. It is no ones business but yours and your wife's. certainly you can control your dressing so that your kids will never see you. Same for friends. If it is more than cross dressing, does your wife really know this?

Perhaps I am reading between the lines but something seems incomplete here.

I'm not going to transition but as I do therapy and come to terms with the shame I have felt most of my life and stop stuffing my feeling of want to be girly I believe I'm way more girl than boy. And yes my wife knows this. I just what to dress the way I want and feel the way I am with out feeling like oh my god what if someone sees me. I'm just tired of being scared and feeling ashamed.

Telling ANYONE is always scary. Once the genie is out of the bottle, there is no going back. I was a bit lost when your wife said she wished you'd make up your mind. It seems as if your mind is already made up. You chose safe places to dress when you chose to, you don't feel comfortable with everyone knowing at this point and maybe she should respect that decision.

Yes, it would probably be bad for your kids to find out by seeing you one day (You didn't say how old the kids were so I assume young) and that should probably be your starting point. Tell the family first. Not the whole family persay but immediate family. Then if you chose, maybe a friend.

Overall, if your not comfortable with telling anyone past your wife, you shouldn't until you are. Don't let people force you to do something you do not want to do. Wish I had more advice for you but I am sure one of the girls will be along to add to this good luck.

My kids are adults, and this was the first time I dressed out side the house.

[Jenniferathome]

I'm not going to transition but as I do therapy and come to terms with the shame I have felt most of my life and stop stuffing my feeling of want to be girly I believe I'm way more girl than boy. And yes my wife knows this. I just what to dress the way I want and feel the way I am with out feeling like oh my god what if someone sees me. I'm just tired of being scared and feeling ashamed.



My kids are adults, and this was the first time I dressed out side the house.

Well, coming out is not that big a deal then. If you have a solid relationship with your kids, they will love you if you tell them. Do not confuse that with "accept"or "embrace." They may but they may say they don't want to see it. While scary to come out, it would be liberating.

[AllieSF]

It sounds like you are at least on the right track to finding out how to deal with all this. Going to a therapist is not easy for a lot of people. I like the concept of therapy because it can be a very safe zone to get it all out on the table, one on one or in couples therapy between the parties. It is similar to an arbitrator for helping to resolve disputes. If you like your therapist and he/she is a good one, I think that it will all work itself out.

I am guessing that you dressed partially, because it was your first time out dressed. That is a big step that takes some courage. If you wife knows that you dress, why not dress completely with wig, light makeup, forms or whatever, if that is the style of dressing that you enjoy, the next time you go to the therapist. I personally have a hard time getting my mind around people who go out in a half and half mode. I totally respect their right to do it, but it is definitely not my style. As important as it is to get you feeling, desires and conflicts on the table, please use this opportunity to also get your wife's out in the open too. Listen and try to understand her point of view too. There are so many ways to come out, from being caught, having someone tell everyone else, to a planned process starting with family and very close friends. I think that if you want to minimize the impact on everyone else the planned approach may be the best. It also gives you and your family the opportunity to get their own minds around who you are now in t Good luck.heir eyes after the grand reveal. Learn from their reactions, modify the approach to coming out as may be necessary, and then move one from there.

[Foxglove]

Shy Girl, it sounds to me you're in much the same place I was in a few months ago--really needing to get out. If you really need to and you do it, it's hugely liberating. It's like a real weight off your shoulders.

I have an adult son, and he's the first one I came out to. We've always been very close, and he's been very accepting. I think if you have good relations with someone, acceptance will come more easily.

But it also sounds to me like you need to make sure what you want to do. And of course you have to square it with your wife. I spent a fair bit of time thinking about what I wanted and how to go about it. If you're not certain of exactly what you want, you could be doing things that in the long run will be counter-productive. Since you're in therapy, that might be a very good topic for discussion.

Best wishes, Annabelle

[Lorileah]

...she asked my wife how she felt about what I was wearing and my wife said that I needed to make up my mind that if I was going to dress like that I needed to come out.

Sounds like your wife has a pretty good grasp on this. It sounds like she will at least allow you to dress. So you have someone in your corner (two people really, the therapist sounds on board also). Why, do you equate coming out with dressing 24/7? They don't have to be linked.

I told my wife that just because I dressed for my therapy appointment doesn't mean I have to come out.

This is true, you don't have to come out. But it is doing something inside you that is not good. Some schools of psychology would say that since you did go to the session dressed you really want to come out. You are just suppressing it.

I'm scared.

we all were at one time. You are not alone. You have support.

I would love the freedom to dress when I want and not have to worry about someone seeing me and telling my kids.

You are the one in control of this. If you don't come out, you are placing that control in someone else's hands. Would you not prefer to choose the time and place? Wouldn't yo like to be the one who just has to explain what you do instead of what you do AND why you lied (or hid it?) and let someone else break it to your children? Secrets that come out without your control tend to lead to feelings of betrayal and the question of "how can I trust you " in other matters. You trust your children, right? They trust you. I will venture to guess at this time that they also love you very much. And that this would not change that if you are the one who tells them. If they find out through a third party, they may have some doubts.

The things we fear the most very rarely happen. We build demons. Yes we all know the bad stories that get posted here, but read them carefully. Usually they are associated with the "secret" coming out without their control. Usually, because they didn't trust whoever finds out for an outside source.

Work on your fear. You don't have to jump full on, you can dip your toe. Your wife has basically given you the opening. She can see that it is tearing you up. Tell a friend, you will be surprised. Choose a friend you know cherishes your friendship. Then you will have three allies.