A Theory on Purging

[Meghan]

I have a pet theory on purging and wanted to float a trial balloon on this.

Generally purging follows a "bad" event. For example, the wife catches you and demands it stop, something happens that makes us question our manhood, guilt over getting caught, worries at work about being discovered, meeting someone dressed and feeling embarrassed etc.

All of those reasons can easily lead to purging. But I have an alternate possible explanation.

Perhaps purging is an extension of a failed attempt to integrate crossdressing into our sense of self-acceptance.

The consequence is much like a forest after a fire. The old underbrush is cleared and new growth is possible.

When I look back, there are not many if any clothes I would want back form any of my purges. I have rebuilt and renewed my tastes and interests every time. I have grown every time.

So, maybe purging is a natural way to say "this set-up, these circumstances aren't working". Maybe we can't simply add on to everything to grow incrementally, maybe we need a "blank canvass" to find a new way to adapt take the fight back to the world.

We've all had periods of breakthrough growth, maybe purging is a way to force us to start over and try again?

Meghan

[Slipstream]

I have felt like I want that fresh start many times but I think my personality is too far on the other end. I'm afraid that I would miss certain things and so I hold on to too much. Not that I haven't gotten rid of many items that I no longer wanted but in 25+ years of having a fairly extensive wardrobe I have never purged once. I did purge a fridge full of beer once after I got an OWI so I understand the bad event thing. Bought a twelve pack a week later.

Actually I am a big fan of purging though. I am very grateful to the person who must have purged a rather large collection of size 11 knee and thigh high boots and donated to a local thrift shop.

[MssHyde]

I have over 11 long wigs. but there is only couple I'd ever wear now. the older ones are just too big hair for now.
they would make me look like a CD rather then a GG when dressed. I should have purged them.

[Laura912]

Nearly all of my purges followed a strong guilt. But like a moth to the flame....

[Slipstream]

I have over 11 long wigs. but there is only couple I'd ever wear now. the older ones are just too big hair for now.
they would make me look like a CD rather then a GG when dressed. I should have purged them.

Donate them to the Slipstream thrift shop

[NathalieX66]

I was definitely a very self loathing crossdresser who dressed in secret for a very long time. I really had no idea what a transgender community was. In fact, I thought such a thing was not possible.

When I was fired from a job 13 years ago, and landed a new job in the same field with better money three months later, I vowed to "man up" and give up this crossdressing thing altogether, and I purged, and went into deep denial for 9 years. Then it finally occurred to me that I am the same as I always was.

When the stock market crash of 2008 hit, my company laid off a bunch of people, I took a pay cut, and I had a lot of debt. I needed a way to self medicate myself. So I went back into crossdressing, found my way around my local transgender community, found my place, and became "me".....and here I am, and I have no regrets.

[mikiSJ]

The only time I purged was after my divorce and I had met a lady I wanted to spend a lot of time with. My divorced wife knew about my dressing and while it was not the cause of out divorce, it would not have been tolerated in any case.

So, out go the clothes, shoes, wig...I think I purged because I didn't want to be thought of as weird, less than a man, a freak.

It really didn't matter as I told my new lady that I dressed after maybe our 5th date. We broke up after 5 or 6 months, but not for the dressing.

My current and best wife knows about my dressing and sometimes participates. I have collected a lot of different outfits over the last 37 years and while I cull my part of her closet occassionally, I haven't purge.

[Stephanie47]

I will concur there are numerous external pressures/events that will lead to purging; the wife threatens to toss you out, the boss will fire you, the kids will disown you, etc. I do not think purging has anything at all to do with a wardrobe makeover. I've seen too many "ambush Makeovers" on the Today Show which clearly indicates there are many GG's (and men in male mode) who become complacent and just grab whatever is nearest in the closet. If you're fifty and still wearing the teenage garb, then you probably need to purge and start over.

The biggest reason for purging is self loathing; not conforming to societal norms and customs. If a guy feels the pressure to conform to manly activities and manly dress, "How does he reconcile the desire to wear a girdle, bra, slip, hosiery, dress, heels, makeup and wig??? My personal belief is guys are deluding themselves when they say they only wear women's clothing because the clothing is more comfortable, colorful, etc. A bra? A woman's open bottom girdle?

It is the self loathing about the inability to explain to one's self why he wears garments unacceptable to societal norms. That leads to a questioning of one's manhood. Am I gay? Being gay still appears to be the second choice in society after identifying with one's genital birth. Cross dressing really does not rank up there with societal acceptance.

When I was a teenager I was filled with self loathing, doubts of masculinity. Due to Uncle Sam's need to send young men through a meat grinder, I shed that self doubt about masculinity. To do all the ultimate 'manly' things society demands of young man clearly indicated I should not be questioning my masculinity. However, still to this day I have not idea what drives me to cross dress. Self acceptance may take a long time and some may never get there.

And, this thing with purging to update a wardrobe... I see a lot of GG's who need to purge once in a while.

[kimdl93]

Perhaps a purge is an point reached when an individuals shame, remorse or self loathing precipitates an impulsive act. That impulse may seem, in the moment, a rationale response, but in the broader perspective it's a reflection and continuation of th cycle of self loathing that so many of us repeat.

[Gillian Gigs]

Add this one to your theories, you get drunk and while throwing up into the toilet you tell yourself and God that you will never do it again. Paraphrase, something bad happens and the result is that you don't it to ever happen again.....that is until the next time.

[Angela Campbell]

I guess I have been different. I have purged many times but not out of guilt. I never kept any clothes of my own for years. When I went out of town for a week or two at a time I would go buy some stuff and wear it all week and when it was time to go home I would have to throw it all out because I could not take a chance on getting caught. I knew when I bought it I would toss it soon. I was married and had kids and just wasn't going to get found out so I was very careful. Now I live alone and I am building up a wardrobe. I do not think I ever felt guilty about it, I just wanted to be a girl and this was the closest thing I could attain.

[AllyCDTV]

It seems like purging is more or less a ritual to boost a person's resolve to quit. The trouble is, purging is expensive and comes with no guarantee

[DebbieL]

Meghan,
The kind of purging you are talking about - realizing that your clothes are no longer appropriate to your new sense of fashion - is something that genetic girls do all the time. At least once a season they decide what they can keep, what might come back into style, and what goes into that "Oh god what was I thinking!" pile that goes to Good-will or even the trash.

For women, the closet has it's limits, and even if it didn't, changes in weight, size, or interests and desires can change the whole nature of a wardrobe. A single girl who is looking for a fun time where the guys pay for the drinks and they dance all night, and maybe they meet a hunk they can spend the night with - needs a very different wardrobe than a woman who is looking for "the one" which is different from the wardrobe they need when they have FOUND "the one", which is different from the wardrobe they need when they have MARRIED "the one".

There are outfits you would wear on a hot summer day that would look ridiculous on a cold winter night in an outdoor event. There are outfits that would be great for a Christmas party, charity fund raiser, or new year's eve party that would be totally inappropriate for the office or the classroom.

When a woman buys a new item of clothing, she will usually wear it 3 times to see if she gets compliments. If no one says anything nice about the outfit, or about her looks, then she figures it probably makes her look worse than her other items - but her friends are too polite to say anything unpleasant - so it doesn't make the cut.

Often, CDs and TSs go through the same process. At first, we just want to get out and be in something that makes us look female. It may be too tight and show off a tummy we really don't want to be showing, or too low cut and show of the cleavage we don't have, or the skirt is so short it's showing off the boys. But as friends see our femme side more often, they will start to guide us by giving us left handed compliments. We wear sweater that blouses a little and someone will say "I love the way that fits, it help people focus on your good features" - keep it. You try on a longer skirt, and they give you a compliment, saying how that skirt makes your legs look so much better - keep it.

However, very often, we do see purges that are - in a sense - spiritual suicides - of our feminine side. The purge is an attempt to "kill" the feminine side which we may blame for our emotional discomfort. The question is whether the feminine side is doing harm and we are purging to make ourselves more successful, or that the feminine side is actually getting us noticed, more accomplished, more satisfied with our life, more interested in other people, and suddenly that raises our profile to people who don't realize that what makes the "male" side seem so much more effective and powerful IS THE FEMALE SIDE.

As a result of coming out as Debbie, I became more successful in business, I worked harder when I was at work because I wanted to get home and get changed and go out with the girls. I was more interested in others. I realized when I was admiring wardrobe and could separate my admiration of fashion from sexual desires, which made it easier to communicate with women. I was less threatened when I interacted with men because I was more at peace with my feminine side, so I got more interested in helping them solve their problems and less interested in "winning a fight" or at least not loosing a fight because people would think I was less of a man.

Over a period of about 10 years, I had gone from being harassed out of a job because I had gone to a Halloween party as Debbie to having a really great job I loved where I managed the efforts of over 250 people as director of an "Alliance Developer Program" where I managed the technical and business projects with 25 different companies and their partners. I became a sponsor for 50 sponsees and 250 grand-sponsees, who went on to sponsor others - helping thousands of people get clean and sober. I became an advisor through a mailing list that grew from 40 technicians in 30 companies to over 8000 technical and business leaders in over 5,000 companies. I had been invited to Landmark Education by one of my sponsees and got training and support that helped me to be effective in growing and building the organizations just described.

Then I made the mistake of making a deal to "purge the wardrobe" in exchange for being trained as a public leader and public speaker. I put the wardrobe in a storage garage, keeping only my male clothing, I took the training, and eventually, my coach told me to "Be Debbie in a Suit" - at which point, during the last 3 months I set new records for that program, achieving results unprecedented in the history of that organization. But then I was given the ultimatum "Burn the dress and never dress as a girl again, or get out of the program and never get a chance at being a public speaker". By this point, I realized that it would be an integrity issue for me to attempt to accept the offer, so I opted out of the program.

I did learn to lead from behind the scenes, to empower others as public spokesmen and women, and to keep may contributions anonymous. At the same time, I stopped making public appearances as Debbie, and as a result began to gain weight, eventually shooting from 145 lbs to over 335 lbs. NOT Dressing led to a heart attack, stroke, and a loss of effectiveness and power. I ultimately reached the point where I was seriously considering actions that would lead to my "Accidental" death, and even got suicidal.

It was only when I had completed all of the leadership training programs Landmark had to offer that I realized that what I wanted more than anything was to get Debbie back into my life again, to get that power and compassion that came with being Debbie on a regular basis. Perhaps the biggest trigger was when I was introduced to Second Life, and started playing the game as a woman. I did such a good job of being a woman that even other real women couldn't tell. I had spent 6 months in Saudi Arabia and then went to Stockholm Sweden - where the first SRS operations were performed, and I found the desire to become Debbie stronger than ever. I joined facebook and started posting pictures of Debbie on Rex's profile. When my father was about to die, he knew he had less than a week left to live, I came out to see him. He had seen those Face-book postings and said "If I gave you nothing else, I hope I have given you the ability to be yourself, I'm proud that you can do that". I almost went off on him, since he was the one member of my family who DIDN'T want me to transition back in 1990, when I came out to the family. He took a "Don't ask, Don't tell" attitude. But When he realized how MUCH Debbie meant to me, he wanted to make sure that before he died, that I knew that he loved me and loved Debbie as a wonderful part of who I was.

Today, I go out in public as Debbie more often, and these days, because I am older and have to dress age appropriate, and can't be quite so stunningly pretty, I tend to have an easier time passing as a 50 year old woman (make-up takes the years off doesn't it?) than I have passing as a 57 year old man. Women notice the manicured nails, the feminine ring (I lost so much weight that I had to wear a 3-stone women's ring instead of my men's wedding ring, the plucked eyebrows, and other subtle "hints". It's even gotten to the point where I get told that my men's pants don't look good on me. I had 3 pair of men's pants left, and my wife told me that I shouldn't wear any of them any more.

Because I'm tall, have wide hips, and a big butt, men's pants that are the right waist size are too tight around the hip and pants that fit around the hip need to be gathered in with a belt or they fall off. To make matters worse, most of the men's pants only have a 32 inch inseam, which makes me look like I'm on my way to a flood - think Pee-Wee Herman or Erkle. I can pay $75 a pair for pants at the "Big and Tall" shop, and get two pair for the same price as 5-6 pair of correctly fitting pants at the plus size section of women''s wear.

I needed Avodart for prostate issues, but that's also an antiandrogen, and the Soy Isoflavones and Phytoestregins and other vitamins, creams, and pills have led to breasts that are noticable when I'm wearing a sweater or T-shirt, so I wear big "pup tent" dress shirts - often over a camisole that minimizes the breasts.

The thought of purging or aborting transition again has even taken me to the point where I seriously considered a "Prestone Cocktail". I didn't want to give up my clean date for a pint of Prestone, just in case it didn't kill me, and got some medical and mental health help before taking any drastic actions. My wife is accepting of Debbie, but doesn't want her coming to church or family events, which means that transition is something she's still not comfortable with. I know she's getting me a Tria and Laser for my birthday, but she didn't want Debbie getting anything for Christmas - though the women in her family LOVE it when Debbie does the Christmas shopping - because I get them really wonderful jewelry they love to wear.

The funny thing is that the whole family knows about Debbie, and the minister at church knows about Debbie, and when he gave the sermon about "That which you have done to the least of my bretheren you have done unto me" - he gave me an opportunity to share about the work I had done on getting the Internet to 3rd world countries AND my work with the transsexual and transgender community. For my wife's sake, I did not share the transgender work with the entire congregation, but many of them already know.

[Beverley Sims]

I have never purged but I know those who have have done it to cast of the shackles and chains of something in their lifestyle.
Try an man up and shed shame for some reason.
It is cyclic, and the people are all avid CD'ers to this day.

[Lacey New]

I've purges plenty of times but it has always been associated with a change. Moving, remodeling, when I got married and we started living together. It was all about - "I don't have a safe place to put my stuff". Now, I will admit that it took awhile for me to figure out whether I was (am) a cdossdresser or just a guy with a fetish but even after every purge, I knew that at some point, I was going to buy another pair (pairs) of panties (then a bra, then a slip, then some stockings, then maybe a dress or a skirt , etc, etc). Been going down that road for years and in some respects I find it fun. It gives me a chance to adjust my collection as I age and yes - surprise - I'm not as lean as I was 20 years ago! Also, there is tha thrill of shopping. I used to be much more nervous about it (as many of us are) but now, I am a little more relaxed and I almost look forward to some SA asking me if I am buying for myself - even though I suspect many of them are guessing so.

So, I don't see any reason to get anxious about purging. Yes, I will admit that it is not cheap but neither is playing golf.

Cheers
Lacey