Stash was found out, what should i do...

[ReineD]

I would have told them that while under my roof They will respect me and my home

Very true. It is ironic that an adult child must now tell a parent the things that my parents told me before I left home and went out on my own: "As long as you're under MY roof, you will not ..... (stay out all night, come home drunk, etc)."


To Rachel, the awkwardness might be alleviated if you simply tell your parents that you are not prepared to give them an explanation and that the items they found relate to a private part of your life that will remain private for reasons that are, well, private. Discussion closed. Then just enjoy your time with them. Let them come to whatever conclusions they like. If they insist on an explanation or if they keep bringing it up, you could tell them they are causing tension in your relationship by not respecting your privacy and if it continues you will limit your time with them.

[Michelle M]

Rachel, what about using Dad on this one? "Dad, I'm a single guy...sometimes girls stay over...I keep extra toothbrushes, some other girl stuff around for tomorrow morning." Get Mom off my back about it before we have a fight. I don't want to discuss my sex life with her.

No lies here, maybe it will save your family vacation.

[Heather Daniels]

By locking yourself in your room you've done more damage to an already difficult situation. Because of this, it's going to be even harder to give a plausable excuse for why you have feminine clothes hidden. Without knowing how large your "stash" is, or where you had it hidden, it's even harder to judge just how out of line your mother was in her snooping. Yes I said snooping, because thats exactly what she was doing. Did she bother to search your brothers room looking for this pillow also?

Look, you're in a rough spot now and I think you either need to come clean or tell her they belong to a female friend, although locking yourself in your room has made this excuse harder to believe. I think you do need to have a heart to heart talk with your brother A.S.A.P. He's your brother and will most likely stick by your side during this trying time. Get him on your side with the female friend part. If you're not comfortable revealing this side of yourself to your parents, then DON'T. Don't let anyone on this site sway you to. This" truth shall set you free" crap that gets spewed around here so often, is not the right advice in every situation. You are however, going to have to tell your brother your deepest secret now. Ain't gonna be easy, but you have to muster the courage up to do it.
You're a successful adult, making your way in this world on your own. It's time to cut mothers apron strings from you. Don't let her intimidate you and if I were you, I'd have a talk with her about personal privacy. She is afterall, a guest in YOUR house.

[LaraPeterson]

Rachel, one word of advice from me, IGNORE. Ignore all the advice on here to come clean, ignore your mother's indiscretion; ignore your feelings of guilt. Instead, stand your ground; they are in YOUR home, invading YOUR privacy, asking questions that would not have been necessary had they any respect for you at all.

Not because of CDing, but in another situation my parents and some friends stuck their collective noses where they didn't belong; I told them off, sent them off and after a while, when they realized they were wrong, they came a calling--tails tucked. You've been wronged and you owe no one an explanation.

[Chickhe]

Oh damn! They really hate halloween and they found your old costume!! Urugh.

Lie to your parents if its just CDing. Don't attempt to explain anything, they won't get it. Get over any emotional feelings and just calmly say that you are sorry for being so angry because you were shocked that they were digging through everything and disturbed all of your things. Then forget about it and pretend it didn't happen.

If they ask about it again, just say 'what part of you going through my stuff was wrongdidn't you get? then explain no more. No matter what they say, if they make some comment, like...oh we thought you were gay... just make a joke of it and say 'Do you want me to be, Okay then I'll be that!'...then walk around with limp wrists for the rest of the evening... make it obvious you are putting on an act (assuming you arn't gay). Make it in to a joke on them. When the've had enough, just enjoy their company.

I could expect the same from my parents. Even after decades they still act like I'm a kid...they don't get that I have my own life. My parents had a vacation home 1 hour away and expected me and my family to visit them daily! Can you imagine? They got bent out of shape when we said no. ...to this day they are still upset...10 years later! Not much you can do sometimes! I just hope I'm more reasonable when I get that old.

[Launa]

There are a lot of good answers here. I think if the questions keep coming from your mom then you will have to choose one of the different ways on how you are going to handle things.
You could deny how they got there, tell the truth, make up different lies or do what I do sometimes when I'm in awkward situations like this is I say nothing at all and remain silent. Make them keep asking questions and with a lot of people all staring at me then I yell real loud, "CALL THE COPS AND FIGURE IT OUT!" and then I keep a real pissed off look on my face and let them know not to challenge me anymore. If they remain persistent then I tell them to keep it up and were not going to be friends

Whatever you do never look away when they are talking to you. Give them a stare like you mean business. I'm not saying be mean to your mom but don't let anybody run you over either because given the chance they will do it if they have righteous, homophobic views..

[Caroline C]

My mother is a professional snoop. She knows about my hobby but it's a don't ask don't tell situation. Once year after a visit I could see my room was raided. She casually mentioned something about my exes things still being in there, and some of them were hers. I just kind of gave an excuse about being lazy and blew it off. Next year she came I had a keyed lock installed on my bedroom door. Never had to use it but it was incentive enough to tell the message keep out.

[CindyT]

It happened to me when I was your age too. I told Mom they belonged to a GF who I choose not to disclose to them for "Personal" reasons. They just assumed she was a local girl with a bad reputation. I also had a GF at the time who did not know, I told them to keep quiet about it and they did. Next visit, there was a lock on my closet door and still is to this day!

[Claire Cook]

Rachel, I wish I had an answer for you, but we all have different situations. Part of me wants to agree with Lorileah and Reine, who are always sources of good advice. On the other hand, this may cause a breach with your family. My mom knew I would get into her clothes, and probably knew about my fake boobs and stash -- but she could never bring herself to talk about it, and I couldn't either. Maybe it would have better if she knew that she did have the daughter she always wanted, but I don't know. Sooner or later I guess your family will know, I guess the question is when. But 3 WEEKS together? Seems like the subject is likely to come up again.

Take up Allie on her offer -- I was in SFO several weeks ago, and felt right at home as Claire.

[Rachel87]

Wow, there are a lot of responses again. First some update about the situation:

In the next morning I was feeling a little bit less embarrassing so I carried on as any other day. But things were not any better, as many of you anticipated, they were only more curious for an answer. I was on my laptop checking work emails, my father came to me and started asking questions again, and then he plain out asked "Are those yours?", I gave a very infuriating reaction in a how-can-you-possibly-think-of-such-absurdity tone. He seemed satisfied with the answer. They seem to think now it belongs to an ex gf. I didn't confirm it, because any reasoning would point out that it couldn't possibly be true. How would that be remotely possible that I kept 10+ pairs of shoes from my ex... Yeah, I'm kinda crazy about shoes =P. So if I confirm it, it would to more questions, and propping such an obviously false lie, would be too hard. So I figured it is better I don't say anything about it and let them think that is the case. I don't really know if they have a good sense of the size of my stash, I'm betting they don't. Somehow I feel more comfortable if they are only suspicious about it than actually certain about it. I'm not ready to share or have to explain it to them, so I prefer to leave it at that. Also, I don't owe than an explanation for this, so I just won't give them.

After that, the clothes were not mentioned again but I can't avoid feeling awkward all the time when I'm with them. Their mood is apparently good so far. I'm still very pissed that they don't as much bothered apologizing for anything. My mom says she wouldn't mind if I did the same in her house, because she has nothing to hide... And I actually feel extremely awkward around my brother. I'm older than him, and I know I was an inspiration for him, he followed the same carrier path as I did. I was very successful in my carrier choice, which made him very interested. So I taught him a lot of stuff. We have a lot of ideas and beliefs in common. So we did respect each other's privacy very much. Oddly enough, we never got to talk about intimate stuff, I think he figured it was a bad idea to share any personal stuff with my parents, so he just keep it to himself. Anyway, I don't feel we have that intimacy to talk about this nor I feel comfortable with the idea. At the same time I'm afraid he might be disappointed (he is somewhat homophobic, although the least among my family), along the lines "Shit, my big brother is a sissy...". And it will get ultimately awkward until I find another place to live... He didn't touch the subject so far. So my decision for now is just to shut the hell up about it to everybody. I will ignore the elephant, which is more like a pile of s**t that only smells worse if touched.

I believe I addressed most questions and comments with the above paragraph, but there are some that are still left:

- Some people talked about sexuality. I like to think that I am 90% straight. I don't want to become a woman, nor have serious relationship with guys. Also I don't claim that CDs are necessarily gay, but homophobic people will easily put everything in a single bag. I'm not worried that they will think I'm gay (which I'm only 10% =P), but they will certainly think so and will discriminate me anyway. For example, my hometown is particularly homophobic, for example, I suffered discrimination for having an androgynous guy as friend... Gays were a very common topic for jokes... Also, I don't want to tell people that it is ok for me to be a CD because I'm not gay, although it works for me, it just the wrong idea.

- 3 weeks of visiting. I know, it sucks. But I'm willing to open this exception for my parents only. I can understand them, they had 3 children under their roof just a few years ago, now they have none, my father retired and nothing else in their lives outside family and work. So I figured it would be cruel to ask them to stay home alone for the holiday recess. They didn't ask me if it was ok were anyway, they only informed me of their flights schedule..

- Locks, certainly, I should have done that before. My life would be the same as ever at this point, oh well...

DO NOT! let them think you are some kind of crazy kid whos is gonna end up on world news tonight in a wedding dress and a assult rifle..

Joann, that thought never occurred to me before. I don't want to have to explain this to them, so I'm taking my chances here... Luckily this sort of thing is unheard of in my country.

But seriously now. I think honesty is best, because then you don't have to remember what you said to whom. But if you absolutely must keep your secret, then come up with anything. It won't matter, as it'll be a lie anyway and your mother just seems to want an explanation, ANY explanation. So give her what she wants, say it was a previous tenant that never came to pick them up, an ex-GF that left in the middle of the night, etc, etc, etc.

Thanks for the ideas, but I'm sticking to not saying anything plan... Btw, I like that you are using Monica's pic as your avatar =).

Looking through someone's bureau and closets and like looking through a diary or personal journal that you came across. First of all, you have no right to open it. Second, if you do open it "by mistake," you have no right to mention its contents to its owner or anyone else.

That would be a great thing to tell my mom, because she is a lawyer =P.

Maybe you mother always wanted a daughted - well it could happen ! Just show them Rachel , wa'laaa all her dreams come true.... ......................Debra

haha, maybe. They had 3 sons and no daughter after all =P.

On another note, when you are ready to walk out the door for a day or evening out dressed, let me know! San Francisco is a great place to explore and enjoy, even during these cold rainy months. Good luck.

That would be nice Allie, I've been out to SF once. It was very nice. But I didn't have another opportunity. And it is kinda hard to sneak out dolled up because my brother is home so often...

I know it won't help, but you would be a cute girl!

I does help with my self steem =)



Thank you for reading this far, if you've made it without just skipping to the end =P! This was a long post. Also thank you very much for all responses. I read all of them carefully but I couldn't spare the time to answer each individually.

In name of fairness, you only heard my side of the story and I left out a lot of details not to make it too long, so take everything with a grain of salt =). As they say, the devil is in the details =P. But I did my best to represent my understanding of the situation.

-Rachel

[Barbara Ella]

Rachel, so sorry for your situation. You are right to feel indignant, and take an I'm pissed off attitude, so your latest approach with your dad can be acceptable. This is not a question of something to hide, as you have mentioned, it is your house, and they are guests. I doubt it if Mom would like someone attending a gathering at their house going through everything, regardless of what she says.

You have quite a bit of time left, and I don't know how the not answering will hold up. Don't let it get you angry and snippy. After a week or so, you may feel different about talking about it. You do not have to, but in the long run, you may be happier. Lots of good advice. Look them in the eyes at all times. Speak respectfully. At every chance, remind them that they raised you with a good set of values which you have followed in your decision making, and have developed a real good life for yourself. Let them know that you really feel they have done you right in your life so far, and you are doing nothing wrong, or immoral. you don't need to go into detail, but you don't need to tell a lie. you just do not need to give details. It comes down to trust. Do they trust what they have done raising their three children to believe you when you say you are happy and sane etc. If they answer yes, you can apologize for being angry and short, but you were beginning to feel they were doubting you, and you could not respond to that initially, as it conflicted with your view on your relationship with them (outside of being nosey!!). Keep the discussion general, and about trust and about personal privacy. They need to realize that generational personal privacy is a much different thing now than it was when they were younger.

OK, that is my take on some things to consider and use or not. Only you know your parents and your situation. I wish you the best. You don't have to lie, but you don't have to go into details if you don't want to.

Barbara

[sometimes_miss]

Well, if you're dead set on telling them, consider this rather shocking concept, and you'll have to look very serious, maybe even a little scary when you do it. Tell them the clothes belong to all the women you've killed, and you kept them as souvineers. Say that now you have to get rid of them because they might be used as evidence. Then take the clothes, put them in a big bag, and leave. Come back a little later, and now when they find out you're 'just a crossdresser', they just might be happy about it.

[Raychel]

I think it would have been best to tell Dad the truth when he asked,
Sure it would have ben a bit uncomfortable, but the truth is always the best way

Now you will have to let him know sometime, just to clear your mind.
Then he will know that you lied to him before.

Good luck, I hope this all works out well for you.

[Babeba]

If you DO move, and they visit you again, I (if i were you) would make sure that there were no extra keys for them, so when you left they would have to spend the day sightseeing somewhere other than your closet!

I also would say, "I feel that you don't need any explanation for things you found out by snooping. I am upset you went through my things, and if not getting to know everything will remind you of that, you don't get to know everything."

With a mother like that, no wonder your brother is super careful about privacy!

[Jenniferathome]

I'm not worried that they will think I'm gay (which I'm only 10% =P), .....-Rachel

10% gay? Does that mean 1 in 10 times with a man you get aroused by a man or 1 in 10 sexual encounters is with a man?

I think you mean you are 100% bi. That is fine, by the way, but now I think you need to come to grips with yourself before you can tell your parents. I don't think, "Mom, Dad, I'm only 10% gay, don't worry," is going to fly.

By the way,take Allie up on her invitation. She's great fun to hang with.

Take care,

[Rachel87]

Well, if you're dead set on telling them, consider this rather shocking concept, and you'll have to look very serious, maybe even a little scary when you do it. Tell them the clothes belong to all the women you've killed, and you kept them as souvineers. Say that now you have to get rid of them because they might be used as evidence. Then take the clothes, put them in a big bag, and leave. Come back a little later, and now when they find out you're 'just a crossdresser', they just might be happy about it.

Lol, that is just too crazy =P. And I already took all my stuff out of home to a safe place.

Rachel, so sorry for your situation. You are right to feel indignant, and take an I'm pissed off attitude, so your latest approach with your dad can be acceptable. This is not a question of something to hide, as you have mentioned, it is your house, and they are guests. I doubt it if Mom would like someone attending a gathering at their house going through everything, regardless of what she says.

You have quite a bit of time left, and I don't know how the not answering will hold up. Don't let it get you angry and snippy. After a week or so, you may feel different about talking about it. You do not have to, but in the long run, you may be happier. Lots of good advice. Look them in the eyes at all times. Speak respectfully. At every chance, remind them that they raised you with a good set of values which you have followed in your decision making, and have developed a real good life for yourself. Let them know that you really feel they have done you right in your life so far, and you are doing nothing wrong, or immoral. you don't need to go into detail, but you don't need to tell a lie. you just do not need to give details. It comes down to trust. Do they trust what they have done raising their three children to believe you when you say you are happy and sane etc. If they answer yes, you can apologize for being angry and short, but you were beginning to feel they were doubting you, and you could not respond to that initially, as it conflicted with your view on your relationship with them (outside of being nosey!!). Keep the discussion general, and about trust and about personal privacy. They need to realize that generational personal privacy is a much different thing now than it was when they were younger.

OK, that is my take on some things to consider and use or not. Only you know your parents and your situation. I wish you the best. You don't have to lie, but you don't have to go into details if you don't want to.

Barbara

I agree my response to my dad wasn't a good one. At least the topic wasn't brought up again so far. Everybody's mood seems back to normal. I will give some time and and maybe reconsider telling them depending on how I feel about it.

10% gay? Does that mean 1 in 10 times with a man you get aroused by a man or 1 in 10 sexual encounters is with a man?

I think you mean you are 100% bi. That is fine, by the way, but now I think you need to come to grips with yourself before you can tell your parents. I don't think, "Mom, Dad, I'm only 10% gay, don't worry," is going to fly.

By the way,take Allie up on her invitation. She's great fun to hang with.

Take care,

I think that there all shades between 100% straight and 100% gay. The 10% for me means "I could make out with a guy if a good opportunity showed up and enjoy it but I enjoy girls more and only seek girls". That is how I understand it, or that is the excuse I found to not have to admit I'm bi or gay =P. If that just means bi for you, then, oh well, I'm just bi =P. Anyway, this is another issue, if the question arises, I will just say I'm straight, which should be good enough for everybody, I like girls enough that I don't think I should bother them with this.

I would love to take Allie's invitation =).

[HannahF6]

As others have said, you should feel OK. They were under your roof and being inquisitive is not defensible, in fact it is thoroughly despicable. Lie to them if that seems to be working, or throw them out and tell them to keep their noses in thirs own stuff. Personally, I'd avoid the lieing because that can get you into trouble farther down the line, but if it works, go for it.

Hannah

[S. Lisa Smith]

I have read all the advise with great interest, because I wanted to see what others thought (and because I didn't/don't have my own advise to give). It seems things have calmed down and the situation is not as bad as you thought. Perhaps review things in a week or two and see how you feel and take action/no action then.