Tried to talk to my wife again...

[AngoraGirl]

I originally told my wife about my CDing a year into our marriage. She was not happy about, a lot of tears and anger and she said she didn't want to know about it. At the time I had told her it was just a kinky fetish, something I think I actually wanted to believe at the time. Flash forward 7 years, the urge to dress has been overwhelming lately. I tried to talk about it with her about a month ago and she said I must be gay and that if I have to do it I should do it without her. So a few weeks ago I made my first order. Was sooo happy with my purchases, but the guilt of going behind her back and the stress that she might one day find it was stressing me out big time. So I sat her down and said we need to talk about the thing she didn't want to talk about. I told her how I no longer thought that this was a fetish, that this was part of who I am, that I have had these desires all my life. I even printed out and read this article to her - http://www.gendertree.com/Helping%20...%20Dresers.htm
While there were no tears this time and no anger, she said she still wants no part in it. She still thinks its just a fetish, saying that she has weird sexual fantasies but she doesn't feel the need to act on them and doesnt understand why I have to. She also said she could never wear lingerie again which made me really sad. She equated her wearing lingerie to bringing an alcoholic to a liquor store, even though I tried to explain to her that I love when she wears lingerie. We've been having a great sex life lately but now she's convinced that I only wanted to have sex with her all the time to replace my urges to dress (she could be half right there). She's also convinced even though I have told her so many times that I have no desire to ever transition to being a woman for real that if she goes along with the crossdressing then it will lead to that down the road. So it seems I am back where I started from, stuck in the closet with no one to have fun with. The only somewhat positive thing came when she asked me why I bought my own things and didn't just wear hers. I said does that mean I can wear your things if I want? She said "what, you need variety?!?" I said yes of course. She thought about it and said as long as I put everything back so she doesn't know what I wore it would be ok. I guess that's kind of progress right? Still I was hoping for a more positive experience after pouring my heart out to her. Seems she is never going to fully accept my feminine side...

[Jenniferathome]

It's true that she may never "accept" your female side. But even being able to talk about it is mo than many have achieved. Take what she gives you and be happy for that. If you keep the conversation going, there may be a time when she can understand what cross dressing is.

[Ceri Anne]

Jennifer as usual stated it very well, you have a dialogue going, she knows you do it, but isn't ready for you to share it. She may never be ready, but your not hiding things, so thats good. Talking every once in a while without whining, begging or pushing may bring her around in time. I wish you well.

[SAMANN]

The fact that you are at least talking is a great start and is more than many of us have. Keep up the conversation in a respectful positive manner. When opportunity arises shar with her. It may take a long time though (17 years for me).

[RADER]

At least you are talking; her think that you are taking an alcoholic to a liquor store is not the same
as when she wears some lingerie. Try to get some Marriage Counseling. The possibility of talking
with someone else might at lest calm her fears about you.
Good Luck, and please go slow.
Rader

[jillleanne]

Keep the talk going regularly. She has not kicked you to the curb so given time, open communication, and honesty with her, she may come to realize your need to express your fem side is not all that bad after all. I'm betting she will come around slowly.

[sissystephanie]

I am probably going to get Royally flamed for this, but it needs to be said! And as a Crossdresser for more years than many of you have been alive I do know what I am talking about! Unless you have dual sex organs, both male and female, if you crossdress you most likely do have a fetish!! You do it because you like to!!

Then the question arises, do you want to be a woman? Your wife married a man, or at least she thought she did. Can you tell her honestly that you will always be her MAN!! I told my late wife that I was a crossdresser when I proposed to her, but that I would always be her MAN no matter what I had on. We were married almost 50 years before cancer took her!! And she accepted my CD'ing to the point of doing my makeup and fixing my wig so I could really pass as Stephanie!! BTW, we do have 2 wonderful children!!

Remember, a marriage is 2 people!! Both of you have to give a little to make it work!! Keep talking and always be honest with her!! Good Luck!!

[Angela Campbell]

Yes she is!! Isn't it wonderful!

[Maria 60]

Wow when I told my wife her first rule is that she didn't want me to wear her cloth. and we went out to buy me my own things, even though she still ask if I wear her dresses and I say yes and she really doesn't seem to care. For her to give you the green light to wear her cloth is a huge positive and I suggest you take it slow, but not to slow. She is going to have to understand that this isn't something that is just going to go away. I hope you keep us updated and hope it all works out.

[Raychel]

When I frst told my wife she was all freaked out, The whole gay questions, Ect.
then she said that she knew it was a part if me she could never change.
She just never wanted to see me dressed.
Later on she would make sure I had time to dress.
After that she new when I was dressed and started to see me dressed.
All this takes time to adjust to.

Of course every persn is differant and can tollerate differant things.
My wife has decided to accept me for who I am.
And for that I addore her.

you wife may adjust over time. This is a big thing for her.
Let her adjust and she will let you know when the time os right.
Until then take it slow and concentrate on making her happy.

[Beverley Sims]

At least you are both talking and she seems ok with you borrowing her clothes.
Keep going slowly and steadily and hopefully your situation will not deteriorate.

[SandraInHose]

So much of what's been said here applies to my situation. Wife found out after 17 years of marriage, and caused her much anger, sense of betrayal, confusion about my masculinity, etc, the usual array of questions. She said if this were early in our marriage she would have just left and been done with it, but since we'd been together so long she had seen my many good qualities, and decided to stick it out. There were/are many issues, and she still begrudgingly accepts that part of me and knows it won't ever go away, but now nine years later we are at a fairly good point. Still no interaction other than she sees me in pantyhose all the time, but never dressed.

The first few days after she found out, she wanted to see me dressed, and we actually had sex a few times with me dressed. I of course thought it was a dream come true, but it made her want to retch, so that experiment quickly and forever went away. Over the years it's been 3 steps forward, 2 steps back, again and again, but at least she accepts my pantyhose-wearing. On rare occasions we'll have sex with us both wearing crotchless pantyhose, but other than that there's no other interaction involving me in female clothing. We can and do make fun comments regarding my dressing, whereas she'll see an outfit she likes and asks my opinion of it, and I usually say something like, "I can see myself in something like that!" Not really what she wants to hear but at least it doesn't set her off like it did early on.

Over time, she has seen that many of her earlier fears were unfounded, and that I'm not 'turning gay' or wanting to have my manly bits removed, etc. She still would prefer I wasn't a CD'er, but she has learned more about my 'hobby' and tends to be more tolerant than she used to be. But as was mentioned by another member, I can't forget to show her I'm a man. Gotta put away the 'fun' clothes sometimes and be the male force, and let HER be the woman!

[AngoraGirl]

So the conversation continued tonight but with a much more negative tone from my wife. Her biggest fear is that today I say I just want to dress up at home everyonce in a while but maybe down the road it will evolve into something like wanting to wear panties to work and then eventually being dressed all the time and maybe going out dressed in public. I'm 36 years old and I can honestly say right now I don't want any of those things. But do any of you think my wife is right? Did any of you only get a desire to be out dressed in public after many many years at home in the closet? Or was the desire always there?

[Stephanie47]

Yep, I started as an in home cross dresser. I started with several nightgowns for 'bedroom play,' Then I started buying slips, panties and bras. Thereafter, dresses, hosiery and heels. Then a brunette wig. Then I went out at Halloween. Then I went out not at Halloween for drives. I still do not have any desire to encounter people, but, that urge is slowly creeping in. It has taken decades, but, it is arising. I only suppress the desire because I do not to inflict discomfort on my wife, who does like the idea. We've settled into a DADT relationship, which has served us well.

Angora, I do not see one shred of evidence your wife is anywhere receptive to cross dressing. For her to say it is OK for you to wear her clothes, but, put them back so she cannot tell you wore them, is nothing more than a statement she suspects you're going to do whatever you want anyway.

Frankly, for many women cross dressing is a shocker and will always remain a shocker. You can see in your post of #15, there is an element of public ridicule and fear.

[AngoraGirl]

Thanks for your reply Stephanie. Your post is frightening to me. Because I know how strong the desire to dress is now and if it does progress to out of the house it probably means my marriage is over.

[Raychel]

I do not have a strong desire to go out dressed. But I do wish that I could dress all the time.
I realy do not like being in guy mode at all anymore.
I feel so much more like myself when I am in a dress. So much more at ease. Just more myself.

If you asked me 30 years ago if I would like to dress up all the time I would have said definitely NO.
But as I have evolved over time. I find that now this is exactly what I want.

As time passes you may change your mind about what you want.
You (and your wife) need to be very careful heading down this road.
Be sure that you both are ready and an accept what may happen later on in life.

[kimdl93]

Being able to talk is a good thing. But maybe you need some help working through her misconceptions. Have you thought about couples therapy?

[Nanaya]

Talking to her was a very good first step, and something to be proud of. I think the important part now is, as Kim said, getting rid of the misconceptions. That may take a while, but hang in there!

[AngoraGirl]

Yes but maybe some of her misconceptions aren't actually misconceptions. Sounds like she may be right in being worried that my desires will increase over time to take my dressing further and further. I really don't think she would ever be able to deal with that. I suggested talking to a counselor and she said no way would she ever talk to anyone about this.

[jackielou]

merry christmas angora girl the fact that she agreed to let you wear her stuff is indeed a giant step for her take your time and keep talking dont push it underdress and let her know how happy you are wearing her clothes and how you love her for letting you share i would be overjoyed if my woman would just look at me in a bra without a shirt on she knows i wear a bra and panties and has no problem with the panties

[Dann12]

Seems she is never going to fully accept my feminine side...[/QUOTE]


hmmmm...I'm not so sure about that. I think patience is in order here. I say I'm not so sure becuase of some of the things she's said. It would almost seem as though she just needs some time and reassurance about certain points. If it where an absolute rejection, she'd have never even alluded to sharing her clothes with you. Seems like more of a fear of what could become instead of a fear of what it is right now...make any sense?

CDing is a lonely place if the desire includes having someone to join in.

[velece]

Stephanie,
You are so right! Home dressing in not enough. I started out that way, and realized at some point, that I will need to be dressed in public. I have local friends, and I am working to be dressed in public. Nothing else will satisfy. It's a need, not a game. It's part of who we are, and when that part finally surfaces it has to be reconciled.
I'm in the DADT mode as well, and hold no hope for anything better, but who knows!
Your deep basement Sister,
Velece

[Mollyanne]

I'm going to throw my "2 cents" worth in. If I were you I WOULDN'T BORROW OR WEAR HER CLOTHES, NO MATTER WHAT!!!!! As to why you may ask, well for one thing this could and I say again could give her more ammunition against your cd'in' which she doesn't like in the first place. Second, a woman's clothing is a special part of her and defines her personality. You could NEVER put anything of hers back into the same place and folded the same way as she did (I learned that the hard way). You are going to have to come to some sort of compromise within yourself with regard to your cd'ing.

Molly

[Rogina B]

Like Molly said..."Leave her clothes alone"!!! If it is just clothes you want,you will have more fun buying your own!

[linda allen]

I think it's possible that a woman would feel less threatened by a husband wearing her clothes than if he actually had his own. If youy have your own female clothes, you have firmly established that you are a crossdresser. If you borrow hers, it might just be a passing fad.

That said, and going back to the OP's original post - What's in it for your wife if you crossdress? Nothing, right? That is often the root of the problem. The crossdresser is being selfish, thinking only of himself and having all the fun. He is prancing around the house in a bra and panties instead of taking the wife out for dinner and a show.

The solution - make sure there is something in it for the wife. Be extra nice to her. Buy ger gifts, buy her clothes, take her shopping, take her out to dinner, to shows, whatever she likes to do. Tell her you love her every day, several times a day.

What I'm trying to say is, make it known to her that crossdressing makes you a nicer, more loving and attentive person.

Every marriage is different and this won't work every time, but it may tip the scales in your favor.