Coming Out Errors

[kimdl93]

Over the several years that I've been part of the forum, I've read may threads recently by individuals who came out to their SO and had very unhappy results. Sometimes, they felt that their wife or GF was initially accepting, then changed unexpectedly.

I've observed a few things that seem to be a few common "mistakes" made by indvidiudals when they first come out:

1) Not telling enough - as in saying : "honey, I like wearing womens clothes" - and nothing more
2) Telling too much in that first conversation, perhaps while in the grips of the dreaded pink fog.
3) Its all about "me". Thinking only of themselves and their feelings, without giving any thought to what their SO might be feeling.
4) Lack of preparation - this might include not getting to know your SO, not thinking about what you're going to say or what questions she might ask.
5) Timing - there are good times to talk and not so good times to talk. Christmas eve might not be one of those times.

Anyone else like to suggest a few coming out errors.

[Michelle 51]

Not sure there is a set pattern for this.Some wives accept ,some only tolerate,some hate it but stay married and others will have nothing to do with it and divorce.Big problem is trying to know which one your married to and how much to tell and see what reaction it gets you.No backing up once you go there .I agree whatever you do Christmas eve isn't the time to jump out of the closet in a skirt and heels.

[Eryn]

I think that one mistake often made is that the SO is not made aware of the gravity of the situation before it is discussed.

Treating it too lightly gives her the impression that being TG is a simple fetish or hobby, something that is voluntary. This leads her to the thought that, if she really puts her foot down, you will be "cured." An alternative thought is that you consider your trivial "hobby" to be more important than her. Neither of these impressions is good, and they can lay the seeds for problems down the road.

It is very important, before commencing "the talk," to tell her that you need to talk to her about something important that has been bothering you. Then discuss it from the angle of what you *are*, not what you *do*.

[Cheryl T]

6. In bed after sex...not the best time.
7. Leaving photos of yourself dressed "hidden" but not that well, or still in the camera.

[reb.femme]

Having just read Kelly Smith's coming out to her wife, numbers 1, 4 and 5 are bang on the money........unfortunately!

[May(be)]

Be on hormones for 9 months already and forget to mention it... WHOOPS!!

[kimdl93]

Michelle comment suggests

8) Deciding to surprise your wife en femme before 'the talk'

And as per May(be):

9 going on HRT without telling...or after promising not to do so.

[Angela Campbell]

I would say the biggest error is coming out at all before you make the decision that it is better to come out knowing it may very well end the marriage and cause a horrible disruption in not only your life but all around you. Are you ready to permanently change almost everything in your life and in the lives of everyone you know? What are the consequences of opening up compared to the consequences of not doing so? Are you willing to accept the absolute worst case scenario? It may not come to that but are you ready to accept it?

As far as getting caught it takes some care as well...

1 keep no items around the house
2 never take pictures
3 never go to websites like this one
4 only dress away from home and bring none of it home
5 never wear her stuff

[Lynn Marie]

[SIZE="4"]Consider that your SO is going to feel that you've been deceiving her and cheating on her with another woman. You! Now that you know this, is your marriage strong enough to handle it?[/SIZE]

[kimdl93]

I would say the biggest error is coming out at all before you make the decision that it is better to come out knowing it may very well end the marriage and cause a horrible disruption in not only your life but all around you.

I see a problem here. It presumes that things will go catastrophically wrong. I submit that the catastrophe is more often the way one comes out, rather than some inevitable consequence of coming out.

Sure, there are people who hold rigid prejudices against transgenderism, and there are relationships that are already failing for other reasons, and coming out in these instances may hasten the presumed inevitable. But I would also submit that hiding and lying are fraught with even greater risks than clumsy attempts at honesty.

[Eryn]

I would say the biggest error is coming out at all before you make the decision that it is better to come out knowing it may very well end the marriage and cause a horrible disruption in not only your life but all around you. Are you ready to permanently change almost everything in your life and in the lives of everyone you know?

These things may happen, but I think that the only person who was greatly affected by my coming out was my wife, and what has changed for her is mostly postive. The path I was on was not a good one mentally and now I am on a much healthier path. We get out more, have a better social life, and a greater understanding of each other. That understanding is what a marriage is all about.

I have also told my daughters, but it hasn't really affected their lives greatly. They know a bit more about their Dad, but their lives are now pretty much separate from mine.

[Lorileah]

Also "My way or the highway" attitude. Especially when people here tell the SO, "I can't help it, it is BORN into me...this is me and you HAVE to accept it"

Or the dreaded, "I am getting older, so live with it"

[Angela Campbell]

Eryn that is wonderful, but when one makes a decision like this you have to be prepared for if it goes the other way. Some will find it easier to work it out but there is always the chance it will not. You should be prepared for the worst before going in, and not automatically expect the best. I am glad it has been positive for you but I am sad for those who went into this and were surprised when their whole world came crashing down.

[Jenniferathome]

I think the lack of an objective understanding of your relationship is a killer. The fact that you are married doe snot mean you have a great relationship. As I have posted many times, if the foundation is not strong, cross dressing can provide the motivation or excuse to end that relationship. If the foundation is strong, you can get past it. Objectivity is hard.

[melanie206]

You have to assess the SO's knowledge of gender and sexuality and be prepared to explain how you fit into the two spectrums ( spectra? ).
Also, an initial non-negative response should not be considered a green light. There's an incubation period for the SOs ultimate attitude. You always hear people advise going slowly. Very true.

[Joann Smith]

Never go to your SO's family reunion wearing heels and mini skirt ...because its too hard to run, duck beer cans and look lady like in a outfit like that....


Joann

[abigailf]

I would add;
- do it as soon as you even suspect something, and
- never, ever ,ever, ever lie about any part of it, and
- if you have a chance to tell her/him, do it.
Like
"Why is this lipstick in your office desk?"
"I took it from the kids."
She is not over that I lied about that. The correct answer should have been "I was wearing it. We need to talk."

[Jana]

Another common error I've seen is being outed, instead of sitting down to talk and revealing the truth.

[Marleena]

Sometimes the biggest coming out error is..well... coming out.

[Jacqueline Winona]

The first four ar e spot on, but I'm not sure there ever is a good time to talk about this for the first time. Some times are worse than others, but this will more likely than not cause a lot of pain in your marriage no matter how strong it is before the talk. There really is no good answer IMO, hiding it is wrong unless your wife knows and wants you to keep it from her, but opening up and putting this on her plate isn't without its costs either.

[Lady Catherine]

As far as being accepted at first then seeming not to? I believe sometimes the person may try to do to much to fast, and this ends up overwhelming to SO to the point of "changing her mind" on the issue. Go slow and ease into it.

[kimdl93]

Sometimes the biggest coming out error is..well... coming out.

I really don't believe that coming out can be a mistake...although who, how and when you come out, may prove to be.

[Marleena]

I really don't believe that coming out can be a mistake...although who, how and when you come out, may prove to be.

Oh..just some of the horror stories here have me wondering.

I think some kind of feeling out process is required. If it's a spouse before you get married (if you know you are TG) is the best.

[SandraInHose]

I may have missed this if it had already been mentioned, but once you do decide to let your SO know, don't overload her with everything at once!

In other words, tell her when you feel the time is right, and IF she wants to see you dressed, then show her something conservative, not your skin-tight micro-mini bandage dress and 5" CFM heels.

And take it from me, do NOT push it! Even if she appears to be relatively accepting from the get-go, don't all of a sudden wake up the next day and think it's OK to dress all out. Hold back, and let her 'coax' it out of you...don't just assume she's ready to dive in head first. We've seen too many cases where the wife seemed OK at first, then after a short period of time they change their mind completely!

[ReineD]

Another big mistake is to wait too long to tell her.

If the CDing has already escalated to the point where you are secretive at times and ill-tempered (for not being able to dress) at other times, she will sense that something is wrong, even though she will not know what it is. She may fill in the blanks with her own explanations (you're having an affair or you don't love her anymore). If this goes on for awhile, she will have built up some resentments which will make it all the more difficult for her to approach the CDing with an open mind when she does find out.