A sexless marriage?

[Bo-peep]

I went into early menopause; I lost interest in sex. I started on hrt to relieve the hot flushes etc ... But I have to say that at the time I was in a relationship with someone who did not overly excite me anyway so I had little interest in the sex side of things . At fifty years of age I thought my sex life was over and to be honest I did not really care. It seemed the less I had sex the less I wanted it. My partner had a very low sex drive and suffered premature ejaculation and did that '' roll over and go to sleep'' ritual which made me even less inclined to bother. Our relationship ended after 4 yrs... I breathed a sigh of relief and lived alone and thought that I was content.
But then .... a man came into my life who I just had immediate chemistry with!! Mind blowing earth shattering chemistry!!
I remember the day I met him ... I actually trembled ... it was like a flood of adrenalin.
Fortunately he felt the same about me and we have been together for nine months.
I have been transformed into a raving nymphomaniac! Never in all my life have I felt this way ... never in my life has anyone had this effect on me.

So menopause does not have to spell the end of interest in sex

[StephanieC]

When my partner got to a certain age, this became a rarity. Over the years, she also put on weight and became self conscious about her body. By the time I started hormones, we were a matched set.

I agree with the comment above: there are many ways to be intimate and to show love.

-stephani

[Eryn]

The simple answer to your problems (as well AS MINE) is a FEMALE Viagra.

IF MORE sexual health Researchers (like Alfred Kinsey) were female-then it would have been on the market a long time ago.

I recall reading that Viagra has pretty much the same effect on males or females as far as physiological arousal goes. Males get erections, females get engorgement of the labial and vaginal tissues.

The reason that Viagra is prescribed to men is because, if there is a problem, men need viagra to function at all.

As far as a supposed male bias in medical care, one wonders why breast cancer gets so much more attention than prostate or testicular cancer...

[Eryn]

Snow, Viagra doesn't give men the desire for sex either, just the physiological tool to accomplish it. Now, possession of that tool may lead to the desire through nothing more than kinesthetic memories of times past. The same may apply to females.

Aging men's libidos might be just as low as their partner's but egos and societal pressure demand that men be ready to satisfy their partner at the drop of a hat, hence the sales figures for little blue pills.

[docrobbysherry]

Alana, I'm very sorry u r suffering. U describe yourself as "married". However, it doesn't sound like one to me. U 2 r room mates now. U did confuse me when u rote about having an "affectionate" SO, tho?

When the sex went out of my marriage, so did the affection. Both of us knew it wouldn't lead anywhere so we both dispensed it lot less. After a time, I realized our marriage was over. Separating and divorcing was NOT fun! But, I began dressing about then. Sex and Sherry came into my life! Along with a great group of folks here! Dating at my age is no picnic. But, I'm 10 times happier than I was with my ex!

And, I'm free to dress and to meet my new T friends!

[AlanaG]

Alana,

It sounds like you're a veteran at marriage. Short answer to this issue with so many variables is start talking with your wife about each others needs. You'll have to give a little, she'll have to give a little, it's a start.

Best wishes,

Colleen

Colleen you are right, married for 38 years. I have talked and talked about sex issues for just about all those 38 years. I'm tired of talking. And I've given and given.

I hear ya, Alana. Getting old ain't for sissies (of either gender).

In MY opinion (& experiences with Tara) your dressing probably is not the reason for a sexless marriage. Hormones are what we should be angry with....I sure am: i.e.: Peri-MEAN-o-pause.

I wish I could get a 'pause' from this %#@*&^%$#!+.

When s(he) becomes Tara, s(he) is stress-free. Stress-free=happy, carefree.

How often are you Alana? (I apologize, I haven't taken the time to look at any of your other posts.)

If it is everyday, then that would be a turn-off for me. But, if otherwise, then maybe you could look into other 'adventures' you have fantasized about doing with her (& ONLY her). NO others in your marital bed - is my opinion.

We have indulged in 'harmless' bedroom play since we met (4 1/2 yrs. ago) that I didn't even KNOW about. And, I was a 'cool hippie chick' livin' & lovin' in the 70's.

Maybe a trip together to your local adult bookstore (they don't sell BOOKS-who came up with that terminology?) as a 'last ditch effort' to help the both of you?

It sure helped us. Just being there TOGETHER, looking, giggling, "Oh MY'ing", 'how could anybody want to use this for that...?"- is fun. Having to whisper back & forth , and speaking out of the sides of our mouths (so as not to offend others) brings you TOGETHER.

Ask her if she would be willing to go on an 'Adventure' with you-because you love her and want to revitalize 'the fire' SHE once had for you so that you two can be close again?

Snow

Snow.
I dress a couple of times a week. By dressing I'm talking about hose, skirt and top. I don't do the wig or makeup. I've tried not dressing for a few weeks at a time to see if she would respond but she doesn't. She has never been interested in anything other than "making love". She won't step foot into an adult bookstore. I've tried.

As my mom told me long ago "there''s more to love than just sex".
Intimacy doesn't necessarily mean sex if you are truly in love.

Cheryl
I agree 100%. But, sex is and always has been a very big thing for me. Without sex it’s like asking me to not eat pizza again and only eat soup.

This is in fact a very common situation, and requires some VERY gentle handling.
There are many, many reasons why women lose interest in sex; some physical and some psychological; and for the most part, they can all be treated.
Hormonal changes, especially around menopause, can cause sex to become painful, and menopause too can produce some psychological symptoms that result in a lowered sex drive for women - often issues around self-image, and what is happening to her womanhood.
While I understand that she may be a bit reluctant to talk to her Doctor about this, let me assure you that he has seen it all and heard it all before; many times! He is only there to help, and should be her first port of call, to make sure that there is no physical reason for this lack of interest.

On balance of probability, it is most likely that the cause is more psychological and than physical, but it is important to rule out the physical first. Stress issues, changes in her lifestyle or relationship or hormonal problems could all play a part.

When that has been done, you can explore the psychological issues that might be at work, and first, I'd like you to have a look at this website:
http://health.msn.com/health-topics/...ntid=100186622
She needs to understand quite clearly how this is making you feel - unloved, unwanted, rejected I suspect. This is something you both must talk about, but calmly and without blaming or shaming.
However, bear in mind that this is a very difficult time for her, emotionally, physically and hormonally; so above all else, be gentle and don't try to force things. Be kind and encouraging, and suggest that it would be good for your relationship if she was to get help from her Doc. That's the first step on the way to solving an all too common problem.

Going outside the relationship to satisfy your physical needs is an option; perhaps the worst you could conceive of. When she finds out; and probably she will; it will simply validate her opinion of herself as being un attractive and unloveable. Remember, this is the woman you love.

Best, Amanda

Amanda
You are very insightful and have given me some thoughts to mull over. Thanks

This whole topic depresses me. How can anyone say that sex isn't a part of love? While not the whole of the matter, it certainly is a part of it. For some, more important than for others, but if your SO/wife/gf can't "help" you out, in one way or another, there is a problem there.

I read constantly through the forum, from subject to subject, about "her needs" but what about yours? Do your needs ever get to take a front seat? or are they suppose to always be in the back seat?

Miss Joanne, how very true.
---

Thanks to everyone for your replies. You've given me so ideas that I hadn't thought of. And a special thank you to the people to PM'd me.

Some more info, she has always has less of a sex drive than me for our whole marriage. If it wasn't for the kids, I would have divorced her. But I told myself I wouldn't do that to her or the kids.

[Keri L]

I am in the same situation, if it makes you feel any better. We did have sex more often in the past, and even sometimes when I was in panties and a bra. But, now it's been so many months, I have lost track. We've comitted ourselves to marriage counseling, so we will see how that goes

She has said in the past that sex with me en femme was okay, so long as there was a counterbalance, i.e. Sex when I am in male mode. But, lately she seems to have zero interest at all. It makes me wonder if she has lost respect for me, because of my need to express my feminine side. I guess time will tell, and I am happy to provide updates as things progress.

Hugs,
Cate

[GaleWarning]

I have heard that 'they' (whomever 'they' are) having been working on a Female Viagra for many, many years.

Isn't there a product called "Womanzone" that is supposed to be rubbed on down there and is alleged to cause arousal in a woman?

And did a well-known brand of condom manufacturers not produce a "his and hers" lubricant which is alleged to be mind-blowing in its effect?

There is no-one in my life at the moment, so I can merely remark that I seem to recall seeing these two products, but have not had the need to check either of them out!

[DebbieK]

I am not married, but my long term girlfriend started to lose the urge for intimacy when she went through menopause. But fortunately for me, she missed that feeling of desiring sex and talked to her doctor about her lack of sex drive. Her doctor perscribed some simple hormons, and now she is back to loving intimacy. I know it not going to be that easy for everyone, but it is worth a discussion between your wife and doctor about the possibilities of taking some hormons to get that drive back

[WifeofWrenchette]

Debbie, it's a wonderful idea (hormones), but I've taken them in the past (all kinds) and get incredibly sick (vomiting) from them. I never could take birth control pills either because of it.

Clay, as far as the topical ointments, I've tried those too. It is akin to putting Ben-Gay on your privates. I got burned by it and lost the loving feeling right away. Will never do that again! I am very sensitive so it may have been just my reaction, however I would caution anyone else trying it. Maybe a test try on the back of your hand or something first.

I love my husband very much so it's not an issue of not loving him, nor is it his dressing as I'm 100% comfortable with that.

*sigh* As far as HIS needs. I've been there, tried that, but he's had issues int he past (so it's not just me) having completion the other ways. *sigh again*

Will speak to my doctors again about it since maybe there are other things we can do about the problem.

To the OP, good luck with it and I hope your wife can find a good remedy too, You too Snow White, best wishes!

[Karren H]

At out age..... Sex is so over rated... where as a good bowel movement is so under rated! lmao.... I'm pretty sure my wife just doesn't want to have to sex with a pervert......

[TxKimberly]

At out age..... Sex is so over rated... where as a good bowel movement is so under rated! lmao.... I'm pretty sure my wife just doesn't want to have to sex with a pervert......

Awe . . . you jest but I suspect that one hurts more than you let on . . .

[Karren H]

Awe . . . you jest but I suspect that one hurts more than you let on . . .

I don't hurt.... any more.....

[falcongts]

I understand fully , Crossdressing for me has nothing to do with my sexless marriage

[DebbieL]

Though I learned to please women at 15, I was a virgin "from the waist down" until I was 21. After a 3 month affair, it was another 2 years before I met another partner. That was exciting for about 4 months, but by the time we were married, she had lost interest in sex. She knew I was transgendered 3 weeks after we moved in together, but didn't tell me until 12 years later that she was never able to accept the dressing, but didn't want to lose me. The mostly platonic marriage (we do it 3 times a year - so he won't forget what he's not getting - is how my wife explained it to my sister) lasted 8 more years, until she started having an affair.

When I finally met a Michele, who sought me out because I was transgendered and arranged for a mutual friend to introduce us, I had a really wonderful relationship that lasted almost 2 years. I loved her so much, and she loved Debbie - even more than Rex. She even supported me in getting RLE for transition. Unfortunately, she got an offer she couldn't refuse from a former boyfriend and left.

[docrobbysherry]

At out age..... Sex is so over rated... where as a good bowel movement is so under rated! lmao.... I'm pretty sure my wife just doesn't want to have to sex with a pervert......

It's only over rated if u don't enjoy it when u DO have it, Karren! I was married, so I've been there. I found no sex to be preferable to bad sex!
Altho I'm much older than u, I had given up on sex in my 50's. Then, I had a sexually resurgence rite after I began dressing and discovered sex was stimulating and enjoyable again! And, in my 60's it still is!

Karren, I'm sorry you and others r missing out on that very important life function!

[WifeofWrenchette]

We/I have used 3 of those products for a woman to put on her 'nether-regions'.

Here are our ratings:
1) K-Y Yours+Mine=0 stars
2) Viva Cream (for her)=2 stars
3) K-Y Intense(for her)=5 stars

Just my ,
Snow

I'll try the "intense" then Snow. Thanks for the recommendation!
Hugs,
Wow