I can’t stay long...

[Frédérique]

[SIZE="2"]Because I, I can’t stay long
Let the sky roll on
Just a glance and the glance is gone (John Foxx)

The title does not refer to me, rather it refers to MtF crossdressers who come here, settle in for a bit, do some posting, but eventually, yet gradually, leave the premises. The longer I’m here, the more impressed I am with the patience of the long-standing members – I guess this has a lot to do with the joy and sadness of finally meeting kindred spirits, only to see them fade away over time. At this point I’m more used to the “temporary” nature of some members. I like to engage, via a written dialogue, with every person who seeks me out, knowing full well that it isn’t meant to last. I must say I’m amazed that I’M still here; even though I’ve seen many others come and go...

I suppose a lot of people come here to learn about themselves. They absorb what they can from the many voices of experience in residence, and then, somewhat satisfied or completely bewildered, they slither away back to from whence they came. Personally, I like to interject a comment now and then, or submit one of these lengthy essays about the non-understandable subject of MtF crossdressing, just for fun. There seems to be no end of topics to dust off, so I find myself still amongst my beloved peers, those I admire, on most days of the week. Why do I do it? I think it’s become a hobby of sorts for me – sit down, write a little something, think about it, write a little more, submit it, and then go do something else...

I return again and again, but others leave, and their desire to return is either unknown or N/A. Now and then someone WILL come back, but then they disappear just as quickly. Some of my friends on this site gush all over me and tell me I’m the reason why they hang around, which is flattering (and scary), but then they disappear all the same. I keep wondering why this is. Granted, it takes time and effort to read the posts, write responses, and then respond to the responses, and some of us are not predisposed to enjoy writing. Also, it can be difficult to find something that relates to YOU, and your own particular crossdressing situation, and picking through the communal undergrowth can be very tiresome. The latter kept me lurking for three years, but I digress...

Another factor might be unwarranted resistance from people who are not quite like you are. I see this from time to time on this site, and I try to downplay any differences that exist, but the fact remains that some do not expect any backlash against such a personal thing like one’s crossdressing. It hurts, and it makes you feel like leaving, or wonder why you joined in the first place. I’ve been there, believe me, but I log on regardless, sometimes purely as an act of will. It’s almost a masculine exercise to state one’s case and not retreat, not one inch, even though we are dressing against our birth gender for one reason or the other. This leads me to question WHY we dress, if it is not somehow modifying our behavior for the better. I must say that this site is the least bitchy of all that I have been a member of, but people still leave. You know, I miss my old friends...

I guess people come here, get what they want, and leave by the revolving door, while others set up camp and welcome the new pilgrims. Looking at the threads in the MtF crossdressing section, I recognize few names that were here two months ago, let alone a year or more ago. It seems like a river runs through this place, and water is continually passing beneath the bridge. I’m over here, sitting on the shore, watching the crossdressers float by. Now and then I wave to someone, or they wave at me, but soon they are swept downstream, away from my solitary position. I wish they would stay awhile, for it gets lonely at times, and time is definitely NOT on my side...

What are your reasons for maintaining a presence here? Are you thinking of leaving at some point? How come?

I don’t know... maybe it’s me... [/SIZE]

[Lady Catherine]

I've only been here a short time and I've noticed that people don't tend to stay around long. I recently had a conversation on Facebook with some one I met here who said she no longer comes to this sight because of the "restrictive nature" of what she was allowed to post. She also mentioned that she didn't like how harshly some here would react to something she said or asked. Personally I've never had an issue, but I have "thick skin" so things like that don't bother me. I hope to be here for the long haul, but, I guess, only time will tell.

[ReluctantDebutant]

For me I come and go, perhaps I am following my CDing cycle. but it doesn't matter whether I dress or not I feel that my desire to dress makes me a member of this community. A lot of times I just don't have anything to say.

Perhaps those that "go" aren't gone, just silent.

[kimdl93]

Well, I'm not nearly as verbose as some members, including the originator of this thread. But in a little over two years it seems I've chimed in more than my share. I keep coming back and pitching in my two cents worth..current total value of about $44.40, because the people and the topics discussed are meaningful to me and I think at times...perhaps too often, I have something of value to share. Reason enough, I think.

[Miriam-J]

You've captured the flow remarkably well, Freddy, and got me thinking again.

I've been hear nearly a year now, but I'm not nearly as active as I once was. In the beginning it was all so new and thought-provoking, providing immense help to me as I came to a much firmer understanding and acceptance of myself. After a few months I found that I was learning less and less with each pass through the site, and so I began to focus my reading on the more thoughtful threads - often including yours. While my early participation led me to contribute on a wide variety of threads, I then decided to focus my energies on threads where I could provide a perspective that hadn't been expressed by others already, or amplify key points that I really appreciated from others.

I see my approach as being basically selfish, but it fills my needs and keeps me slightly above lurker status. The low-level participation keeps my head "in the game" without making it a focus of my life. Perhaps others have the same mindset.

[vikki2020]

I remember when I first found this site, and how much it helped me to progress to where I'm at now. The feeling that there were so many others that were dealing with the same issues that I was, and that "hey, I'm really not all that different"!! This was all so new for me, having others to talk to, and the help they offered. As time went on, I moved on also, and some of the posts were "old news" to me, but, I realize that they were very fresh for others. I may not log on as often as I used to, but, I always stop in when I can, and never fail to find a post that has interest for me. Yes, I know that there is a bit of a revolving door here, but, to those that hang in here-- we are blessed with so many great insights, and some very, very, good writing. I've found no other site like this one!

[Angela Campbell]

I have been coming here because it is the only friendly place I have found where I can just be me. I have only been here a few months, and I have noticed some come and go. I too understand the "restrictive nature" Lady Catherine mentioned. Seems restrictive only sometimes though, not very consistent. I can see how someones feelings can be hurt over that sometimes. Why they come and go....who knows. Maybe the ones who leave are the ones who finally figured out why we all do this.

[CassandraSmith]

Really good question Frédérique... I'm very new as you probably already have figured out; however, I have years of experience in another music related forum.

I've gone through all of Tuckman's stages--the Forming – Storming – Norming – Performing model of group development and know the ropes. I also already have a written voice. I know what to expect in a forum and how to behave (usually). I've never been banned in the other one but early in my virtual life, I got into fights and moderators had to step in and give me time outs and infractions.

For those new to this, just mastering the language and the culture could be daunting. It takes a lot of energy and time to post and it's easy in the honeymoon phase and not so easy later on. I would imagine that a lot of people come here to find acceptance and escape exclusion only to find that people are people and they may not be welcomed or liked by everyone here. That would be difficult given the nature of our bent to suddenly realize it when an idealized fantasy might be that we could finally find total unconditional love here.

Also, as Moby once said "People they come together; People they fall apart; No one can stop us now; 'Cause we are all made of stars..." The thing to remember is that people give what they can. It's important to accept that and allow them to move in and out of our lives.

Now I have no idea how long I'm going to be here but right now, this is the most important place on earth. The changes in my feelings about myself, my happiness, self acceptance have been profound just from meeting the ones I have and I've only been here a week! But maybe I'll grow to a different place in a day, month, year? Who knows. If I met some woman and found the complete relationship of my dreams, frankly, I probably won't have time to hang out here much as I'm already pretty busy as it is. I'd simply be so immersed in living, loving her, and CDing, there won't be a lot of time for talking about it much. I'll just be it.

Being advanced-in-years also brings into play a desire to help others also and this is a trait of maturity and age. That's why the mods are often involved. They see a way to give-back to the culture and it's very satisfying. If a young person came here, I wouldn't expect that from them. They're more in a place where they need to acquire experiences and find answers rather than give them. It's natural if they move on because they're not settled yet.

Remember, virtual isn't real life. Real life is what we aspire to do when the stars all line up.

[CherylAnne]

I don't remember when I found this site, but I liked it right away. I plan to stay a long time.
Frederique, one of the first things I do after I log on is do a quick scroll, scan, etc to see if you have posted something new. So, I hope you stay for a long time so I can keep reading your insightful and thought provoking posts. Thank you for your words.

[TGMarla]

I'm sitting on the shore with you, watching the stream float by. I hope one of us brought a bottle of wine. I continue to come here because it is something of a sanctuary for me, where I can wear my pretty dresses without repercussions from anyone. I don't need to find other sites, as whatever needs for such sites I have as a crossdresser are met on this site. I am at heart a simple lady with simple needs. I've seen a lot of people come and go, and like you, I miss some of them. But people come here, derive what they need, and move on, I guess.

More wine, Freddy?

[ReineD]

I've also often wondered why there are only several hundred regular posters in any given period of time, while 7,000 members on average log in during a three month period, and there have been 27,000 registered members since inception of this board.

I suspect that many people register just to see the pics in the Gallery that cannot be seen otherwise? Or they post here a bit then decide they are not interested in the chatter, they mostly like to "play", and the rules here are too strict for them?

I do think that dressing for the vast majority of CDers is kink or sexual. I get this impression from the many porn and meet-up sites and yahoo chat groups out there. I even registered once on one of the Yahoo chat sites (there are thousands), just to see what it was about. And I got an eyeful! So it's not surprising that this site wouldn't appeal to the yahoo-type members. They don't want to talk about the CDing, they have no issue to resolve, they just want to have their fun.

Also, maybe the CDing is not as permanent as some members here feel it is. Maybe some men begin to indulge, and then they get bored or they just don't want to put up with difficulties involved with hiding this from a wife? Or maybe it is just something to do in between partners?

I think the people who do stay here, do so because cross-gender expression meets perhaps a deeper emotional or psychological need than it does for those who move on.

[PretzelGirl]

It is a social thing to me. The ability to interact and learn. Making friends never grows old to me and above all else, I do love to socialize as time permits (it has seemed a little cramped lately). And then there is always something else to learn. There are always comments about repeating threads, but while that is true, there are also new thoughts and perspectives that come up from time to time. So I have no idea how long I will be here. I only hope that the duration will be "just right".

[YorkshireRose]

Hi Fred,

Sometimes life just gets in the way and we have other more important issues in life to deal with. I had a break and now life is on a bit of an even keel again, I feel able to contribute more. But despite not posting, I still checked in to read some of the fantastic and thought provoking posts on here. I just wasn't in the right space to be able to post and that is probably true of other CDrs that disappear for a time.

[Marleena]

Interesting topic Freddy.

I joined here to find others like myself. I'm retired with lots of time on my hands. My original goal was to try and help others feel good about themselves. I hate negative influences. That said I've seen many people come and go. Do they just stop dressing? Is it even possible? I mean we're CD/TG/TS for life, right?

I have to admit I do have days where I'd love to be able to give this up and join the cisgender world but I doubt that can ever happen. I might get fed up and leave this forum some day. I left a lot of friends behind on Facebook when I got fed up with it.

[Kate Simmons]

I mostly stay here because I have many friends here and gain more all the time. If I can help with understanding along the way, all the better. Those of you who know me know I have had many name changes on this board over the last 7 years but the reason for that is that I evolve as a person and the names seem to evolve along with me. I have balanced my male and female feelings and energies, so for one thing I have pretty thick skin but I realize many others do not but self understanding is the real key to knowledge.I have self doubts just like anyone else sometimes, that's just human nature. I realize one cannot please everyone by the things they say and I honestly do not want to hurt anyone either but do pose questions to make us all think, that is my purpose here. to help my friends.

[Tess]

I'm one of those that comes and goes. Over time the subjects become repetitive and I need a break. When I'm gone there are probably beautifully written essays which I would have enjoyed had I kept at it. Every time I return it seems fresh again for awhile before it gets boring for me.

[sissystephanie]

I currently live alone, as a widower, and can go on crossdressers.com whenever I like. However, at my age the time may come when I will have to move into a home for seniors where my computer time will most likely be limited! I just hope that all my friends, and even those who don't like me for whatever reason, remain active on this forum!! I do enjoy reading the posts, and learn a lot!

[Rogina B]

I think Reine is pretty close to it in that if it is just kinky conversation that they are after,it isn't here. If it is just exploration,they can join Fetlife and check out a zillion groups as they wish as they only have to be a member of that group to post..There are more than enough kinks to check out if that is what someone is after. I think many regulars here pick and choose what posts they care enough to reply to in any section of the forum.

[Ceri Anne]

Been here for only a little while..........so it seems, less than a year, but really enjoy the boards. Keep hoping to get out near you Frederique one of these days.

[Amanda22]

Freddy, good post (as usual). I came out to my lovely wife and subsequently many others in my life about two and a half years ago. At that time, I had just come to accept myself as a cross dresser and/or transgendered. I found this forum and made new friends. I learned a ton about myself and others in the process. For me, it was a process of discovery as I emerged from the closet. After several months, I began to timidly venture into public en femme, documenting my experiences on this forum. All of this was met with a huge amount of support and encouragement from the members here.

Since then, I dress en femme nearly daily in public. Achieving that step is again a credit to many wise members here. Dressing en femme in public is now my normal and not an "OMG" moment any longer. I frequent the Transexual Forum much more often than the MTF CD Forum, because the topics on this forum aren't really relevant to where I am on my journey. I know that sounds snobbish. I have some very good friends here and I do take the time to say "hi" to let them know I'm still around, either by a post like this or by an email, visitor message, or private message. I'm sure to many, I appear to have disappeared.

For whatever reason, I've moved pretty quickly down my path and realize that my future is something in addition to cross dressing.

[Caroline C]

I'm one of those that comes and goes. Over time the subjects become repetitive and I need a break. When I'm gone there are probably beautifully written essays which I would have enjoyed had I kept at it. Every time I return it seems fresh again for awhile before it gets boring for me.

I agree with Tess. And it's not only this BBS but other boards that cater to cars, electronics and machine shop equipment., ect. The difference is on other boards a new member will sign up to ask a question that has already been answered a thousand times then never show back when they got their answer. This board is more like a community but the I just got my first ?? posts I now skip. I also very rarely look at the pics gallery. Just too depressing knowing I would never be able to attain those looks.

[Duana]

Good post.

My presence here ebbs and flows based on my personal needs. When I first came here, I was confused and scared about becoming a "full-on" CD. I learned a lot, made a few friends and enjoyed my awakening.

But having an encouraging partner negated a need for much ongoing support. There's only so much you can learn about makeup, dressing, mannerisms and accommodating crossdressing into your life. So my visits became much less frequent.

Then there are times when I'm lonely or have issues which only fellow CDs can relate to, that I return. And in returning, I inevitably get caught up in the stories, the drama and the current events. And so I stick again.

I think the answer lies in your personal loneliness, if I may say that without negative connotations. If you're isolated in your crossdressing, I believe you're much more likely to seek a refuge such as this.

I am not.

I am out to many people. I have regular places I hang out, in the "real world". I have friends who accept me and love to go out with me. I have an SO that loves me the way I am and does not impede my dressing in any way. I have no need to commiserate. I can express my fears, frustrations and successes with people face to face. And I doubt anyone would argue that doing so is not infinitely more enjoyable than doing it in a forum to digital crossdressers.

But please don't misconstrue my words. I do enjoy this place. It serves a valuable purpose. I have no intention of making a final departure. But not all of us need it as much as others.

ETA:

I agree with the comments about repetition. How many "I told the wife", "I shaved my legs", "Am I passable", "I went out the first time" posts can we read without being bored? I realize it's exciting to the poster but I've read dozens and they run together like colors on a palette.

[Ressie]

I'm in other forums that have a similar dynamic. Thousands of members but less than 50 active at any given time. Some start their own groups on FB now days too. I feel kind of new here even though I joined nearly 5 years ago. I'm not one to start threads, but I like to learn from others and put in my 2¢ once in a while.

I find this to be the most active internet forum I've been involved with, and I keep seeing long standing members pop up that don't post often. Using the search function brings me to older threads with posts from members that seem to have gone elsewhere. But once again, I see the same thing on other forums I'm a member of. FB also has an ebb and flow of participation.

[LaraPeterson]

Some of us live in the real world. . .we're not in Kansas anymore. Others of us live in what we believe is the real world, but it really is Kansas. Not that Kansas is a bad place or anything, just a good Metaphor, I suppose. Like Dorothy, I suppose most of us have a dream about how we would like life to be, but alas, the real world keeps butting in. Some of us dream of a brain that works better so we can sort out all the CD thoughts that invade our real world. Still others of us just want a heart that will be understood by those who will probably never understand us. And yet others want some. . .you guessed it. . .courage, to tell those we love the most about the most difficult set a circumstances a human can face alone.

Where is the wizard when we need him? Big, firm boobs would be nice, a hairless body would be great, a face without so many manly features would be perfect. And could someone do something about these big feet? What about a world where we would be celebrated instead of segregated? Or, at least a world where we would be accepted instead of shunned.

Then, there is that whole issue about having enough money to buy all the hose, shoes, dresses, skirts, blouses, makeup, nails, jewelry, wigs, breast forms (better yet implants) that we want and a great big closet to keep it all in. And that begs the question about having that special place where we can casually and without interruption put in all together before we go waltzing out the door.

Oh, that door. Every time we venture out beyond the safety of that door, what awaits us? Cruel comments, disbelieving stares, unapproving glances; that's what's on the other side of that door. Even for those of us who can go and and get by. . .passable. . .there's always that next door. Sometimes it's a door at work, sometimes it's that revolving door at the big box store, sometimes it's the door at the motel, whatever door it is the uncertainty we face makes us want to shrink into the shadows sometimes.

Maybe that's why we come here. Maybe that's why some come and stay while others come and go. Whatever the reason, and however long the visit, it is a nice place to let it all hang out, so to speak. It seems that some come here just to give and take a glancing blow while others come to wax elephants. Whether we're waxing or just sweeping up, it doesn't really matter, does it?

For me, this forum is a nice place to hang my hat from time to time reading and responding to issues that mean something to me. Not everything I read on here applies to me. So, I move on. Sometimes, I read something that really speaks to my situation so I chime in. And sometimes I read something that catches my attention but after reading all the comments by the experts, I just keep moving and laughing.

Psycho babble aside, I'm learning a lot here. Thank you for letting me visit.

[Jacqueline Winona]

Great topic, Freddie! Speaking just for myself, the first few months are pure euphoria, talking about subjects that rarely are spoken of by any of us. But over time, the topics do repeat themselves- no fault of the people who post on the same things, they are new to them, just not to those of us who have been around. That changes things, and we also go through changes- some of us go all-in on dressing and progress to the point where the "crossdresser" label isn't accurate any more,they migrate towards the TS sections. Others realize that they don't have the same interests as the majority of posters (not the same as members); There is some pressure, I don't think it is intentional necessarily, to try to keep up with those who are dressing daily, be open about dressing with the world, and to believe that if you're not advancing "the cause" you're not being true to yourself or other dressers. Once this feeling settles in, it's hard to comment because everything sounds negative, and most of us don't need more of that. And yes, there are some comments that occasionally cross the lines we draw in our own minds that we consider too personal, which do discourage further posts. I think this is pretty rare, though, most leave just because the more you learn about yourself, the more your interests change.