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Thread: Maybe you’re wrong, and they’re right

  1. #1
    Complex Lolita...
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    Maybe you’re wrong, and they’re right

    Do you ever have doubts about what you’re doing? Do you ever think, if only for a moment, that your situation is patently impossible, and maybe, just maybe, you’re WRONG, and you should start doing things right? I suppose I could be wrong, you know – I’ve been wrong before...


    This idea, or notion, wafts into my mind on occasion, but I don’t pay too much attention to it. I mean, here I am, a MtF crossdresser, obstinate to a fault, laughed at, isolated, marginalized, and lonely, bereft of any genuine connection with the outside world. I’ve painted myself into a corner, made my bed, and burned my bridges – where do I go from here? I have no choice but to try to live within the cramped space I have carved out for myself, for better or worse...

    I see people going about their daily lives, with things to do, places to go, friends and family by their side, while I just sit here. My choice of clothing precludes any notion of having a normal life, and this gets to me sometimes. I could be out there, doing that thing, rather than trying to do the impossible, i.e. go from M to F via reinvention. It’s not easy, but why did I choose this route through life? It WAS a choice, BTW. Why must I always do things the hard way?

    Please don’t mistake this as a cry for help. It isn’t. In any event, certain individuals on this site have pointed out, quite clearly, that I am the only one that can help ME. I understand that, and I must say I agree with that “position,” but I would gladly help anyone if I could. I suppose that if I was more normal, or doing those normal things that normal people do, I would feel a sense of accomplishment, rather than this feeling of emptiness...

    Instead, I have to defend my decision to crossdress, or, at the very least, protect it. I have no choice in the matter, after all – if I lose ME, I will become one of the walking dead, a legion of non-individuals who assume they’re right. Hmmm... Come to think of it, maybe being “wrong” isn’t so bad after all...


    Are you the master (I mean mistress) of your convictions, or do you doubt yourself?

  2. #2
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    Hi Freddi, Sometimes I look at that pretty lady looking back at me in the mirror and wondering,

    What in the Hell am I doing and then the thought goes away .
    Having my ears triple pierced is AWESOME, ~~......

    I can explain it to you, But I can't comprehend it for you !

    If at first you don't succeed, Then Skydiving isn't for you.

    Be careful what you wish for, Once you ring a bell , you just can't Un-Ring it !! !!

  3. #3
    Adventuress Kate Simmons's Avatar
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    The only thing I can say Freddy is that most people seem to be forever looking for something as if in a fruitless search. Many of us, it seems, have found what we are looking for, loneliness and isolation, etc. notwithstanding. Hey as they say, it's a tough job but someone has to do it, right? It may as well be us.
    Second star to the right and straight on till morning

  4. #4
    Gold Member Alice Torn's Avatar
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    Freddy, Conflict about this, does not seem to ever end. It wanes at times. I live a secret life with this, too, and i have very few , if any close friends now. I am a loner, but do help other s a times, and go to a 12 step adult children group. My religion forbids any crossdressing, which keeps me in conflict, and secrecy. I know that i will stop crossdressing sometime in the future, either because of health crises, desperate survival mode circumstances, i.e. homeless, hungry, cold, or death. It is something i do not need to do that often. Twice a month is enough for me, as often i am just too fatigues, and tired to go through the work of it all! I accept my male side, at times, and do fine with it, when fixing the car, or bicycle, or doing other physical work. I admit to being way too self centered, and narcissistic , though, whether dressed in guy mode, or my secret lady mode. There is conflict over whether i would even want to be in a committed relationship, as I am definitely too into myself, especially when dressed up. I hope to start doing volunteer work, someday, after my father passes. I too, feel so out of the normal, when i am around couples, families, groups. So tired of decades being "the loner", and oddball, alone in restaurants, on the bike, and most everything else, the loner.

  5. #5
    Member Luna Nyx's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by BLUE ORCHID View Post
    Hi Freddi, Sometimes I look at that pretty lady looking back at me in the mirror and wondering,

    What in the Hell am I doing .
    I had this roll through my mind not to long ago. I was having a bad day and i was spiraling downward. I looked in the mirrior and really thought " im a 27 year old man dressed as a woman. what the hell an i thinking." Then a little voice spoke up and I said. " Bitch, im Fabulous." After that i havent had a moments doubt.

  6. #6
    Junior Member flogo920's Avatar
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    Crossdressing is illogical, irrational, costly, and can seriously complicate one's life.

    It is also intensely pleasureable, enables one to reach escape velocity from the multiple stresses of one's life, and for most CDers I know, there is NO REPLACEMENT-

    A taboo is something society cannot replace.

    So- what to do ??Most of us are married hetero men- unless you want your SO involved, I would say
    try hard to control pink fog episodes and like anything else- do not let it dominate your life either by
    overdoing it or wasting time trying to figure out why you do it and trying to stop or by wasting time and energy on guilt.

    With life as difficult and complicated as it is, it is refreshing to be able to indulge in ann escape with no toxicity (ie like alcohol or drugs) , no illegality, and no harm to others as long as it is done withoug cost to familyor job time.

    My 2 cents

    Hugs,

    Flo

  7. #7
    Silver Member Angela Campbell's Avatar
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    In my 50 years of wearing womans clothes, I have tried that argument. What if I am wrong, wouldn't it be easier not to do this? It took years of denying it, trying to ignore it, and pretending it doesn't exist. I finally decided I did that long enough and it is time to let Ellen have a life too. I was born this way. I am this way. I still have a normal life, I can still do the things others do. Sometimes I look like a man when I do it, and sometimes I look like a lady when I do it. Since I just gave in and started embracing it I am a much happier person than I ever was before. I was wrong before when I tried to deny it.
    All I ever wanted was to be a girl. Is that really asking too much?

  8. #8
    Aspiring Member Lady Catherine's Avatar
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    flogo920

    And a fine 2 cents it is. I couldn't have said it better.
    Last edited by Sandra; 02-17-2013 at 02:21 PM. Reason: Removed quote, please read the rules about quoting posts
    I know enough to know I don't know enough.

    Peace

  9. #9
    Member GroovyChristy's Avatar
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    Freddy, I regularly have intense episodes of doubt. It has nothing to do with my convictions though, but rather my bouts of depression. I think to myself, "what is the point? I can never be a genetic female. I can never "pass." Is this all futile?" But I have become increasingly aware that to deny myself would be to live a lie. If I tried to fit into society's rigid expectations of being a male, I would be far more miserable than I am in my periods of doubt. It is exactly the same feeling I have about my music - I am by no means a great musician. But I love making music, and would be profoundly unhappy if I were to stop. We must be true to ourselves. I feel perfectly validated in wearing women's clothes, and this was greatly strengthened by a spiritual experience I had (I won't go into it here, but am happy sharing it in a PM if you are interested) in which I basically began to feel that God supported my decision to embrace this aspect of myself, which is indeed a centrally important aspect of who I am.

    I know the feeling of isolation and loneliness all too well, and have always known that my life cannot be quite like the lives of "normal" people (as if such a thing existed). I wish that all of us here could get together in person, but that is not likely. However, we can be here for each other in our times of need. Freddy, and anyone else for that matter, please feel free to PM me if you ever want someone to talk to.


    Quote Originally Posted by flogo920 View Post
    Crossdressing is illogical, irrational, costly, and can seriously complicate one's life.
    Flo, I find that this description fits many of the best things in life, to the point that these characteristics, while dangerous, are not undesirable, but often virtuous.
    Peace and love, - Christy

  10. #10
    Rachel Rachelakld's Avatar
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    Often thought it was wrong and still continued.
    One day wife said "did you kill someone?" no.
    "Did you hurt someone?", no.
    "Did you do something illegal?" no.
    "Well if these are our moral guides to wrong, how can wearing a skirt be wrong?"

  11. #11
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    I find it's silly to worry about what others say. "If you're always concerned with what others think, you will never be free." It's a prison is what it is! So in a sense, I suppose you're damned either way! So why the hell not be damned for doing what you like to do?

  12. #12
    Senior Member Krististeph's Avatar
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    Frédérique: Do you ever have doubts about what you’re doing?

    all the time my little Kansas Kitten. All the time.

    quote: 'rique; Do you ever think, if only for a moment, that your situation is patently impossible, and maybe, just maybe, you’re WRONG, and you should start doing things right?

    OH you are so right, so clever, so true to thought....

    but, my dear Frederique, with much love, and even more regret- i'm now going to kick your ass clear into Kentucky... :-) and like all truly profound ass kickings- this one is uber simple:

    "doing thing right?"

    Frederique- you are not as subtle as you think-- you are steering me right into saying what you want me to say- (and i'm rather impressed by this level of guile, takes some serious practice)

    what the f is "right"?

    This is by no means the answer- but here is what i did this week: read and responded to a truly crappy hundred pages of modern 'literture', and responded positively and subtly provocatively in class. helped a half dozen student through a 'final' based on serious hard work, yet forcing them to address question outside their bookwork, but appropriate to the real world, and figuring out how to do so while giving them the confidence of a graduate but the questioning of someone who realises ther is much more out there. securing a furnace for less than 1/2 typical install price. researching the appropriate NFPA codes to assure proper install, and doing so, including brickwork. playing with and giving small animals attention consistent with the best care possible. kicking other sutdent's asses for not working hard enough and having them apologise for not doing so and promising to keep working.

    so did i do wrong? this is what i really am. the fact i'd rather do so waring a skirt has no impact at all, except to my own detriment, for my various and admittedly probably poor reasons

    I act goofy, manic, and odd in class, and no doubt some of my students figure out i'm non-traditional in some way. But they also know i will kick anybody's ass, the dean included, if they interfere with my students' learning. Doing the job with alacrity and forthrightness means showing you put others first, and my students, and clients, figure this out and value it.

    i'd bet serious money that 90% of them would not care less if they found out i was a serious crossdresser, and some might even be interested in how wearing a briefer while installing a 10 ton furnace affects the way it is approached...

    Are you the master (I mean mistress) of your convictions, or do you doubt yourself? [/QUOTE]

    of my own? get the hell out of town if you have any question. but am i the master of interaction with the rest of the world? No, not in the top half, not yet. I claim it is due to worry about my position, and our community standing/social position. whether this is the real reason or not, i'm admitting 50/50 that most of you could guess as accurately as me in this case.

    I admit i'm a pussy. just be careful about what you think that lets you get away with... sweetie.

    good question Frederique...

    -kristi (in sheer energy, a long formal ball skirt, and a slinky long sleeve top)


    Last edited by Krististeph; 02-17-2013 at 01:22 AM.

  13. #13
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    Doubt? Never. Since I myself could care less about what other people are wearing. Or the WHY of their clothing choices if it is not "normal". My ONLY concern is how people interact with me so I expect the same from others... and with few exceptions, that's what happens.

    There will always be some people who just don't "get it". Who would rather die than to pull their heads from the sand. Allowing THOSE narrow minded people to dictate what one can wear in public is just plain silly IMO.

    "We have met the enemy and they is us."
    Last edited by Wildaboutheels; 02-17-2013 at 01:35 AM.

  14. #14
    Senior Member KellyJameson's Avatar
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    It is interesting how extroversion and introversion play out with crossdressers.

    Growing up in Los Angeles, a stones throw from the Queen Mary it never occurred to me that there was such a thing as a closeted crossdresser even though I bet I passed hundreds of them on every sidewalk in america.

    Even though I heavily associated with transvestites, I was an introvert with no interest in drag but enjoyed the makeup and fashion behind the scenes and was giving fashion advice to half the neighborhoods rich wives.

    It was not until I discovered various forums that I learned there was this whole world hidden from view of heterosexual crossdressers that sometimes are not always heterosexual which at first blush seemed more like me than all the transvestites with the occasional transsexual thrown in who were into men and always had been.

    You really get a good sense of the difference between transvestites and transsexuals when you are in close proximity to both at the same time but the transsexuals I was meeting were into men and I was not into anyone so it was messing with my understanding of myself.

    The extroverted crossdresser seems to have fewer problems than the introverted crossdresser so maybe it is not the crossdressing but the introversion that causes grief and not only for the crossdresser but the transgender and the transsexual.

    The problem with living in the shadows is it stops living because if you want to grow you have to find the courage from somewhere to step out and take risks.

    It seems those who live boldly may suffer the slings and arrows but it is in this surviving that makes possible personal growth and exploration.

    Kansas is very close to Colorado to take risks, but far enough away to not risk home and there are those on the forum who would enjoy helping you step out into the world if you asked for their help.

    Sensitivity is a wonderful thing if it does not build walls that imprison you and it is this sensitivity not the crossdressing that you are protecting. I know this behavior very well and how hard it is to risk stepping into a world that is so ugly with cruelty.

    You only want beautiful experiences but we are meant to do more than just experience beauty. At some point we must give something back to life or our lives are wasted.

    You do not have a problem with crossdressing but with being hurt by people.

    The more we remove ourselves from the world the more our world shrinks and soon it becomes impossible to leave the house.

  15. #15
    Senior Member Amanda M's Avatar
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    Freddy - you DO have choice, if you want to consider it.

    Best, Amanda
    If you always do what you always did, you'll always get what you always got!

  16. #16
    Silver Member Joanne f's Avatar
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    Defiantly Not,
    How can I be wrong for being Me and enjoying things that make me happy just because I may not fit into a specific niche in society , it is something that does no physical harm to any one and in theory it should not do any mental harm but if it does that is because of the way they are looking at it not because of what I am or what I am doing , the responsibly for any thoughts of wrong doing is on there head NOT mine , I have a right to be me as they have a right to be them yet do I pick on them NO so who is right and who is wrong , well I know that I am NOT wrong for being me .
    [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]Joanne

  17. #17
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    Frederique,
    I appreciate your thought provoking posts greatly.
    I often question my own motives and ask myself why I am on the path I have chosen. On one hand I want more... to be out and myself and enjoying the freedom to express myself as I wish. Yet, there are several underlying factors that do cause me to question these desires of being myself. These are: I am old, I am fat, and I make for a truly hideous looking woman.
    So I ask myself frequently why I want to try to appear more feminine and for me this involves trying to make certain changes to my body. I know that I am a hetero male and have zero desire to go under the knife to essentially change my being. I guess the answer I keep coming up with is that making the effort of caring for the finer details of my appearance helps me to appreciate more who I am.
    There are some aspects of my life that have fallen apart; my marriage has ended but all-in-all that is mostly for the best. However, I realize that my current obsession will prove to be detrimental when trying to establish new relationships especially love interests. As an introvert, I have always feared rejection and have always remained distant when I would otherwise wish to embrace the chance to be close to those who attract my attention.
    I may not be sequestered in a small town with all of the predjudices and gossip that goes along with it, but I understand that world as I grew up in a similar environment. Today it isn't so much the small town but in the environment of the industry I work in there are most who are very reticent about acceptance of those who choose to live their lives in ways that are considered outside of the norm. So as a compromize I underdress. Although, it is very difficult to hide wearing polished nails all the time and I like dangly earrings that I have decided to hell with them if they don't approve. I do get some forms of acceptance and mostly from women who comment favorably on my nails and choice of color. This does bolster my confidence, though I can't deny my reluctance to take any further steps.
    I cannot say that I am the master/mistress of my own destiny because my fears of ridicule keep me bound up in a very tight box as well. I don't know how to break out of this box built around myself. I guees only time will tell.
    Thanks Freddie for your ability to inspire introspective expolration.

    Annette

  18. #18
    Silver Member Rogina B's Avatar
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    I think Freddy just threw out a baited hook knowing it would draw action.. all the while,sitting in the cowbarn in Kansas doing a seascape from memory..lol Rogina has never allowed herself to get boxed in.And I believe,from what I see,that it is possible to find a SO[female or male] that will complement the "T" and expand life socially with new friends and activities.However,they probably won't be in the mainstream vanilla world. You have to make your own life if you want one.
    It SURE is my hair ! I have the receipt and the box it came in !

  19. #19
    Member adrienner99's Avatar
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    The terms "right and wrong" don't apply to every aspect of human behavior. Crossdressing may not be "normal" but there is nothing remotely wrong with it. But because it is so different, so misunderstood and I think so feared by straight men who feel they must lash out at it--some loneliness is damn sure inevitable. One reason for wonderful forums like this is to let you connect with people who love the same girly things you do. The same is true for the many support groups and conventions. I'll bet you could PM anyone on this forum and they would be as happy to make contact as you would.

    Crossdressing is a struggle. I don't think there is any getting around it. To come out is a risk not just to ourselves but to those who love us...For me, it is somewhat-guilt ridden--though I know that is only giving in to other people's projections of what I should be....I do see photos once in awhile of CDs out in public who look content, happy to be alive and THAT is the kind of girl I strive to be....I have read many of your posts and think you are a thoughtful, lovely girl...We may not have all the freedom and friends we want, but we still get to wear dresses and heels and lipstick sometimes...t he whole thing is ultimately a quest for balance.

  20. #20
    Complex Lolita...
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    Quote Originally Posted by Krististeph
    Frederique- you are not as subtle as you think-- you are steering me right into saying what you want me to say- (and i'm rather impressed by this level of guile, takes some serious practice) what the f is "right"?
    I’m surprised nobody (yet) has blurted out, “What is normal?” or “What is right?” That is the ultimate question here, but I’m thinking more about those moments, however fleeting, when you feel surrounded by non-acceptance, knowing it will never change. Selling out can be like a siren’s call – it would be so easy to give in, but, if I did, I know my soul would harden and become brittle, and my life expectancy would drop propitiously. Huh? It wouldn’t be GOOD, is what I’m trying to say…


    Quote Originally Posted by Kelly Jameson
    Sensitivity is a wonderful thing if it does not build walls that imprison you and it is this sensitivity not the crossdressing that you are protecting. I know this behavior very well and how hard it is to risk stepping into a world that is so ugly with cruelty. You only want beautiful experiences but we are meant to do more than just experience beauty. At some point we must give something back to life or our lives are wasted. You do not have a problem with crossdressing but with being hurt by people.
    I think you have something there. The inherent sensitivity I have is most precious, and my crossdressing flows, unchecked, from this spring of sensitivity. Just being on this site, tossing out ideas or different ways of looking at things, is a way of “giving back,” however remote it may be, but it all reflects back onto the girl who detests ugliness. I find that I cannot join the cacophony going on all around me; in fact doing so would be an act of personal treason. At best, I learn to live with my lot in life, and this necessitates certain miserliness when it comes to sensitivity…

    Quote Originally Posted by rogina garter
    I think Freddy just threw out a baited hook knowing it would draw action.. all the while,sitting in the cowbarn in Kansas doing a seascape from memory..lol
    Make that a grain elevator, and I’m painting an expressionistic self-portrait from memory…

    Throwing out a baited hook? I’m neither fishing nor trolling, rather I’m paddling upstream, against the current, destination unknown, looking for some company…

  21. #21
    Exploring NEPA now Cheryl T's Avatar
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    I doubted myself (and my sanity at times) for decades until I came to accept that this is who I am. I have no idea why I am like this and about 8 years ago I decided that it no longer mattered WHY. Now all that matters is WHO I am and I am happy with my answer.
    I don't wear women's clothes, I wear MY clothes !

  22. #22
    Platinum Member Beverley Sims's Avatar
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    Frédérique,
    I am wondering if your tolerance level towards others is too high.
    Meaning that they say something and you believe otherwise you do not bend their way at all.

    I read what I think are thoughtful posts here and do reply, sometimes seriously and some with levity.
    I know this is falling on deaf ears as you have marked me as a person not worth reading so my suggestions are going into cyber space.
    When I reply with levity I have fallen into a hole as it has gone over your head or you just don't get it.
    I am only saying, "lighten up". recognize a joke when you see it.

    There is a lot of fun and enjoyment on this board without us getting morbid and morose.
    Go to the Lounge and learn how the Brits and "Scotch" dunk their "Scots" biscuits in their tee, no thats golf.... Tea.
    (If the Scots don't get that I'm sunk.)
    On the other side of the coin those transitioning can find the lighter side of their adventures as well.

    To answer the question, I hope to remain the Master/Mistress of my own destiny.
    I was convicted years ago.
    There is no doubt about me, I am me.
    Work on your elegance,
    and beauty will follow.

  23. #23
    Life is for having fun. suzy1's Avatar
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    A bit of a sad post Freddy. I wish I could help cheer you up.

    Yes, I am master/mistress of my convictions.

    One of the reasons I stay in the closet is so that I can have a full life. [Or lives]
    My life as Suzy and my life as someone with a wonderful family and friends all over the country because of the sport I am involved with.
    But if I came out of my closet things would not be so good.

    So I have no doubts whatsoever.

  24. #24
    Silver Member kellycan27's Avatar
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    To me it sounds like you are locked up in your own self imposed prison. ..... Just saying
    "one day I'll fly away..... leave all this to yesterday"

    http://youtu.be/kR7NlgwVHHg

  25. #25
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    muss es sein?

    Frédérique,
    As you have stated many times, your dressing is not about being TG or wanting to be a woman, or doing this 24/7/365, so what is so important about this that you NEED to make this public. If this is a tactile experience, the public isn't going to appreciate it, and you don't need to be at the shopping center to enjoy it. On the one hand, you enjoy your dressing activities and on the other hand, you seem to want to exhibit this activity to those people that you know will trash your world. You wouldn't make a good spy.
    It is a bit schizophrenic to maintain 2 worlds but it can be done if it truly is for your personal enjoyment. Outing oneself is also a bit of exhibitionism--look at me ma! Yeah, we're all a bit odd here, but we probably have other oddities about ourselves. I like jazz, and that puts me in the bottom--now maybe 2% of music listeners. The rest of my musical interests put me out on distant planets. But I have absolutely no need to shout it from the rooftops. If you see my record collection, it is obvious what my musical likes and dislikes are.
    I often get the feeling reading your posts that you want some sort of public approval for a private endeavor. (ever think of exposing yourself via your art? e.g. painting men in mixed attire) So I guess to repeat my question, what is so important about making this public? If you have not been truthful with yourself, then you have do that first. Why to you want to connect this activity with the outside world? Would this really make your life better?
    I have breasts--great for dressing, but this is something I want to hide from the public. It is probably worse for a male having breasts than being a CD, and that is saying something. Thankfully my life is mostly over and I don't interact with the public much anymore. It's my secret, and I intend to keep it that way. I dress in woman's clothing everyday, but I don't femulate. I see that as futile. I crossdress in my own way and I don't worry about it too much. I see this whole business as a biochemical problem--I'm one of nature's side effects. some people are short, some are tall, some are whatever they are. I have accepted the limitations of my shell, the same as if I were born with an IQ of 160.
    best wishes in your hunt for answers
    JUST a crossdresser

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