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Thread: Ask a Transexual

  1. #251
    Senior Member Suzanne F's Avatar
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    No one here is going to push you out if you don't have SRS. I have friends all over the spectrum as far as genitals. It is your business. If you will always be curious then I would say have sex in that way with someone who understands that you are there just to experience sex. Some of TS people hate sex in the stereotypical way and some live it. I had a difficult time continuing to function in that way with my wife but I did it as ling as I could for her. That is the key I am in love with someone and it was about her.
    Suzanne

  2. #252
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    "Sort it out" in the sense of figuring out who and what you are, what you want, what you need, and separating the various factors that collide or complicate things.

    OF COURSE you can dig up all kinds of threads that appear to contradict others, or that appear to contradict members' own posts. Not all people are logical. Threads speak to a million emphases and subtleties. People develop and change. (A lot here, in fact.) Trans people in discovery and crisis can be simultaneously confused and need help ... all while being combative.

    You post as though you expect to find some universal truth regarding sex and trans people. There isn't one. (Repeat 3 times.)

    Re your "should I ..." questions: Since you appear to be in the mode of throwing objections and roadblocks, let me offer yet another piece of common advice in addition to the therapist advice you are already getting. To wit - go and do something (rather than talk about it) and see what happens. Adjust direction and thinking as indicated. If you are trans, you'll wind doing a lot of that ...
    Lea

  3. #253
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    Well... I guess this leads to my next question...

    What to do if I can't afford a therapist and will probably never have access to one?

  4. #254
    Aspiring Member Georgette_USA's Avatar
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    Kimberly
    I don't know your age or circumstances.

    As Miss Danielle has said :
    I know plenty of trans women who were virgins before they started transitioning. Some of us experience dysphoria if we are placed into the "male role" during sex.

    I am one of those people, was still a virgin at 26. Had NO interest in men before. I had thought of the should I have M to F sex before. But what is one supposed to do, find a prostitute. Not sure I could have done it anyway.

    As for the after SRS. I had sex with some men, and it was OK but never could develop a relationship. I had multiple F to F sex and that was what I dreamed of before SRS. I had a long term partner, also a MtF TS, for 38 years. She was not crazy about sex after 10 years or so. But relationships are not always just about sex.

  5. #255
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    Kimberly, try contacting your local Pride/LGBTQ Center, if you have one. Sometimes that can send you to appropriate resources.

    And please, if anyone says you need to do "X" to decide if you are trans and "X" is anything but a therapist guiding you through your thoughts so that you can decide, then run.

  6. #256
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    Pastoral counselors are often low or no-charge. Just ENSURE that you go to someone tolerant whose interest is counseling and not evangelism. Start with the Metropolitan Church and google "welcoming churches."
    Lea

  7. #257
    Aspiring Member Cristy2's Avatar
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    Not sure how to ask this without sounding totally loonie. My question is for the transsexuals who have stepped out in public. My question is, aside from obviously fear, what is the hardest part to stepping out and what gave you the strength and courage to overcome that obstacle?

  8. #258
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    Cristy, you may be asking this in the wrong forum. ALL of the women here who have transitioned step out in public, every single day. We are women, and we live our lives as women.

    If you're asking about crossdressers who go out in public (which is a minority, AFAICT), you would be better served in the CD forum.

    If you specifically want to know more about what life as a woman is like from our perspective, then feel free to ask.
    Coming out is like discovering that you've been drowning your whole life after actually breathing air for the first time.

  9. #259
    Senior Member Melissa Rose's Avatar
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    Christy, I am going to flip your question around. The easier part was stepping out. The harder part was not stepping out and, for various reasons, keeping everything suppressed for so long. Speaking very broadly, the need becomes so great that it drives you rather than strength and courage. You do it because you have to and not because you found enough strength and courage.

  10. #260
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    I am going to agree with Melissa (to no surprise). I am assuming you are talking about the first time we came out of our hiding and felt the sun. The first thing is, it didn't happen this way for all of us. For me, I didn't know I was going to transition, but I damn sure needed to get out and experience life in real terms instead of how I was doing it. For me, it really came down to the same reason I transitioned. I had to do it as I couldn't continue the way I was living.

  11. #261
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    Hi Christy,

    Expanding on Melissa's and Sue's response it really wasn't about courage but more self survival. Being military with several deployments, I have done things not because of courage or bravery but for the base instinct of self survival . . . I had to do it in order to continue. Going out for the first time (given hindsight now as back then I thought of myself as CD) there was nothing driving that but pure need to finally say . . . I am here, the way I was meant to be and to have not done that, it would have caused more harm than good.

    Cheers

    Marcelle

  12. #262
    What is normal anyway? Rianna Humble's Avatar
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    Hi Cristy, I'm wondering if your post meant something more than we are seeing.

    If you are asking about pre-transition transsexuals, you may not get many responses. For me before transition, the hardest thing was not being able to be totally honest, but what enabled me to overcome that was not strength or courage, it was sheer desperation.

    If you are asking about those who are in transition or have transitioned, then as others have said we have had to step out in public because this is who we are.
    Check out this link if you are wondering about joining Safe Haven.

    This above all: To thine own self be true, And it must follow, as the night the day, Thou canst not then be false to any

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  13. #263
    Aspiring Member Cristy2's Avatar
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    Thank you for your responses ladies. Like I said, I'm not sure how to word what I'm trying to ask and yes, it is very possible that I am asking in the wrong forum. However, most of the replies did bring up a point of view that I honestly never really took a deep look into and most definitely needs to be examined. Thank you again.

  14. #264
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    Quote Originally Posted by Cristy2 View Post
    Not sure how to ask this without sounding totally loonie. My question is for the transsexuals who have stepped out in public. My question is, aside from obviously fear, what is the hardest part to stepping out and what gave you the strength and courage to overcome that obstacle?
    Cristy, I am probably closer to where you are than most of the members replying to this thread right now. Most of these members are living their lives full time as women. I am just starting my transition. Meeting with doctors, started seeing a transgender therapist, getting consultations. I think I know what you are asking. What tipped the scales to make someone move forward?

    The real answer and short answer is = I had to. At some point you just know. You feel it in your soul. This is what I have to do. The only courageous part if there is one is your own fear of other people's opinions. I still feel it too. But I truly don't feel I have a choice. Well I guess I do. I could live the rest of my years sad, phony and unfulfilled.

    Bottom line IMHO is you just know. And this is one of the few things that I currently have experience to give answers on. :-)
    Last edited by KymberlyOct; 06-28-2016 at 01:31 AM.

  15. #265
    Member Mirya's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Cristy2 View Post
    Not sure how to ask this without sounding totally loonie. My question is for the transsexuals who have stepped out in public. My question is, aside from obviously fear, what is the hardest part to stepping out and what gave you the strength and courage to overcome that obstacle?
    As a transsexual who only started transitioning recently, and who used to [incorrectly] identify as a cross-dresser, let me give you my perspective. I actually have a lot of cross-dresser friends, so I think I understand your question. Thing is, the essence of your question is confusing to many of us transsexuals because it is worded from a seemingly cross-dresser's point of view. You wrote, "aside from obviously fear"... as if fear is a major factor. Yes, fear is a major factor for cross-dressers before they go out, but for transsexuals it's not about fear. As others have already said, we do it because we have to, not because we finally mustered the courage to overcome our fear.

  16. #266
    Silver Member I Am Paula's Avatar
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    The first time I ever put on women's clothes, years before realizing I needed to transition, I finished dressing, and said -Now what?
    So I went out. Stayed out for the rest of my life. Besides, I was out of milk, and bread.
    There was no process to it. I was fabulous, knew it, and needed to be out.

  17. #267
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    Paula, Besides I was out of milk and bread. Hilarious !!!

  18. #268
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    Fear was really the only obstacle I had to over come. My first time out dressed in female clothing I was scared to death. Went to a support group for the first time, out of town. After the meeting all went out to dinner in public and it blew me away how comfortable and secure those women were in who they were. I was a nervous wreck that night though. Soon after I started going out locally which was difficult because everyone knew me just had to deal with the stares and laughs for a while, but that did not last too long.

    After that it was a lot easier. Something I had to do and get used to, and you find out it is not a big deal really.

  19. #269
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    Other than TG friendly clubs which in this scenario don't count, I never went out.
    I knew I had to transition, I had reached that point and as Arbon said I was scared silly but I wasn't doing it for fun I had to face down the fear and make it part of my life.

    Fake it till you make it.
    Look confident and like you belong then one day you are and you do. Nothing is more obvious than someone awkward and looking out of place (other than dressing differently to the norm!).

  20. #270
    GROUP 3 :-D tgirlamc's Avatar
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    Hi Cristy!!!!

    Before I went out in public the first time, I always pictured it going down something like the end of a Frankenstein movie with lots of rotten fruit and vegetables being thrown at me and villagers chasing me with torches and pitchforks.... My first time out was much less dramatic... I went to an LGBT bar and no angry villagers appeared... My decision to transition was made very early in the process and I knew I couldn't live a real life in the bubble of a safe zone so I just jumped in the deep end of the pool and started going everywhere life took me...The bank, the store, the veterinarians office etc... All the mundane stuff of life!!! To this day, years later, I have not had a bad reaction or unkind word from anyone.

    I have people tell me that taking on the things that we do, going through the surgeries etc is brave but I don't feel that I am... I am only doing what I have to do to live MY life.

    Take Care
    Ashley
    Last edited by tgirlamc; 06-28-2016 at 01:53 PM.

  21. #271
    Aspiring Member MissDanielle's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by becky77 View Post
    Other than TG friendly clubs which in this scenario don't count, I never went out.
    I knew I had to transition, I had reached that point and as Arbon said I was scared silly but I wasn't doing it for fun I had to face down the fear and make it part of my life.

    Fake it till you make it.
    Look confident and like you belong then one day you are and you do. Nothing is more obvious than someone awkward and looking out of place (other than dressing differently to the norm!).
    I didn't go out either...and was living part time in my apartment. With the amount of facial hair and regrowth, passing in public was never gonna happen without a lot of laser.
    I'm a nice Jewish girl.

    I'm not a girl, Not yet a woman.

  22. #272
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    Most people stepping out for the first time I have to deal with fear ... But the reasons they are fearful differ. One of my coping mechanisms in dealing with hiding who I am has been withdrawal. Although this has eased with time and HRT, I'm still introverted and tend to be socially averse. I intensely disliked being the center of intention when I have been the least bit uncomfortable, and that has included 100% of situations with strangers present. So my fear of being outed or ridiculed during those first times out was off the charts. And what happened? Nothing. People glanced at me, mostly unconsciously. They opened doors for me and smiled at me. They were nice. I'm not especially passable, either.

    The way I look at it is this: The vast majority of people won't notice you at all. Only some of those who do will think there is something different about you. A few of those will see a trans person and think nothing of it. And a very few will have some sort of issue with trans people. But even most of THOSE won't say or do anything. To be completely candid, I get far more confused or dirty looks in drab these days, presumably because I look somewhat androgynous or effeminate. No facial hair at all anymore. No hiding breast development, the softening of my features, or my general body shape, which has feminized in some ways. I'm seldom gendered female – my hairline alone prevents that - but I'm actually more uncomfortable presenting male nonetheless.
    Lea

  23. #273
    Aspiring Member Cristy2's Avatar
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    Once again, thank you to each and every one of you for your replies. You all have been in your own way very helpful and some of you brought up angles that I have never even considered, much less looked at.

  24. #274
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    Random question

    Random thought I wanted to pose to others here. Despite how much several of us want to be female as much as possible within physical and financial restraints, does any one feel uncomfortable being around GGs?

    I absolutely hate it. I go out of my way to avoid contact with GGs. Barely got through school and work because of it.

    What about you all? (Even though I know what most people's answer will be...)
    Last edited by GBJoker; 10-07-2016 at 08:57 PM. Reason: Spelling, etc

  25. #275
    Silver Member I Am Paula's Avatar
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    Since transition, all my friends are genetic women. Hardly a day goes by that I don't have a coffee or lunch with a bunch of them.
    I have trouble relating to men, I don't dislike them, but don't have a lot to say to them.

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