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Thread: Ask a Transexual

  1. #151
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    Quote Originally Posted by WhisperTV View Post

    Which brings me to my question for you ladies. Are you having fun?
    Fun the way dressing is for crossdressers? No, its not like that. But I can have fun, life can be exciting, or sometimes boring, or I can be sad, and everything else in life. You get to a point where your just living life.

    But I do feel a lot better about myself as a person and thats the main thing.

  2. #152
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    What I am looking for on "the other side" as far as fun is that I have all the distractions removed. Without things like the act of transition or the things going on in my mind, then life is freed up for good old, everyday fun.

  3. #153
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    Fun in what context? I have fun, mainly involves being with friends. Sometimes im prone to being a bit deep and serious, but then life hasn't exactly been easy. From a very young age I was struggling with complex emotions, when the other children were just carefree.
    My fun is rather normal, a joke shared, a silly game, party, theatre.
    Wearing women's clothes isn't fun, its just wearing clothes that I feel better suited to.

  4. #154
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    Hmmm. Fun. OK, while many parts of transition just aren't much fun at all, I have to admit one thing - my sex life is substantially better than it ever was when I was a man. (That's a rather low bar to jump, however...) I also enjoy time with people more than I used to - just simple stuff like talking with and getting to know someone is great fun for me. I love people! Er, well, some of them, anyway!

    I guess a lot of everyday things are a lot more fun - mostly because I can just relax and enjoy them, rather than worrying about what people might think.

  5. #155
    Junior Member FemPossible's Avatar
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    I have a question.

    For those who take HRT, has your personality or interests changed since taking it? If so, how?

  6. #156
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    A good question. My emotions have changed drastically, my compassion, social skills, who I hang with, and what we do/talk about have all changed. Luckily for the better, and to better reflect my true sex. I can't say whether my true personality has changed, or if just dropping the act that was my old made up personality, has brought mine to the surface. The pretense of being a man altered my perceived personality. Most of my friends say they prefer my 'new' personality.

    I don't think my interests have changed, but none of them was what you might consider 'manly'. I was never a sports guy, either playing, or spectating. I didn't ride a dirt bike, or shoot at anything. I have, however, lost all interest in hanging out with the guys. Now I find their behavior sophomoric, and well...boorish. For example, why can't I go out with the guys without one of them mentioning my boobs?
    I hate to answer a question with a question.
    Did we change, or just drop the facade to let our true personalities, and interests out?

  7. #157
    Silver Member Angela Campbell's Avatar
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    Many things have changed. Not any interest has, but mood, and many behaviors have. Looking like my orientation is changing as well.
    All I ever wanted was to be a girl. Is that really asking too much?

  8. #158
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    Quote Originally Posted by FemPossible View Post
    I have a question.

    For those who take HRT, has your personality or interests changed since taking it? If so, how?
    For me, my personality pretty much remained the same. The only difference is, I'm not suppressing the way I've always felt. Obviously as time goes on my interest seem to change, but then again I had a short attention span to begin with. I think changes of interest occurs in everyone, weather they are Transsexual or not.
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  9. #159
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    Alot of my interests have remained the same, I'm just enjoying them more now.
    I like being out more now, find myself more social like visiting the family a lot more.
    I would find myself looking for reasons to stay in previoulsy, now I want to be out and about and enjoy life.

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    What kind of language do you usually employ when you're speaking about events that preceded your transition?

    For example, would you say "when I was a girl" or "when I was a boy" when telling a childhood story? Or just something neutral like "when I was 8"?

  11. #161
    Member Kimberly Kael's Avatar
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    I do certainly use "when I was a girl." I never use "when I was a boy" but something more along the lines of "when my parents thought I was a boy" if my presumed gender is relevant to the story. There's nothing wrong with "when I was young" or a dozen other variations, either. Of course others may have different approaches.
    ~ Kimberly

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  12. #162
    What is normal anyway? Rianna Humble's Avatar
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    When it is relevant, I tend to say something like "when they thought I was Robert" or "when I was being Robert" to relate to my adult past and "when I was little" to relate to that period.
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  13. #163
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    I usually will try to avoid gender specific wording when I talk about my past.

    Sometimes it gets a little weird when someone like my mom, wife, daughter or brother talks about me in the past to other people. Like for example my mom having a bunch of friends over and talking about how her son was this or did this or that - and I'll be just sitting there and people get this confused look on their faces.

    It does not bother me to much really - their talking about their past, their memories of me.

  14. #164
    If only you could see me sarahcsc's Avatar
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    Hi all,

    I understand this is a thread for posting questions for all the TGs/TS here. I have a couple questions:

    1. What is the difference between a transgender and a transexual?
    2. After reading 7 pages of comments and opinions (I have to admit that I was skimming sometimes), I understand that even TG/TS have very different opinions about what it means to be TG/TS. Some are afraid to come out due to fear of various consequences but others are bolder in terms of facing the hardships entailed. If you haven't transitioned but always wanted to, what do you think would ultimately change your mind? And if you've transitioned, what was the last straw that meant that you could no longer live with your previously assigned gender?
    3. Do you identify more as a "woman", or a TG/TS, or does it not matter to you?
    4. What do you think was the most helpful AND unhelpful thing you did in facilitating your transition?
    5. I believe being as different as we are can be ultimately a very rewarding and enriching experience in our lives although some would beg to differ. I get this impression that a lot of what we do rests on our level of acceptance. Do you think that acceptance comes with time? And do you think its possible to become less accepting with time?


    Sorry, there are a lot of questions here but I would love to read every word everybody has to offer. I look forward to this.

    Love,
    Sarah
    Last edited by Rianna Humble; 08-14-2014 at 05:44 PM. Reason: There are FtM as well as MtF trans members here
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  15. #165
    Member Kimberly Kael's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by sarahcsc View Post
    I understand this is a thread for posting questions for all the TGs/TS here.
    You might want to check the first post again. It's pretty explicit that only those who identify as transsexual are to respond to questions. That may restrict some of the answers you get (and if it doesn't it may lead to posts being deleted or moved elsewhere.)

    What is the difference between a transgender and a transexual?
    You'll get a lot of different answers from different individuals. Transgender is sometimes used as a specific identity to put more emphasis on gender and less on sex (it's generally how I introduce myself when it's relevant at all), but it can also be an umbrella term covering a wide range of alternative forms of gender expression (which is what it means in the context of the LGBT acronym.) Transsexual is a term most use to describe someone who makes permanent changes to conform to their gender identity, typically to live full-time in the gender opposite what they were assigned at birth.

    what was the last straw that meant that you could no longer live with your previously assigned gender?
    For me, having had the experience of being accepted during a one-week trial run was enough to make it impossible for me not to transition. I had always assumed I couldn't live an authentic life, and that was the one thing holding me back.

    Do you identify more as a "woman", or a TG/TS, or does it not matter to you?
    I identify strongly as a woman, and it matters a great deal to me. I also identify as TG and TS, but they're only relevant in limited contexts.

    What do you think was the most helpful AND unhelpful thing you did in facilitating your transition?
    Helpful: that one week living as a woman, taking my time especially with my wife, getting laser hair removal early on, and having lived a fairly in-masculine life prior to transition.

    Unhelpful: it's harder to second-guess what I could have done differently. I don't believe in regrets.

    I believe being as different as we are can be ultimately a very rewarding and enriching experience in our lives although some would beg to differ. I get this impression that a lot of what we do rests on our level of acceptance. Do you think that acceptance comes with time? And do you think its possible to become less accepting with time?
    Self-acceptance? Or acceptance by others? Anyone can change, but not everyone does. You have to be open to it to give change a chance.
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  16. #166
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    There is a lot of history with the term "transgender." Although there is some quibbling about this, Virginia Prince, who was an intense cross-dresser, coined the term distinguish to people living in cross gender roles that did not identify with the opposite sex. It excluded transsexuals and the organization she started pointedly excluded transsexuals for many years. The term was subsequently redefined to include anyone exhibiting any kind of gender variant behavior or identity from their assigned sex.

    The latter usage is the "umbrella" term often referenced. The term is still widely used this way. "Transgender" is often used within the community to denote someone who has some cross gender identity but is not necessarily transsexual. There are some transsexuals who prefer the term too, though. You really have to read for context and individual expression to nail down someone's intended meaning. I believe there is a sharp and definitive difference between someone is identity is in the binary versus someone who has some cross gender identification.

    The difference bears on the answers to some of your other questions. Someone whose identity is binary cannot resolve that issue without transitioning. As a result, identity is the most important point, and frequently the only one that matters. Gender in a person whose identity is mixed across genders is only one of many possible considerations for transition. Sometimes the most important factor and sometimes way down on the list.

    Identity drove my decision. The full realization of who and what I am made the source of my dysfunction and accumulating crises starkly obvious. Left unaddressed, there was a good chance that I was not going to make it. Frankly, most of the time I didn't want to make it and sometimes still don't (Robin Williams weighs on my mind).

    My identity is female. I rarely use "woman," as I consider that a developmental term. The difference seems important to me. Some don't see a difference or think it splitting hairs. I'm transsexual, but that's a health status and a point of view, not an identity. Some would argue for transsexual as an identity, but I believe that is a good way to shortchange yourself.

    The most helpful thing was finding a competent therapist, followed by connecting with others like me in real life.

    The rewards of being different are there, I suppose. I've written about them. Being trans, though, puts you into a position of conflict with the most fundamental human expectation and instincts. Self acceptance only addresses one side of things. Better to be cissexual.
    Last edited by LeaP; 08-14-2014 at 10:07 AM. Reason: Clarity
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  17. #167
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    1.) For me, transgender is a an umbrella term that refers to any person who is born and identified as one particular gender and during the course of their life believes themselves to be or begins to dress or present themselves as the opposite gender. Both biological males and females can be transgender and are identified as MtF (male to female) or FtM (female to male). Now within the transgender category there are several sub-categories – crossdresser, drag queen, and transsexual among several others.

    A transsexual is someone who truly wants/needs to live and dress as the opposite sex full time. This can include changing their name to reflect a more gender appropriate name. Many transsexuals also wish to change their body to look more female by taking hormones and having surgeries to look more female. The main point is that transsexuals “usually” have an internal struggle with their gender identity that can only be resolved by becoming their true gender and living their life in that gender.

    Not all transsexuals have surgery and not all transsexuals are able to proceed with transition from one gender to another. However the key aspect of trans-sexuality is the internal struggle with gender identity: the gender that you were assigned at birth v.s. the gender you feel you identify with.

    2.) This is a hard one for me. I don’t believe there was a “last straw”. From the time I could first remember, I always knew I was different. I didn’t know what it was called but I knew I needed to be a girl. I was born and raised at a time when it was really socially unacceptable. A man could be arrested for walking down the street wearing a dress and many were. They were thought of as mentally unbalanced, wackos, crazy as hell, a clear and present danger to everyone in existence.

    My parents could not help me. To try to get help meant turning me over to the authorities. I would be placed in an asylum where “testing would be done to find the problem and cure me. This was nothing short of torture for hundreds maybe even thousands of young boys.

    I had to wait until I could get out on my own. By then many of the laws were starting to be thrown out. While still socially unacceptable, at least there was a growing tolerance that would take too many more years to get to where it’s not the worst thing in the world.

    3.) I identify as a woman but it really doesn’t matter. Like it or not, I am me, deal with it!

    4.) The most helpful thing was finally just going ahead and doing it. I had to make up my mind that this was what I really wanted and needed. That came with the understanding that it did not matter if I lost everything near and dear to me. This had to be done and I would worry about everything I lost later on.

    The most unhelpful thing was the constant indecision. I’ll bet I changed my mind at least 2000 times a day. Learning to let go and let be was a hard lesson for me but one well learned.

    5.) I believe the initial acceptance to allow yourself to move forward is determined by your need. If you really need to transition, you are going to do it, period. Learning to live with that decision take a bit more time and you will have moments of clarity where you can see the big picture and you will have moments of blindness where you can see anything at all. You have to believe in yourself and rest upon all the struggles and hardships you have endured to this point to get you through.

  18. #168
    Silver Member Angela Campbell's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by sarahcsc View Post
    And if you've transitioned, what was the last straw that meant that you could no longer live with your previously assigned gender?
    [*]Do you identify more as a "woman", or a TG/TS, or does it not matter to you?
    [*]What do you think was the most helpful AND unhelpful thing you did in facilitating your transition?
    I'm not going to answer all of these because for instance number 1 has already been covered pretty well, and the last one I have no answer for, but for the rest here goes.

    The last straw that meant I could no longer live as a male? There was no "last straw" it was an ongoing process of getting over the fear and just moving forward. Yes I did have an "event" which I think started this but it was by no means the last straw and it was far before the decision to completely transition. In truth I wanted this since I was a child, it just took deciding I actually could.


    Yes I Identify as a woman. I do not like being referred to as transgender at all and not real comfortable with transsexual either but here I am.

    The most helpful thing I did was to meet others like myself and learn from them. The people I met both in real life and here allowed me to learn so much. Without this it would have been so much more difficult.
    The most unhelpful thing was waiting until I was in my 50's to start.
    Last edited by Angela Campbell; 08-14-2014 at 01:53 PM.
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  19. #169
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    Of course we are all different, but you will hopefully understand that transsexuals (most of us identify as women) may bristle at the idea of TG/TS as an identity....
    I can see how a transsexual could not transition for many reasons, and there should be no issue for her to say I'm transsexual but haven't transitioned. A TG person is a wholly different thing and being TG implies that from an identity standpoint, some part of you identifies as male...sometimes I wish I could have identified at least partly as male...I wish I could have dressed at home or spent weekend out of drab....

    that leads to the big question I noticed...what was the final straw. the final straw came in waves for me but I recall a moment where I read a specific article about transsexuals and the various stages we go through at different ages if we don't transition ...it blew me away...it was like reading my life story... I read it over and over...and I was desperate to find a glitch or something that rang UNTRUE so I could put the article away and move on, but I couldn't... I literally fell out of my chair and sobbed.... it all just poured out of me in the moment... Reading that article made the inner feelings that I kept so quiet and secret explode into my head... it was already happening of course but this closed the deal... one statement in the article said something about how some ts people reach their 50's and 60's (I was 47) and they are so entrenched that there is often nothing to do but manage their sadness!!!!!!!! ARgghhhh!!!!! I pictured myself on my deathbed and regretting that I had ever lived and that was that...

    the good news is that 60 is the new 40 so I feel I have a lot of time to enjoy and lots of older ts people are transitioning later and later..

  20. #170
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    Quote Originally Posted by sarahcsc View Post
    And if you've transitioned, what was the last straw that meant that you could no longer live with your previously assigned gender?
    When I realized that normal people don't spend months planning their own suicide that will appear as an accidental death, and that the feelings of misery, depression and anxiety were only eased when I was cross dressed. I also realized that the first time I saw myself in the mirror in a wig and breast forms, that the image looking at me in the mirror was really me, and the one who looked back at me on a daily basis wasn't. And I guess the final straw was when simply presenting as a man made me miserable beyond words - depressed, withdrawn. Oh yeah - and when I actually attempted suicide in a fit of despair.

    I'd already realized that I was, and always had been, a woman. But I knew that I'd reached a point of "transition or die."

    Quote Originally Posted by sarahcsc View Post
    Do you identify more as a "woman", or a TG/TS, or does it not matter to you?
    I identify as a woman. I'll describe myself to people as "trans" or "transgender woman" or "trans woman" because I think visibility helps us in the long run. (Even though at times it sort of sucks for me personally.) Still, I'm sick of hiding things - so I just don't, and damn the consequences.

    Quote Originally Posted by sarahcsc View Post
    What do you think was the most helpful AND unhelpful thing you did in facilitating your transition?
    The most helpful things I did were:
    1. coming out to myself - without that, I'd have died
    2. coming out to others, including my wife, awful as that was. It gave me freedom to explore who I was.
    3. start HRT - this literally saved my life. I went from depressed, suicidal, anxious, panic attack stricken to feeling pretty normal rather rapidly. The anti-depressants and other meds I took did NOTHING in comparison.
    4. move to an LGBT friendly area in Dallas
    5. getting all the support I could - support groups, therapy, AA

    The most unhelpful things I did were:
    • Not transitioning when I was 20
    • Living a lie for so very long
    • Trying to make things work for four months with my wife, at the end. It was hopeless.



    Quote Originally Posted by sarahcsc View Post
    Do you think that acceptance comes with time? And do you think its possible to become less accepting with time?
    Acceptance with people from your past can be immediate, but it tends to come over time. Unfortunately, sometimes it goes the other way as well, and people from your past will initially support you, only to withdraw as they realize they don't know you any longer. I've seen both.

    Acceptance in public tends to relate to how well you pass.

    The real key, in my opinion, is simply to not care what other people think. Their views about us are more about them, and less about us most all of the time. This is hard, and you can really only do it well, I think, if you have others who are supportive of you and your transition. Often these will be friends you make who'd you'd never have known if you weren't trans.

    Of course the most important person who must accept you is - YOU. This tends to improve over time as you transition, particularly if you are able to align your body with your mind. But I've found that I'm not really the person I thought I was, or would be. I'm something else - and it's taken me a while to be comfortable with who I really am - at least as far as I now know.

  21. #171
    What is normal anyway? Rianna Humble's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by sarahcsc View Post
    Hi all,

    I understand this is a thread for posting questions for all the TGs/TS here. I have a couple questions:
    I'm sorry, you understand wrongly. This thread is entitled "Ask a Transsexual" not "Ask a Transgender member"

    Quote Originally Posted by sarahcsc View Post
    1. What is the difference between a transgender and a transexual?
    Transgender is an adjective, so must be qualified with a noun. A Transgender person is someone whose gender expression is not always the same as the sex that they were assigned at birth. In this sense, it becomes an umbrella term for everything from occasional cross-dressing to transsexuality.

    A transsexual person is one whose gender identity is opposite to the sex that they were assigned at birth.

    Quote Originally Posted by sarahcsc View Post
    2. After reading 7 pages of comments and opinions (I have to admit that I was skimming sometimes), I understand that even TG/TS have very different opinions about what it means to be TG/TS. Some are afraid to come out due to fear of various consequences but others are bolder in terms of facing the hardships entailed. If you haven't transitioned but always wanted to, what do you think would ultimately change your mind? And if you've transitioned, what was the last straw that meant that you could no longer live with your previously assigned gender?
    For near enough half a century, I could have been loosely placed in your "always wanted to" category, except that I was fighting my own identity and struggling hard not to admit that I am a woman.

    For me, the last straw was when I became physically repulsed at the very idea of continuing to present as a man. Some members here cannot understand that Gender Dysphoria can occasionally be so acute as to cause a physical reaction (in my case throwing up every time that I had to dress as a male). The mental health professional who screened me for other conditions that might need to be treated in addition to the Gender Dysphoria was able to explain to me why that physical reaction was stronger in some cases than others.
    Quote Originally Posted by sarahcsc View Post
    3. Do you identify more as a "woman", or a TG/TS, or does it not matter to you?
    I am a woman. When serving on the Regional LGBT Equalities committee of my union, I serve as a transsexual member.

    Quote Originally Posted by sarahcsc View Post
    4. What do you think was the most helpful AND unhelpful thing you did in facilitating your transition?
    The most helpful thing I did to facilitate my transition was to seek professional help.

    I cannot currently think of anything unhelpful that I did to facilitate my transition. However, an unsuccessful element of my transition was the attempt to make a clean break by changing my last name as well as my first. A brief Google search will explain how that failed.

    Quote Originally Posted by sarahcsc View Post
    5. I believe being as different as we are can be ultimately a very rewarding and enriching experience in our lives although some would beg to differ. I get this impression that a lot of what we do rests on our level of acceptance. Do you think that acceptance comes with time? And do you think its possible to become less accepting with time?
    I do not find many rewards in being transsexual, but I do accept that the freedom to be the real me has had a positive effect on how I relate to others (in the words of one very dear friend "you are a much nicer person to know than Robert").

    In the sense that we have to accept who we are before we can take steps to make that a reality, then yes what we do relies on our level of acceptance. If you mean that what we do relies on acceptance of us by others, then in my not so humble opinion you are sorely wrong.

    Does acceptance change over time? Almost certainly, bot self-acceptance and acceptance by others.
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  22. #172
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    I have an odd question or two.

    I am certainly a confirmed CD'er, but have always ALWAYS ALSO felt like I was a girl mind/soul/inside. My actions, my thoughts, my self-awareness has always (since birth) been girl in every way.
    For the most part, it has not manifested itself other than internal thoughts and some darn odd questions about the way of the world for the most part of my life -- or so I thought.
    My SO of less than 10 years - has always said I am very girly in every way. Mannerisms, nurturing, the way I hold my body, insight into others emotions and everything else she can think of, Bitch fits, etc.

    In my late 30's I got into CD and found for the first time that I felt "closer to right" than I ever had before in my life.
    It has progressed over the years and I have quite a collection of items, but I have never EVER thought of going out since I have a horrible self image.
    I have heavy brow ridges and a pronounced nose and really don't look (from the neck up) like a girl that I feel inside.
    Irony is that the rest of my body is fairly passable as I have lost about 160 pounds about 5 years ago and am only 5'8" and about 175.

    Can I live with it this way? Well, I don't see any other choice (for me) that I have due to a special needs adult child who needs an Insulin pump.
    I also have no desire to cause my blended family living in a small town the grief that would be associated with this here or lose my job.

    My question for the group is - long term, have there been significant documented people who are CD'ers who are really TS who don't:
    1--come out - and CD 24/7
    2--go into "transition" mode? (may be the same)

    BTW, I'm not worried about plumbing changes, they are an aside and don't apply to my question as I wouldn't consider that aspect for me.

    I would consider permanent removal of body hair as shaving is wearing me out 7 years later and I'd like some slightly larger breasts (natural).

    I also mean no disrespect to any TS here - at all - it's just "not for me" and "not possible in my lifetime". It's an interesting concept. Surely a "hard road".

    I know everyone is different, but want to hear what folks might say. Thanks in advance.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Wendy O View Post
    My question for the group is - long term, have there been significant documented people who are CD'ers who are really TS who don't:
    1--come out - and CD 24/7
    2--go into "transition" mode? (may be the same)
    I'm unclear what you mean in #1 - if someone is CD 24/7 how would they not be out?

    I am sure there are mtf transsexuals that resign themselves to living as men for various reasons, but doubt there is any sort of documented study of them or their numbers.

  24. #174
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    First, thanks Arbon for the reply

    I guess I'm trying to establish if it's possible to feel the way I do so strongly and with every fiber of my being...and not dress outside the house...never transition...and have/need to be OK with not taking it further....yet still totally consider myself a member of this smaller TS subset of the CD'ing population. Is that even possible?

    I'm able to appreciate the needs of everyone on the spectrum and really am in awe of you gals.
    I don't see any of this as a curse. I see it as a blessing.

    In fact, I have seen much more meaningful and intelligent conversations in this area.

  25. #175
    What is normal anyway? Rianna Humble's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2009
    Location
    At home in my own skin
    Posts
    8,586
    Hi Wendy, there are definitely examples of transsexuals who manage to get by without transition for a period. There are also examples from among our membership for whom transition appears to be an impossibility.

    Unfortunately, it is my experience that Gender Dysphoria left untreated will get progressively worse.

    You will often see people in the TS forums urging people not to transition unless it is absolutely necessary, but if it does become necessary not to let anything stand in the way. Sadly not everyone is able to follow the second part.
    Check out this link if you are wondering about joining Safe Haven.

    This above all: To thine own self be true, And it must follow, as the night the day, Thou canst not then be false to any

    Galileo said "You cannot teach a man anything" and they accuse ME of being sexist

    Never ascribe to malice that which can be easily explained by sheer stupidity

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