First of all. Thank you for reading my story. I will try to keep it short.
Happy on the outside... Miserable on the inside. Currently I am in a great deal of pain because I am having a very hard time dealing with my gender. There are a lot of masculine traits I don't feel are compatible with who I am. And the older I get the more obscure and alien masculinity seems to me.
I remember when I was 12 years old I prayed to God to wake up as a woman. After that I have been daydreaming about beeing a woman almost daily. It happens the most frequently when I am depressed and least when I am happy. I think I had it worst when I was living with a girlfriend in an unhealthy relationship and stressed out at work at the same time.
I don't feel gender dysphoric when I feel in love, desired, valued, empathic or having an awesome time.
After my unhealthy relationship I decided to investigate the gender dysphoria closer. I started dating a girl who enjoyed dressing me up and we went to costume parties together. After having been to costume parties in drag I felt euphoric for a few days, followed by feeling depressed and empty. So I decided to see a gender therapist. It helped in the begining, but the effect stopped. Lately I have become more androgynous, yet it has not provided me with happiness.
So where does all of this lead me? I feel like I have a lot of feminine energy that is left unexpresed, when I hear people talking about how men are supposed to be I feel like I don't want to be a guy. I know I can be obsessive about the things I don't like in life. Maybe I am a lesbian woman in a man's body or maybe I am just a person who is currently pessimistic. If I was a beautiful woman I would find something else to complain about. I don't know.
I can get feminization facial surgery and start taking hormones.
I can keep on developing androgony and focus on the things I am grateful for in my life. Like my friends, hobbies, music, parties, coffee... Get myself back in a good and upbeat mood. Find queer clubs and a girlfriend who likes my feminine traits.
I can embrace masculinity and try and fake it till I make it.
What do you think I should do?
Attachment 196548
This is me as male
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And androgynous
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And crossdressing
Thank you.