First public outing dressed, immediate hassles at club. :(

[Solar Flair]

Hi all, this is my first post here! I am glad to post this experience I had last night, because it was just not right in my opinion and wanted to get all of yours too.

So, my wife finally talked me into dressing completely up, bought me a wonderful blonde wig, bought me my own expensive makeup set and she even did my makeup for me, telling me the do's and don'ts of doing my own girly hair & makeup every step of the way. The whole time we were getting ready I refused to look into the mirror, I just kept thinking to myself that this is really happening NOW, and soon Ill look into the mirror and be amazed at what I see. And I was. I nearly cried when I saw myself done up, I was beautiful thanks to her.

Ok, so we head to this club near us because we only had an hour and a half babysitting time. The club was called the 7440 Club on Auburn blvd in Citrus Heights Ca. When we got there, I was so nervous at first seeing that the parking lots were all full and we knew there was a ton of people inside and on the patio area, but my wife kept assuring me I looked great and we were going to have a good time. When we go to the main entrance and getting my ID and money out of my bra (yes, that really is the best place to carry all of your stuff including your cell phone) I nervously presented my ID with my full face and beard on it, and I was standing there in a black dress and high heels. They took my money and let me and my wife in. First, Ill tell you that this bar is not a gay or lifestyle bar, but a regular bar with older crowd usually, tonight however it was a very young croud with homies, gangsters, jocks, lots of young punks and was just a young type stuck up crowd. Immediately after entering and starting to make our way to the safe patio area, we both had to walk through the packed main bar area and right away I hear comments from people like 'OMG look, that's a guy in a dress!' or 'is that really a dude?'. those kinds of comments don't hurt me, but really affected my wife. I ushered her to the patio area and we got a drink from the bar and stood off to the corner. within 2 minutes of entering, I noticed the bouncer making their way through the crowd over to me, and I cant help but look around and see all these eyes staring at me until I make eye contact and they quickly look away. I digress; The bouncer makes it over to me and over the loud music comes in very close and says 'We got a problem'. He said, 'Its more of a technical problem for you, see you cannot use any of the bathrooms here so don't try to go into the ladies room ok? If you need to go to the bathroom, you will have to leave and go somewhere else.' I really couldn't believe what I was hearing at that moment and was trying to process it. I looke around again and saw even more eyes on me since the bouncer bee lined it to me and now talking to me in a defensive like posture. I politely asked him what he was referring to, and he said 'you are a man in a dress and wig, so I needed to tell you this so there aren't any problems'. I was a little embarrassed (ok, a lot), and I thought how can I turn the power dynamic in this awkward conversation around. I quipped that ' He cannot be serious, I am a hermaphrodite with both parts, and my vagina is the most developed part in case he was wondering, and I sit down to pee. In women's restrooms. If you need me to pull down my skirt in the middle of the bar so you can see my [anatomy], I will be happy to prove it to you sir.' At this point the song had broken and I was speaking really loud 3 inches from his face (in a mans voice, mind you). For some reason, this made a difference. He said that in that case, I could use the women's restroom with all of the other ladies, and he apologized for the misunderstanding. He then just turned and walked away. My poor wife then looked at me and said she didn't want to stay here, and that she thought the crowd was not the right kind of crowd to accept my being dressed up. She wanted to leave. I told her no, we are not running away from anything. She said ok, she didn't want me to get hurt from some overzealous person who wanted to start problems with us. I then took off my heels and headed for the dance floor.(dang those things hurt!) We danced for 5 songs or so, and the bouncer walked by and saw my hand had a little blood on it from a scrape I got. He was a totally different guy, bringing me by the hand off the dance floor, taking my hand into his, and wiping my scrape gently with a antiseptic wipe, and then applying a bandaid to my scrape. It was such a weird feeling to have a guy to that to me, and I thought man, this is what most guys do for women all day long. So, I got a Band-Aid and we were just about to leave when a couple women came up to me and wanted to high five us and say hi. They saw the bouncer be rude to be earlier about me being just a man in a dress and couldn't use the toilets to us staying on the dance floor like we didn't care who was watching and then seeing the bouncer come back and fix up my wound. She said that it was inspiring that we didn't run out the door cause it was a pretty rough crowd who didn't seem to understand cross dressing, and thus there was a high potential for a dangerous situation. I said thanks, and that it was my night and I don't care what anyone thinks about me. If they don't like the way I dress or look, that is their problem, not mine. Before we left 20 minutes later, I had a few others come up and say how brave I was and good looking in my outfit! I actually had some guy come up to me and my wife and buy us drinks too. That was so weird, awesome but weird! We couldn't stop talking about the night all the way home.

So, it was good, bad, then good again. I was really surprised how many people still have the mindset that we are all freaks. Really, I was upset initially about the discrimination from the bouncer where he told me I couldn't use any bathroom on the premises and made us feel awkward. At any rate, When situations like these arise, we give in if we run away. I was always taught that you face these kinds of situations head on, chin high and everything will be ok. And it was.

In hind sight, maybe the gay bar would have been the best first place to go, but I wanted to go where I wanted to go, and I really shouldn't have to worry about if I go here or there. Just know this, if anything like this happens again, some one is getting a primal beat down by a guy wearing a blonde wig and a dress.

[Dawn cd]

Interesting story. I guess I believe it. I mean, I guess I do.

[aussie cd]

well done solar, new to this site also......
reagrds your night out.....i say you should be able to go wherever you want to go, you arent hurting anyone
i've been out a few times and people dont care , i got read when i was LEAVING a casino by some women whos eyes nearly left her head LOL i was dressed conservately, jeans 4 inch wedges that looked about 3 inches and a nice blouse with some homemade cleavage ;-) altho i think my wig was a little OTT, walked around and played slots with the wife no problems....i say just relax and be yourself

and well done on leaving on YOUR terms...cudos to you sister

[AllieSF]

Thanks for the story of your night out. One thing here in California, it is legal to use the restroom for the gender that you are presenting. The bouncer was wrong. Nice to see the bouncer doing his job, even erroneously and then making obvious amends.

[Solar Flair]

That's good to know, the laws surrounding CD'ing. I'm sure there are other useful bits of information on the laws which we may need to know to enoower us in situations like these and other awkward times where people trained with past ideologies and mind sets try pulling a power trip on us. I'd certainly like to have some legal ammo rather than getting worked up where I want to fight. Is there a section or repository on this website for "Legal empowerment' snippets for the members? If not, I would love to have you or someone else post aggregate a page for just this sort of thing. Thoughts?

[Andy66]

Welcome, Solar Flair. Too bad you had problems at the club. Hopefully next time you can go somewhere a little more friendy.

[Eryn]

Well, Solar, it seems like you had quite an adventure!

One thing does bother me. A bar populated by "a very young croud with homies, gangsters, jocks, lots of young punks" is hardly a safe place to go while dressed. In fact, it's the place to go if you want trouble! Stupid people and alcohol are not your friends.

Why not dial down your outfit a bit and try doing some shopping. You'll likely find people to be a lot more accepting and instead of a hangover you'll come home with some pretty new things!

[Deedee Skyblue]

Please don't beat the crap out of anyone while dressed. People already thing crossdressers are crazy. besides, in a place like the one you were in, you wouldn't be fighting just one person, and there is no guarantee there won't be knives or even guns involved.

Deedee

[Leah Lynn]

First off, welcome. It is a shame that people have to act like that. We should be able to go anywhere without any hoopla. However, there's still a lot of idiots and haters out there. I suggest following the various threads and forums here to see if anyone is/has posted about good venues in your area.

Please don't let this one outing keep you from venturing out again. It really does get better. Check the Meeting up and events sections. It's easier with other sisters along. Your SO will be welcome at most of these events. Hang in there, Sister!

Leah

[Mikkigurll]

That's good to know, the laws surrounding CD'ing. I'm sure there are other useful bits of information on the laws which we may need to know to enoower us in situations like these and other awkward times where people trained with past ideologies and mind sets try pulling a power trip on us. I'd certainly like to have some legal ammo rather than getting worked up where I want to fight. Is there a section or repository on this website for "Legal empowerment' snippets for the members? If not, I would love to have you or someone else post aggregate a page for just this sort of thing. Thoughts?

Being new here, I agree. Each state is different, but, here in Minnesota, you only have a problem when someone of the gender whose restroom you are using has a problem with it.

[Stephanie47]

I always recommend researching the laws of your particular state and municipalities, and, making a copy to carry. Most police officers are aware of ordinances, but, most people are fairly ignorant. I would also say discretion is the better part of valor. Although you had every right to be where you were, that does not help if you have a fractured jaw from some ignorant intolerant boor. As Eryn suggested, maybe a venue with a more accepting clientele would have been better for your first outing, if not for you, for your wife.

I'm sure the bouncer may have consulted a manager and found out what the law government transgendered people may be, and, decided to minimize any legal perils for the club.

[Vickie_CDTV]

The bouncer was probably so nice later on because, after the initial testosterone wore off, that the club might get sued (especially after you told him you had a vagina.)

Personally, I don't go anywhere where gangsters hang out, much less en femme. If you don't want to go to a gay place, go to a mall or a nice restaurant or such dressed. While you may still draw attention if you don't pass, it is far physically safer than a club patronized by thugs.

[jenni_xx]

Solar, I applaud you for your reaction to what happened. Absolutely good for you for not taking the easy way out and leaving. I'm not sure that I would have had the courage to do what you did should I have faced such a situation.

I do think however that the bouncer who came up to you and said "we have a problem" was doing so with the best of interests. It must have been a difficult situation for him, and in all honesty was well within his rights to point out the potential problem with the bathroom. From what you wrote, I did get the impression that the bouncer was left with no choice but to address it with you directly.

What is also reassuring is that while you no doubt felt somewhat threatened, it didn't actually come to blows. That is the one thing that scares me the most. Looks, snide remarks, people laughing at me I can handle. But I can't handle myself should it become physical, and so the fear of being physically attacked scares me greatly. Even in the environment that you experienced, it didn't actually come to that. I do feel that the greatest fear we face is the fear we imagine in our own minds, and in that respect, despite the antagonism that you faced, even in such a hostile environment, that actually gives me more courage to just be able to express who I am.

I really do applaud your bravery and standing up for yourself. I really admire what you did, and more to the point, several people in the club you were in felt the same way. The guy who bought you drinks, I think that was a really nice gesture on his part, no matter how weird it felt at the time for you. I interpreted that as him saying "look, it isn't on what you have had to deal with, so I'm going to make a gesture which says I'm ok with you". Full credit to him for that.

I do feel that what you wrote exhibits a typical human trait. That is one that will go with the pack. I don't think that the majority of people do think we are freaks, just that we are different. And I feel that when faced with people who are different, many people will react negatively to that difference in order to affirm their own status within the boundaries of normality. We all feel a need to be accepted after all. It's just so much of a shame that so many people misconstrue this by adopting the attitude that individuality is something that should be frowned upon. On the contrary, individuality should be embraced and accepted above those who follow like sheep.

All in all, the people who I applaud from your experience is the girl who came up to you and said it was inspiring. The guy who went out of his way to buy you a drink. The bouncer for ultimately dealing with you in such a respectful way, but above all that, I applaud you, yourself, for having the courage to not only go out there in the first place, but to stand up for yourself, not back down in the face of such adversity. And I also applaud your wife, who despite her own want to get out of the place, listened to you and stayed by your side.

[Solar Flair]

Well said gang. Fyi, I wouldn't have gone to this club if I knew the demographic had changed so drastically. It was one of those, new bar owners, daily themes geared towards a younger crowd (this night was hip-hop-ish) In retrospect, deep down I wanted to get angry first and fight. This I suspect is a normal defense mechanism that was armed the moment I knew the first outing was planned to a public place. I should have recognized that normal male tendency and just walked out quietly. Wow, so much to it when you have never been out as a women before. Its just not putting on your best clothes and makeup, feeling great to go out...then you get out and now there are all these other things to observe internally while you are in public. Sucks tofeel so good going out, then have to be prepared for the worse reactions.

[busker]

I guess that the bouncer reacted because you presented ID with a beard--clearly a give-away of your male identity. I am assuming you did not have the beard on while at the club, but it would have been within their rights to advise you of the policy since they believed you to be a MALE regardless of your clothing., even though you indicate you are intersex. Do you also have ID with a female picture?

[Jenniferathome]

Seems like it was a very positive outcome! A few uncomfortable moments offset by real human compassion and outreach. Not only was the outcome good, but you represented to all who saw that you're a real person. Good for you!

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi SF, Welcome to our fourm when you are here you are home.

You need to change your name to Thunder Storm the way you clouded up and rained all over his parade.

I'm guessing that the look on his face must've been priceless!!

[Jodi Anne]

Welcome to the board Solar Flair, it seems like you made what could have been a bad night work out to be positive by not running away.

[Paulette]

Solar you need to look up the River .Cit Gems which is based in Sacramento. The Gems always have events and after the events many of the girls go out to clubs in both the general venues and the gay sections of town. PM me Nd I will hook you up, there are several Gems on this board.

[Tracii G]

Solar you need to look up the River .Cit Gems which is based in Sacramento. The Gems always have events and after the events many of the girls go out to clubs in both the general venues and the gay sections of town. PM me Nd I will hook you up, there are several Gems on this board.

Paulette that is a great idea and so nice of you to offer.Safety in numbers is the way to go the first few times out until you get a sense of confidence.

[Melissa Rose]

Solar Flair, I'm sorry you had the unpleasant experience, but you seemed to handle it well. There are a number of members of this forum who live in or near Sacramento, and many are also members of the River City Gems which is a large and active transgender social and support group based in Sacramento. www.rivercitygems.org Some of us are very experienced with being out in the mainstream (Debglam and myself are examples). Based on our experiences over the past three years, yours was an exception. I will be blunt and say a lot of it was due to the venue and the clientele. I am frequently out all over the Sacramento and surrounding areas and never experienced a problem; however, I also use common sense in selecting the venues. There are only a very few I would not go into, but I probably would not go into them anyway or they are places I would not want a female friend or family member to go into. Alcohol makes people stupid so mainstream bars especially those with younger clientele can be some of the worse places when you are easily read and most cross dressers are very easily read. Downtown and midtown Sacramento are the most open and accepting regions in the area. While it is admirable you want to go everywhere, but every person is not going to be good with it and they tend to flock to common areas.

The law concerning restroom use in California by transgender individuals is fairly clear in theory, but fuzzy and gray in practice. Simply stated, you are allowed to use to the restroom of your presenting gender as long as you are making a good faith effort. The good faith part is intended to prevent some guy from only wearing a skirt and obviously presenting as a male from gaining assess to a women's restroom or dressing room by claiming to be transgendered. This is where it can get fuzzy and gray. Who gets to make the determination is not stated and your actual intentions are only know to yourself. In addition, the law applies to public facilities and not to private ones. Any restroom with implied public access such as shopping malls, hotel lobbies, parks, etc. are considered to be public rest rooms even though they are on private property. While a venue such as a bar has restrooms available to all customers, thus they are considered public restrooms once inside the building, you can be asked to leave the premises as a pretense to keep you out of the restroom providing none of your civil rights are violated in the process. The bottom line is as long as you make a good faith effort to fully present as a woman, your access to public restrooms is protected in California. Many are not aware of this law so you may encounter some resistance and hassle. Cut them some slack and explain the situation without confrontation. The Transgender Law Center in San Francisco is a good source of information on the subject. http://transgenderlawcenter.org/ I believe there is a letter you can print and carry with stating the law on the TLC web site. I carry one with me, but have never needed to show it (because I've never encountered a problem).

[Beverley Sims]

It was an unhappy outing for both of you but positively you can pick up on any mistakes made, such as why you were read.
The fact that you went back at the bouncer shows that you are not fearful of your surroundings and dealt with it with confidence.
I feel sorry for your wife who is obviously very supportive and it must have been deflating for her.
Others will have better suggestions but I can only say survey your places of entertainment before going out.
Do not despair it was just a bad evening. They all looked but they did not shout you out of the place.
Think..... You gave them something to talk about for the evening.

[Michelle (Oz)]

Wow Solar, a baptism of fire. And your wife is a real keeper - treasure her.

Gotta say that, while I'm out dressed most days and often in busy places such as malls, I would not have tried to go to a place like that. The only really unpleasant experience I've had was at a casino when several guys were drunk and made loud comments. Thankfully it rebounded on them because no one knew who they were mouthing off about. Alcohol brings out the worst in people and uninhibited it can get ugly.

Still you survived this and will be the more experienced for it.

[Claire Cook]

I guess this is one experience we all dread happening. Yes, it must have been so embarrassing for you and especially your wife. And yes, there were positives -- people can be understanding, and the yahoos were probably outed for being the yahoos they were. The one time this happened to me, the yahoos were far outnumbered by the real humans. And yes, if your reactions gave folks something to think about, it was positively instructive for them as well.

Wonderful that your wife helped you so much. Consider the good advice you've had -- the next outings can only be better!

[april_lynn]

Thanks for the story! It is also one of my biggest fears about going out dressed, but wow, you handled it great. It must make it a little easier to have your wife with you. While a dream of doing that with my wife, sadly I don't see her being able to accept April to that degree, although she does allow me to dress some at home. Hold onto that wife! You really need to remember to do something special for her in return.