Previous eating disorders (problems) and dieting to look slimmer in a skirt

[anastasiafantasia]

Hi girls,

I can't sleep and was thinking and was just wondering if anyone had had any eating disorders (clinically diagnosed and treated or otherwise) in their past, maybe during their formative years or later on, or maybe ongoing?

I ask because until a few years ago i had what i'm not totally sure i would classify as an eating disorder.I know i wasn't bullimic and luckily i didn't feel compelled to or could not totally starve myself like anorexics do.However, i would regularly everyday try to aim to eat as few calories as i could (usually 1000-200 depending ont he day i guess) over an extended period of time (5-6 years) with no specific weight loss goal in mind.

I was always skinny as a kid due to depression and stress from school and naturally developed bad eating habits skipping meals and then started doing it conciously since i realised i needed to stay skinny (basically for me because i am gay and alot of young guys, gay or otherwise, place most importance on looks and size).

I got to know a few anorexics during those years, although was never as"bad", and realised that a fair percentage of males (straight and gay) suffer with eating disorders nowadays.I'm not sure if it has always been the case or was just never taken notice of in the past.Everybody thought males don't care about their weight.

The last couple of years i have given up on dieting and felt alot better.Even in the sometimes rather superficial gay world and scene i realised i didn't want to feel that my entire worth felt tied to staying slim and/or having a 6pack.I relaxed emotionally and psychologically and didn't weight myself until the other day.I have a slight "beer belly" now and have a BMI of 25. something at 184lbs and 6 foot.

Since i have started thinking of CDing again and past the just lingerie stage i have thought about how i will look in tight fitting, feminine tops and skirts and dresses.Men can hide so well in baggy shirts etc .And have decided i want to lose some weight again.I am a bit worried because i am exercising but obsessively kindof already (1 hour's heavy cardio a day) and trying to restrict as much as possible so 1000 cals or less a day.I realise this is bad for metabolism and unhealthy and i'm already starting to feel moody and much worse about my self image comparing myself with men and women 10 years younger than me (20) who are still naturally slim more easily.Grr probably a rather obvious sign to the answer to my question!

I'm just wondering if anyone else has battled body images and self esteem issues regarding that before they started CDing; because i have read that CDing is a healthy impetus for quite a few folks on here to take a healthy step to lose a few extra pounds and adopt a healthier lifestyle.

I never sought help for my problem with doctors because i was never that dangerously skinny and you have to literally be on death's doorstep here in the UK to receive that kindof help for eating disorders.However, i guess i'm just thinking outloud and asking if anyone has any advice as to whether i should try set a goal and then stop if i achieve it or just not bother?

I'm a littlle overweight but not by much.I was thinking maybe 175 pounds for a BMI of 23.5 or something i think it was.

Thanks for listening,

Ana

[SarahMarie42]

As long as your calorie consumption is in excess of 1600 - 1800 calories a day, you should be fine -- as long as you know where to stop. I'm a straight CDer, and I have body dysmorphic disorder -- I tend to see myself as fat or ugly regardless of whatever my external reality may be -- to the point where I'll spend several hours attempting to prove to myself that I'm not nearly as ugly as I first perceived; only for my perceptions to grow progressively uglier. If you ever want to talk to anyone about body-image distortions, I am willing to talk. Those of us who struggle need to support each other.

[ReineD]

There are some very cute, curvy girls. Skinny girls are not to everyone's tastes.

That said, here's an excellent resource for Body Dismorphic Disorder from the Mayo Clinic. It only takes 10 minutes to read and at the end they suggest ways that you can improve your self image.

http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/bod...sorder/DS00559

This may or may not be related but over the years I've read many posts from CDers (not TSs) who say they HATE to see themselves in guy mode. And I've spoken to lots of GGs who have told me their husbands do not think they are attractive in male mode. I've often wondered if BDD might not be the culprit.

[Vickie_CDTV]

If in doubt, get help. Seriously, talk to your doctor, and get help if you need it.

My mother is/was a severe anorexic, and about as bad as one can get short of dying (which she almost did twice and had to be strapped down and force fed through a tube in her 20s.) She is 66, 5'0 (down from 5'5" in her 30s) and about 70 pounds, and her bones are so brittle she is lucky she can even walk (she breaks a bone every year and is hospitalized.) She is constantly sick and in and out of the doctor's office monthly complaining of unusual pain (tremors, headaches, dizziness etc.)

She was abused her entire life, and was badly beaten as a child (all her brothers suffer from mental illness as a result), raped when she was young and abused by my father in some form to this day. While it is easy to blame it on media images (they sure do not help whatsoever), it is about feeling helpless and trying to have a sense of control. If any of that rings true for you, get help ASAP.

Whatever the case, it doesn't end well, if you are even lucky enough to survive you can end up in a lifetime of serious pain and misery. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.

[Beverley Sims]

If you have overcome your anorexic traits and weigh what you do now, accept your image as it is and just buy clothes that flatter your figure.

[anastasiafantasia]

Thanks everyone for taking the time to wade through my post and answering so thoughtfully and considered.I am a little embarrassed now.I think it might have to do with a depression i am going through lately that i am beating myself up and feeling i have no control over my life and the trigger about wanting to go out for the first time ever en femme and trying to look as good as i can was just the trigger for me realising i wanted to look like i did as a male phsycially when i was 18 too.

I realise that is unreasonable now since i am more than a decade older and can't reasonably expect to be that skinny again without seriously restricting.However i have realised i can try to exercise build up some muslces and definition again so i look better in male mode too.I don't identify as TS or TG primaririly so it helps that hopefully i feel i can achieve a better image in male.

I will just have to try to watch out i don't get too critical of myself when i feel i might come up short (ie. not be like 5 percent body fat and totally cut up).I realise now i need to set my priorities out and body image isn't going to be number one now i'm older.Thanks for all the support.

Sarah Marie i am sorry that you have battled with image issues too and realise that the issues cut much deeper than just how you look.It's tough.I used to suffer badly for OCD to the extent i was in residential treatment and there was a beuatiful woman in there who suffered with BDD as Reine has brought up.However, it was so sad that she couldn't see how beautiful spirtually as well as physically she was.

Thanks Reine for the link.I was wondering if i could have BDD tendencies- although mine always focussed on my weight in the past before i really CDed.I hated my tummy and always wanted to lose that "little bit"more weight but would still feel bad or even worse whenever i lost.Luckily i never got as bad physically and sick as some of my friends i knew at the time who were seriously in the grips of an eating disorder.

Vickie.I'm so sorry to hear about your mother.It's so sad that some people just cannot stop the devastating progress of their eating disorders however much it hurts themselves and others around them.It is a very serious mental illness and it sounds like she has been through so much pain in her life and is so difficult to understand for many relatives and people close to those affected why their loved ones just can't eat something.I feel so sorry that your mother and you and other loved ones have had to wage this war against a very serious eating disorder.Thank you for your words of experience and wisdom.I appreciate them.

Thank you Beverley.Luckily i don't think i ever had anorexia.Maybe EDNOS (eating disorder not otherwise specified).However in my case you are probably right.I need to sort out my underlying issues and i am lucky i think i can do it myself since i was never as affected as some.

[VeronicaMoonlit]

This may or may not be related but over the years I've read many posts from CDers (not TSs) who say they HATE to see themselves in guy mode. And I've spoken to lots of GGs who have told me their husbands do not think they are attractive in male mode. I've often wondered if BDD might not be the culprit.

Maaaayyyyybeeeee.

300.7-Body Dysmorphic Disorder

And yes, I hate mirrors and try to not look at myself when in front of one.

Veronica