Where to go from here.

[Kimberlyfaye]

So I went away for the weekend and spent 2 days out dressed. I stayed with a friend and his family and everyone accepted me and I got called Kim all the time. I've never felt so happy in my life. For once I felt I was where I belonged. While I was out I got a few looks and stares but it didn't bother me at all. I was Kim and I was having the time of my life. Even when my feet started killing me in my heels.

But, as much as I had fun, I'm now facing a dilemna. I'm looking at a fork in the road. One path leads to a life as a man, and one to life as a woman. When I look at both futures I believe I would be happier following that female road. I don't know if I should see someone about it as I've read alot of specialists cost money, something I don't have. I was hoping I could get some opinions. Whether you've faced this, are facing it now, or even if you haven't.

I'm a big mess at the minute I don't know what to do. If you want to ask anything else, go ahead. I'll try my best to explain anything else.

[Diversity]

Hi Kimberlyfaye,
I know I am not the right person to give you the advice you really need, as that advice will probably need to come from a professional therapist. Since money is an issue, I would like to suggest you start at the very basics of your feelings. In all honesty, being a man is not a bad thing. Being a woman is also not a bad thing. Both are good things. So, with that perhaps you might do some soul searching and ask yourself what are the good things you like about being a male and a female and what are the bad things you associate with being a male and a female. Write them down on paper. This is important for future reference. Ask yourself what loved ones will be affected by your decisions and how do you feel about it? If you are thinking about the full gender change, operations, etc. you need to ask yourself if you are prepared to live in this new female gender for the rest of your life and look at what life will be like for you everyday thereafter in all aspects of your day to day living.
I believe that if you take the time to really look at things from all angles, you will be able to make your own decision without anyone's help. Once you know your decision is the right one for you, then you will know what to do. But please, for your own good, take the time over days, weeks, months, years, etc. to really evaluate all angles and in all honesty to your true feelings. I wish you good luck in your journey, Kimberlyfaye, and hope that this offers a bit of help to you.
Kind regards,
Di

[Nikki50/50]

Duality. How human!
My impulse is to say go in the direction your heart is tugging you toward. But I would be remiss in my own ethics not to also state that hearts can, and often do; change. You are at a crossroad. That is one way to see it. But that implies choosing one, and being barred from that point on from the other. Perhaps a different perspective?
You are at a split in the road, but both paths run parallel (I love that word). Choose one, and when you feel the whim, jump the median and walk the other. They both go in the same direction, being that they are the paths of your life. No need for U-turns, no regrets. Be both because you ARE both. Two sides of the same beautiful and whole person.
-Nikki50/50
....P.S.> My screen name here reflects this perspective, actually...even though that is not quite exactly why I chose it. Yet it has an agreeable symmetry to my advice, so...I'll let it stand. lololol

[Beverley Sims]

Your first and early times out dressed are usually conducted in a friendly atmosphere.
There is security, acceptance and a certain amount of reinforcement from those around you.
These are blissful times.

When you get back to reality it is four cold walls closing in.
You are lying on the bed dressed and relaxed after a weekend of bliss, tomorrow you have to man up and go to work.
It becomes a most unrealistic thought.
It is times like this you look at the fork in the road often.
I suggest for a while man up each time for now and look at whether you want to go further in six months time.
If the feeling becomes unbearable then you need to do something about it.

If interest does not increase you are probably like a lot of us here.
Just analyzing the experience.

[linda allen]

........ But, as much as I had fun, I'm now facing a dilemna. I'm looking at a fork in the road. One path leads to a life as a man, and one to life as a woman. .

If there's a "fork in the road", it has many paths. You don't have to decide today, this week, or even this year to be a man or a woman. You can be a crossdresser your entire life if that works for you. Many, if not most of the members here live as a "man" and dress as a woman after work or on weekends and have no intentions of transitioning to life as a woman.

[xdressed]

Firstly congrats again on your weekend out, it sounds brilliant ^_^

I'd like to point out that you'd have to see a professional if you do decide to transition anyway because you need a 'diagnosis', so at least for now I would do some more research into it and see how you feel. I sometimes feel the same as you do now but it's worth remembering there's a difference between being caught in the pink fog and actually being transsexual, but you're the only know who really knows who you are. I'd recommend watching the Channel 4 Documentry series My Transsexual Summer, hopefully it'll help you and it should be on 4OD

[kimdl93]

So many of us face this apparent cross roads. My advice is that if the choice isn't to that either. There's a third path, which allows you to present as male or female at your choosing. Follow the third path until your choices become easier.

If your mind and body were crying out desperately to transition, then, that would be the right choice. If your male side was clearly your preference, then fine..go that way. But if you don't feel that sense of clarity, then it's perfectly appropriate to live the blend that suits you. You can change your mind later. That is a woman's prerogative, you know!

[Kimberlyfaye]

Thanks all for the input. I love being here because you're all so accepting and understanding! I've known all my life I was different. I've never been a typical guy. I never felt I fitted in. Only in the last couple of years have I really embraced Kim. And now the feelings have got stronger. I am so much happier when I dress. I explained to Ria that I literally feel like I'm flying when in Kim mode. I'm such a happy and more sociable person. My friend says the male mode is the act annd Kim is me. All I can say is I've been going back and forth on this for a while. And now it just feels so strong. My GG friend said "at least you don't have to put up with the once a month thing" to which I replied, "I would take that" Right now I look at things and think I just want to feel like a girl. Everything about it, not just dressing up. I'm jealous of girls in the street not because of their outfits but because of what they are.
And I have seen My Transexual Summer Ria. I liked it. And this was back before I felt the way I do now. When I would just be dressing.

[Jennifer Marie P.]

Just follow your heart decisions like that take time.Be what you think you are more comfortable with.

[xdressed]

The whole feeling of flying is probably elevated by the fact that your female side has to be repressed a lot because of your surroundings, but of course the problem here is that if you really are more than a crossdresser you'd still feel that way anyway. I think you (and myself and many others for that matter) would probably benefit massively from having a whole month dressed and see how you feel about it by the end. If only it were that easy >_<

P.S Loving the new avatar ^_^

[Tracii G]

Kim a lot of us here have been where you are right now.
I don't see the need to go one way or the other I just ride both sides of the fence.
A lot of us struggled with OMG what do I do now? I have to be one or the other 24/7. My answer why not be both?
SRS is a huge move and very expensive but some find that the only way to settle their dilema.

[Maria S]

Take the third middle path that sometimes crosses over the other two and have the best of both worlds.

Maria

[xdressed]

SRS is a huge move and very expensive but some find that the only way to settle their dilema.

Unless I'm much mistaken it's free on the NHS

[Kimberlyfaye]

I would take that middle path, except... I don't want to. I just feel I would be happier as a girl all the time. I always imagine there's no extra bits down there. I don't know how to explain.other than this: I am Kim and I'm both male and female in mind but my body doesn't match. What I am on the outside makes me unhappy. I feel like I'm dressed up in costume when in drab. But even in girl mode I still like sports and some boy stuff.

Does that make me transgendered, transexual? I might need a specialist to tell me properly. But those here more in the know than myself, what do you think?

[Barbara Ella]

Kimberly, you are gathering information by reading the discussions here, and using them in your process. It is uniquely your process, and you will have to do what you decide is "best" for you at your special moment in time. There are positives and minuses in all three choices, man, woman, duality. I am happy in my acceptance of being TS. I have anguish in being frozen in my male exterior, but until that anguish outweighs the pain my decision would cause, i will continue. You must continue, and do what you enjoy.

Barbara

[Foxglove]

I would take that middle path, except... I don't want to. I just feel I would be happier as a girl all the time.

Kim, from what you're saying on this thread, it sounds to me like you're in much the same position I was in a few months ago. I was still in the closet and getting desperate. I thought I was going to burst.

Then I had a weekend on the town. First time in my life I'd been out in public as myself. It was an unbelievable experience, such an incredible feeling of freedom. I knew then a little weekend now and then wasn't going to do me. I had to have that feeling all the time.

So shortly thereafter I switched over to full-time. I haven't regretted it. I'm still going forward. I got my legal name changed this week. Undoubtedly there will be more decisions to come, but I'm not pushing things. I've decided I'm only going to do things when it feels the time is right.

You have to consider a lot of things, though. Your personal circumstances which are uniquely your own. My own circumstances were such that I could jump off the deep end and perhaps survive. Yours might not be like that. There are many things to consider.

I finally came to the "tipping point"--either do it or continue eating at yourself. Are you at that point? For you to decide. And I know from personal experience, it is a very, very hard decision to make. Simply because there's so much you need to foresee and yet you can't foresee anything at all. I took the leap, and everything worked out splendidly for me. That's not the way it works for everybody.

At the end of the day the question is, "Can I live like this? Or do I need to live like this? Or is there some other option that I might find acceptable." Other people on this thread have given you some options. Only you can decide which one is for you.

Best wishes, Annabelle

[arbon]

I wanted to find a middle path but I was very unhappy trying to live as male. It got to the point where suicide was not just an option but seemed like something that was going to happen, it was playing out in my head and I had become very detached. The anxiety and depression from trying to make myself accept being male and all the worrying about what was going to happen if I could not do that was crushing me. Crossdressing or trying to be part time girl did not work, I wanted to be real.
Probably sounds really dramatic! But that my experience, what made me change course.

In contrast living as a woman, despite the hardship of transition, feels right. Its a state of being that I had denied and tried to stuff down for so long, and then finally I felt like I could breath and just be me to live my life.

[Karren H]

chose the one you will be happiest in is great but make sure your path allows you to earn sufficient income to survive ... even prosper... I know a few here and on facebook that have real life problems finding work... dying homeless...broke and alone in a pretty pink dress isn't all that its cracked up to be.....

[bobbimo]

Right on Karren!
Have you taken one of the Gender tests that are available on line?
Thats a pretty easy first step, then follow Karren's wisdom