Do you ever have doubts about what you’re doing? Do you ever think, if only for a moment, that your situation is patently impossible, and maybe, just maybe, you’re WRONG, and you should start doing things right? I suppose I could be wrong, you know – I’ve been wrong before...
This idea, or notion, wafts into my mind on occasion, but I don’t pay too much attention to it. I mean, here I am, a MtF crossdresser, obstinate to a fault, laughed at, isolated, marginalized, and lonely, bereft of any genuine connection with the outside world. I’ve painted myself into a corner, made my bed, and burned my bridges – where do I go from here? I have no choice but to try to live within the cramped space I have carved out for myself, for better or worse...
I see people going about their daily lives, with things to do, places to go, friends and family by their side, while I just sit here. My choice of clothing precludes any notion of having a normal life, and this gets to me sometimes. I could be out there, doing that thing, rather than trying to do the impossible, i.e. go from M to F via reinvention. It’s not easy, but why did I choose this route through life? It WAS a choice, BTW. Why must I always do things the hard way?
Please don’t mistake this as a cry for help. It isn’t. In any event, certain individuals on this site have pointed out, quite clearly, that I am the only one that can help ME. I understand that, and I must say I agree with that “position,” but I would gladly help anyone if I could. I suppose that if I was more normal, or doing those normal things that normal people do, I would feel a sense of accomplishment, rather than this feeling of emptiness...
Instead, I have to defend my decision to crossdress, or, at the very least, protect it. I have no choice in the matter, after all – if I lose ME, I will become one of the walking dead, a legion of non-individuals who assume they’re right. Hmmm... Come to think of it, maybe being “wrong” isn’t so bad after all...
Are you the master (I mean mistress) of your convictions, or do you doubt yourself?