CDing Makes me Miserable Now

[SarahMarie42]

Well. . . yes. Obviously, feminine qualities involve much more than one's appearance. However, I hate embodying masculinity in any way, shape, or form, AND have the whole BDD issue -- so I sometimes get unduly caught up in looks.

[Valerie Nova]

Every time I start to CD now, I want to claw my damned eyes out. I am not content with the result, and I feel like a clown. I wonder why I even do this when I fail so miserably to project an image which is even remotely feminine. Others have their reasons, but unless I achieve that goal, I feel like my endeavors are a waste of time. Correspondence on the forum has only exacerbated this issue. I know that most of you see me as a dumb, drab b***h, and I suppose that's fine, as it only confirms already present suspicions and provides me with some certainty as to my defects. I can do nothing but compare myself with those vastly superior to me, in all respects, endlessly -- until I feel absolutely worthless.

Can anyone tell me why I should even continue when I'm driven so absolutely crazy? Without any sympathetic white lies to attempt to boost my spirits?

I know exactly how you feel, because I used to feel the same way. I'd get so crazy obsessed with dressing up, then feel like an idiot when I saw myself in the mirror. But then I lost some weight, and started getting a better sense of what clothes would look good on me, and learned how to make flattering poses for a camera (my webcam on a software timer) and eventually it kind of all came together when I got to where I could do makeup well enough to get rid of that awful beard shadow. (and not look like a junior-high girl going out wearing makeup for the first time... practice makes perfect. Also, youtube videos)

I will admit that here there is a tendency to always compliment someone no matter how silly they look, but some of us really are more suited to this than others, at least in terms of physical attractiveness. And here's the thing, girls are the exact same way. You're probably feeling what "ugly" girls feel most of the time, and it's certainly no easier for them. I admit, I have some advantages when it comes to having a pretty face, that others that post here don't have. Yeah, it's supposed to be kind of an insult to call a guy "pretty" but I always felt secretly happy whenever someone said I was pretty. Or as one guy told me in an insulting way "slap a pair of tits and some long hair on you, and I'd think you were a girl". I couldn't contain my happiness after hearing that, for like a week. That was in high school, I think. Anyway, I also envy guys who are shorter that six feet tall and can wear a womens's size 9 shoe. (If only! So many world would be open to me!) Also, guys that can pull off a female voice, or that don't have much in the way of facial hair.

One thing that helped me was defining some goals to make myself prettier (ie, losing weight and getting better with makeup), then decided my objective was to look as good as possible in photos. Since there's often no useful size reference in photos, my height wasn't an issue, and neither was my shoe size (eBay makes that process a lot easier. So does Payless. Thanks for being so crossdresser-friendly, Payless Shies!) Also, I can do all the cherry-picking I want with massive numbers of digital photos, and if I use a low-res webcam, then some of the mistakes and flaws in my makeup are conveniently unable to be seen.

Personally, I think you're feeling all the same emotions that a girl would feel. Unfortunately, they're what an unattractive girl or a girl with body image problems would feel.

[SarahMarie42]

Yeah, maybe I should just keep my sh*t in line and stay a guy, huh? Most people think I'm handsome as a man -.-

I suppose that's what I'm going to take away from all of that, and I apologize -- for some reason it just made me feel worse. I tend to twist things.

[Amanda M]

It's sad, SarahMarie that you feel so torn and tormented. You will be aware that OCD, depression and suicidal ideation often form part of a package. I suspect too that you are something of a perfectionist in most things you do.

I really do recommend that you see a therapist, particularly one who has experience of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy and who has experience of gender issues. You'll find it very useful to talk to someone who is not judgemental, who has no axe to grind and who can help you see the wood from the trees.

Best,
Amanda.

[SarahMarie42]

I don't actually think I will now. I think I'm just going to see how much further I can push it all down. I was feeling better earlier too, but now I just feel awful, and I have no idea why. So awful that I can't even sleep.

[Valerie Nova]

I don't actually think I will now. I think I'm just going to see how much further I can push it all down.

Haha, because that sometime works. At least our deviancy is more or less harmless. Imagine being only sexually attracted to children and having a really high sex drive. If God controls the circumstances we're born into, he sure likes to put some of us in awful situations. Both for the self-loathing pedophile and any kids nearby when his emotions finally take over.

If you're trying to get better at crossdressing, I could give you some advice, but I'm usually not that great at providing emotional support.

[SarahMarie42]

Nah. . . I think people skills will suit me somewhat better than makeup tips right now -.-


In fact, I think I'll just try to get this thread deleted. I was obviously wrong to attempt to seek help.

If I can't, I'll just beg to be left alone. I just had to open a whole can of worms, didn't I? I can't even find music or artwork to relate to. I can't even find anything which could possibly serve as some conduit for even marginal catharsis. I just want to break every object near me until I'm too tired to break anything more.

I suppose if any further useful comments can be made, that would be fine. I figured out how to filter out irrelevant responses.

[kimdl93]

Others have said this before, but its worth repeating. You say "CDing" MAKES you miserable. CDing is an action, like making a bowl of cereal or combing your hair. It can't MAKE you do anything. YOU are choosing to respond to your self assessment with this reaction.

There are more productive ways to approach this. First, remember than none of the members here began with all the skils necessary to acheive their ultimate goals - in terms of appearance or abilty to present as female. And like any other skill, it takes time, lots of time to become proficient. So allow yourself time and expect to make mistakes.

But, also you need to have realistic goals. There are lots of guitar players here, and many of them are quite proficient after years of practice and playing. But, I'm willing to bet that there are very few who can play like Eric Clapton. Does that mean they should give up? Hardly. You can take satisfaction from doing YOUR best.