Ugh dating

[Tabitha Storm]

So I just started dating this woman and I am almost certain that she is not going to be cool with dressing. It is still new and I do enjoy her company but I am not sure if it is a deal breaker or not.
I haven't dated in a long time so it is nice to. I can go with out dressing but not without thinking about it. Anyone else ever been in this position?
Thoughts?

Tabitha

[Sophistic8d_grl]

Hi Tab~

I would imagine many (nearly all) grrls who date girls have been in this position. May I suggest considering the following:

* Does the topic need to be shared? Depending on how long you've been dating and how serious you are about this woman may help answer these. Having "just started dating" her, I would focus more on the basics such as enjoying each others' company and simply getting back into a dating mode.

Of course, the fear that she may reject you will linger until it is brought up, but don't jeopardize what may be a cool thing by thrusting this on her. I do believe that when one is serious about another, this lifestyle aspect should be shared and everyone's circumstances require different approaches. However, many CDs, who have lived with this much of their lives seem to forget that the person they're involved with has not. Thus, I try to be fair, giving them time to absorb the gravity of this.

* Another consideration may be: Does this need to be shared now? Your thoughts are just that (for now). For some this is a fantasy, while others may feel most fulfilled by realizing them. Don't rush yourself either.

I'm interested in seeing how others may respond to your query and how they propose you address it. New things tend to be exhilirating and terrifying. The best you can do in the face of uncontrollable events may be to remain positive, be honest with yourself and others and enjoy the ride~

[Diversity]

While I am not dating, as I am married and would not have it any other way, I can relate in that I am constantly 24/7 always thinking about CD'ing. I can't get it out of my head. I love waking up and thinking about all the clothes I would love to have the opportunity to wear and begin the day. Of course this is all so not going to happen, but I can dream can't I?
As I write, my wife is in the other room working on her assignments, while I am here in the other room, in a skirt, which I know I can quickly change out of and back into my pants before she gets here. Silly isn't it? But ohhhh, so enjoyable, since it is the only 'out' I have at present.
Have fun!
Di

[Beverley Sims]

Back in the olden days when I was single dating a girl was still more exciting than dressing. (Still would be.) Except for the wife.
If you want a hot broad, go for it and leave the other broad at home for the night.

[Tanya J]

I know what you are saying but i would really consider the fact that if this goes anywhere you will need to bring it up. It will be much better to have it out there where you both know each others stance. I personally hate that feeling that someone will find out; and then i would be left standing there being the person that deceived them.

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Tabitha, You know that this probably isn't going to end well.

[Maria S]

When I've dated in the past before meeting my wife I've found myself going through girlfriends wardrobes to see what looks nice on me.

Maria

[darla_g]

I think Sophistic8d_grl has this spot on. If you're just enjoying the dating just go with that. If you think you want it to move past that point or she wants it to move past that point then you have to tell her.

[kimdl93]

I agree with Sophistic8d. for the moment, just enjoy the experience of going out and having an enjoyable companion. It doesn't mean you'll want to spend your lives together. Enjoy her for the person she is.

Later, hopefully much later, if the two of you become more serious, then you can start thinking about telling her the truth. Between now and then, if that time ever comes, you can use dating as an opportunity to get to know her thinking about a wide variety of subjects. And if the time comes, you'll have a somewhat better sense of how she might react and respond.

[savvy_fudge]

Hi Tabitha, like some of the others have said unless you see this developing into something serious and longterm it's probably best to keep quiet about it for now. If things get serious that will be another bridge you'll have to cross.

[Lorileah]

and I, on the other hand disagree with not revealing it. As time goes by the investment in the relationship gets bigger. When you put off telling, the lie (yes it is a lie by omission) gets bigger and it hurts more. To me it is stealing time from the other person and it also says you don't think they can decide on their own how they may feel about it. Then you wonder why they look at you with a dropped jaw and a hurt look. Why? Because you have made yourself something they saw as different and you shatter their way of seeing you. You wasted their time (especially if you suspect they won't accept it) when they could have been onto the person who better suited them.

No it does not have to be the first date or even the second but when you start to feel you have a connection and you also see that they have differing ideas...you should tell. Better to break it early before you have a large investment in each other. You are being selfish on your part.

[Stephanie47]

Like most of the responses, I'm in the corner of not telling a person unless the relationship gets serious. You should get a sense of her position on alternative lifestyles. At forty-three years old, so you may have some track record as to prior dating and revelations.

A secret is best kept by one person. Tell one, and, you should be braced that all will know.

[Tammy Nowakowski]

I'm with Lorileah on this one

[AllieSF]

I also agree with Sophistic8d_grl. She said it so well. Until you know or want that this situation could turn into a long term relationship, it is your call when and how you should tell her. You are not telling a lie by not revealing it way up front. When you see and want that more serious relationship, then letting her know is better for you and her. Up until that time you both are getting to know each other and why should you complicate the enjoyment phase when it is not necessary. If you are one that has to reveal everything early in any relationship, then by all means reveal. Good luck.

[LaLaChic]

I have told myself that the next time I date a woman I will tell her about my crossdressing before we become intimate.

[Jenniferathome]

If you think it is getting serious, then tell her sooner than later.

[Tabitha Storm]

Thank you all for the responses. I haven't dated much because I spent most of my time raising my daughter. She is 18 now and will soon be off to college. That also kept me from being able to dress.
I think I will keep it quiet for a little while. If it appears it may turn into something I will tell her before it becomes serious. It took a long time to accept Tabitha for me. I know we have all done purges. Tabitha is as much as a part of me as my boy self. I think I deserve (we all deserve) to be with someone who will accept that. If it comes to the point where I feel I must tell her, that will determine the outcome. To never say anything is like hiding yourself from the person. I want to be all in on a relationship.

Tab

[RADER]

I was single for about 15 years after my devoice. It was a bitter divorce, and I was turned off from
women for a while. I dated now and again, but no "Sparks".
I met my now wife on a blind date, And new that she was the one. On the third date, I brought up
the subject by saying I liked a dress that some one was wearing on a TV show at the time.
I said, that I wish I had a dress like that. That opened the door for me, She asked If I liked to wear
dresses, I answered yes, she asked to see me in one, told her that I only had skirts, And we where
Married about 8 months later. Now after 19+ years, I still dress, but I stay in the closet.
Rader

[JeanneF]

I agree with Lorileah as well.

If she's not going to be cool with you dressing, then by getting yourself invested a relationship you are only setting yourself for heartache. I'm not saying you should tell a girl about it on your first date, but if you get the feeling that this is going to be a deal breaker with this particular girl, then it's better to end the relationship sooner rather than later.

[flogo920]

I feel I MUST disagree- there is much of one's life better kept private.

The number of open minded women seeking a relationship with a crossdresser is VERY VERY VERY LIMITED. For many it is a deal-breaker.

If you saw combat in Viet Nam,Iraq or Afghanistan,- would you share the details of your kills with her ?? Especially the close up and personal ones ??

Unless you expect a mate to participate in your CD ing why BURDEN her with a secret and all that goes with it ??? What good comes from this ???

Having been married 30+ years, and having NO time for CDimg , the topic simply does not come up- although she has known since before marriage.

Having a chanc e for do over she would have one less thing to bother with.

Hugs,

Flo

[Badtranny]

You have two options;

1. be ashamed of yourself and hide like a pervert
2. Be yourself and admit with candor that you're not like the other guys

Personally I'd rather be alone than in a relationship where I have to hide who I am.

No secrets No drama

[Lorileah]

If you saw combat in Viet Nam,Iraq or Afghanistan,- would you share the details of your kills with her ?? Especially the close up and personal ones ??

Straw argument. This does not affect your possible marriage (unless somewhere along the line she tells you that all war is immoral and those who participate in them are also). When a person crossdresses and keeps it a secret from his (her) potential spouse and you know that said partner is against dressing (or whatever) and you wait until late in the relationship or after marriage, it is information that is pertinent to the relationship. You have wasted their time, the time that both of you could have used to find someone more compatible. It will lead to anger and distrust. If something you do now (not what you did 20-30-40 years ago) has potential to ruin your relationship, you need to get it out now, not later. You cannot imagine the hurt when you think you know someone and find out 10 years later that you didn't.

addendum: knowing so many with PTSD, I think telling her before marriage about that potential is a good idea also... I cannot imagine again a spouse who gets awakened at 3:30 in the morning by their partner screaming. Details aside, I would want my spouse to know.

[Barbara Ella]

you can live a secret, call it a lie or not, and risk repercussions if she found out after investing a good part of her life in somthing that was not a whole.

The minute you suspect it could/might/is getting serious, you should be forthcoming.

If battle experience affects your psychological behavior, you should inform your partner because you are going to need help in the future. If it doesn't affect you, there is nothing in your behavior to come out in the future, unlike crossdressing.

Barbara

[JeanneF]

You have two options;

1. be ashamed of yourself and hide like a pervert
2. Be yourself and admit with candor that you're not like the other guys

Personally I'd rather be alone than in a relationship where I have to hide who I am.

No secrets No drama

Well said. I feel sorry for the CDers and other Transpeople who are so self-loathing they feel there is no other choice but to hide in the closet.