How did you come to accept this about yourself?

[PaulaQ]

Was it hard to for you accept your crossdressing / like this about yourself?
If it was, how'd you come to accept it?

___________________________
Although I feel wonderful while dressing, and find the entire experience euphoric while I'm doing it, I have to be honest here and say that I am NOT liking this part of myself.

I accept that there is a part of me that wants to be a girl, or at least dress like one, there is no denying that. At some level, I've known this since I was young. I've suppressed and denied this all my life. I think this is one of a couple of things that has made me feel "different" from others over the course of my life.

Thing is - I don't want to be different.

But I am, always have been, and I'm finding that I'm still not liking that too much. (I've NEVER liked feeling different, although I always have.)

I guess I also have some fear and suspicion about the euphoric "pink fog" feelings I experience while doing this. They remind me of something - namely how I felt when I abused alcohol and drugs. I've been sober a really long time - but part of me fears I've simply found a new way to escape reality. The powerful emotions, and seemingly compulsive behavior I experience while dressing frankly scares the hell out of me.

I don't do anything risky or outrageous - but the degree to which I NEED to do this scares me, because the last thing I NEEDED this badly nearly killed me.

So how about it? Am I simply expressing a long suppressed female side of my personality, or am I a some type of junkie? (I haven't had feelings this strong in over 20 years since I sobered up, and it really frightens me.)

And if I'm really not some type of addict, then how do I resolve the conflict between the part of me that desperately wants this, and the part of me that totally hates it and fears it will wreck my life?

I realize nobody can tell me what I should do - but I'd like to hear how others have resolved this conflict in their own minds / hearts.

I have realized that before I can really talk to anyone in my life about this - I need to really accept this about myself, and not sound like I'm telling them "yep, sorry, I have cancer. It's untreatable. I'm doomed." Because that's how I feel - and I don't think that will make for an especially good presentation of my situation.

[suchacutie]

At age 55 my wife and I discovered Tina together. It seemed completely natural from the beginning! It's harder to accept when life just doesn't make any time for Tina!

[Elirra]

Good question. The short answer is that I have not accepted that I am a crossdresser, yet. In fact, I hate that I have to waste my time and money on such a trivial, seemingly useless fetish.

But here I am, giving the question in your post serious contemplation. I hope that I can accept things by the time it's all said and done with.

If nothing else, you can't call us anything but unique.

Cheers,

Elirra

[Wildaboutheels]

Would you dress/as much IF you were blind?

I think our VISION and how it affects us MEN is one of the best things about being a man so I have never had any trouble "accepting" myself.

As far as being "different", I have never had any problem with it.

The thing is, WHAT makes you think you are so different? What % of CDing men, do you think would even come to a Forum to discuss it? There really is no "reasonable" way to tell just how many men CD.

Is there?

It's also an easy guess that 95% don't dress all the way and/OR for more than 10 or 15 minutes at a time?

Reagrdless, there is no right or wrong way/s to dress or wrong reason/s regardless of Forum MYTHS to the contrary.

[PaulaQ]

Good question. The short answer is that I have not accepted that I am a crossdresser, yet.

Well, I hate to break this to you, but I can see a certain amount of evidence that you may be one of us...

If nothing else, you can't call us anything but unique.

No doubt.

I have no desire to be a unique snowflake. I've spent my entire life being "different". (I also suffer from a rare condition that affects perhaps 1 in 100,000 - it makes me - somewhat distinctive.) I've always hated this. And now this. Great. Just. Freaking. Great.

At least I can hide this, I hope.

[monalisa]

It was easy as it was a gradual transformation starting with panties and then adding different articles of clothing until eventually I had enough clothes and wigs to do a total change.

[Eryn]

I wouldn't so much say I've accepted this part of myself so much as I have discovered what i have always been and what those odd feelings and desires were about.

There wasn't something wrong with me of which I should be ashamed, but rather something that I should express and share with other accepting people.

In the meantime I've met wonderful people who I otherwise wouldn't have met and done things (not just dressing) that I otherwise wouldn't have done. In the balance, I think that I've come out far ahead.

[RenneB]

Over the years it was just something I had to learn more about. Starting at the tender age of 4, I just knew I was more happy dressing as a girl... as time went on I knew I had to hide it as it wasn't socially acceptable... Until the age of the internet back in '95, I thought for sure I was one of the only people in the world born like this. Now I know differently.

I accept who I am as a unique human with a 'gift'. Depending on where I go, this gift is either a way to fit in or stand out. I do my best to try to blend in with the crowd....

Not sure what type of answer you were looking for, but as an old sailor once said "I's am what's I's am".

Renne.....

[PaulaQ]

The thing is, WHAT makes you think you are so different? What % of CDing men, do you think would even come to a Forum to discuss it? There really is no "reasonable" way to tell just how many men CD.

About this - nothing - I'm in the same boat as many others on this forum. I don't know how common we are - I know we aren't well accepted in society, although this has improved.

I'm handicapped as well, and have been all my life, and I'm from a time before being handicapped was as well accepted as it is today. I'm tired of feeling different, and feeling as if I have no choice in the matter.

I'm sorry if I'm being whiny - I'm trying to figure out how to like this about myself. Because I hate the thought of having another existential crisis. Why can't I just be normal?

[Chickhe]

It was very hard to accept because I was brought up in a social environment that treated anything different as taboo. I mean, even in high school, it was considered odd to join the chess club or walk with a skip in your step...not that I was in to any of those things, but it seemed like every club was a clique also. Anyhow, we were even tought no to speak until spoken to and stuff like that. Even sex was something considered taboo. So...try dealing with all that and add in CDing. For most of my life I thought something was wrong with ME. How did I accept it? I figured out that I have nothing wrong with me...its everyone else (and its not that they are doing anything wrong, its that they don't have the required experience to understand). The great thing is, society has changed a great deal, all the taboos are way more in the open than they once were. You can do different things now and not be considered an outcast. So, just accept that you have some different interests, explore and learn about them and forget what anyone else thinks.

[PaulaQ]

I wouldn't so much say I've accepted this part of myself so much as I have discovered what i have always been and what those odd feelings and desires were about.

Thanks.

Depending on where I go, this gift is either a way to fit in or stand out. I do my best to try to blend in with the crowd....

Yeah, I'll never blend in. That is not in the cards. I don't blend in in guy mode. People stare at me all the time, and have for my entire life. I don't even notice it anymore, although it used to bother my wife enormously. Eventually, people around me get used to it too - or they don't hang around me.

[AllieSF]

First, me. I started late in life to crossdress, like almost 7 years ago, and I am legally old as of early last year. That gave me a lot of advantages when compared to those people who started this much younger. I am at a phase/stage of my life where I can see that bright light at the end of the tunnel, and I don't really want to reach the end. So, being older, mature and after having lived a fairly decent and uneventful life, my classification, it is much easier for me to decide not to question and worry about all this than it is for you younger people to deal with it.

Second, you. If you have had something that made you be different and stand out in a way all your life, and I mean stand out in a way that you do not really like, then I can see where it would be very easy to have your feelings about this and all your questions. In other words, you are not crazy for trying to understand this and not necessarily liking it. As you said, this lifestyle has its bright and euphoric moments, but can also have its darker side and side effects too. All I can say is that it is not bad, it is fun, so instead of fighting it why not try to find a way to fit it into your daily or periodic moments in life where you can enjoy it and then put it aside to get on with other things that may be more important to you. I wish you the best and keep us informed how you progress through this crazy maze of feelings, frustrations and doubts.

[Sister Rachel]

Paula, I'm with you on this, gotta go to bed now ( work in the am), but sending "friend request", we'll talk, girl x

[Stevie]

I really don't know exactly when I came to terms with it. But I do know there was a point that I didn't want anything to do with it. Answering this question leaves me confused on how I got to this point. All I can say is my feelings today are more of acceptance than denial. Why fight it.

[traci_k]

Finally gave up fighting the feelings
I'm 57 now and throughout my life have wished, have wanted, to be a woman. Gave it all up after first marriage broke up 16 yrs ago. Married a good Baptist girl and thought it was all behind. Then you see a GG with a short skirt, great legs and cute heels and think, would I love to try those on. Eventually I succumbed to the pink fog, bought some panties and skirt and wouldn't you know, my wife shortly thereafter found them. (I had told her before we got married that I had been a CD but that was all behind me.) Or so I thought, but like many people who have tried to purge it from their live by tossing everything, the pink fog rolls in again. Maybe I'm TS or CD but the fact is I love feminine things and how they feel, so I gave up fighting the feelings and accepted that this will always be a part of me. Then I finally got up the nerve to join the forum.
Wishing you the best in your struggles!
Hugs!

[PaulaQ]

All I can say is that it is not bad, it is fun, so instead of fighting it why not try to find a way to fit it into your daily or periodic moments in life where you can enjoy it and then put it aside to get on with other things that may be more important to you. I wish you the best and keep us informed how you progress through this crazy maze of feelings, frustrations and doubts.

I'm actually trying. Chatting on this forum, as Paula (I've never given this part of me a name or a voice), has made me realize that this is really a part of me.

I have all the typical problems others here have - a wife who doesn't know, kids, a career. I have a problem or two probably not as many here have. But we all have problems - and they are usually not easy for any of us. I get that.

But I sat down and ticked of my list of problems, and I began to question - if I were my wife, would I stay with a:
- handicapped
- ex-alcoholic
- cross dresser / transgender / who the hell knows what?
And I pretty much realized - yeah, ok, that guy is a write-off. Why would you stay with someone like that?
- maybe he'll lose the ability to walk (probable)
- maybe he'll start drinking again (ok, it's been > 20years, but you can't rule it out, ever.)
- and he wants to be a she, or dress up, or something? (yeah, alright, I give, that's the last straw.)

The overall weirdness of all of the above combined, just strikes me as absurd and ridiculous.

Sorry to be the forum attention strumpet. I really am having a hard time knowing how to feel about this. I feel cursed, I guess.

Doesn't help that the emotions this brings up scare the hell out of me, too. I am pretty conflicted, because part of me LOVES this. Love, love, love, love, loves. it.

I appreciate all of your replies, by the way. I'm glad I found this forum. (Although you may not be so glad I did!) This is the first time in my life I've ever felt comfortable about talking about this stuff. This is the first place where I've never lied about it in one way or another.

[MysticLady]

Let's face it. We're just a special bunch of folks

[ArleneRaquel]

Mystic Lady,
Your statement is so true.

Over the years I have become more and more accepting of my way of life, such as appearing as a woman, in many Gay Pride Parades since 1974, and even more so after I went full-time, virtually, in 2004. The latter fulfilled a life time dream. In the last two years, or thereabouts, I have accepting my sexually, which is Bi !

[Raychel]

We are all special folks, no doubt about that.

For me this has been a ong process, Of course I had alot of years that I was in hiding.
But since I have joined this forum and with the support and help of others, I have
grown to accept this is part of who I am. It has made my life alot more easier, knowing
that there are so many other people that have gone and are going thru the same things
that I have.

When I told my wife, it was a very stressful time for us both. But thru it all she has stayed with
me and supported me. Again with the help of others for her.

As I tell more people and they either say whatever or are totally cool and excited about it.
This only make my life easier.

I have told a long time friend, (just happens to be a GG) about my crossdressing.
and she is totally excited, Can't wait to go shopping with me.

I told my sister just today, and her reply was "that is all".

As more people accept me, It just makes it easier for me to accept myself.

[Angela Campbell]

I have known I was like this since my earliest recollections. I never really was ashamed of it, although I knew to keep it a secret. I never denied it. I spent a lot of time not doing it because I was married and did not want anyone to know. Last year I found myself living alone for the first time in my life and that is when I finally embraced it.

I can no more be ashamed of wanting to be a woman, and wanting to look like one, than I can be ashamed that I have blue eyes and I am short. It is what I am. No I do not wear a sign and tell everyone I meet but I do not tell them many personal things. There are many who fight the realization of what they are. Seek out others like us and meet them in a group setting. It may be that after you get to know others like us you will start to realize we are all just regular people after all. It's not the end of the world.

[Laura912]

But, Paula, you are not your wife so is it fair to her to think you know what she will think? Have you actually talked with her exactly about the things you have listed? Maybe you feel cursed but is it possible that cursed is not quite the right word? Maybe different, maybe challenged? None of us really asked for this but as you see by the responses, many have adjusted and come to enjoy the wider perspective this gives us. My career was helped by CD knowledge although I am essentially a closet case. How would your outlook be, if you could turn this around and view it as a possible asset?

[AnitaH]

Like Chickhe I grew up in an era that was anything but accepting of anything different. Adding to that I grew up in a religious environment that also is still intolerant of differences. I spent decades resisting this, suppressing this, trying any thing to rid myself of this "addiction." This active suppression lead to some major issues in my life causing my wife to demand therapy. This therapy along with a very embarrassing situation at a religious retreat forced me to reconsider some of my deeply held convictions. I was sitting around at a weekend music festival, with this new more open mind when I realized that this thing was not my "addiction" that I needed to cure it was me, I am she. I am comfortable with that knowledge now and at peace with it.

AnitaH

[Michelle M]

Paula,

Your issues are not unique. Many of us have been struggling, just like you.

Substance abuse is the wrong answer to every problem. I've been there too, I know.

If you want your wife to know, tell her. If not, don't tell her. Be advised, she will probably find out at some point.

This has been a part of my life since childhood. I was always there, but was allowed very little time for exploration. Only in the last two years have I had the opportunity to really come out and interact with the world.

I had a needy wife and three children in school, and I settled into a life of work, pay the bills, make sure the kids are provided for, then drink all night to forget my problems. Well, the "problem" didn't go away. I, Michelle, was the problem.

It's almost like two personalities, only you're a single personality with more than one face. I have now accepted my other half, and am exploring the world that this has to offer.

So, what's wrong with being different? I tried to conform for years, and it didn't work. So, I'm different. I don't fit in. I'm the only one on the job site with pretty hair and fingernails, and who walks gracefully. Well, Einstein didn't fit in. Alexander Bell, Napoleon Bonaparte (would probably be on this site), Bill Gates. Didn't fit in. I will be happy to join that club.

[UNDERDRESSER]

I've only started accepting this in the last 2-3 years, and most of the ability to accept it has come from the help this forum has given me. Thank you all.

The point where it really started to seem something that I could embrace, was when i told my soon to be girlfriend about it, and she...just accepted it, totally. "Oh Cool!" was her actual response.

I'm in my 50s, and I've been doing this completely in the closet for 40 some years. Most of that time I was SO careful not to be found out, I didn't understand why i did this ( still don't entirely ) spent some time wondering if I was gay, decided I wasn't, but that just left me more confused, ( why the hell am I doing this? )

Now, I understand that it started as a fetish, and that I've developed a liking for the fit, feel, and look of some items of female clothing. Or what most people consider to be female clothing. At the moment, I don't think I'll be totally happy until I can go out in a skirt, I'll accept a kilt, but i want to be able to do it fairly often, so being able to wear a suitable skirt without major hassles would be better. ( Kilts are expensive! )

PaulaQ, I think you need to learn to accept this in yourself, wherever the urge is coming from, it's not wrong, you're not a monster. None of us are. Having said that, this is not something accepted by the mainstream. I feel fortunate that my SO is so accepting, and I'm pretty certain I can carefully do more in public, But many of us live in places that we'd get beaten up or worse, most of us would just get varying levels of ridicule and harassment. How you deal with the need is dependent on your own situation, and how those around you respond to knowing. A lot of us must stay firmly in the closet, some can come out in a strictly limited circle of friends or loved ones, or in certain specific places. The fact that you hide it, is the problem of society, not in you.

[Amanda_Robinson]

It is interesting that you ask this question I have just recently come to terms with it. It began with curiosity of "what do those clothes feel like" or "What would I look like with make-up on". I liked the feel of women's clothes and enjoyed making my face up but that embarassed me. My wife discovered a receipt for makeup in my pants one day while doing the laundry and I had to explain myself. She thought it was cute and was relieved that it was for me and not some other woman.
Rather than bore you with the details of the next several years I will say there were 2.5 purges (the last one I just deleted every photo I had taken) and a bunch of fear and embarassment about the way I am. Embarassed of course about being different and afraid of what might happen when the embarassment went away. Once I started veturing outdoors and realized that the whole world does not stop to gauk at the amazon looking dude in a dress I became afraid of becoming too comfortable with it. So I retreated for several months. But now I am OK with it. I do not want to be a girl at all. In fact I enjoy being a man very much but the curiosity of "I wonder how that would look on me" still happens fairly regularly. It has taken quite a while but I am OK with that. Still a little embarassed about it but no more than I am about any of my other so-called imprefections. I think having such an awesome and loving wife has a lot to do with that.
~Amanda