I was at a Chinese restaurant last night with my SO, and we couldn't help but tune in to a conversation that was taking place at a table next to us. At this table, a white dude was chatting up that waitresses...and, doing what seemed like recalling every encounter that he ever had with a Chinese person.
It was pretty awkward, but you kind of see this behavior all of the time. I started talking to my SO about how you could flip the situation...a Chinese man sits at a table and recalls every encounter that he has ever had with a white, American dude.
Kind of awkward.
But, this sparked an interesting convo. What I proposed this guy was basically trying to let the waitresses know that he's hip with Chinese people...but, it's too weird to say that, so he kind of layered his implication with his language/examples.
Somehow, we got into this discussion about all the ways that we do/say things that have underlying implications.
(I swear this gets relevant to CDing lol).
I knew a girl from Connecticut who moved to Alabama for college. She loved the "Southern culture," but would fail to understand certain phrases that have underlying meanings. A few examples... When describing someone, one might say, "Well, I don't want to say that he's ugly...but..." In actuality, you just called that person ugly even if you framed it in a way that excuses yourself. Or, you might say, "She's just as dumb as a box of rocks...bless her heart, she's a real sweetheart though." You didn't bless her...you just insulted her while padding the insult.
Somehow, this lead to the way women "layer" our "language"...
When complimenting a friend who needs a boost, you might take yourself down a notch and raise her up a few. You might say, "Look at you in that cute little dress...you make me look like I grabbed mine straight out of the hamper!" This shouldn't be taken literally most of the time...you may feel that your friend looks great, but you don't necessarily truly believe you look like you rolled out of bed next to her.
But, even trickier...an insult disguised as a compliment. This one is hard to explain...and, my SO just shook his head in confusion. But, basically, lets say you overdressed for an occasion and someone wants to let you know that you're overdressed...maybe so you won't do it next time you meet with these people. Someone might tell you, "Well, don't you look fancy! You almost look like you're lost!" It's a compliment, an insult, and a warning all wrapped up nice and sweet.
It's known that your language actually shapes the way you experience and view the world around you. This was a problem for people translating Eastern concepts to Western language...certain meaning can be lost because not all concepts are easily translated. For example, one word from the Dao De Jing might take a whole page to try to explain that word/concept in Western terms. And, even still, the original concept is at risk of being lost...when you are translating something to your own language, you're viewing the concept from your preconceived lenses.
I think this is true beyond fundamental languages. I think that even something like being born in the "female culture" shapes a lense for language that might be lost when trying to translate it for someone outside that culture. And, even when someone feels they "get it"...are they truly getting it or is it just that they get it from their own perception of the event? (Yes, I know, everything is relative...and, that's kind of my point).
I wondered if this is why my girlfriends have some "communication" problems with their boyfriends. I know I'm even guilty of trying to find what a guy was "really" saying in his text message...only to find out he really just meant what was written and nothing beyond that. But, it seems in the female nature to dissect language to find a "true meaning." And, I can't help but wonder if this is because our way of communication is FULL of hidden meaning.
This brought us to a common thing that I see on this board...a woman said she was jealous of a CD, or did the common form of compliment where the GG will take herself down a peg to raise up another woman (in this case, a CD). So, when things are taken literally by the CD in question, I am often incredibly confused. But, I see time and time again that something was taken literally that lead the CD to make an assumption about GGs. So, for me, when I would tell my SO, "You're just too cute...you have the best pores for makeup, I am jealous because I can store loose change in my pores." Do I mean to compliment my SO? Yes. Am I really jealous? Nah. Do I really think my pores are That bad? Nah, but it put a smile on his face to compare in that way...he felt better and good about himself.
But, he also knows I think pretty highly of myself, so I'm not seriously putting myself down.
However, I often see here that a GG said she was jealous (usually in the form of a compliment)...but, when she went through the rollercoaster of acceptance/denouncement of CDing and decided she wasn't okay with it now, the CD goes back and rationalizes that "it's because she is jealous."
It's kind of weird to me when I see this, because I just see a failure in the translation of what was said to this person. And, it makes me wonder what else is said with "hidden" messages that women kind of just "get" on a day-to-day basis that could be lost on a MTF CDing SO.
And, another example that comes to mind is someone here who felt that he was successfully passing as a woman because a woman said "ma'am" to him. It was taken very literally that she meant ma'am because she obviously saw a woman. And, I hated to reply with news that this Might not be the case...the woman might just have seen someone trying to pass as female and wished to be polite.
A similar example is something that happened with my SO. This was one of our first times out and we were going to the movies. The person taking our ticket kept emphasizing "Ladies" in every sentence. It was almost tongue-in-cheek. I was fuming as we walked away. My SO was elated...he was just called a lady. The actual intention of the message was lost to him. And, I wasn't really thinking...should've let it go...but, was fuming enough that I shared my suspected intentions of the "ladies" with my SO. And, it burst his bubble a bit as a realization hit.
So, what I would like to know is do you think this could be an issue with some CDs not really understanding why their SO has suddenly become unaccepting? Also, when threads pop up in the "pink fog" where someone "passed" and decides to go whole hog with everything based on this experience...is it fair to burst their bubble and try to interpret what could be a missed translation? After all, it's all pretty relative...so, it's hard to know anyone's True intention by what they say. I do feel that being female sometimes makes me fall into a trap where I look for hidden meaning in language that doesn't exist...and, it seems like my girlfriends are also especially guilty. In our everyday speech, we rely on layering out messages...and, females are definitely not the only ones who do it (so, feel free to list your own experiences). But, is it something we should stress to those kind of caught in the fog? Or, is it best just to offer insight to people who might be using literal interpretations to say hateful things (usually about their wives lol).
This was just something that interested me and brought about a good convo with my SO. Sorry to those who TLDR and like for posters to just get to the point lol...I'm 80 at heart and I weave stories like it's my job.
Originally Posted by Lorileah
My name is Carol.
