Am I two separate persons?

[tamaralynn]

My wife's life would be easier if I never dressed up. All the fears of how far it would go and the fact that if I am also the girl, I really don't need her have been huge issues. It has been very hot and cold for many years. She actually wishes it would just stay in the bedroom, once in a while, and not more. It has always been tough, but she realizes how it means to my well being. It is dadt and tell all rolled into one. For the last 8 months, it's been icy cold.
Now to my point. I am home Saturday and she knows what my day will be like and brought it up. I told her I would "try" and hold off. She said no, she is just jealous that I am going to have a good time with her and she is not going to be there and not needed. That's when this question hit me. Does she emotionally deal with my dressing as though there is a different person? Then she still has her man all the time but is jealous that I want to be with this other woman which is me. Interesting on how she views this.
I told her that you don't even want her in the bedroom anymore and she said she never has minded once in awhile. She wants me and only wants here once in a while.
Anyways, I would appreciate any insight you may have. We really do have a great marriage and understand how tough it has been for her to come to terms with Tami's development. She has always tolerated it because she loves me. But is Tami the girl I am cheating with?
Sorry for long post. Takes a while for me to feel I have explained the gist of it.

[Lovepython]

I posted this previously but I'll post it again here because of it's relevance.

I view my masculine and feminine sides as part of a continuum of who I am. I'm fine with the masculine part. I can hang out with the guys and watch the occasional football game. I'm fine with the feminine side too although this can still be a challenge. It's difficult to dress a typical male frame up and make it pretty. For me it's still like putting a gorilla in a bikini. I do the best I can with what I have.

You'll notice from my ID I haven't taken on a female name. Somehow it doesn't feel right to me. Again I view my CDing as part of a continuum and not a separate entity. It's all me whether I'm expressing the masculine or feminine.

[Beverley Sims]

When coming out to your wife only do it in little steps as too much at once can overwhelm her and turn her off completely.

[genevie]

Say you are truly heterosexual. You have no desire for the same sex and are very happy with the opposite. You marry someone and are very happy. Then they ask for you to make love to someone of the same sex. How would you feel? Now also imagine that the person you married wants to look like the same sex all the time. You are used to feeling a little excited around them when not in the bedroom. Now that person is gone and has been replaced. DADT may be the best or at least dressing only when she is not around

[Shananigans]

Everyone wants to feel needed and wanted by his/her SO. Many women (and men) put a lot of pride in being "the one" that can just "do it" for her lover. She seems uncomfortable with your dressing, but is being as supportive as she can be because she loves you. She probably needs reassurance that you're still the person that she loves, and that she is the most important person in your life... I would actually be a little concerned if you were developing an alternate feminine persona that was detached from your core functioning to the point of feeling like you're "with another woman." So, neither of you should be feeding into that development; the development of a detached feminine-self from a person's core values tends to show a trend of toxicity on this forum (from my observations). And, in terms of mental health (and other spiritual and health-related goals), it is stressed that a person should be trending to be becoming a more unified, holistic individual. Compartmentalization IS often a way of coping with areas in your life that you find distressing.

So, I would first take a step back and evaluate how YOU treat the development of your feminine-self. Are you compartmentalizing? Could she be picking up on this compartmentalization?

Whether the answer is yes or no, you still should continue to be there for your wife. Let her know that you really appreciate her support of what you enjoy...let her know that you still love her and nothing could "replace her." Even if Some things seem obvious, it's still nice to have your SO reassure you every once in a while.

Often, CDing seems to cause a lot of "role distress" for the SO of the CD. Your SO had a role in your marriage that she felt was her arena...she had a role that she developed as her own. Now, she is having to redefine that role a bit...and, this could explain her saying that she feels "not needed." Stress to her that you absolutely DO need her.

If she continues to be uncomfortable and continues to verbalize these feelings, you may want to slow things down a bit. She WILL start to resent your CDing (beyond just a level of being uncomfortable) if she feels that it is forced upon her and that you don't really care about her feelings in the matter. So, you may want to cool it a bit...refocus on her and your relationship for a while. Once things are less "icy," you can begin the conversation with asking what she would be comfortable with...slowly introduce it back to her. And, try not to ruin the progress by going hog wild or feeding into any split persona type of nonsense.

Honestly, the fact that my SO never forced his CDing on me, progressed with the whole thing while gauging/respecting my level of comfort, and really took the time to make me feel like he was getting dressed/sexy for ME really helped me get to the level of support for him that I have today. And, we have rough patches just like any couple...but, when I am feeling "down" for whatever reason, he refocuses on me, listens to my concerns, and makes me feel that when he Does dress that it's for me. Obviously, he is also dressing for himself because he likes to CD...but, little things like wearing my favorite perfume, wearing the dress that I bought him, or surprising me with something makes me feel included, like this isn't forced on me, and like it's special.

So, that's my advice. It DOES require that you slow your roll a bit and refocus on your SO. Ultimately, what you do is up to you...but, know that she is expressing her feelings to you and telling you her frustrations (even if somewhat indirectly). The question isn't whether she sees the "crossdressed you" as another person, the question to be answered is why she feels uncomfortable with this and what can you do to fix it. Ignoring it will probably bring you more "icy" and eventually resentment.

Going about my advice isn't going to guarantee that she just goes wild about your CDing...maybe she will, and maybe she won't. But, it IS supposed to help her get comfortable with it enough that she doesn't feel like she is having this "role distress." And, even if she isn't crazy about it, her comfort level MAY help with this warming up this icy behavior that you feel that you are receiving.

[Marleena]

If you're two different people that makes it worse. You are then a split personality which can scare anybody! First step is to realize it's you in either mode. I'm sure that will help her understand too. Do more talking with her.

[Deedee Skyblue]

If you don't think of yourself as a different person in your two roles (rather than someone moving between roles or sharing roles), then you are probably not two separate persons.

Deedee

[Tracii G]

Sounds like you need to speak with a marriage therapist.I think this is a deep rabbit hole.
I'm not one to advocate therapy but in this case I would.
Shananigans is right on the money.
Many CD's in the pink fog shut out their SO and that is where issues like this get really ugly.
My advice is seek council and go as a couple.
I hope you can work this out.

[Jorja]

Yes, your wife sees you as two distinctly different people. This may have to do with the way you act when dressed and in drab. When in drab you are the strong manly man that she married. When dressed you become that little bitch that is stealing her man. As already mentioned, you need to let her know that you really appreciate her support. Let her know that you still love her and nothing could replace her, not even tamaralynn. If she fails to see you are one in the same, maybe some therapy is needed on both parts.

Remember, nobody said this was easy.

[AmyGaleRT]

For my part, I see myself as having a soul that's part female, leading to my dual selves, male-mode and female-mode. The female-mode part I have named "Amy." My ultimate objective is to be comfortable functioning in the "real world" in either mode, and to use these two halves to make my whole self a better person. But Amy is just as valid an aspect of myself as my male self is.

- Amy

[London]

Dont forget to tell your wife, YOU are still YOU. It may take some time and pro help, but maybe she can see your true soul and relize you are there for her still.

[tamaralynn]

Thank you so much for your advice and support. Thank you to Shananigans for taking the time to share your knowledge with me from the SO perspective. Everybody has given me a lot to think about. My wife is awesome and I tell her how lucky I am all the time. I am still me and still the one she fell in love with.

Once again, thanks to everyone who responded and dealt with the bad grammer. I blame the computer. Any other advice is always appreciated.

Tami

[Maria in heels]

Tamara...I see myself as two different people, and my wife recognizes this as well. She knows that Maria is a separate and totally different person, and has allowed Maria around the house for years. If she doesn't see Maria for a while because of things going on, kids, just life, she will comment and ask if Maria is ok, which is truly wonderful

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Tami, It sounds like you are both playing mind games.