is it ok to choose?

[DaniG]

I have two little kids. We talked last night and she is going to to therapy also again. She wants to me to be happy so she is going to see if she can work out a compromise. I think this will be a slow long process. I am just tired of the tension.

I think this is excellent progress. "slow long process" - you're right on the money. Be patient. Look forward to your relationship improving. The important thing is that you both want each to be happy and you're both willing to work through therapy to reach a situation that works for everyone. The rest is just having patience and faith and moving forward.

The other thing I would advise you to do is devote attention to your romantic life. Make sure that you spend time with her as the man she loves. Take her out. Buy her something now and then if you can. Do the little things you know she likes. Therapy and the compromise it will demand are going to put a strain on your relationship. That's a negative dynamic. Make sure you have a good healthy positive dynamic to balance it.

Good luck!

[BillieJoEllen]

I was given that choice a long time ago. We were separated for a year. I knew I couldn't live without CDing. Wife wasn't open to discussion. I am TS and dressing has become a major part of coping with that. When she came back I had to find space deep in the closet.

[Allsteamedup]

In the eighteen months since you have been out to your wife you have done just about everything you can to upset her.

At the beginning I advised work, the thorough, on-going, patient, thoughtful expressing to your wife what this meant to you. And for you to accept how much this was going to change life for her and your two small children.

Holding down a job and taking care of your family is a full-time job at the age of your children. Whenever you come on here you choose not to be specific about what upsets your wife. You always couch your problem in terms which will get you maximum sympathy without doing any work.

You took away from your wife any chance of choice when you married her ten years ago and forgot to mention your cding. In cowboy country that matters. She thought she was getting one of the boys, not a half-and-half.

Any compromises are going to be hers all the way. The worry about the children finding out. Your neighbours. Your macho workmates. The general level of stress on a young mother is enough without this.

Now she does have a choice. Unfortunately this now involves two small children. Either you step up to the plate as a decent father and husband or take all the dressing up time you want, all alone.

Of course, families can compromise. Most do not have a father dressing at home while the children are small-you go out to a support group. So you have to drive miles. OK. That's what it costs. As the children hit teenage, it gets more difficult....! You never know when they'll go searching for something, or bring friends back...

Your wife is looking for a future where your relationship does not play second fiddle to this other person in your marriage. That means a little less selfishness on your part and a whole heap more appreciation for the person who wanted to be the mother of your children.

There are good resources on this site for you to work through the most commonly-held fears that wives have about a developing relationship with a cder. You would be wise to spend some time studying them. It's a pity another twelve months has gone by since I last said that!

[Elle1946]

Choosing is not an option, you are who you are. If you can't be happy with yourself you won't be happy with anyone, all around will suffer. I tried several times to get rid of Elle, but to no avail she was still there. She is part of my mind just like my leg is part of my body. Why should we be required to choose and others not.

[Stumble]

All steamed up has said some challenging things. Think hard on them.