Moody and short

[Sami]

Hi all I am wondering who here that is still with a partner that doesn't know about your cross dressing suffers as I do. I get short and moody with my partner I get so guilty about the whole thing. I get guilty when I spend money I did think well if I learn to dress and do make up well then perhaps she maybe more accepting if she found out or I told her. I just get so guilty which makes me snappy towards her no one else just my partner this in turn is becoming depressing its so confusing the only thing I am sure about is Sami will be here to stay no matter what I have tried to giver her up and can't. GG s if you read this please help am I normal did your partners behave in this way before you found our. My life feels so complex all the time I hate hiding my secret but I am to afraid to come out the longer it goes the worse it gets.

[Amy A]

Hi Sami,

I never felt the moodiness with my girlfriend before telling her but it was certainly a problem with friends. I'm generally torn up with guilt about what I'm putting my SO through but she's very understanding and I couldn't ever go back to hiding secrets from people.
I don't know how you self-identify and how big a part of you this is but it is important to live a life thats true to yourself. I lived in fear for so long and was so scared of my SO or my friends finding out about me. I told my SO last year then have come out to close friends over the last month. The reactions have been amazing, and so far from what I convinced myself would happen.
There's lots of good advice on here about how to come out to your SO; jenniferathome's link is brilliant:http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/...t=#post2428087
If you do tell her and she is accepting then I'm sure she'd see the difference in your mood. Just remember to take it slowly.

Best of luck, you look great BTW

[celeste26]

So much can be written about NOT keeping those secrets in the first place.

[suzy1]

I have come out here over the years as someone that does not agree that we should always tell our wives. Every situation is different.
I know [from personal experience] that some of us are perfectly able to keep this part of our lives separate from our wives without any adverse affects on our marriage.

But if it is causing the sort of problems that you say it is then you should give serious consideration to coming out to you wife. It seems clear from what you have said that you are not the sort of person to keep this a secret from her. And it’s not fair on her either.

So the sooner the better perhaps?

And there is some super advice here on how to tell your wife Sami.

Good luck,

Suzy

[Ellanore G.G.]

I knew from the start, but didnt really know ?
He did not understand himself , what he was feeling,
So in turn could not express himself properly.
So he got all moody, and sad really.
Then if the kids were around and he got no time.
he would feel guilty, like he felt that he was wishing the kids
gone .
Even though its really great now, he still feels guilty that we ship the kids to nannys for a few days.
But its all good, they love going.
It Really is an individual thing, on whether to tell or not.

[Brynna M]

When I feel embarrassed or guilty around people I care about I get as you said moody and short. I feel as if I'm thought of as a bad person and judged.

The problem is that the person thinking and judging is me. Sometimes those bad thoughts and judgements about myself are deserved. (for hiding/lying)

Figuring out why you feel a certain way is a useful tool For me it almost always has the formula "I feel this way because I think this about my self"

I'll probably always have to work on recognizing when my feelings of discomfort are from my own thoughts and not take it out on other people.

[Jenniferathome]

Sami, you just described me before I came out to my wife. In fact, while we were out together in San Francisco a few weeks back (girls night out) we talked about how I was pushing her away, slowly but surely. She was as frustrated as I. She just couldn't understand what was going on and why I was being so distant. Hiding from her would have cost me my marriage. It's ironic that coming out saved my marriage.

Anyone here that reads my comments knows that I am an advocate of telling one's spouse. Either you drive them away by hiding and acting like an ass or you tell them and in all likelihood, she can deal with it.

Good luck

[Beverley Sims]

Sami,
On this forum there are a lot of threads about coming out.
I would read some of them and ask how to do it. The consensus is that you should do it and I say before the ski season starts and I would be looking to see what progress you have made by the time the white bait season kicks in.

Your mood swings are just going to damage the relationship you have , so in my opinion tell her as soon as you have a plan of action.
Do not send her emails or a text message, that is ludicrous although it has been done. I would write down all the points you want to make and then read them over carefully and write another lot. Do not present this as a letter either.

Have a one on one conversation at home. I do not advocate a nice meal before hand and then breaking the news, it does work better the other way around.
When you have rehearsed this speak quietly and if some difference of opinion comes up, back off and explain more at another time.
Don't worry about putting on a floor show, this is unadvised and wait until you are asked before showing the other you.
You wont have solved your problem by the end of the whitebait season as it will take time and you have to proceed slowly.
If you are very lucky and she is understanding you may get a quick solution.

Do not bet on it.

When I refer to "she" I do mean your partner.
May you both have an enduring partnership.

[Joanne f]

I happen to agree with Suzy1 in that it is not always best or wise to come out to your wife , I would much prefer it if this was possible for all and have a happy ending but sadly things can go wrong so unless you really know your wife's opinion on it I would suggest putting out a few small feelers to start with to test the ground as it is much better to at least try something than to just leave it and never know and the sooner you know the better it will be for both of you , even if you get a bad reaction from a few small things at least if you get caught in the future you can say " I did try once but had a bad reaction from you so I left it" sneaky I know but then so is hiding it

[Tracii G]

I agree with subtle hints maybe showing interest in how she does her make up.If she is getting ready and doing make up just casually say wow how did you do that?
I did this with a GF back in 2006 as she was putting on her make up I said wow that looks hard putting on mascara and not poking your eyes out.
She laughed and said not really here is how I do it.I sat down and watched.
She said I'll do yours if you want *giggling*I said sure go ahead.Thats how I came out to her in the beginning.A very small gesture on my part got the ball rolling.
Oh sure she had lots of questions and it took her a while to ingest it all but she was fine with it in the end.

[flatlander_48]

As we all know, the fact that we crossdress can have SERIOUS effects on our lives and our relationships. The thing is, whenever the discussion between you and your partner happens, it is better if it is on your terms. When people find out something as serious as this by accident, it is going to be hard for them to hear anything that you have to say. What is likely a better approach would be to initiate the conversation. Also, be aware that there are various ways of presenting the news. We hear bad news from time to time and it is never easy to accept. On the other hand, if the information is presented in a clear, concise way it tends to work out better. Think about this: how would YOU like to receive news like this? Axe in the forehead or something a bit more respectful and thought out?

Anyway, this conversation is going to have to happen sooner or later. However if it starts as a blowup, be aware that it may not end well...

[Emogene]

From what I gather, once we start cross dressing there is no going back, there is no known "cure" for want of a better term.

That said, you will have to have the conversation at some point. Will it be better or worse, now or later?

I would suggest that later presents any number of additional complications depending upon where you are in your life; ie children, property settlements, girl friend versus wife or long term partner, etc.

I would also suggest that any secret, no matter how closely held, will at some point be compromised as there is always some evidence be it physical or otherwise. Ladies are masters of observation, assessment and deduction; bits and pieces will add up at some point and they will come to conclusions. I heard a line the other day, something to the effect of "Buckle up Buttercup, we are going for a ride!"

Just saying!

God Bless and good luck!

[Thea Pauline]

Personally, I think Beverly makes some very good points which match up with my experience. Go slowly, explain well (and neutrally) and look for positive responses; but don't expect them...
See where things stand, as you're changing the entire dynamic of the relationship.

Good Luck!