Too paranoid to dress

[Nyla F]

I was not expecting my wife to come home for a few hours, so I got dressed, no makeup. After about 1/2hr heard a car door shut and the dog runs for the garage. I panic and run and get changed back into drab. I then can see that it was just a neighbor's car, nobody in the garage.

How can enjoy this being so paranoid? I even have really good reason to believe my wife won't be coming home early. I also worry about my adult son stopping by unannounced for a visit, even though he has not done that in a very long time, and the dog should give me some warning.

I'm not always this way.

Ok, starting over...

[Beverley Sims]

Nyla, you do have to consider coming clean with the wife.
It is one problem that you need to resolve.

[boink]

As Beverly says this might be the good time to start talking to your wife. I know it works for some, but hiding has plenty of potential bad outcomes for all involved.

[Nyla F]

I am sorta out to my wife. She is ok with me wearing panties, but no other women's clothes. We don't talk about the rest of it. It was a couple years ago when we last talked about it and she made it clear she didn't like talking about my CDing, so I guess it is kinda DADT. But at that time all I had other than panties was 1 bra and a pair of pantyhose, and she wanted me to come clean about what I had. Now I have about 3 outfits. I do want to be more open about this, but it is a very difficult conversation to have.

[boink]

it is a very difficult conversation to have.

Don't disagree with you in the least bit there, but the more you talk about it the easier it will be for both of you. While your wife may not be particularly keen on your dressing, she's probably going to be less happy if you continue to amass/hide clothes and dress in secret.

[Lacyfem]

Always love those who aren't married giving all this insightful advice to those who are married. Like it's a piece of cake to tell her.

[I Am Paula]

Okay, I am married. I think that trying to hide something as potentialy explosive as this is destined to failure. As difficult as it may sound, sometime before you get caught you should tell her. This is part of you, and should not be adding stress to your life. Marriage is a two way street, and sometimes you've just gotta say 'this is me'.

[PaulaQ]

Telling her won't neccessarily make it better, particularly since she's made it clear she doesn't want to know. The one thing you could maybe do is establish some boundaries for DADT - like have her text you if she's coming home early. (Not from the driveway!) It is implicit in these types of relationships, where one overlooks certain behavior of their spouse, that one limits the opportunities for surprise.

Or, you could install an app on her phone that tracks her location. The excuse for this would be "safety - being able to find her if she gets in trouble." This would be BS, and you wouldn't want to do it without her permission, but again, looking the other way is implicit in this type of relationship.

[AllyCDTV]

Being paranoid comes with the territory. If you want or need to hide it, just accept a certain amount of paranoia, come out to you wife and face the consequences or quit quit crossdressing - if you can. Or you could just welcome the rush you get in doing what it takes to maintain your secret. Nothing gets the heart beating like trying to get back to drab before the wife catches you, except maybe driving the car at 120 MPH through traffic or being shot at.

[BlairP]

I just came clean with my wife after 10 years of hiding it. it has been a month and a tough one at that. I learned that my wife doesnt care if I wear a dress (and may even like it) but she is so pissed at me for hiding it for so long. She may never get over it (her words) and I understand. I wish I would have told her sooner. I missed out on 10 years of sharing an important part of who I am with her. I feel like a fool but at least I came clean.

[Stephanie47]

lacy. I have to agree with you. I see you're 59. I'm a little older than you. Nyla's wife already stated she is opposed to cross dressing, except for wearing panties. She may consider wearing panties as a fetish, which is far short of being a cross dresser. So, the wife says she is opposed to CDing and does not want to discuss it. I think my wife expressed the same sentiment back in 1983. And, my wife was a willing participant for awhile. There is no sense forcing discussions when one party wishes not to participate. Yes, we drifted into Don't Ask, Don't Tell.

It's difficult to have a discussion with somebody who does not want to participate. I love it when people give advise not knowing the CDer and his wife. I always love those words such as "probably." Sooner or later there may be a dust up. And, when that happens they can have that discussion.

This is a totally different situation than not coming clean with a woman before tying the knot.

Always love those who aren't married giving all this insightful advice to those who are married. Like it's a piece of cake to tell her.

[Nyla F]

This was my first original post on this forum, and the responses took me a little by surprise. I didn't expect the conversation to go in this direction. Yes, it causes me some stress to not dress how and when I want, but being out in the open to my wife, would just cause other stresses. After many heartbreaking talks in the past we both realized we can't have what we each want. I can't make her like seeing me in feminine clothes and she can't make me not be a crossdresser.

I will some day have to have another talk with her. It is inevitable, we have them every few years and we are probably due for one. When we talk I promise to remember to set boundaries for DADT such that I don't have to feel guilty about it.

In the mean time, I think Ally summed it up quite nicely. Welcome the rush.

Thanks everyone!

[Lynn Marie]

In a very strange way I kind of miss the subterfuge of hiding from the wife and community. There was this sort of secret agent kind of thing going which was kind of like a little spice in my life. Of course the added stress could have contributed to my having a heart attack 15 years ago. Happily I'm unattached now and dressing is a lot more routine. I will say that my wardrobe sure has improved though!

[~Joanne~]

I agree that telling your SO or wife is far from easy and that we should stop from making it sound as if it is. A lot of dressers don't go into marriage to deceive anyone. they are hoping that "settling down" will cure all of this. We, unfortunately know different. There is nothing easy about telling someone this as, while you may find it normal, society as a whole doesn't through all of the social norms that are drilled into our heads from birth.

I do agree though that you should have the talk before marriage if possible. If you can muster the courage and you know at this point that "this" isn't going away and this person is the person you want to spend your life with. I hate to make it sound like a tool but you can actually learn a bit more about the person you are going to marry BEFORE you walk down that isle. The down side is that your also giving them a tool to use against you if you don't want this spread to whomever will listen.

Nyla, I am sorry to hear that your wife wants no part of this. A lot of women don't. I got extremely lucky with my SO but I knew the kind of person she truly was within the first two weeks of dating her. The worst thing you can do is try to push this on her. If you do she will become extremely resentful and hateful in time.

We both know this doesn't go away so dressing while she is out is your best option but please be careful of tell tales. Your dog is an early warning system, I mean, it's the reason we have them sometimes I can't count how many times I made the same mad dash as you to change back because my dog told me she was home before she hit the door or even got out of the car but dogs do tend to like to bark at just about everyone and everything. It is what it is I guess. paranoia is going to be a part of it. It's the reason a lot of us stay inside.

[kimdl93]

Yeah, I'm happily married too, so I think I can chime in and suggest that, yes, its time to begin a nice long series of constructive conversations with your wife about your desire to dress. Right now, you're living as a captive in your own home. That can't feel good..and it may take its own toll on your psyche and your relationship.

[Lorileah]

How can enjoy this being so paranoid?

One of two ways. Fess up (I would) or take the "I don't care about my family's feelings and if they catch me...who cares" attitude. Personally I think you like the rush

[STACY B]

LORDY ,, I can still remember those days ,,, Like it was yesterday ,,lol,,,

[Angela Campbell]

Paranoia served me well for 50 years. I never once got caught or even suspected. Plan ahead if you want to keep it secret.

[Karren H]

The truth will set you free.... of your marriage... your family... your livelihood.... the truth isn't the solution to every situation.... I typically don't dress unless I can stay that way for 8 plus hours..... just not worth it...

[Nyla F]

Lorileah, I wouldn't say I like the rush of scrambling to not get caught, but convincing myself it adds to the thrill sure makes it more fun!

Joanne, I have this memory from back when we were engaged of showing her ( or her finding) some panties I bought for myself. After marriage, the next half dozen or so times she had to confront my cross dressing she would say how she wishes she had known before we got married. A couple years ago, our last big "talk", I told her about this memory and she seemed to think it might have really happened. Both of us had been in denial for probably the first 15 years of marriage.

[Tiffanyselkoe]

I didn't tell my wife for 20 years. When I finally did, she said "that's it? I thought you were having an affair." I should have spoke up years ago. We are happier now than we've been in years.

[Megan Thomas]

Nyla, the only way to avoid your situation is to take your dressing to another location, one where you really do control who arrives and when. Springing to mind off the top of my head is either a motel or a like-minded friend/club you could go to. As long as you remain at home doing this under those circumstances nothing will improve, except perhaps the speed at which you can change back to drab mode!

[Cheryl H]

I can remember having moments like this. A few months ago I was spending the day at home and had a chance to dress. The wife and kids would not be home for hours and I had the house to myself. Then about 3:30 there was a knock at the front door and I heard it start to open. I was in the upstairs living room in full fem with all the makeup, clothing, shoes, etc out. Turns out it was the next door neighbors 9 year old kid who has a bad habit of just letting herself in when she thinks either of my sons may be home. I yelled downstairs that she could not come in and the boys were not home. She didn't see me.

In panic mode, I quickly changed and washed my face. I then called her mother to have a talk and remind her daughter that she cant just walk in and should knock first, as I was home alone and not "decent". Which was true I guess. I left the impression a 9 year old girl was about to walk in on a 40 something man.... Imply what you want there.

This is the closest I've ever come to being "caught".

However my wife does know of my crossdressing and is mostly supportive. I will go out in fem from time to time. Just not in my own neighborhood.

[DaniG]

The truth will set you free.... of your marriage... your family... your livelihood.... the truth isn't the solution to every situation.... I typically don't dress unless I can stay that way for 8 plus house..... just not worth it...

Holy Hanna! That sounds like pure luxury. With a busy home life for my wife and kids, I'm lucky to get an hour or so. Sometimes I dress for just twenty minutes so I can relieve the pressure and breathe again. But you take what you can get.

At least I don't have to worry about being paranoid. I told my wife from day 1 and I don't like to dress when she's home, but if she catches me, it's no big deal.

[Cheryl Ann Owens]

In my first marriage the ex knew before we got married, and she supported me. But then children came along and she wanted me to stop. Well, any CD will tell you that's almost impossible. That's where I had to hide it, and the tension mounted. Our marriage became strained because this started to affect other parts of our marriage. After awhile neither of us could take the tension and we ended up in counseling. This was in 1980. Back then the counselor was expected to "cure" me and she bagged up all of my girl things to put in the trash. I almost cried. Yeah right! I abstained but I just couldn't stop. It wasn't long after with arguments and all that she was filing for a divorce.

After I got an apartment, I made some out of town discreet shopping trips for a couple nightgowns and pantyhose and pantys. I felt awesome and alive again! It was a wonderful feeling.

Now in my 30's I dated a few women. A couple knew after I just laid bare my soul. We're still good friends BTW and one was even an Avon sales rep who later helped me. Another even gave me some of her gently used clothes. Then it happened. I started dating the lady who is my wife today. I very cautiously felt out her attitudes and eventually told her I had a condition that has been with me all my life. I also told her that I can't change it---it is my personality. And if she wanted to end the relationship I would understand. We both then started painting and pointing out the positives of the relationship we already had. Our attitudes about the rest of life were very similar. In time our relationship grew around the whole spectrum including my GID. Eventually she was buying things for me and we were enjoying the secret part of our lives.

I'm not going to give any advice. Everyone and every situation is different. At least I was able to bring many other qualities into our relationship with my CDing as an aspect of it. I think she's happy knowing that we have financial stability, a nice home that we've fixed up together, I have no interest in other women, I'm not cruising bars, etc.. That's where my CDing is a harmless activity. I only mention this because there are worse things a wife could be worried about.

I will give some advice though. A marriage is built on mutual trust. Should a partner suddenly discover the CDing, it could possibly raise other questions as in, "What else are you hiding from me?!" I know it's risky but for anyone like us forming a relationship with a woman, I found that honesty and sincerity is the best policy before walking down the aisle. My wife once told me that was the best thing I did along with us both divulging other things. It has caused me to overcompensate, which I don't mind, by treating her like a queen, acting responsibly, respecting her feelings, and overall making her life the best it can be. In return she loves and rewards me.-------often with something she thinks would look nice on me. :-)

I hope this helps especially for those entering into a relationship.

Cheryl Ann