If either party isn't comfortable with DADT, then it won't work. It works when both parties ARE comfortable with it. And there's nothing wrong with "comfortable", if it allows them to move along successfully with the other aspects of their marriage. Once again, DADT works for those who make it work.Originally Posted by Eryn
Frankly, a relationship between the husband and wife over cross dressing that entails outright hostility and name calling does not qualify as Don't Ask, Don't Tell. DADT requires the CDer does not flaunt his cross dressing in front of the wife, and, the wife does not express any affirmation or negative behavior about his cross dressing. My wife is not supportive, and, I do not intentionally bring it up. There have been on occasion slip up on my part by leaving out a pair of nylon panties and once a red bra. She picked them up and placed them on top of the washing machine out of sight. She told me she found them out and had placed them there. Nothing more was said.
As to why a CDer would hang around and take constant abuse and negative comments? Why do women stay in a marriage when the husband beats the shit out of her?
Yes, I think many women, who have a head on their shoulders, DO weigh the scales of the marriage. And, in the final analysis they come to the conclusion it's a part of him she does not understand.
When I went fishing with some buddies many years ago, all she said was "Go fishing! Just don't expect me to clean it!" It's been the same, although unspoken, "Go ahead and wear a dress. Just don't ask me to go along."
It would seem to me that love is conditional... "I will love you as long as you conform to my opinion of the kind of person you should be."
Of course, I will soon have an ex wife (God and the court willing) and I am way past caring what she thinks anyway. It would seem to me that it should not matter what clothes we put on. It does not change the essential nature of the personality.
You may guess that I think DADT was outlawed for the military it should have no place in a marriage.
JMHO
Cheers
Annette
Let me start out by saying cd'ing is a big shock to your spouse. My wife and I have been together for 43 years and I have cd'ed virtuially all my life. Went through many years of dadt, but she accepted it and even on special occautions bought me some lingerie. But never had desire to see her man in a dress. We are each others best friend, we work together everyday. I used to travel to detriot and edison n.j. for buisiness and she neverminded packing my lingerie for trip. As with time and trust she know I was always coming home and would never do anything to upset her with dressing. As time went on I would sleep in nightgowns and she came around to feel comfortable. This does not happen overnight, we now are like teenagers all over again, life is too short for hate,as we both see loss of friends(DEATH) accepting cd'ing is a minor. LOVE and TRUST will prevail!!! peace and grace to all. Grace and Lucy
DADT ws imposed by the military. The other side never wanted it, but didn't have much choice. DADT in a marriage is an agreement - between both sides - or it isn't DADT. Apples and oranges - they just share the name, unfortunately.
My wife and I are best friends. That is all at this point. My coming out was the begining of DADT. Now I have to put up with her condesending tone and slights when she feels in the right. For me I want to stay married at least until my kids are out of the house. I feel like giving up and getting a divorce. In most of the DADT relationships here it seems there is compromise. There is none in my situation.
I'm sorry but these topics piss me off a bit. DADT. Really?
Your spouse married you and didn't expect:
1. You became a religious zealot.
2. You starting smoking and demanded to do it around her.
3. You started a hobby that required you be gone for long periods.
4. You want to be another sex for extended periods.
I could keep going. Marriage has some level of a contract. We expect that who we marry will be who we are married to. I know. We age. There are changes. But expecting her to just love you when you turn into a woman is expecting a lot. For those of you who are married to accepting wives. Fantastic. But really, it is expecting a lot. Your basic identity is wrapped up in our sex. "Now you want to change it?"
But you'll say, it's just clothes. How would you feel if she wanted to grow a beard?
Oh wait, my wife is going to call and tell me she is on her way home. That means I have to take a bunch of stuff off. She's worth that. That's what we committed to. But I also wish it were different. Maybe someday.
Last edited by genevie; 04-17-2013 at 07:04 PM.
Gen
My wife and are currently in a DADT agreement. She doesn't want to see anything or participate. We were married over 25 years before my coming out. It was rocky shortly thereafter until we saw a gender experienced counselor. She pointed out that we are the same people today that we were before my coming out. She now knows that it is not something that can be fixed. She has set some ground rules, we have not had any big fights since. If I leave something out by accident, she will quietly put it with my things. She makes a point to call when she in on her way home if she thinks I may be dressed, and she will point out the kids schedules if she think one of them may come home and I may not expect. I would classify it as tolerant. I am hoping she will warm up a little more over time. She accepts that I epilate everything I can reach and she shaves my back. I actually think she likes the no hair.
I'm going to try Karen's trick this year and do the Kitchen.
It looks like Vanessa and I are in the same exact situation. We are great friends with our wives but thats about it. She doesnt tolerate me dressing in womens clothing at all. She makes snide remarks if she sees me trying to push the boundaries. I have basically given it one year to figure out if things are going to work. My kids are still young so it really bothers me that they may have to go through this, but life is too short to settle for being unhappy.
I'm currently doing DADT. I hope my wife will eventually come to accept this about me at some level. I don't really see DADT as a viable long term solution for us. I'm not sure I can emotionally handle feeling like I make my wife sad all the time, simply by being myself, particularly when I didn't ask for this. I'm not sure that our relationship, which is based on honesty, can survive long term based on deception, even a mutually complicit deception.
I really hate doing this - in some ways this feels worse to me thank trying to sneak without her knowledge. Because now, I know for sure she hates this, and if I do make a mistake and get caught, I'll hurt her terribly.
The sadness of all this is just terrible right now. This is not living, it's living-death for both of us.
Interesting points of view on this one, some very enlightening. Like everything else with dressing, it isn't easy to generalize or find a one size all solution for everyone. Some women are just completely turned off by dressing and no matter how hard you try, they are never going to like it. Others are much more like the GG's here, and see no problem. And every CD prioritizes their time and money differently, for some of us this isn't as important as it is for others. I don't have to deal with open hostility in every aspect of my life just because of dressing so I can't comment on that. But if you're marriage is very good in all respects except for dressing, you do have an outlet to dress when its necessary, and your wife supports everything you do with the caveat that she would rather not know about this part of you, DADT can work.
Well, it finally happened. Living with DADT is no longer an option. My wife and I had a very long discussion about how yes, things have been getting better between us but crossdressing was something that hasnt changed or diminished. We talked for a long time and things did not go well. I was essentially given 3 options. First, to completely stop crossdressing all together and not pick it up again. Second, to divorce and and be who I am on my own. Third, to continue openly instead of privately and know that it is painful to her every time.
Well, I am not a D-bag and dont even consider the third a viable option. So that leaves me with two. Stay and stop, or leave and continue. Since she gave me this nice fancy ultimatum, I gave her one as well. If I stop, she has to dress for both of us, all the time, every day. All the things I WANT to be able to wear, she HAS to wear them. Oh, were not going anywhere tonight?? Looks like you still need to wear heels around the house. Since this has become such a "gender" issue, by God, shes going to be treated with the same "respect". Shes going to be the female...no more baggy sweatpants, no more tennis shoes or old tshirts. Not a chance. If Im changing a major part of who I am, then you better believe she will be too.
Later that day, I got to tell her all that. She agreed to some, but not all of it. So, sadly, I will not be dressing anymore. I feel my heart has literally broken and its hard to find joy throughout the day. But, if this is what she wants, this is what she gets. She can have her manly husband who doesn't give a crap about anything anymore. Maybe Ill even take up watching sports and get obsessed with it and drink beer all the time and be super "manly" for her. Ill bet shell love that.
I apologize for being so brash. I am still rather upset and heartbroken. She thinks that with this out of the way, we will have the opportunity to grow as a couple and Ill be the man Im supposed to be. Personally, I think this is going to backfire in her face like an old Blackpowder rifle. I think this argument/conversation we had has basically set the timer on the time bomb. Oh well. I will still visit crossdressers.com and try to participate; but no offense, it might be hard since I will be super envious of you guys. Having it on my mind will just make it that much harder to keep the sexy cute beast in his little box in the corner. GAH! I just feel like crying all the time now. This blows...
Oh Eva, so sorry for you, and your wife. You're right, this is not going to be what she thinks. It might though, help her to see the thing through your eyes. Maybe I'm an optimist...
Stay cool, ( as cool as you can ) think through as much as you can your behavior, your responses. Be honest above all. When asked why your response is so typically manly, say isn't that what you wanted? Oh, so, it's alright to have some, feminine in me? I don't know what you're like, but I know I am able to relax more when I can put on a skirt, not so much the skirt itself, but the fact that it is just completely accepted to do so, my GF's total acceptance of who and what I am, means everything is so relaxed around each other. In fact, the acceptance problem is more the other way for us. My GF is an extremely tough person ( mentally mostly, but she's no slouch physically ) She constantly amazes me with her accomplishments, and she is forever pushing further. It is sometimes hard for me to not feel small when she does some of these things, there is an automatic feeling that "I" should be the one being the leader. Letting that feeling go, is a constant struggle, though the reflex is getting less pronounced. I have to remember, Her strengths do not make my weaknesses. Getting your wife to understand that being softer sometimes, does not mean you are always that way, you can be her shield if she needs one, just as in other ways she can be your shield or support when needed. A good marriage is one that buttresses and strengthens the other partner. Every partnership needs to work out who, what, when, and it can change.
"Normal is what you get when you average out the weirdness that everybody has." Quote from my SO
Normal is a setting on a washing machine, or another word for average.
The fact that I wear a skirt as a male should not be taken as a comment on what you do, or do not wear, or how you wear it.
Eva Lynn, you have no obligation to choose between bad choices, just because you are issued an ultimatum. You have a fourth choice - continue to dress, in private.
I'm not a fan of the "I'll dress like a man but you have to dress like a woman" arrangement. What good is it if neither of you are happy?
Divorce? Sadly, some women simply cannot tolerate a crossdressing husband.
Believe me, I not a huge fan of the whole Ill dress like a man you dress like a woman thing either. I know I sounded angry earlier and part of that was just venting. When I talked to her about things, I basically worded it as in....listen, I need your help with this. If Im not going to be allowed to do this on my own, I want to see it everywhere. No, its not going to be the same. Yes, its going to be terribly hard to actually do this...and I explained why it was going to be hard and all that. And in all honesty, she didnt like the idea. She was saying...so your telling me I will need to dress up every day regardless of whether I am going anywhere or not?? I just explained, listen...you're not dressing up for no reason. I am your reason. Just like YOU are my reason for not dressing anymore. I am doing this for you. She was like...I dont want you to do it for me, I want you to do it for you! I told her this isnt like a drug where if I dont stop, Im damaging myself with negative health effects. I personally dont think there is anything wrong with it and this is a major sacrifice to her and for our marriage. I worded it the best I could in the kindest manner I could. I was terribly unhappy and terribly hurt the whole time and now I feel like I have this giant empty space in my chest. I dont think the end result will be what she was hoping for or expecting, but Im going to just have to take it one day at a time. As or right now though, I feel like I am suppressing a major part of who I am. It sucks.
Eva Lynn, I feel for you, and I can appreciate that your wife doesn't like, understand, nor approve of your CD. But it sounds like this is a part of your identity, and your attempts at stopping it are liable to fail eventually. (Or it is likely to really screw you up - that's certainly been my personal experience, both in terms of failing to stop, and in terms of terrible, terrible problems I've had from trying.) So in the first place, I'd encourage you to not make a promise you are apt to break, and possibly hurt yourself trying.
Ask your wife this - would she ask you to cut off your left hand to prove your love for her? Because that's in essence what she's asking.
To those with DADT that is not mutually accepted by both but rather breeds only tension I turn to wise words of Confucius, he said:
"It is much better to want the mate you do not have than the mate you do not want.'
Postponing the inevitable until the kids fly the nest is a fool's dillusion --- make no mistake they feel the hostility more, and does more damage to their psyche when parents stay together in that atmosphere.
Julie
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