Chapter closes.

[vivian fair]

Age and being alone finally dictates an end to Vivian's outward presence,ie,clothing,accessories and transformation items. Many of the items went on to others such as we,while most of it was donated to good-will type activities. In all many hundreds of dollars spent to transform my male self into my female identity. Sometimes quite adept at doing so,but lately not so well. And while the desire remains very strong the thought of my family discovering the copious amount of evidence is un-nerveing,to say the least! I have engaged in self transformation for seventy years. Quickly learned to keep the activity very secret! By age 17 was dressing and traveling coast to coast by POV on several occasions. Have enjoyed many outings as "Vivian" all over the U.S. and many foreign countries. Solo in the states but most often accompied by a like minded native in the foreign areas.So it is now I say so long to my dressed life,which I know will linger in memories of younger times. vivian fair

[biggirlsarah]

That's really sad , I'm feel sorry that you feel that you have come to this point , love to you Sarah xxxx

[flatlander_48]

You might give some thought to writing this down. Sounds like a lot of interesting times...

[Kate Simmons]

I had also intended to retire a few years back Vivian but my friends (many here) wouldn't let me. The question sometimes remains: "Are we who we are for ourselves or others?" Haven't answered that one yet but it remains a work in progress. I wish you well.

[Sara Jessica]

Unfortunately, this type of decision results from interpersonal non-disclosure. I hope you are able to find peace with your choice.

[Eryn]

Vivian, your situation makes me feel sad. I have a friend who destroyed decades of memories, including albums of pictures of her and her late wife from vacations all over the world, simply because she was afraid of what her adult children would think after she passed away. CDers face many demons and I think that the worst ones are our own worries.

[suzy1]

You are only 70 years young Vivian? Could you not keep a few items of clothing somewhere safe?
I worry that you will get a bit down over this.

I too am not out to my family and never will be. But I will not let that stop me from being who I am.

[Barbra P]

With age comes the realization that we can’t get away with wearing the same clothes that someone half our age wears. In a few short months I’ll be seventy and I no longer wear the same things I did when I was in my forties, but that is the same adjustment that GG’s my age have had to make as well. In a local support group there is a CD in his nineties (who dresses full-time) and it is very difficult to tell who the real GG is when he and his wife come to meetings.

Sure I miss the high heels and the short skirts, I think my legs still look good enough to get away with wearing the skort in warm weather, and in cooler weather I like to wear a pair of women’s jeans. In the last week or so I’ve found a couple of nice print blouses and I can now wear blouses with short cap sleeves or even sleeves blouses now that I don’t have masculine looking arms. I always wanted to wear sleeves blouses when I was younger but my arms looked terrible in them. With the right wig, shorter than what I wore when I was younger, I don’t think I look anywhere near my true age. I’ve also toned down my makeup, especially my eye makeup; I still wear eyeliner, some shadow, and mascara; I usually go for a subtle subdued smoky-eye look, avoiding bold colors. One advantage to the senior look is that few people pay as much attention to you.

Most if not all of my neighbors have seen Barbra and a few of the women on our street have asked me to go along while they walked their dogs. I’d spend more time as Barbra, and more time out and about but my Wife more or less restricts my dressing to one day a week and she doesn’t feel real comfortable about my venturing out. My advancing age hasn’t made me want to hang it up, if anything I want to spend more time as a woman now. If I lived alone I don’t know if I would spend 100% of my time enfemme but I’d certainly spend a lot more of my time enfemme than I currently do.

[Beverley Sims]

Vivian, I have read your post a couple of times now, and from my heart I reply.

I have tears in my eyes as I write this, because for over seventy years you have had to hide your joyous activities due to outside influences.
At seventeen you had it all before you, youth, looks and an optimistic future.
It seems to have been quelled by societal outlooks and non acceptance of what you were doing.
It appears to me you never met any one to share your life and you did it alone.
You did enjoy yourself but I am saddened that you could not come out to any one.
Maybe you should try and contact some of those like minded natives.
They may be on the internet these days.
Do you really have to give it up or are you going into aged care?
If that is the case keep those memories strong and use the internet and this forum as support for yourself.

My thoughts will be with you for a long time.

[Stephanie47]

Hi Vivian, I went back and read your introductory post. I see you're now 75 and a widower. You told your two children, when it was appropriate. If you still have the urge, and, therefore, maybe the necessity to be en femme, maybe you should explore other options. If you're afraid of passing on, and, neighbors or friends discovering you're interest, maybe the answer is downsizing. If you're in a locale where your wife was not known, then, your wardrobe could be attributed to her?

I kind of view it as the Peanuts character, Linus, needing his security blanket.

[Lisa Gerrie]

Vivian, are you moving to a place (perhaps assisted living) where you would be too self-conscious to dress?

[MissTee]

Gosh, Vivian, that's so sad. I'm in my mid fifties and I have to honestly say I sometimes worry about something medically quirky striking me when I least expect it. Worse, being dressed when it happened. My wife knows and supports my CD-ing, and she'd provide cover fire best she could. The kids would likely be wierded out. Beyond that . . . .

Nevertheless, Cd-ing is a part of me. Can't let go of it if I wanted to. Best of luck to you, dear.

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Vivian, I'm 70 and been dressing for 65yrs. and at this point I have no intention of changing my dressing
I just can't imaging what you must be going through.