How to know who to tell and who NOT to.

[Greenie]

Hey everyone.

My BF and I have run into a dilemma. On this journey we have been discussing a lot who to tell about his CDing and who not to. This has been really hard for us because in the last month someone we chose to tell... Lets call them T from here on out. Has not been the best confidant.

So I work with a girl named T. She is one of the most outwardly accepting people my BF and I have talked to. She is bi, has a best friend who is a lesbian who is married to a FtM transgender. I thought she was a great friend and mf BF loves her as well. We discussed telling her, because well BF wants some people besides me he can feel comfortable in front of, and his family and friends are not that person.

I recently found out she has told other coworkers. both my BF and I are distraught. We don't know who knows and what they know. But people we didn't tell have been told a different part of the story.

How do you decide who to tell or not? Say you make a mistake like this and tell the wrong person.... Have you done it? What would/did you do? And lastly any advice for our situation in general?

[nikkijo]

It's only taboo if you make it taboo. Openly discuss it and its easier to just be open. But if you deny it it gets ugly fast

[Kelley]

When you tell people you should tell them that it is is strict confidence. Other wise they my assume you are comming out and soon everyone will know and it's OK to tell.

Kelley

[Kate Simmons]

You have to be careful Hon. The old expression "Loose lips sink ships" didn't come about by accident. Sometimes we just have to rely on our gut feelings in this respect. That's a bit easier for myself since I'm empathic and can sense feelings. It can be somewhat of a crap shoot if we don't pay attention. I think the best rule of thumb is don't say anything to anyone you are not comfortable in saying. Not everyone has our best interests at heart, including some so-called friends.

[Stephanie47]

The best kept secrets are kept by one person. I can understand wanting to validate one's lifestyle by gaining acceptance from others. I wouldn't get dolled up and drop over to a neighbor for a beer, and, not expect a different reaction. The neighbor probably has become a friend based on interaction up to the point of me knocking on the door in a dress and heels. If a cross dresser is seeking interaction with others to validate himself, sometimes I think it may be best to establish new relationships through a support group or social setting accepting of cross dressers. Sometimes, "Hey, mom and dad, do you like my dress and heels?" does not work well.

[Leah3723]

I've not been dressing long. Only in underwear and a dress indoors. However my wife and I have had a great chat. And now we want to take things further go to a pub/club etc and find new friends on the way. I know it's hard to tell the people you love. But it's such a weight of your shoulders. I can be who I want to be and so can you.

[Marleena]

I identify as TS but I see no reason to tell anybody if you (your SO) are CD. If you just have to you should have a feel for who you can trust but then again sometimes it doesn't work out that way either. Confusing, yes. Once it's out there it can spread like wildfire.

[Cheryl Ann Owens]

While it's nice to have some people know so you can enjoy a warmer friendship or relationship, why else would anyone need to know? In the past year I started to tell, 60 years later except for counselors I've talked with. I've told 4 women friends from the past from our school days. But before I did I carefully built up my friendships with them and followed my gut feelings about them because it just felt like a relief to have some others know. For one thing I would listen if they talked about other people and maybe divulged other's secrets, or if they had a tendency to gossip. I did stress confidentiality and trust issues.

I've known for years that people knew and talked behind my back at work before retiring. Maybe one or two were unkind to me but they never came right out to say something to me. Some were distant but most were okay and even kind. My attitude carried me through the worry. I recently learned that my wife's family somehow found out about me well before we married and that's over 20 years ago. Then I told my wife about it. We were both shocked that no one said anything to us. So we don't know who knows. I'm not going to obsess over it. I just act as myself and that nothing's wrong. No one has hassled me over it.

Cheryl Ann

[2B Natasha]

The real question I have for you is. What has T been telling everyone? Has it been derogatory? Kind? Informal? Is T trying to get one over? Is T's real motivation so that the work environment is easier and more excepting? HAve yo talked to T about this and what did they say?

Fortunately or unfortunately one cannot tell how people are going to react once you tell. will they keep it to themselves or post in on Facebook. Nobody knows.

Before one tells another soul about this or anything else, one must ask themselves if they are ready for their " Secret " to no longer be a secret. I used to feel the same/ It's my secret and if I tell you , you, you can't tell anybody swear on it. But I changed that after reading what someone on these boards wrote once. They said, and I'm paraphrasing now. That once you tell someone you cannot expect them to carry your burden for you . They are then free to unburden themselves form this information. Think about the fact of how much pain and mental turmoil that you had to go through for YEARS. Now by telling someone these information and then denying them the ability to unburden themselves you are damning them to the same anguish that you had. But now YOU'VE relieved yourself of this and they are barred.

I hope you both find out the answer to the reason why T is saying whatever they are saying and it is benign.

Cheers

[Jenniferathome]

Kae, once you tell a secret, it is not YOUR secret anymore. None of the listeners have a vested interest in your secrecy. That is just life.

[Beverley Sims]

It hink now it is out, say nothing and see who comes forward and wants to know more.
They may be more genuine.
No use saying you are upset about it now although you could confront T and ask what was said, considering her own circumstances.
Was it vindictive, is another aspect.

[arbon]

Want to keep something secret u don't tell anyone if u do its no longer secret

Should not be upset at anyone but yoursellf if it bothers you they told someone

For a short time I tried to keep control of who knew what about me but what I learned people are people and they like to talk about interesting things and you just can't control them that way. I heard rumors about me that the person telling me did not even know it was me they were talking about!

How to know who to trust, you don', you trust them let go of what they do and be true to yourself

[Karren H]

I'd assume if you tell one or two people.... that sooner or later everyone will know.... so might as well bite the bullet and come out fully....

[Greenie]

Yeah. I get what you guys are saying. He is not ready to be open with EVERYONE. It really is an all or nothing thing? How sad is that? There really is a lack of trust in the world now adays that telling one person means he should be ready to tell everyone?

Its worse because he is not sure what he is.. What he wants.. what this is. He is looking for understanding people who can help him find out.

Is it really that impossible for people to decide who to tell they are gay, or bi, or transgendered, or just a plain old cross dresser in their OWN words. On their OWN time. I guess I can't accept that its fair to tell someone something and then its fair game for them to talk about it openly to everyone else. We can't go to my place of work and sit everyone down and be all like "HEY SO.... I know you heard ______ but lets talk about it" Its both uncomfortable for him... and UNPROFESSIONAL for something we told her outside of work to be talked about at work.

:/

Sad. Well thanks for your feedback. Its just sad that is how that has to work.

[Kate Simmons]

A person's integrity has to be proven Hon. Some just cannot contain confidential information, unfortunately. Someone who is tried and true is worth a lot as a friend. I have many such friends but they are not easy to come by. I hope you SO get to a point of being comfortable with himself.

[Marleena]

Greenie people can be real a holes. Outing one's self gives people ammo if they want to be cruel. You have to be so careful. Since some CD's don't live the life full time I don't see a reason to out themselves. If a friend busts you then I can see coming clean. On the bright side once the gossip dies down it won't be as big of a deal.

[arbon]

Its just the way it is.

There are people that will keep a secret - but there is no way to know who those people are in advance. I had two friends that never uttered a word about what was going on with me to anyone. But they were the exception. Most of my friends and family (wife to) talked. And it did not take long before everyone in town knew.

when you confide in someone your taking a risk, you know what the risk entails, if you cannot accept the consequences of what could happen you keep your mouth shut.

Or if you really have to talk about it and it has to be kept private you go to a mental health professional or priest- someone that HAS to keep a confidence.


Edit: I will give some hope. The people most likely to keep a confidence are the ones that you never see gossiping or talking about other people.

[Ressie]

Well, just tell us on this forum. When someone hears the secret that someone they know personally is a CD it's pretty hard for them to keep it to themselves. Even you as the girlfriend could let it slip unintentionally. Maybe a Tri-ess or similar local group is the answer.

[ArleneRaquel]

I told my daughter about 9 years ago, she won't let me see my granddaughter, or visit her home. We talk on the phone once in a while. So my judgement was wrong, in this case. I dress nearly 24/7 so only who comes in contact with moi knows, as I am not very passable, at least than's my opinion.

[Marleena]

@ Arlene, that is just being cruel! Just because you are TG? Just WOW!

[Jenniferathome]

.... It really is an all or nothing thing? How sad is that? ....

Kae, remember that it is not "all or nothing" it is just that you will not know if it is all or nothing. You will have friends who take it to the grave with them, others figure if you told them, they can tell others. You don't know, with certainty, who you told it to.

[Wildaboutheels]

Kae, I believe you are making a very common mistake. It's nice to believe there are people that are "sharp enough" AND open minded enough to be able to keep secrets because they understand that sometimes THERE IS A REASON FOR KEEPING SECRETS. Something very few members here seem to understand.

And sure there are people like that in the world, just not many. Telling anyone a secret, despite their Realtionship label - brother, sister, coworker, SO, husband, wife etc. is almost a guarantee that word will get around and when that happens, the story is not likely to be very accurate because people will put their own spin on it when they pass it on and they will.

You have known your fella for 6 years and known about the CDing for 2. What has the "progress" been [if any?] in those 2 years is the real Q. You say he doesn't know where he is going or where he will end up at this point like so many here. Can he even answer if transitioning is OFF the table? Does he still enjoy being in male mode with you and does his job require him to be in male mode? Is he "miserable" in male mode?

Did you decide you needed to tell folks because you don't want to worry about getting "caught" out in the RW?

How does one know WHO to marry or start Dating?

How many divorces are there now, because one party or another made a bad CHOICE?

There are no guarantees or ways to tell on WHO will keep a secret. It's a roll of the dice.

Even though the cat is now out of the bag, if you now go around and start telling everyone, it will make folks think you are "guilty" of something IMO. Better to explain it to folks you encounter as needed I think.

[~Joanne~]

Is it really that impossible for people to decide who to tell they are gay, or bi, or transgendered, or just a plain old cross dresser in their OWN words. On their OWN time. I guess I can't accept that its fair to tell someone something and then its fair game for them to talk about it openly to everyone else.

It shouldn't be impossible but unfortunately it is. I agree, if I want someone to know, it should come from me, at the time of my chosing, when and if I am ready to trust said person. I am sorry your SO had her trust broken by someone she should have been able to count on.

It happens all the time that's why I agree with most in this thread, Once you let it out, don't expect it to stay with one or two people. I think people are always trying to make themselves feel better than someone else through the pressures of society and that's why this sort of thing happens.

At this point, I would act as normal and see where the chips fall. Nobody may ever say a word about it. If they do deal with it then and ask them how having such information effects Their life...when they say it doesn't, just walk away. end of conversation. No one needs to explain themselves to anyone else in this life.

I don't accept people's concept of "fair" either.

[Cheryl Ann Owens]

Its just the way it is.

Edit: I will give some hope. The people most likely to keep a confidence are the ones that you never see gossiping or talking about other people.

So true. That's why I would only tell someone that I know wouldn't tell me anything about other people. There's an old saying, "If someone is talking about others, they're probably talking about you."

Years ago during a nasty divorce, people were finding out about me thanks to a vindictive ex wife. I grew very paranoid and had a huge defense built up around me that darn near killed me. After awhile I became desensitized. I also think that if anyone heard the words, "Did you know about "John" and that he crossdresses and wants to be a woman?" the shock and novelty would die. After awhile the dust settled. I think after awhile people who get used to knowing either forget about it or it just doesn't matter anymore because they also realize your best qualities. They might even think it to be a maliscious unfounded rumor. "So what if "John" is different, he's still a nice guy and he isn't hurting anyone." Who knows? I know I've gotten used to people knowing. I've made new friends and the real friends are those who remained my friends.

Cheryl Ann

[Natalya]

Once the cat is out of the bag, that's it I'm afraid.

Nevertheless, I think you'll find that the 'fall out' from all this will be nothing like as bad as you might be fearing but, before deciding how to deal with it going forward, it will be as well to look into why your SO decided it was necessary to come out at all. It's no good blaming anyone - what's done it done - and, on a subconscious level at least, your SO may even have been hoping that this is exactly what would happen.

Just assume, now, that this information is in the public domain. You no longer have control of where it gets to. You cannot control or predict how others will react to it. IMHO the worst thing either of you can do now is imagine that there is something you can do to change that.

Play it cool, like it's no big deal (even if you both feel it really is); being out, once the dust has settled, is quite the most liberating feeling there is. It has been for me, anyway.

Good luck.

Natasha.