What does cross-dressing make you feel? Where could it lead?

[Nonny]

My SO wants to cross-dress. It's currently on the back-burner because I can't cope with it at the moment and he doesn't want to cause me more stress. I feel awful about this, what is he missing out on? What does cross-dressing make you feel? I know my SO wants to be dominated in femme mode but I'm neither dominant nor really interested in sexually being with him in femme mode. Are these urges he will need to follow? He is bisexual, will he end up needing to find a man?

I want to demand he answer these questions but I know he can't. At the moment he's going through a phase of not needing to dress but I know it comes back, just as his need to be with a man does. Will I never be enough? Why is this urge so strong?

A lot of people on this site seem to already be in committed relationships. I certainly love my boyfriend and consider us to be serious but we do not live together, nor are we any further along the relationship than a few casual years. So although there is commitment it is very slight. Would you rather have waited and found a person who wanted what you did? Should we break up so I can help him do what he needs and find what he wants?

Could people try and actually answer the questions rather than making snap judgements about whether or not we should remain together....
e.g.

WHAT DOES CROSS-DRESSING MAKE YOU FEEL? WILL IT LIKELY LEAD TO THESE CONCLUSIONS? There are things I want to do which I will quite happily not do because it means I can be with him. WOULD YOU RATHER HAVE FOUND SOMEONE NEW IF YOU'D KNOWN YOUR SO WOULDN'T BE UNDERSTANDING?

[Vickie_CDTV]

If you are not married, it would be best to end the relationship so both of you could find you desire, and spare any future heartbreak. The fact he is bisexual in of itself does not mean he will cheat on you, but if he is saying he wants to be with a man means he may not be faithful to you forever, and he might be trying to tell you that. Based on the experiences of others, this isn't going to work out well, best to set each other free before you end up in any kind of lifelong commitments.

[Christine.Lolita]

It does not sound like you will be happy or he will be happy in the current situation. The urge he has to cross dress will never go away.

[Sylvermane]

WHAT DOES CROSS-DRESSING MAKE YOU FEEL?

In regards to what he may be feeling so you can understand somewhat I hope. When I dress I feel normal. I feel right. I am completely relaxed and feel like it was meant to be. I am TG though. Non TG CD's will have different reasons such as simple comfort, emulation, plain boredom with male clothes (which I also have), countless reasons really. For me it is a compulsion, almost something I have to do. I don't understand why I do it because I know I will never be what I truly want to be but I can't help myself either. Helps me feel a little better, even if it is simple as a skirt with hose & heels of some sort. Don't know how else to describe what it is. It is different for everyone though. He may not fully understand his own reasons. I didn't for the longest time. Just knew I wanted it, and I got it whenever I could.

WOULD YOU RATHER HAVE FOUND SOMEONE NEW IF YOU'D KNOWN YOUR SO WOULDN'T BE UNDERSTANDING?

I could never be with a woman who didn't fully accept what I am. It would add to much difficulty to a relationship, they are difficult enough as it is. I was lucky to find someone who thinks its the greatest thing ever. She loves it.

If he wants to dress as a woman and be dominated it may be a simple fetish thing and you may have nothing to worry about. But I am not remotely knowledgeable about such things, just an observation as I've poked around lots of fetish stuff while trying to figure out what was going on in my own head that lead to all this in my life.

[Nonny]

If you are not married, it would be best to end the relationship so both of you could find you desire, and spare any future heartbreak. The fact he is bisexual in of itself does not mean he will cheat on you, but if he is saying he wants to be with a man means he may not be faithful to you forever, and he might be trying to tell you that. Based on the experiences of others, this isn't going to work out well, best to set each other free before you end up in any kind of lifelong commitments.

Does it take marriage to keep a couple together through this?
People never find exactly what they desire. Why should desires necessarily be followed anyway? I have many desires I resist.
Based on what experiences of others?
Do people need to be married to be able to 'cope' with these situations? That sounds like 'having to cope for the sake of a promise' rather than anything else.
Why wouldn't he just have avoided getting into a relationship if he still wants to get sexual experiences out of the way?

[Shari]

Tough one Nonny.
Sounds to me like you might already be at the line when it comes to him wanting to be with a man. The dressing may be the straw that broke the camel's back. Too much give and nothing in return. What do YOU get out if it? Better said, what is it that you want from him? Are you getting that?
However, from where I sit, I have to think that if you're willing to put up with him being bisexual, that the benign nature of crossdressing wouldn't be that big a deal. As far as him wanting to be dominated, it's a natural thing for many of us crossdressers when we don the fineries.
The benefits might be that if you accept this part of him, perhaps the other part will simmer down or even go away.
The question is, is it worth it to you trying it to keep him?

[Kate Simmons]

Crossdressing is a process. Like any process it can take on a mind of it's own and wander if not controlled. A person has to decide if they control the process or it controls them. That is easier said than done, as humans tend to take the line of least resistance. That having been said, it can either be a rewarding experience that enriches the person or something that ends in total chaos. That depends on the person's choice.

[Lisa Gerrie]

Hi Nonny, and welcome. Good for you for taking the time to learn about this.

A person's gender identity (male/female/trans) and their sexual identity (straight/gay/bi) are independent of each other. Every combination exists. Statistically, most crossdressers are like me, heterosexual males.

A lot of people here talk about a "transgender spectrum". It's an over-simplification, but on one end are casual crossdressers and on the other end are transsexuals. Transsexual people are strongly driven to change their bodies and actually become the opposite sex, via hormones and surgery. Along the spectrum are different levels of drive. For example I think of myself as transgendered, but my drives are not all that strong. Crossdressing is enough for me; a bandage instead of a scalpel. It's hard to generalize, but if your SO's drive to crossdress ebbs and flows, then he is probably not headed for surgery.

The best way I can describe it is feeling right. Because I was born male I was pushed into certain roles by society, and they were never comfortable for me. Changing my body image -- my self-image --with clothing allows me relax and be the person I really am. I have never felt 100% male; dressing somehow evens things out for me. It allows me to indulge my softer, more feminine side.

Maybe it would help to look at this like a "religious" difference. It depends on how strongly he is driven, and how strong your feelings are. It's not fair for you to be forced to go to church, or for him to have to stop. If you can work out a balance that satisfies both of you, then the relationship can move forward. Remember too that people grow; he may become more or less "religious" over time. As may you!

Take everything you read here with a grain of salt. We are all different people with different needs. All we can do is tell you how we feel, and why we do it; only he can tell you how he feels.

It's a feeling not a choice, so it's often hard to put into words.

[Beverley Sims]

Nonny,
it is something you would have to work at all the time.
If you want to stay together try and ask questions about his desires when dressing.
I know you think it is gross at the moment and you can lessen the impact by reading some of the posts here and see how things that gross you out are accepted.
There is nothing dirty or unusual about what a couple does between themselves when engaging in love making.
It all boils down to erotica. meaning something that turns you on.
His not needing to dress at the moment is because he is more involved with you.
When the relationship stabilizes he will want to engage in a bit of erotica again.

You are correct in not demanding answers, they will probably be lies, things he thinks you need to hear without offending you.

What he is missing out by not dressing is a bit of erotica for himself. This comes out as frustration on his part and denial as to what he really wants to do.
That is engage in dressing up.
If you wish to stay together try and work it out as I have said.
Do not break up over this, it is really quite trivial and can even be fun once you have got over the imprinting of how gross it seems to be.
I for instance do not like a gay lifestyle but as long as they do not pat me on the bum, I will associate with them as a person and encourage them to live their lifestyle.
I do have gay friends and we share hobby interests.
One friend will remark, I think he looks good, and I say yeah, I think she looks good.
We recognize our disabilities so to speak.
I am married and have a supporting wife although not a hundred percent.
She still has her moments and always will.
There are no arguments and we work together in our relationship.
Give it a go, love will find a way.

The grass is not always greener on the other side anyway.
Think about.
Drinking, violence, tattoos, drugs.

A little bit of costume play sounds tame to me.

[linda allen]

My SO wants to cross-dress. It's currently on the back-burner because I can't cope with it at the moment and he doesn't want to cause me more stress. I feel awful about this, what is he missing out on? What does cross-dressing make you feel? I know my SO wants to be dominated in femme mode but I'm neither dominant nor really interested in sexually being with him in femme mode. Are these urges he will need to follow? He is bisexual, will he end up needing to find a man?.......................
WHAT DOES CROSS-DRESSING MAKE YOU FEEL? WILL IT LIKELY LEAD TO THESE CONCLUSIONS?......

Nonny, I will answer your questions first then make a suggestion.

For me, crossdressing makes me feel comfortable. I don't know why although at this point (I'm nearly 70 years old), I know my mother really wanted a daughter, not a son and I have reason to believe that she dressed and treated me like a girl when I was a very young child and nobody was around to see.

I should say this; I dress at home, I don't walk around the neighborhood dressed as a female and have no desire to have anyone else but my wife know about my dressing. Given the chance, I would dress in public in another city where there's little chance of being recognized. Some people carry crossdressing much further, some less than me, perhaps just wearing panties to bed.

It's not really a sexual thing. It might have been years ago but it's not now. There have been some romantic moments with my wife with me playing a "lesbian" part but that's not the norm.

Where will it lead? For me, like I said above, dressing around the house and dressing in public where I won't be recognized. For me, it will lead no further than this. No desire for a sex change operation or living full time as a female. No desire to be with or have sex with a male.

OK, now for my suggestion: You say your boyfriend is bisexual. By definition, that means he enjoys sex with both males and females. Consider this: He cannot be bisexual and be faithfull to you, the two are mutually exclusive. If you are OK with your boyfriend or husband having sex with other people, fine. Most people are not and I am not. For me and most folks, marriage is a commitment to a single individual.

Think long and hard before entering into a marriage or long term relationship with someone who will not be satisfied with only you. This has nothing to do with crossdressing, it's about the bisexuality. Crossdressers can be happily married and faithfull to their partners. Bisexuals cannot.

[Karen_K]

Hi Nonny,

Kudos to you for wanting to find out more and understand your boyfriend's feelings.

Crossdressing makes me feel relaxed, comfortable, and natural. It's difficult to say if that's what your boyfriend is motivated by, as everyone is different. And it's probably impossible to say where it will lead without more context. That he is bisexual and maybe wants to be with a man seems to be a potentially bigger issue than crossdressing by itself. And crossdressing by itself would not necessarily lead to that outcome. But if he does have that desire, it may be coming from somewhere else.

Plenty of us are in committed, loving relationship with SOs who are supportive of crossdressing. The most critical factor in the success of that is communication on both of your parts. If he can't, or won't tell you what he's feeling and what he wants (and answer the questions you have), then its hard to see how you can be supportive. At the same time, you need to be able to tell him if he's doing something that makes you uncomfortable.

[Lisa Gerrie]

Linda, I believe you are badly misinformed about bisexuality. Nonny probably knows that, and that's not what this thread should be about, but I felt compelled to comment.

[linda allen]

Linda, I believe you are badly misinformed about bisexuality. Nonny probably knows that, but I felt compelled to comment.

You are not helping much by saying that I am badly misinformed about bisexuality but not explaining it from your point of view. How about posting why you think I am badly misinformed by posting your definition and opinion?

[Lisa Gerrie]

Nonny asked about crossdressing, not bisexuality. This is not the place for a discussion about whether or not bisexuals are capable of fidelity.

[linda allen]

Nonny asked about crossdressing, not bisexuality. This is not the place for a discussion about whether or not bisexuals are capable of fidelity.

This is part of her original post:

He is bisexual, will he end up needing to find a man?.......................

I believe it is appropriate and on topic.

Now if you want to explain to me why you think I am misinformed about bisexuality, fine, I would love to hear it. Otherwise, you shouldn't have said it in the first place.

[Lisa Gerrie]

IMO fidelity has much more to do with the intensity of a person's sex drive than bisexuality. There are lots of people who are capable and incapable of it, straight, gay, or bi.

IMO it is an unfair and potentially harmful generalization to claim that any bisexual person in incapable of being faithful. If you want to discuss this further let's PM.

[NicoleScott]

The questions you ask are best answered by your SO. You ask us, and you'll get a range of answers. For example, you ask how crossdressing makes you feel. For some of us, it makes us feel "right", relaxed, comfortable, dressed in alignment with an internal feminine identity. For others of us, it makes us feel excited, sexually aroused. You'll have to ask your SO what makes CDing makes him feel.
Same with the other questions, such as being dominated in femme mode, and being with a man. Only he knows.
It's clear that you care for him enough to consider going further in your relationship, but you need some answers.
No, don't break up with him, continue to find understanding, as long as you think you are getting the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.
There may be questions he honestly doesn't know the answers to. That's OK. Just keep the dialog going.

[Jenniferathome]

WHAT DOES CROSS-DRESSING MAKE YOU FEEL?
WILL IT LIKELY LEAD TO THESE CONCLUSIONS?
There are things I want to do which I will quite happily not do because it means I can be with him.
WOULD YOU RATHER HAVE FOUND SOMEONE NEW IF YOU'D KNOWN YOUR SO WOULDN'T BE UNDERSTANDING?

Hi Nonny, here's my shot at this:
Cross dressing is a stress reliever for me. I firmly believe that it is something genetic for the non-fetishist cross dresser. The "feeling" is very difficult to explain but there is a sense of peace and calm when I dress. Maybe you could call it a point of closure.

You have said your SO is bi AND he wants to have sex with men. THAT is not a good sign. My opinion is that he WILL act out. In addition, taking cross dressing into the bedroom is NOT the norm for your typical cross dresser. That is more a fetishist thing. I would never, never, never ask my wife to engage with me in that way. She is not interested nor am I.

My wife is understanding, so I can not comment on the last question from experience, but I am sure everyone would rather have an understanding SO. The strain on relationships I read about here is intense if the SO can not "deal with" the cross dresser.

Good luck

[linda allen]

IMO fidelity has much more to do with the intensity of a person's sex drive than bisexuality. There are lots of people who are capable and incapable of it, straight, gay, or bi.

IMO it is an absurd generalization to claim that a bisexual person in incapable of being faithful. If you want to discuss this further let's PM.

That's not much of an explanation, but I'm not going to persue it through PMs. I'm obviously not going to change your opinion and you are not going to change mine.

I find your use of the word "absurd" to describe my opinion insulting. There are better ways to disagree with someone.

[boink]

Hello, Nonny!

For me crossdressing makes me feel relaxed, comfortable in my skin, and whole as a person. It can be occasionally erotic, but the vast majority of the time it's just about being me. When I don't get the opportunities to dress I end up feeling edgy and having body image issues.

Gender identity and sexual orientation are not related, however, if your SO is explicitly submissive and bisexual its definitely worth considering what that could mean. Just because someone is bi doesn't mean they are any more likely to cheat on a committed relationship, my partner is bi, and that hasn't been a problem for us. Same goes for dominant/submissive tendencies and other sexual fantasies. If you both communicate well and your needs are being met in general in the relationship it's all manageable stuff. What is worth asking your partner about is if those desires are something he feels a compelling need to act on. And then beyond that the key if you want to stick together is good communication, trust, and a willingness to be patient and work through what both of you need to feel good/whole.

My partner is very accepting/supportive now, but it took a while to get there. At this point if she was at a point where I couldn't crossdress period I would want to find a new relationship, but other than that I am perfectly willing to work through any other little stuff. There are things that she liked/dislikes more than others, but on a whole she's very accepting/supportive and most importantly I know I can always talk to her without guilt (and vice versa) if I feel either of our needs are not really being met.

If you love your boyfriend, and he feels the same, and you're both willing to make things work then there's no reason to question the relationship.

[Lisa Gerrie]

Linda, I meant absurd in the sense of "over the top". I have edited my post to better express myself, and I apologize for offending you.

[Taylor Ray]

Hey Nonny-

I identify as a bisexual and a CD. I also enjoy being in committed relationships with women. In my experience, when the sexual chemistry in a relationship is strong, and both my partner and I are satisfied with our sex life, I don't have any urges to be with other people.

Like others have said on this thread, cross-dressing itself manifests differently for different people, and doesn't have to "lead" to anything. That being said, I did have an experimental phase with expressing myself in different sexual ways. That phase allowed me to understand my own needs better, so that when in a relationship I am able to express those needs. As I matured, I was able to be more in touch with my partners needs as well, through trusting communication.

Oftentimes, we would learn as a couple that we had different needs. With mutual respect, we were able end our romantic relationship, stay friends, and support each other. I encourage you to trust and explore your own feelings about your situation. Compatibility has many variables.

[Jackie7]

Your first question: Crossdressing feels physically good and mentally fun, it gives a slightly shifted view of the world and one's place in it, it induces female movement and mannerisms while dressed, and taken together those things represent a shift in consciousness that is a welcome relief from state of mind of the horny old dude who shares this body. Yoga and dangerous adventure cause the same shift, I do yoga too but have given up on the other.

Your other questions: neither of you can know how it will unfold. It's his journey and yours too if you choose to travel together. I have only observed bisexuality, I am hetero though gay-friendly and bi-friendly, but my observations tend to the notion that CD tendencies and bisexuality are independent variables, one doesn't cause the other and they can/will each move on their own paths. Like others here, some years ago I seriously considered hormone therapy and reassignment surgery, but rejected it as not right for me. Like others here, I was married for a long time to a woman who was not understanding, but my dressing was only one of many factors leading to our divorce. I've since remarried a woman who is both understanding and participates, I often dress around the house and we go out together a couple of times a month, and her advice to you, which I can only echo, is to look for ways YOU can have fun with it. And don't do the stuff that's not fun for you, for example I often wear a girly nightgown in the evening but take it off when we go to bed and/or have sex because bare skin is her preference.

A few ways to have fun with it:

A CD partner can be a great and tireless shopping buddy, it's a bonus if you are about the same size (we are) because you can swap and borrow, and if he is submissive as well, you could just command him to handle all of the checkout lines, returns and exchanges for you while you shop on or drink coffee. It's only fair to budget so that whatever he spends on his wardrobe, you spend on yours. We have a lot of twinsie outfits or closely related ensembles, that's a blast if you are up to going out together dressed.

And if you do get up to going out together he'll never again be able to bitch about how long it takes you to get ready, because it will take him a lot longer. Two elegant ladies out for dinner together get very fine and attentive treatment at any good restaurant. Two elegant ladies out on the town can jump the line at nightclubs, they'll want you inside to be part of the glittery scene. If you are anywhere near the same size you might try cross-dressing yourself, my wife enjoys the sloppy simplicity of men's clothing, not to mention the myriad of pockets and the fact that she can get ready to roll in five minutes, ready in fifteen even if she takes the time to bind her breasts, stipple her "beard" with eyebrow pencil, and pack her tidy whities. Dressing as a burly man releases a macho side of herself that she ordinarily suppresses, she takes charge in best manly fashion while I hang on her arm to keep myself from tottering off my high heels and frankly, in those moments she is all the man I need.

[Rebecca Watson]

What does cross-dressing make you feel?

I feel like a nice respectable lady. It makes me feel great when people treat me like a lady.

I know my SO wants to be dominated in femme mode but I'm neither dominant nor really interested in sexually being with him in femme mode.

There are a lot of guys who like this, and very few women who enjoy it. Most of these men will miss out whether they like it or not. I used to like this, but not so much these days. At the time, I was aware of this fact, and was consequently reasonably satisfied with the occasional "play time" usually prompted by myself. Also, it's plausible that the crossdressing stems from a desire for forced feminisation, rather than a genuine desire to look like a girl.

From my experiences, the best thing to do is to find a way to make this kind of activity seem like fun rather than an obligation. For example, once my wife wrapped me up in a blanket so I couldn't move, then put makeup on me. She seemed to think it was rather funny. And it was a rather nice surprise (which I still remember years later)!

Are these urges he will need to follow? He is bisexual, will he end up needing to find a man?

No idea. "Impossible to see, the future is." -- Yoda

Would you rather have waited and found a person who wanted what you did? Should we break up so I can help him do what he needs and find what he wants?

I think it's unwise for this alone to be a difference between breaking up or not. It's most likely there's no person on the planet that matches his list of desires.

WOULD YOU RATHER HAVE FOUND SOMEONE NEW IF YOU'D KNOWN YOUR SO WOULDN'T BE UNDERSTANDING?

I'm in a different country to my wife at the moment, and she doesn't know about Becky yet. The one time she found some ladies shoes of mine (which weren't exactly hidden) she said "I cannot accept this" and threw them out. I'm hopeful that when she learns about Becky, and finds that she looks like a respectable woman (and not some cheap tart or drag queen) she might think it's fun. However, more likely than not, she will continue to disapprove. Nevertheless, I have absolutely no regrets about who I chose to marry.

- Becky

[Beverley Sims]

Nonny,
I hope you are able to read between the lines as we may all not understand your questions and as we misconstrue things we do have a little infighting.
Please ignore this as some of us have been here a while and have strong views of others.
We are all trying to genuinely help.
If you can encourage your SO to join as he could then ask questions of us as well.
Someone mentioned the Female at birth forum.
You can get other girls comments there if you feel more at ease.
You have not replied here yet although I would say you have read what has been said.