Reveal to therapist?

[dreamer_2.0]

Hi girls,

As you may know, I've been away from this forum for a long time. During this time I barely dressed at all (kind of suppressed due to living conditions). Yet, despite being completely away from the lifestyle I still have the feeling inside that I'm not happy being male and ponder whether I'd ever be able to be happy in this body. Having read old posts of mine it seems this opinion hasn't changed much over the years and isn't going anywhere unless I do something about it.

I'm currently seeing a therapist each week for depression, confidence and the like. My fem side hasn't come out yet as I'm still incredibly embarrassed by it. I know there is support on here (thanks!) but revealing it in person, to a stranger, is another story. Having said that, it almost came out last session. It was on the tip of my tongue.

I'm curious if any of you have ever broached the subject with a therapist and how it went. Did you find it beneficial? Did it help you understand this side of you more? Any advice?

It would be the first time telling someone outside of a girlfriend. I'm quite certain I would never get SRS (couldn't bear to tell family, friends) so I debate whether it's worth bringing up during session.

I appreciate everyone's thoughts!

[AmyGaleRT]

Dreamer, I'd kind of think that this is something you're supposed to tell your therapist about. I'm not a doctor, but I'd think it might have a bearing on your other issues, and of course your therapist is one person you can safely tell, due to doctor-patient confidentiality. If your present therapist doesn't feel comfortable discussing gender-identity issues, perhaps you can get a referral to one that does.

My own opinion is, the fact that you're asking the question is a good indication that you consider it important enough to discuss with the therapist. So, put thus, is not the question its own answer?

- Amy

[Princess29]

its definitely something that I would consider talking to a therapist about. You are already seeing one and it wont do you any good to hold things back that are related to what you are trying to resolve

[dreamer_2.0]

Thanks, Amy (pretty pic, btw!)

You're probably right. A close friend also suggested that this side of me could be the underlying cause to my other issues. Next session isn't for a while but you made a very good point. More than one, actually.

[giuseppina]

Hello Dreamer

Your therapist needs the whole picture. They are bound by confidentiality statutes, at least in most genuine democracies. In Canada, breach of confidentiality is considered professional misconduct. Many years ago, I saw a (now deceased) counsellor who talked about another case without mentioning names. That was the last time I saw him. Knowing what I do now, I should have filed a complaint with the relevant regulatory body and let the chips fall where they may.

I am currently seeing a counsellor for depression and self-confidence issues as well, but they have nothing to do with gender issues as far as I can tell. I am not embarrassed about dressing, but I am extremely picky about who I talk with about this issue (only regulated health professionals at this time). I have never been in a romantic relationship.

At the risk of being harsh and analysing, your post leaves the impression you have difficulty accepting yourself as you are. Maybe this is at the root of your self-confidence issues.

If you find yourself feeling judged after revealing the cross-gender feelings, I would be asking questions like "Is s/he the right therapist for me at this time?"

Good luck.

[Barbra P]

I mentioned to my personnel Physician that I wanted to talk to someone about a gender issue. She asked that I meet with the Family Counselor in her Family Practice module and after a two-hour session the Counselor felt a referral to the Psychiatric Department was appropriate. The Counselor talked with several Therapists and suggested one she felt would be a good match for me. Kelly, my Therapist, of course new a bit about me when I showed up for our first session having read the report from the Counselor. I liked Kelly from the start and I felt comfortable talking about my gender issues her.

While I have dressed in drab for most of my sessions I have been to a few sessions as Barbra; Kelly has repeatedly mentioned that I should feel free to come dressed en femme any time I feel like it. During the first session Kelly told me that if I was there looking for a cure for my crossdressing I might as well get up and leave because I was wasting both her time and mine. She could help me better understand myself and hopefully that would help with my anxiety and depression, but there is no known cure for crossdressing within the Medical Profession.

My Wife is tolerant of my dressing to some degree but not what I would categorize as supportive. I have not been able to fully follow a couple of Kelly’s recommendations, one of which is to dress more often. I manage to dress about one day a week and I feel that my Wife would take exception if I tried to dress more. Kelly also suggested that I see an Endocrinologist and begin a low-dose estrogen HRT program, something my Wife was totally against.

If you can’t be forthright, honest, and above board with all aspects of your life when talking to your Therapist I don’t see how you can expect your Therapist to effectively deal with your “depression, confidence and the like” and help you. I think you are wasting your Therapist’s time and more importantly your time. If you were experiencing pain and went to see your Doctor would you expect your Doctor to treat the pain if you didn’t mention that you were in pain?

[mikiSJ]

Yes, you should open up to your therapist, but only when YOU are ready. It is a huge step to disclose a secret you have hidden for many years and feel embarrassed about. Build up your confidence in your therapist. When you chose this therapist, did you research his/her background in gender issues. The last thing you want to happen is to have your therapist injure your psyche with an adverse reaction or worse.

I started seeing a therapist late last year when my depression was deepening and after I told my wife I wanted Miki to grow and she rebelled at the idea. I did my research and sought out a therapist who was well acquainted with gender issues. I was able to tell my therapist the first time we met that I dressed. BUT, that was my experience not yours.

Two weeks ago my therapist asked when will she see Miki, I think a week from now, but that will be a really scary outing for me.

[Natalya]

Hi

I have recently found myself in very much your position: in therapy with issues of depression, anxiety, self-esteem, etc., and at various points hesitant, determined and desperate to bring the gender issues into the mix.

In the end, I didn't and, in the end, the therapy proved to be somewhat ineffective.

To be fair to my therapist, it was a very particular type of therapy focused very much on overcoming my immediate problems. It was clear, as the sessions progressed that I have much deeper issues (not gender-related) that he was not qualified to deal with.

What therapy has taught me, however, is that I do have those deeper, underlying issues that mean my immediate problems cannot be dealt with in isolation. I am pleased to have had the opportunity to step back from that particular therapy and take time to decide what to do next but the prospect of leaping into the realms of psychotherapy and/or gender therapy is a big, scary one; the consequences of doing nothing, on the other hand, will likely be equally bad or worse.

So, my recommendation? If your current therapy is working in dealing with your immediate issues, I would say don't mention it. Get yourself well and ready to deal with gender issues as the next challenge. If your therapy is not working or you're not sure if gender issues are serious root causes, then, on balance, it would be in your best long term interests to bring it up and, either with your current therapist or your primary care provider, work out where you go next.

Best wishes,

Natasha

[Amanda M]

Guiseppina is absolutely correct. If you hold back on this major issue, you are wasting his/her time and your hard earned money! No need to feel embarrassed. As a therapist myself, I can assure you that we are not there to judge, and have seen and heard it all. I hope all goes well for you, Dreamer.

Best, Amanda.

[Beverley Sims]

It is wise to let your therapist in on your secret, it may be a clue to whatever ails you.

[Sabrina133]

Dreamer,

I've been to therapists, off and on, since i was 23. I've found them to be extremely helpful. My current one is super. As i told her when we first met - she's my safe zone. Because of her, I've made amaznig self discoveries. The key is total honesty. She cant help you work through your problems if she doestn know those things about you that she needs to understand.

Take care
Bree

[Johnna.James]

Telling my therapist was the best thing I have done. I was apprehensive to say something as well, but I decided to do so on my very first session. It gave her a better understanding of what makes me tick. I too suffer from depression and since "coming out" (so to speak) to my therapist I feel much better and have stopped all the meds. She has seen me in both male and fem modes. She actually will say that she hasn't seen Johnna in a while, which makes me feel good. So from my personal experience, I would recommend you discuss this with your therapist. Feel free to contact me if you have any questions. Best of luck to you. ~Johnna~

[boink]

Why not tell your therapist?

It seems that you have some issues to work out in terms of how you see and approach your fem side. You describe being embarrassed, conflicted, and depressed all of which may relate to this side of yours that you're keeping hidden. That may be very relevant and helpful to a therapist who is trying to work with you. And regardless of whether you are planning on coming out to anyone else at all a therapist will keep this all confidential and probably not even bat an eye at this sort of situation. I say go for it.

[NicoleScott]

Yes, you should tell your therapist, especially if the suppression of your femme side is [part of] the cause of your depression. If you can't trust your therapist with this, you need a different one.

[PaulaDallas]

I revealed this to several therapists over the years. One called it a perversion, but treated me for other issues. Others considered it a non-issue. Two considered it in a very positive light, believing that dressing enabled me to get in touch with my feminine side on a deep level. I agree that your therapist needs to know this to get the full picture.

[melissakozak]

I have been in therapy for over ten years, but I am now seeing a gender therapist for issues related to my whole trans identity, and she has been wonderful so far, allowing me to examine all of the issues. For quick background, I live part-time but transition is off the table for me now....but back to your situation, a therapist will most likely ask you in a nonjudgmental fashion, how this fits into your life, etc. I wouldn't worry about it one little bit....

[traci_k]

You should definitely consider telling your therapist. I knew that GD was an underlying issue with my depression and anxiety. We pretty much delved into it immediately and I couldn't be happier. Telling a real person who has your best interests at heart can be a tremendous relief in starting the process of moving forward with your life. As others have said, if you don't trust your therapist, find another one that is familiar with gender issues that you can trust.
Hugs,

[TxCassie]

Welcome Back Dreamer,

What timing that I read your post this morning. I just learned from on-line resources of a therapist here in my home town that I plan to call today. I am contacting him because I want to discuss my dressing, gender issues, not to "cure" but to understand, deal with it, put both sides into balance, perspective, what does it mean, all sorts of questions. Like so many, the dressing discussion may very well lead to other issues, which at 53yrs, is about time I talk out. Don't you agree?

Honey, be honest with her. You have nothing to lose. How could you ever get to anywhere you want to go if you don't lay it all out.

You have a friendly ear and kind shoulder here. I am not an expert, but I can relate and share my experiences with you too.

Good Luck Honey, It's a wonderful journey.

Cassie

[sheilagirl]

Hello Dreamer,
So interesting that you're bringing this up. Just recently, after about 40 years of off-and-on CDing, two failed marriages and counseling with scores of therapists, I finally shared the existence of "Sheila" with someone. I've been meeting with my current psychologist for about 6 months. I too have been battling depression and a MD that I have been seeing recommended her. After a few sessions, I decided it was time to reveal "The Big Secret". I finally let it out when we were talking about being honest with ourselves and others. I could feel my entire body get flush as the words came out of my mouth. My wonderful, understanding counselor, just smiled and reassured me that it was good for me to let this out. The dominate feeling I got was a BIG sense of relief and the fact that this really WASN'T as big as I had made it for so long. Much of the guilt and fear of being discovered just sort of drifted away. Don't get me wrong, I haven't started shouting from the rooftops, but I feel a whole lot better! A couple of weeks ago I made the big step of coming to one of my sessions in Sheila mode. Wow! I'd never dressed in front of another person before and I was paranoid that someone from my neighborhood would recognize me, but I made it. It was both scary and exhilarating! My counselor was very complimentary and said that I could probably give her a few fashion tips! I even got to carry one of my vintage Coach handbags!

[STACY B]

Not Me ,,, I walked right in an Spilled my Guts to the Doctor ,, lol,,, An HE sent me strait to a Gender Therapist ,, An then Spilled them all over again ,, Went twice an then brought my SO to the next one ,, Hell she is married to me she should know whats going on an I am not one for Secretes . But I don't know of any better place to tell it all an get it all out than there ?
Hell if that the ONLY TIME you can be yourself is there atleast that's once a week an is better than not at all .
So I say Tell ,,,Tell,,,, Tell ,, As soon as you walk in the Door !! An you will see how WONDERFUL you will feel ,, But be careful you will want to keep telling ,,lol,,,

[Angela Campbell]

I guess it was kind of easy for me to tell the therapist. I came dressed in a nice pants suit, wig, nails and high heels. There was probably little doubt what I was there for. She was very nice and she referred me to a therapist who had transitioned from female to male and I went there dressed as well. No reason to hide who you are from someone who is trying to help.

[Suzanne F]

I revealed this to my therapist about 4 months ago. She helped me after I told my wife. I do t know what I would have done without her support. Two weeks ago I went to a session dressed as Suzanne. It was so great to show her! My therapist really saw that she was a big part of me. I encourage you to be honest with your therapist.
Suzanne

[Kate's at home]

I'd be depressed too if I was suppressing something so important to me and living denying a big part of who I am.

No SSRI can help that...

Tell your therapist and get on with it. If they don't understand, find one who does.

Besy of luck.

Kate

[mikiSJ]

Tell your therapist and get on with it. If they don't understand, find one who does.

"Nuf said? Go do it!

[dreamer_2.0]

When you chose this therapist, did you research his/her background in gender issues. The last thing you want to happen is to have your therapist injure your psyche with an adverse reaction or worse.

I actually didn't consider gender issues while looking for a therapist. Perhaps I was denying the possibility that my other issues are related. Now that I'm with her though, she said I can trust her with anything and she would not be offended. I replied with "careful what you ask for" but didn't share.

I was thinking of sending her an email and inquiring about her experience there without going into too much detail.