Finally told my wife...

[sweetmelody]

I have dressed off and on for the last twenty five years. Due to a missions trip my wife was gone most of 2011 so I got to spend that whole time living as my "other half". But it was extremely tough putting "her" away when she came back. It's been a year and our relationship has been suffering, mostly due to my confusion over my femme side. About a week ago, I started "the letter". Things finally came to a head last night and I told her everything. She took it better than I thought and the last 24 hours have been quite the emotional roller coaster. We agreed to spend the day apart and came back tonight and spent the last three hours talking. Although she is far from cool with this, she has agreed to go see a counselor and work toward a resolution. Being devout Christians, she believes my dressing is wrong and that is the biggest hang-up. She has agreed to let me have some "femme-time". She just isn't comfortable seeing it or being a part of it yet. She is open to this in the future. She has given me permission to bring my stash of clothes out of hiding and use our spare bedroom for my "hobby". I am hopeful for the future but realize this is going to be a long process. She is very upset that I have hid this from her for 15 years and I can't blame her for that. As others have said, I feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. Although it was terrifying, I would encourage anyone who hasn't told their spouse or SO to do it. The outcome can be very uncertain, but the hiding and the lying can do more damage in the long run. Wish us luck as we walk this road and thank you to everyone who has had this talk and posted about it. Your stories gave me the courage. I will try to post updates as we go through this process.

[Giselle(Oshawa)]

Melody my prayers are with you and your wife sis.
I came "out" to my wife of 29 years almost 2 years
ago and things have been very rocky at times.
my wife has come to tolerate my dressing and
has even come to some support group events
with me but our marriage will never be the same
as it was before I told her about Giselle.
it will take many years before I totally(if ever)
regain her total trust.
give your wife a hug for me for at least showing
willingness to understand your crossdressing
I hope through time both of you can find a place
where you will both be happy and more importantly
happily married.

kindest regards

Giselle Reeves

[Beverley Sims]

It is not being devout Christians but what you have been taught about what is moral and what is not.

[Cynthia Anne]

It sounds pretty good for you and I hope it works out great for you both! Don't rush her and take it slowly!!

[Juliea661]

Dear Melody; as my wife's mother used to say "its all good". The problem we humans have is that our vision is limited and we just can't see far enough down the road to see and know that "its all good". Telling your wife was good, and it is just the start of a new life that will get better and better. Approach the building of this new life with courage and love, always love. This female side for most of us is not just a hobby, rather it is a part of us just like breathing; and we all know what happens when we don't breathe. There is so much information available now that should help you and your wife to understand this new path that was chosen for you. My Husband Betty is a book that my wife and I found very helpful. And to follow up on Beverley's reply, Jesus taught love and acceptance. All the shame and moral crap is a result of our failed cultural story that has been passed down for eons. The male and the female exist in all of us, and to express ALL of who we are is not a sin or moral failing - I believe its a blessing. God, at least the god I know is all about love. And that God love you, all of you.

[Rachelakld]

A good step Melody.
It's good that you understand the "weight has been lifted from your shoulders", but more has been put on your wife.
While there is probably no resolution for you and your fem-personality, I hope your wife decides to follow your journey and learns the pleasure both your personalities can offer.

[Ceri Anne]

There is only one verse in the Bible that talks about crossdressing. Deuteronomy 2:22. There are a large number of laws in the Old Testament that are not valid today. To start with, women wearing pants (crossdressing). The food we eat, women not covering their head, men covering theirs, the list goes on. The Bible is really about 3 things. Understanding you are a created being by a loving God. Loving your neighbor, and history of where we came from and where we are going. Most of the Bible is made up of examples of how we can better love God, ourselves and our neighbors. This is the most important concept in the Bible.

It sounds like you are both on the right track. Hopefully this will help. Best wishes for both of you.

[Jodi Anne]

Melody, you have my prayers for an understanding outcome, I have gone through this also as I am TS, but have been able to work it out.

[sweetmelody]

During our conversation, I ask my wife if it were ok if I shaved everything. She didn't have a problem with it as a lot of "masculine" guys do it, so this morning, with razor in hand, I stepped into the bubble bath and am now clean shaven. It feels so good to look at my legs in sheer pantyhose and not be disgusted by the leg hairs showing. And no more hair sticking out of my bra. What an exhilirating feeling. So happy right now, hope this feeling continues. Hopefully with taking my time, exfoliating, and lotioning real good the dreaded ingrown hairs won't be too bad. To those of you that have shaved for a long time, I have heard the hair gets thinner and stops growing so fast. Any truth to that? Will try to post some pictures soon. Thank you for all the support.

[linda allen]

I wish you the best and I hope the two of you can work it out. Two things in your post ar a little troubling to me.

First, the counselling thing. If it is to help her adjust to your dressing, fine. More often, when the wife suggests counselling, it's in the hope of the counselor "curing" you of your sickness (crossdressing).

Second, you mentioned that your wife gave you "permission" to keep your clothes in a spare room. I don't think in a loving relationship, anyone needs to give or get permission to do anything. We agree on things based on respect for each other's feelings. "Permission" sounds like a parent/child relationship.

[sweetmelody]

Linda, thanks for the comments. We aren't sure exactly what counseling is going to solve. I know that part of her hopes I will be cured miraculously. I hope that counseling will help us come to terms with it all and work past it. I've told her I don't think this is something that can be cured or go away, and she accepts that. We are both very open to whatever happens. On the second point, it wasn't really that she gave me permission, more I asked as to not make her uncomfortable. I don't want to push things right now, but she also doesn't want me to suppress who I am anymore and if I feel the urge to dress she wants me to be able to. Also, as a lover of clothes, she didn't like that my lingerie was stuffed in a bag and hidden. (and I appreciate that!)

[BlairP]

Do yourself a favor, slow down. Take it from somebody who has been there. You waited 15 years to tel her. Her world has been turned upside down. You will feel relief that you can finally express this side of you. But you run the risk of overwhelming her. Just chill out for a while. You waited 15 years so you can wait a few more months. Give her some time to adjust. And remember, you betrayed her. Its understandable to me why you did it but not to her. You need to be extra nice to her.

[Juliea661]

Hi Melody, I read, maybe here, about a couple that went to counseling. When asked what problem they came to work on, the wife said "The problem is my husband CDing!" The counselor calmly replied "No, THAT is who he is. What is the problem...?" In other words the "problem" you both have is how to fit this beautiful side of you into your relationship. When I told my soon to be wife she asked "Why do you have to do this?". I honestly replied "I don't know, but it is like why do I have to breathe...?"
This is a lot to digest for her. She needs time, knowledge, understanding, and LOTS of love. I specifically asked my wife to tell her best friend, so that she would have someone outside the "closet" to talk things through with. And as others have said here, it can be TONS OF FUN shopping together, discussing girly things, watching chick flicks together, going out for dinner together, etc!
Counseling? It is wonderful IF you find the right one. Seek out someone experienced with transgender, even if you have to drive a hundred miles.
Keep the faith that it will all work out for the best.
Hugs, Jules

[Barbra P]

Hi Melody

I agree with Beverley “It is not being devout Christians but what you have been taught”, I have read many posts here from members attending church services en femme. I think many, if not most, church’s are more liberal in their views today. However I suspect that it is too late to change your wife’s religious views.

I can’t tell from your post if going to see a Counselor is for her or the two of you. When I told my Doctor that I had a gender issue she referred me to the Counselor in the same Family Practice module. After a two hour session the Counselor suggested I be referred to the Psychiatric Department to see a Licensed Therapist with more experience with gender issues. One of the first things Kelly, my Therapist, said to me was that if I was there seeking a cure for my cross dressing I might as well leave right there and now. On the other hand if I was seeking a better understanding of myself and possibly dealing with anxiety and depression as a result of my cross dressing then she could help me out. One common thread heard from my Doctor, the Counselor, and my Therapist is that there is no cure for cross dressing, no magic bullet.

How much counseling will help your wife depends on the Counselor she sees. It is possible that she will get a Counselor that believes as she does, your crossdressing is morally wrong, on the other hand she might get one with a more enlightened view more in line with that held by most medical authorities today. Best case is a Counselor that will tell her that this is something that you have been living with most of your life and it has had a profound influence on your personality, the same personality and traits that she fell in love with.

I would strongly recommend that you also seek out a Counselor or Therapist of your own, especially one versed in dealing with gender issues. You undoubtedly have issues of your own related with how you view yourself and how you handle those issues. My Therapist has helped me understand my issues and to a certain extend how I handle the issues my Wife has with my cross dressing. You may be able to stop cross dressing but as most have found out you can’t entirely suppress the urge to cross dress. Sooner or later the urge intensifies to the point where it becomes literally impossible to ignore and continued efforts to suppress the urge results in anxiety and deep depression.

I would also suggest that you see if there are any transgender support groups in your area. It sometimes helps to talk with others who are facing the same issues as you are. Many of these groups also have a group for Wives and SO’s. My support group also has a list of Therapists trained in transgender support.

In the meantime it is important that you reassure your Wife that you aren’t gay, that you aren’t seeking to become a woman, and most importantly that you still love her as much as ever, if not more so. You are the same person she has loved for all these past years only now your love and trust for her is so strong that you felt compelled to be totally honest share your deepest, darkest secret.

I wish you all the best

Babs

[Suzanne F]

Melody
Please hang in there with your wife. I came out after 11 years of marriage about 4 months ago to my wife. She has been wonderful but she has had to face a lot of fear also. She has helped me with my presentation and goes out with me when I am dressed. We are Christians also. I see no conflict with Him as long as I don't hurt my family. I am trying very hard to balance their needs with mine. Remember He made us and this is the way we are. When you need the courage to be who you are He will be there!
Suzanne

[Stephanie47]

Just one piece of advice: Don't go to religious based counseling. Go to a counselor who has expertise in transgender issues. Also, going to couples counseling is not sufficient. Your wife needs to go to individual counseling in order for her to deal with you without you sitting there. There is never openness with the other spouse sitting, listening and watching. You also need to take it easy. If your wife gives you an inch, don't take a mile. And, be prepared for your wife changing her mind about the entire issue.

As a Christian, I recently had a conversation with my wife. She said one of her friends, when asked if she was a Christian, she relied "I follow the teachings of Jesus Christ," which really leaves out many of the laws which really are counter to the teachings of Christ.

[cdgirl007]

I'm still working on the guts to come out to my family.. Not sure I can.

[Allison Chaynes]

Hi Melody, might I also suggest joining the Religious Discussion forum? You will find a lot of great discussion about CDing and the Bible in there. My other advice is just to take it slow, my wife has known of my full crossdressing for over four years now and she's still working on it.

[Shelly Preston]

Moderator note

Please save all religious points for the Religious Section

[Danielle_cder]

good for you for commin out! it can b tough but the load that is lifted is phenomenal. good luck for the future