A Progression Report

[TxCassie]

Hello All,

I wanted to share an update on my progression. Last Wednesday, I began seeing a therapist do discuss the emerging persona of Cassie in my life. I am not depressed, or in angst. Though, I am concerned, wondering, a bit confused. As Cassie has emerged, I begun to wonder what does it all mean, where will I be going, just how much will Cassie take prominence in my life. As I near retirement, though I yet do not know if I will actually take the leap, I do know that if I do retire, I will have a perfect opportunity to allow Cassie go full steam ahead. I can change the direction of my life. But do I want this, will I start and then screech the breaks on only be left in the field not knowing where and why.

So, I sought out a therapist and found, I think someone I will be able to forge a good relationship. He's gay as well, and feel he will be able to relate to my fears, and perspective and be objective. During my first session, my therapist suggested I attend a meeting of the local TG Support Group, who's meeting happen to be the next evening. I would be attending en drab as I still do not have a wig and feel too incomplete to present Cassie in public. Yet, I was so scared because being en drab, I would be completely recognizable and what if someone recognized me. Then of course, the same old argument, If someone you know is there, they must be there for the same reasons, so what's the fear. I mulled it over all night and next day while at work.

End of my work day, I had one hour between the bell at work and the beginning of the meeting. I still was unsure what I was going to do. So, I decided to leave work and just drive. I decided to let my spiritual angel guide me. I guess I always sort of knew what was going to happen because I really wasn't surprised by finding myself in the parking lot of the MCC Church looking at the building, my heat pounding.

So, here I am thinking I'm just a geek, dufus, in my dockers and geoffery beam shirt, looking more like Norm from Cheers than Cassie from the Glam!... I made my way to the door with a sign, which I didn't know, but figured I try.

I tried the door knob, and Whola! it opened. LOL. There were steps down to a basement, and a threshold to an open meeting room. There I stepped in and of course all eyes on me. I sort of just took small steps, waved, and asked, Is this SAGA, they all nodded and said yes, I said, I'm new. Right away, this blond lady came up to me and took my hand and said, Hello, I'm Robin. ....

From that point on, while I can't say everyone just rushed up to me, I felt very comfortable. Turns out, I ended up sitting next to the Assistant Chief of Police who is our LGBT liaison in the department. He was going to discuss the current relationship with the group. I don't know if Robin, the leader of the group felt he would feel more comfortable sitting next to a guy who appeared a genuine guy, but, I'm pretty sure I took care of that when during our small talk, I mentioned that "As Cassie"... LOL, How bold for my initial venture.

So, after the meeting, I made small talk with a couple of other members, and then spoke to Robin again, thanking her for her welcoming. Right away, she said, You must come back, feel free to dress, change here, no one will force you to be anything or anyone you don't feel comfortable being. I thanked her and said, I've never been in public as Cassie, but the thought was so exciting, especially since, it really would not be a big deal.. but of course it would not be ...LOL. I told her I didn't have a wig, and I still am trying to purchase one. Robin told me she may have one from her pre-transition days. Wow.!

So, depending if I can purchase the wig from her, I may very well be reporting on Cassie's public debut in a couple of weeks.

Wish me luck!

Cassie

[Asp]

Hey sweetie, I've just begun living full time as female, and let me tell you, it can be a little terrifying at first. But just hang in there with whatever you decide on doing. I don't have a wig either, but trust me: confidence is the highest form of sex appeal! If you walk around like you belong and with confidence, nobody will say anything to you.

[PaulaQ]

Hi Cassie, I'm glad you attended the support group. Don't feel pressured to go en femme. If it feels right - do it. If not, it's not a big deal. In my group, there are folks who don't attend en femme. Some have situations where it would be really dangerous for them to attend en femme. (Indeed, one girl, who's pretty cautious, got outed and fired at work.)

I don't think it is a problem if you try to explore Cassie's meaning in your life, and try "full steam ahead", only later to decide "Whoa! Not for me!" There are many possible gender variants. Perhaps you'll be happy with simply cross dressing a little or a lot.

I would recommend really trying to be as honest about your feelings with yourself, your therapist, and your group as you can. There are no right or wrong answers, only answers that are right or wrong for you. See which others say things you identify with, or who identify with stuff you say, see which ones you totally don't get *at all*.

You are very brave to be willing to explore this side of your personality, both in therapy, and especially going to a TG support group. This can be scary stuff. I hope that you find peace, happiness, and whatever answers are right for you.

[Tracii G]

My support group helped me out so much coming to terms with my female side.One of the best things I have ever done for myself IMO.
Getting to meet others that are in the same situation and talking about everything is very helpful.
I'm proud of you for going to the meeting.

[kimdl93]

That's wonderful. You're on the verge of opening up a whole new world for yourself. Don't worry about losing the old one...you can keep as much as you want and simply allow yourself to be more!

[Angela Campbell]

I think joining a TG support group was the single most important thing I ever did that helped me make sense of all this. Being around and getting to know others who are similar allowed me to accept that I am not a freak, and I am not alone. It has helped me grow and understand myself. My first meeting was terrifying for sure and the next one was awkward. It did not take too long before I was comfortable to go out in public and the confidence just grew from there. I advise to go next time and dress there and fully allow Cassie to be brought forth into the world with the love and support of people who truly understand. You will look back one day and wonder why you were so frightened.

[Barbra P]

When I first contacted the local support group by Email I mentioned that I was still pretty much in the closet and would it be all right to attend in male-mode? They Emailed me back that not only was it all right they suggested that first timers dress en drab until they feel comfortable coming en femme. There is one member, a member of the board, who always comes in male-mode and apparently hasn’t been to a meeting en femme for several years.

While the meetings are held in a private room at a local chain restaurant, it took me several meetings before I felt I could walk through the main dining area to get to the private room while dressed en femme. Things got even scarier later when I had to go to the restroom and I was informed that I would have to use the Lady’s Room. I thought my heart was beating a mile-a-minute when I walked through the dining room, now I had to walk through it again and enter the Lady’s Room; I sear my heart was beating so fast I wasn’t sure I was going to live out the evening. I made the mistake of having a beer with dinner and I had to go a second time and this time a woman walked in as I was washing my hands. Our eyes met in the mirror, she smiled and said “Hi” and walked into one of the stalls. I quickly dried my hands and got the heck out of there.

My Therapist made it be known that it was perfectly OK to come to sessions as Barbra. It took a few months but I finely when en femme. Her office is on the third floor of a large medical clinic and to get to the elevator one has to cross a large lobby, usually crowded, with glass walls opening into large waiting rooms (X-ray, Lab, Pharmacy, etc) and wouldn’t you know a father and son got on the elevator, took the young boy about two-seconds to clock me and he stared at me all the way to the third floor. After checking in I went to the waiting area and took a seat, relieved that nobody seemed to pay any attention to me. Well right up to the point where the father and son came into the same waiting area. I can’t say how relieved I was when Kelly (my Therapist) opened the door looked around and then announced “Hi Barbra, you can come in now.”

Just take it easy, don't rush things, wait till you feel comfortable and regardless of how fast your heart is beating you'll live through it. One word of advice, avoid young children if at all possible they have an uncanny way of clocking us. Adults either don’t notice, don’t care, or are too polite to say anything – that doesn’t seem to hold true for young children.

[famousunknown]

As Cassie has emerged, I begun to wonder what does it all mean, where will I be going, just how much will Cassie take prominence in my life.

You seem to make this sound like you have no control over "Cassie". That's simply not so. YOU'RE responsible, and YOU decide what YOU do.
Do whatever you want, but please don't make it sound like you're being controlled by some invisible force.

[Alice Torn]

A lot of us live in areas, where there is no support or support groups, for TG. 12 step groups like AA, Alanon, OA, NA, Adult children Anon, but nothing for CD. Congrats on going. Easy does it! Pink Fof can make cding take over our lives, and cause us to make bad decisions. We must control cding, not let it control us.

[Beverley Sims]

Cassie, it is always good to hear of someone making smooth progress in coming out.