First couples counseling session

[Emogene]

Good evening Greenie!

My SO and I often have problems with communication. The issue is not so much our upbringing or experiential as we are male and female.

We have concluded that women tend to talk with other women to achieve the "perfect plan"; so there is much communication and fine tuning when women speak.

Men on the other hand seem to speak with a view of conveying the basic information needed to get the job done. Example, there is a bear, lets kill it, bear dead. No finess, just go bludgeon the bear until it gives up the ghost. Women on the other hand plan who is going to put out the invites, select the best weapon, determine how the least mess will be created, and who is bringing the refreshments. In both instances the bear ends up dead. The point is that men tend to assume that other men know how to kill the bear and get down to business. Period.

Our solution, to create a better communication model is that my SO will say "man speak", she is saying that she needs more information in order to assess the situation to her confort level. Since it is a preplanned and known phrase, I can respond without rancor. I just know I was not giving her what she needed in the way of information.

Maybe it would help you guys.

Hang in there, true love is worth the effort!

[Amanda M]

Greenie - I rather suspect that Bill was trying to gauge where and how your therapy needs to progress, and I would be disinclined to dump him just yet. If you feel he IS avoiding CD issues, then ask him if he is, and why. Getting you both to communicate better is a necessary start, if your communication is poor - it leads yo both to a better understanding of your situation, and helps one to he;p the other understand your/his position without ambiguity.

Hang on in there unless it is apparent that Bill really does want to duck handling the CD issues that are there.

All of that said, $145 per hour? Maybe I should move to the States!

Best,
Amanda

[sandra-leigh]

Therapy is $C160 / hour here...

[Jackie7]

In my experience, Greenie, therapy and therapists are a double-edged sword. Of course your mileage will vary, but mine could be a cautionary tale.

When I sought a gender specialist with lots of trans experience, I wound up being encouraged toward HRT and transition. The trouble was, I am not a candidate for transition, I am a hetero male CD. The therapist used the tools she had to fit me into the wrong box, the one she knew best. This accelerated the disintegration of my marriage. In despair, my then -wife and I switched to an experienced couples counsellor who had no CD experience. She correctly saw that our issues were complex and my dressing was only one of many between us, and she led us first, to a one -year experiment in holding it together, and when that fell apart, she guided us through a mostly amicable divorce. We were much better served by her than by the gender specialist.

[DonniDarkness]

Greenie,

Your therapist admittedly told you he had no experience with Crossdressing and transition. I find this peculiar, but understandable.

When you are asking him about TG or CD questions and he is derailing the subject towards something he has experience with, He is doing this because he thinks you two have problems with communication. The stories and analogies are a way for him to keep the both of you from fixating on what is bothering you individually, and move you two into a place where you can bring the communication between the two of you to a place that allows both of you to be heard. If the two of you have better communication with each other then you will be better equipped as a couple to deal with what bothers the both of you regarding CDing. If your equipped with the communication skill set, then as a couple, the woes of CDing and Transgenderism become a much easier situation to tackle together.

1st therapy sessions are always brutal. Keep it up and Talk more, Listen more and Love more.

-Donni-

[WandaRae2009]

It is important to do your homework first, and find one that specializes in Gender Issues. Check with local support groups for recommendations. My wife and I went to one such counselor. We purposely found one that was an hour away, my wife was terrified of running into someone we knew. It saved our marriage, we wouldn't be together today without the proper counselor.

[Stephanie47]

Greenie, I think your statement is at the center of the issue. Acceptance by a woman of her man's desire to cross dress is not the same as accepting sexual behavior that one desires or needs to participate in. I'm in a DADT marriage. My wife knows of my desire to wear women's clothing. She wants nothing to do with it. That's fine with me. You're accepting. However, I am getting the impression your SO wants to travel a road you're not comfortable with. You should NOT go against your personal values just because you love your SO. He should recognize your limitations.

If he is wondering whether or not he is bisexual, he has an issue he needs to explore in SEPARATE counseling. Or at least the sessions should be separate before coming together in a COUPLES setting. There is no way he can fully open up to a counselor with his partner sitting there.

And, you are correct in whether or not you want to get married with these issues unresolved. Much is always said on this site that the woman should let the man develop himself, where ever that may lead. Basically, on many of these threads the woman is told to be subservient to the wishes of the transgendered male. Do not lose site of who you are and whether your values and needs are going to be met with any particular man.

There is always a limitation of acceptance.

@ lots of people: CDing is not an "issue" per say. but my SO is bad at communication about wants and needs in general (E.G why the whole communication part of the session was so helpful). I am a pretty darn awesome SO when it comes to acceptance , It would be nice to discuss where this leaves us in a sexual nature. So I think maybe even a SEX therapist instead of a gender one. We have really good sex, but he is wondering if he is bisexual, he wants to me to try things I am not super comfortable with doing (I have even tired) and he wants to try things I cannot provide. I guess I want to talk to someone to see if getting married is a realistic expectation for both of us.

Everyone has things that the "want" but that doesn't mean they get them right?

[giuseppina]

beverly. I would hope couples who indeed feel they are ready for counseling do not waste it with that behavior. One would be a fool to assume they are innocent of mistakes. You can only be part of the solution if you admit a hand in the problem
.

Hello Greenie

You have a good attitude entering therapy. Too many expect confirmation and are upset when they don't get it.

Taking heat (and not the projectile variety) is to be expected. Your husband has to take heat as well, as he has to be part of the solution as well.

As others have suggested, asking your therapist why he is shunting the CD issue aside is a good idea. If he isn't willing to acknowledge its existence, I would be inclined to look elsewhere. It's almost like he is judging you, and once that happens, he probably can't help you because credibility is lost.

The biggest problems are caused by those who refuse to admit a problem exists.

[ReineD]

We get three free session but we have to use someone in the "network" no one in the "network" has any TG specific experience. But when we told him about the CDing before we went and asked if he had any experience he said not "directly" but was willing to try. After the first visit I am not sure he is willing to try at all.

We can find a gender therapist but without any insurance that covers it, I don't think we can afford it.

I had an issue a few years ago, finding a specialist for something when there were no in-wetwork specialists in my area. The insurance company wanted me to go out of state. I complained and said this was too much, that I wanted to see someone nearby. They balked a little, but then agreed to let me use someone locally, as long as he or she agreed to their terms. As far as I know, most insurance companies have similar terms so I don't see this as being a problem.

So don't give up, and do look for someone who is familiar with gender issues. Look for someone who is younger, I think that everyone has a chapter or two about this in their training now. lol. I do agree that you don't want to waste your time and money on someone who is not helpful to your particular needs.