To quit crossdressing

[sammont]

A few of you have probably come across my posts in another thread. We started to get off topic so I thought I'd start a new one.

It occurred to me that the quitting debate doesn't get fair coverage. What I see is the generally positive group hug embrace from these forums and ones like it (just an observation, don't attack).

I then see the moral/religious debate that tells me I'm sinning and all I need to do is replace crossdressing with a healthy dose of prayer. I'm sure this is great for many but its not my thing.

What we don't have is a control group. We don't hear from those who have quit crossdressing, not for religious reasons, not because their wife told them too, but because they made a choice and exercised a great deal of self control to do it. We don't hear from them because they're not here. They're not on the internet reading about and engaging with the cd community.

I'm trying to quit. About a year ago I acknowledged that I spent too much time on a couple of things. One of these was crossdressing. I'm married with two small children. My wife had limited knowledge of my activity, a don't ask don't tell but don't let it take over policy.

I decided to stop not because she asked me too or felt I wasn't being an awesome husband and dad. In fact we're very happy and things are going well. What I acknowledged was that I was spending way too much time, energy and money on it. None of which helped me as a person or my family as a unit.

So what did I do. I stopped. I purged all my clothes, every last item. I deleted all my online presence and I diverted my energy to my family, health and career.

So why am I back on here. Yesterday, after a busy couple of weeks and with a mild hangover I felt the old urge. So I went looking for a positive story to help me though a period of doubt. All I found was the group hug yes or the moral no. So I guess I'm trying to say there's another way.

Anyway, almost 13 months down and I haven't crossdressed in any way. The urge has been there a couple of times. But the absence of crossdressing from my life hasn't caused any major issues. I spend little time thinking about it or longing to re-engage in it. Writing on this forum has given me further resolve to stay the course.

So please feel free to comment but don't misinterpret me. I'm not trying to tell anyone to stop crossdressing and I'm certainly not saying its wrong. I'm saying that sometimes its right to quit. I'm certain it can be done and I'm giving it a red hot go.

Cheers
Sam

[Tracii G]

Can't argue with anything you said, you need to do what is right for you and your family.
I can see why someone would want to quit in certain situations.
Best of luck and keep us posted on how you do.

[Deedee Skyblue]

Sam, I've made that point several times. It is often repeated here that it is impossible to stop dressing, and look, there's nobody here who has stopped, so that proves the point. I'm a recovering alcoholic - and as part of my recovery, I never go to bars. If you go to a bar and ask, 'Is it possible to stop drinking?' the answers would range from 'Who would want to?' to 'Absolutely not.' Same thing - you don't look for people who stopped drinking at a bar, you don't look for people who stopped dressing at a CD forum.

My answer is 'Yes' - you can stop dressing. But I doubt if you will ever stop having the urge to dress. My advice is, make a list of activities you enjoy doing, and can get into at short notice, and when you feel the urge to dress, get involved in one of those activities until it passes. This is what I had to do for several years when I first began recovering. Eventually, the urge will occur less often, but it never goes away entirely.

Good luck!

Deedee

[TeresaCD]

I agree, the urge may never pass, controlling it, though difficult, may be possible.
My history suggests the urge to dress will be stronger at different times, what you do with it is up to you.

Me, I stopped fighting it, and started to acknowledge now that this is a part of who I am.
I believe I am a better husband and father for it, though I would also agree that balance is a hard thing to find.

[Angela Campbell]

I am glad you are happy. That is the important thing.

[Lynn Marie]

Thanks so much for posting this. Your observations are right on the money. I have no doubt whatsoever that thousands of CDs have quit and are doing fine. Look at all the ex smokers and ex drinkers out there. It's been over 15 years and I still occasionally think about lighting up. Of course you can control your life. If you're not controlling it, then who is? Congratulations Sam. You're my hero.

[Kate Simmons]

It's mostly a matter of choice and strong will. I can disengage in it for sometimes years at a time but when I DECIDE to do it again, it's like learning to ride a bike, you never forget, and it's like I never stopped. I used to smoke as well. I could light one up and it would be as if I never stopped. It's just my choice not to continue smoking. I also like beer and mixed drinks but because of my diabetes, I choose to limit myself as I know the result otherwise. In any case, how I choose to express myself is always my choice according to my will power. I guess I would make a pretty good Green Lantern.

[linda allen]

I've said before that if a person really wants to stop dressing in woman's clothes, he can. It's a matter of willpower and really wanting to. I quit smoking 41 years ago and quit drinking alcohol 4 years ago. No pills, no patches, no AA, no 12 step program.

[Ressie]

I've said before here that family should be more important than dressing. And CDing can become too time consuming. There are other things that need attention first. While purging isn't for most of us, congratulations to you for doing it. One day at a time just like AA.

[Karren H]

Its all a mater of priorities ..... Family and work.... crossdressing is near the bottom.... though I can quit crossdressing if I stopped taking my medication ... the urge to live superceeds the urge to stop crossdressing.... I'm trapped... I have no choices except manage it.....

[Tina B.]

Sam, a year, congratulations! I agree, I believe many crossdressers might be able to quit and depending on why they dress in the first place.
I believe there is a difference between a habit, like smoking and drinking, and a compulsion. I know why I took up smoking, and drinking, and why I quit at least I quit the smoking. But I started dressing as a very young child, and have no idea why I did, why I feel compelled to still do it 63 years latter.
I also have quit, a number of times in fact, I've gone a long as 5 to 6 years with out dressing, and for at least three of those years I was the most depressed individual, I considered many ways out of that depression, suicide, running away from family and friends and start over somewhere else, and a few other crazy ideas, then I got a good one, I told my wife about myself, started dressing again as I felt I needed to, and have lived a very happy live every since.
If you can quit, and that's really what you want for you, I wish you all the best of luck at it, wish I could have, but just didn't find it worth what it was costing me as a person.

[Amanda M]

Well Sam, it all boils down to choice, and you have made it abundantly clear that you have the will power to make that choice. Basically, we humans do whatever we do either because we are forced to, or the behavior brings us a reward. When the behaviour stops bringing a reward, or the consequences of the behavior become more unpleasant than the reward, the behavior will be modified or stop altogether. I wish you peace of mind and wisdom.

Amanda

[Barbra P]

I quit for approximately six years and for most of those years the urge to dress was either non-existent or very mild. I don’t know why the urge suddenly returned but return it did and stronger than I remembered it ever being. I felt depressed and spoke with my Physician about my depression and mentioned that I had a gender issue that might be connected with my depression. While in Medical School my Doctor wrote a thesis on crossdressers and she may have a better understanding about crossdressing than your average Physician. She referred me to a Counselor that she works with and after a lengthy two-hour session the Counselor reported back that in her opinion I should see a Licensed Therapist in the Psychiatry Department. My Doctor put through the necessary papers and the Counselor contacted several Therapists and chose one that she felt I would feel comfortable with and who had experience dealing with gender issues.

During my first visit with Kelly, my Therapist, she explained that if I was there seeking a cure I was wasting both her and my time. Medical science didn’t know the cause of crossdressing and didn’t know a cure for crossdressing and that was also true for transsexuals. I learned that not all men who wear women’s clothes are considered crossdressers; some do it simply for the sexual stimulus they feel, others may have a fetish. I also learned that transsexuals and crossdressers have one of the highest suicide rates, several times higher than the general public. Suicide is usually a result of not being able to transition for transsexuals or not being able to dress for crossdressers.

One thing I have learned is that stopping dressing and quitting smoking are totally different. Smoking is a chemical addiction, a physical habit, and a craving. There are several effective ways to break the chemical addiction including just not smoking for a period of time. Finding a suitable physical activity to take the place of the physical activity involved in smoking may be a bit more difficult for some people. Most smokers will never forget the pleasure they derived from smoking and at various times throughout their lives they will undoubtedly feel a graving to smoke. What they crave is the release of endorphins caused by smoking and probably the old familiar physical aspects involved in smoking.

According to both my Doctor and my Therapist this is totally unrelated to the underlying cause of crossdressing. Admittedly medical science doesn’t know the cause but they do know that it does not have a chemical addiction from an outside source. It probably involves pleasure causing endorphins but the release of those endorphins is not caused by injecting, inhaling, or consuming a mind altering substance.

One theory that is gaining some support is that the cause may happen in the womb. Normally gender is determined by the father at the moment of conception. However chromosomal abnormalities do occur and the chances for chromosomal abnormalities increase with age. All babies start out with female sex organs and the male organs form from chemical stimulation of the female organs. The theory is that something may go wrong during this transition period that develops some years after birth into the “I feel like a woman trapped inside a man’s body.” Depending on the intensity of these thoughts the person may develop into either a transsexual or a crossdresser. Either way the situation is a lot more complex when it comes to not dressing than quitting smoking.

[Amy Fakley]

Rock on wit' ya bad self! :-)

You can easily quit crossdressing. Put yourself in a situation where you can't have access to women's clothes. Done and done :-)

now ... of course ... for some of us this just puts our brains in a pressure cooker until the frustration and depression or whatever seeps out of our pores. For others it doesn't, and I don't think it's said often enough around here, that there are people in the world for whom this is completely optional.

Speaking for myself ... my kids are at day camp for the next 15 minutes and I've been dressed to the 9s the last hour because that's all I'm gonna get this week. Given long enough without, I do begin to get the pressure cooker effect, but I find that when I need to, I can keep it at arm's length for extended periods of time without completely loosing my grip on reality. I once went nearly 5 years without any dressing ... but like an old friend that always comes around eventually ... I wind up back where I started.

I've learned to enjoy the ride and not get too hung up about it.
It's just who I am ... best of luck on your journey :-)

[Melissa73]

omg! this hit home big for me. I gave up dressing when I got married in 2011. figured my wife wouldn't want man who dresses. And at first it was all good with it. but the urgedid come back and I was stuck without a way to indulge it! I admit I went to goodwill. salvation army just to try on clothes. And outside that, I relived my crossdressing through dreams! (and man were they very sexual dreams. But with that as my only way to express my urge.... I was getting very moody and very irriated! it lead me and my wife to separate (course she is gay now), but not b4 I finally had to tell her that I wear womens clothes. when I said those magic words, my irriation subsided and I was more calm and reasonable.

moral: crossdressing is apart of us and we cannot give it up for anyone! we must embrace it..........

and as for the religion aspect, I sincerely believe, God is not gonna punish me and not allow me in heaven cuz I wore womens clothes.


melissa

[StevieInALilyetteBra]

Although you may be able to stop the activity for some period of time and the desire may wax and wane I think it is dangerous to not realize: 1. It is part of who we are and 2. It is harmless to all but judgemental traditionslists. Gender (not sex) is a prison.

[Farrah]

Im with you. I stopped about 4 years ago. I'm not saying i will never do it again, but I don't see doing it in he foreseeable future. I still come here from time to time to live through he dressing of others. It really comforts me when I get the urge. I'm glad I'm not the only xcrossdresser that still logs on to crossdressers.com. Good look in all you do!

[Frédérique]

It occurred to me that the quitting debate doesn't get fair coverage. What I see is the generally positive group hug embrace from these forums and ones like it.

Well, you see, this is a lot like going on a forum for model airplane builders and stating that you’re trying to stop all the nonsense – how well do you think you’re going to be received? I’m on an artist discussion forum, and I’ve never seen someone say they would like to stop painting and do something meaningful with their life. I know, you’re equating crossdressing with other, more debilitating perverted sexual practices, and my argument must make NO sense to you, but you’re on a site where people are the way they are, through no fault of their own (for the most part), and the idea of stopping crossdressing is, to them, like considering cessation of breathing…

[Beverley Sims]

In order to stop, you have to find an interest that transcends crossdressing.

[Dianne S]

Sure, it's possible to stop cross-dressing. If you really want to and if you have the willpower, you can do it.

On the other hand... I don't want to stop. I enjoy it, it's harmless, and (at least for me) it's relatively cheap as pastimes go. My wife is sort-of OK with it (she knows and tolerates, but doesn't particularly encourage.)

As far as religion goes, I have no religion. I guess I'm somewhat militantly atheist, so thoughts of what "God" might think about cross-dressing never cross my mind.

[kimdl93]

A year is a moment in a lifetime. You're welcome to choose a path that works for you. Just plan on coping with recurring "urges "

[mary something]

Almost all women who I know crossdress, matter of fact it is so accepted that they go out in public like that all the time! They see each other shamelessly wearing jeans that were initially designed as only for men. They even wear short sleeve shirts that were made for men to wear. Over the last 50 to 75 years they have even forgotten to feel ashamed about it anymore. All of the women I have dated in my life were always wanting to wear some of my clothes, every girl I have ever been with was a crossdresser. Matter of fact I've even had some girlfriends who I wasn't even intimate with that wanted to wear my shirts sometimes, what a bunch of weirdo's right?

I don't think you have a crossdressing problem, I think you have a problem with personal shame. Sure society will take away your man card if they find out you like to crossdress just like every woman on the planet almost. I doubt your need to crossdress is really that strong though is it? Just do it every now and again if need be and close the blinds. Heck, Cary Grant almost exclusively wore panties and he was still quite a man.

Don't let societies misguided and completely ignorant views on some topics make you feel bad about yourself.

[RebeccaLynne]

Sam, thanks for starting this thread. I find it quite refreshing, as there have been many past threads inquiring as to why we rarely hear from those who've decided to quit.

I believe you need to do whatever it takes to make you happy and contented. If eschewing CD'ing is what you need, then I wish for your success.

Well, you see, this is a lot like going on a forum for model airplane builders and stating that you’re trying to stop all the nonsense – how well do you think you’re going to be received?

Nothing nonsensical was uttered in the OP, nor was it a call to cease and desist. I, for one, am quite receptive to entertaining the notion of living a life without crossdressing, although it wouldn't work for me...

Frederique, Sam is stating that quitting is an option for some that feel the need. Not that you or I do; he's merely presenting the viewpoint of one who's decided that crossdressing may be an impediment, rather than an enhancement, of one's enjoyment of life.

Every topic benefits from a point-counterpoint discourse... that's what keeps it interesting, and keeps us all staying tuned to see what happens next...

'C'mon, Freddy, this just has to provide material for your next engrossing thread... I know you'll generate one worthy of discussion... don't wanna let boredom set in, now, do we?

[marlenesexton]

Are you truly quitting forever? I curtailed my dressing as my kids got older and it was harder to find time to dress. Both my wife and I felt uncomfortable with my dressing when they were old enough to understand and at home. That went for her too. No more dress up nights for either of us. We relegated that kind of adult fun for when they were gone and thankfully my parents took them often. I never planned on quitting forever. We made a choice to have kids and accepted the limitations that put on our lives. But when they are gone, anything goes.

If this is what you truly want, good for you. But quitting doesn't have to be forever. Your wife might become more accepting when the kids are no longer a factor. She might not but may not care if you engage privately since your kids are on their own and you have the extra money, time, energy. Just a thought. Ultimately, its up to you. If it makes you happy, fits your life's priorities and your doing it for the right reasons, sounds like you're making the right decision.

[Andiblue]

I quit crossdressing in college, but stopped going out and being active in high school.

I'm not sure this forum is exactly right for me, but a few years later, I'm still having trouble letting go of it.