HELP....Was outed......Need Advice........

[linda allen]

If you're hiding your dressing from your wife, you will get caught at some point. I did. If you're running around your own neighborhood dressed, you will get caught at some point.

You took a chance and you got caught. The chances are, this will get back to your wife at some point so you probably need to tell her about your dressing. You don't need to tell her about your neighbor seeing you, she may find out eventually, she may not, but if she does, you have it covered by having already told her about the dressing.

Best of luck, I hope it goes well for you.

[Princess Grandpa]

Jennifer please let us know how you handle this and how it plays out

Hugs thinking about you
Rita

[Kaitlyn Michele]

Sorry this happened but you are caught..
xdressing will not be the same for you.

It's spilt milk, but the makeover in male mode and go home idea was beyond risky ..if you had a therapist they would ask you if you wanted to get caught.

The seed of this will grow and grow inside your head and it will be there for many years unless you come clean..
its a tough choice because only you know your wife and i'm sure you have a gut instinct about her reaction, but not knowing her the advice you are getting is good...only BAD things will happen every day you let go by w/o telling your wife..

and its probably best to tell her you were caught, is there anyone here that is married that honestly would not tell their wife or husband about this??

I am trying to keep a secret about my daughter right now from my EX wife and its driving me crazy

[stefan37]

What a tangled web of deceit in hopes of staying in the shadows. What is done is done. Pleading and carrying on is a sure way to raise suspicion. I would just tell him the truth. Your wife will be a whole other can of worms. The fact you have keep this hidden from her for so long will probably feel and I hope I am wrong a sense of betrayal. I am in the camp of full disclosure to our loved ones as early in the relationship as possible. However that is no longer an option. You really have no option but to put your big girl panties on and come clean. If for some reason your wife does find out through the grapevine, the fallout will be much worse. At least you have the opportunity to control the message. I do not envy you nor the anxiety you feel over such a disclosure. But the truth is really the more you can express yourself openly the better you will feel about yourself overall. If you want to go out in public, even if you think you are discreet, You really need to be prepared to be outed. That is just the way it is.

I wish you luck and hopefully things will turn out just fine. Fear is a powerful emotion and usually our fears are unfounded when truth is disclosed. My situation is a bit different as I am actively transitioning, but I kept it hidden for a long time. I started being more open a couple of years ago and found that my fears of people finding out were for the most part a non issue. You may find yourself your biggest fears about disclosure to be nothing to fret about.

[Michelle (Oz)]

Jennifer, I can understand your reaction to the panic of being sprung. The risks we take makes dressing exciting but has consequences. Too late now but my guess is that the more we express concern when outed the more likely it is to be a continuing issue. I hope not for your sake.

One observation on some of the replies to your post. Telling your wife is not something to be done without a great deal of care and thought. Yes, it can be liberating but disclosure threatens relationships. At the least, be prepared for your wife to find out and think through the sort of things you might say. Again, saying less is often better than overreacting.

[2B Natasha]

There is one issue that hasn't been addressed here. What the hell was he doing in your pool, particularly when he told you he was going out of town with his family?

Really?! With his marriage potentially on the line ( we all hope not ) and in a probable near panic attack of what to do next. You think this issue should be a topic of discussion. WOW.

[kimdl93]

I think you'll be surprised at his response. he could have stormed out immediately or reacted viscerally. Despite being a good ol boy and being set in his ways, it seems he's more open minded than you expected.

For now, take a breath, invite him over for a beer and talk it through.

As for your wife, wouldn't life be a lot easier if you could come out to her?

[Barbra P]

I saw a sign in a hospital years ago that said “Worry does you about as much good as sticking a pin in your navel to relieve gas.” You can wring your hands, sweat, lose sleep, and get indigestion over whether or not your neighbor will say anything, or you can actually take control and do something about the situation.

Your neighbor may actually be your friend and your friendship may mean a lot to him, or it may not; you are in a far better position to tell that than anyone here on the forum. But he is married and I would suspect that his feelings for his wife run much deeper than his feelings for you. Let’s not forget that things get said during those playful moments of passion that might otherwise never get said. While rollicking in the boudoir she breathlessly utters something to which he replies with “Well I saw our neighbor … ” and the cat is out of the bag. Husbands and wives talk and many husbands don’t keep secrets from their wives, regardless of what you see in the TV sitcoms; funny how those secrets always come to light during the show. I’d have to assume that the neighbor’s wife gains access to your secret sooner or later and I see her as your greatest danger – she tells your wife or she tells her best friend down the block, who tells her best friend, ad infinitum, until someone tells your wife.

Plus there is a child involved here and your neighbor may feel it is important to discuss what he saw with his wife. The child may also be the one to bring it up with his mother, and I seriously doubt if your neighbor is going to cya if that happens, even if he is your buddy. The boy asked who the lady was, have you thought about what your answer is going to be if it gets back to your wife that a lady entered your house while she was away?

I’d take Kalista’s advice and initiate some sort of damage control. I’d also sit down with your neighbor and answer his questions truthfully; I don’t see that you have anything to lose at this point.

I wish you luck, but I think you are in for a bumpy ride.

[Chickhe]

Do not attempt to explain how you feel, you won't communicate it properly... just tell your friend/wife that you find it fascinating and its sort of a social experiment that you tried and found it enjoyable (you want to appear to be joyful, happy, not scared, you need to be proud of what you did and accept no shame for it, just brush off any negativity, laugh with them about it, be bold and open) Don't let your friend hold it over you (recount something that he did that he would not want the world to know), I think you need to somehow tell your wife (maybe start with...'you know how crazy guys are... well, I was watching youtube's Jessica Who and it looked like fun, so I tried it...anyway...I scared the heck out of ....who was in our pool!). My advice would be to get her involved in your CDing before anything like this happens. I think you want to minimize any shock and surprise in advance, but if not in advance, then cushion the impact, make it appear like fun to everyone. You will loose if you accept any shame, it was just a 'stupid guy trick'....

[famousunknown]

Take your friend and talk lots of guy stuff. At some point assure him: 1) you're not gay (assumption on my part, based on statistics), 2) that it's not something you choose to do, but something you're compelled to do, that it is part of you and has been so for your entire life, 3) and that you'd appreciate (wink wink wink) his discretion. Your mileage may differ.

Seriously, I think that you are panicking for no reason. Don't let your friend know that he can lord this over you. Just tell him that you'd prefer to keep it private, but that you're prepared to deal with the consequences if he doesn't value your friendship and chooses to blab like the girl he is.

Rhonda

Not something you choose to do, but something you're compelled to do ???
Right. Tell him you were forced to do it a gunpoint. I'm sure he'll buy that.

[Beverley Sims]

Jut keep the man to man thing going with him and self denial might take over.
If you keep asking him to keep it secret he is more likely to blurt it out.
Just rely on him and hope he does not betray a confidence.
If he asks you questions just reply honestly and don't embellish your statements.

[MarinaKirax]

You have to believe he will tell his wife. He will. No one can hold in a secret that is so relevant and immediate, and so titillating (bad word here?)

Therefore you must contain the knowledge about your dressing to the couple, and hope they have no other super-best-ultimate-forever friends that they simply cant not tell.. That is at least a bit more likely than a husband keeping it from his wife. But to control the story at the couple, you will need to approach them as a couple, and therefore you need to tell your wife.

You dont need to tell anyone else at work, but you need your wife on side. You will have to present it to her and have her quickly decide that she prefers presenting a united front with you at the neighbours, to potentially having your secret known to her friends and your kids. If it were me, I'd suggest you and your wife go and speak with the other couple and explain what your neighbour saw, and say that this is an issue which your wife has known about, and which is deeply personal, and changes nothing about the person you are. You need the support of your wife, I think, so the other wife wont keep her kids away from the 'strange man' on the street, then questions will be raised, rumors will start. Come painfully and wholesomely clean couple to couple, and you have a chance of containment. But get your wife in the frame, like now. My 2 cents. MK

[Angela Campbell]

Well you made the choice to do something very risky to start with. You go and get a makeover then drive into your neighborhood like that, well....you will be seen eventually. No question at all.

Ok you have been seen. He has already told his wife. No two ways about it. The child saw too I am sure. He may not have known exactly what he saw but he saw something. Either way it is just a matter of time until your wife knows. It may be worse if the child tells about you being there with some strange lady when the wife is away.

Tell her now. You made the choice to risk being outed and now you are. Don't try to cover it up it will just be harder.

[Jean 103]

Tuff break, but you were a little careless. I disagree with most of the posts. I would advice you to not say anything and this will most likely be forgotten. Your friend will problem not tell his wife. Men as you know do not tell all. You know your wife, do not rush this. She probably knows. If you want to continue you secret be more careful. If it is your wish to be out then tell her. I have been seen driving and caught by my wife. This will blow over if you let it be. Sorry life is not always easy or fair.

[Ressie]

For right now he probably doesn't wanna lose his pool privileges. I mean if he betrays you, your friendship will be strained. It's too bad you weren't able to pretend you were a woman that lost her dog or something. Maybe this happened for a reason, since you took such a big risk. Try not to get too stressed out Jennifer.

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Jenn, Please keep us advised on your little predicament , One thing that I do know is that you CAN'T unring a bell.

[Aly Cat]

See, this is the difference between most guys and most girls. Most(not all) guys have a very laid back mentality and when they have friendships, those friendships last through most things. Obviously not extreme things like cheating and whatnot, but average things that would shock average public, male friends take in stride. They may make a few snide remarks or some little jabs, but if youre friends with them, its mostly in fun. Women are a different story. The closer of a relationship you have with them, the higher potential for them to take it personally, even though they have more to gain from it lol.

I wouldnt lay the burden of your secret on your friend for keeping it from his wife and inevitably your wife. Thats just not right for anyone to have to shoulder. But if you let him know you aren't quite ready to let the whole world know, I'm sure hell be fine with it.
My advice though is like most others here. If its a secret from your wife, you need to tell her. Your secret from your wife shouldnt be his secret from his wife. Thats not fair to him.
This coming from someone who just told his wife 6 months ago after ten years, its not fair for her not to know. Yes, you have the potential of having your world turned upside down, but at least you will be transparent to the one who truly cares for you. And that is the most important thing.

[Jennifer72]

Thanks everyone,

I agree that I will have to be honest with my wife as she deserves this.

It may appear that I was careless and maybe I was but I know my neighborhood, and that time of day is 99% empty. Previously I have only gone out at night. The only neighbor who is home early in the day is my buddy across the street and he was supposed to be taking his family out of town and postponed it for a day unexpectedly.

My good pal has confided some of his infidelities to me over the years and I certainly don't plan on using this as a bargaining chip but I am hoping that this knowledge will keep his silence at least until I can get the right moment to tell my wife.

Thanks again for all your great advice and I am going to take baby steps as I try to figure out the best way to approach my wife. You are all so wonderful and I'm glad to be part of this family.

[Nicole Erin]

I am guessing you are probably CD and have no intentions of living full time as a woman. Well I mean after 30 years of this, you would not be in the closet otherwise...

ANYways... here is what I see being the case -
He will tell his wife, your own wife will find out either by you or your friend's wife. You will get asked all these stupid questions; Are you gay, do you want to be a woman, how long have you done this, Who else knows, AND they each will probably mention how they know this one CD/TS who REALLY looks good and you could never tell etc...
then the ol lady will say she doesn't want to see it, then soon after, everyone will find something else to gossip about.

[flatlander_48]

Thanks everyone,

I agree that I will have to be honest with my wife as she deserves this.

Yes, do that. The problem is that is you don't try to get in front of this and it blows up, that's a very hard position to come back from. The is not an easy thought process and people sometimes act in unpredictable ways. Consider what you would think if you were on the other side...

[Kate T]

As you have been almost universally told my personal opinion is the best option for you is to tell your wife. She will be FAR FAR more likely to be accepting if you tell her vs her finding out.
Your friend will be fine, don't worry.
One thing though. If that child gets into trouble / is accused of not telling the truth because he / she maybe says something and you try to deny it that would be unforgivable in my book. Children should NEVER have to worry about getting in to trouble because of our "mistakes".

[Jaylyn]

I would tell her and then hug and say I love you and thought you should know. My wife knows because I told her. She said that was one of the most personal feelings and loving her that much to let her in on my deepest feelings. She said she thinks more of me for letting her know. My dressing has gotten way more relaxed and better now. As someone else has said read up and have your answers ready. Tell her your deepest feelings on the issue but do so in love for her.

[Megan Thomas]

Just don't be surprised if you get a little backlash from her for only telling her after being caught. She might levy at you, fairly I might add, that were it not for being caught you'd not be telling her. Be prepared for this possibility... And good luck.

[daviolin]

This is one of the reasons I told my wife of my dressing. Now if anyone sees me, I don't care what the think. Daviolin

[linda allen]

It may appear that I was careless and maybe I was but I know my neighborhood, and that time of day is 99% empty.................

99% empty means that the odds are you will be seen one out of every one hundred times you do something that you don't want to be seen doing.

It's important for those of us who are in the closet or partially in the closet to realize that there is always a chance of being caught. Always a chance.

So, hopefully, we figure the odds beforehand and then roll the dice.