Harbinger/Reversal

[Betty_42]

Okay I know I haven't been around that much and I do apologize. Fact of the matter is I've been going through a lot in my life and I'm very confused right now. I suppose I should start at the beginning? Now I've been extremely depressed and I'm honestly not sure how to handle matters anymore? Below are my latest two entries in a blog I maintain elsewhere. I feel these would should some light on my issues...

Harbinger:
Now that I've collected myself and I have a couple of theories, I've decided that I should post about this yet again. One thing is perfectly clear however, this cannot continue. Something has to happen. I have two theories on the meaning of these events which I'm about to share with you...

Now a few days ago in the morning, I was in the kitchen making waffles for my wife. Once again, I stared at the knives in the block and then at my wrists. I thought to myself, "I wonder how long it would take her to find me in the bathtub? Surely she'll begin to wonder what was going on after I didn't return with the waffles?" I've had suicidal thoughts like this on occasion for several months now...

I'm thinking this. I was primarily concerned about her finding me because I'm starting to wonder if she actually cares for me. It's also possible that I don't really want to die. That I want her to "save me" so to speak. The reasoning being that that would prove that she does in fact care about me... However I'm really not so sure? I'm really not sure about anything anymore...

Also, I've decided something! I'm going to be myself and consequences be damned! I don't care if my mother-in-law doesn't approve. And i don't care if my wife doesn't approve. I'm finally putting myself first! (End post)

Reversal:
Okay so my wife left with my mother-in-law yesterday to go out to eat and they specifically said that I can't come along... So I sat in the back room here, "hiding like Osama" and chain smoking yes? Obviously, I was a tad worried! I'm fairly certain by this point that they both knew that I was not happy, although precisely to which extent, I do not know. Anyway, they eventually got back and I helped them with the groceries and when my wife came back in, she left an adorable Hello Kitty bag on my laptop which was sitting on the bed where I always sit... I eventually got back and found the bag. I opened it up not knowing what to expect and there was a card there with two pairs of panties in my favorite styles (thong and cheeky), and a push-up bra that was pretty close to my size. I'm a 36 strap and this is a 34. Still usable however! And some makeup. The card had a pen written inscription that read: "This is just my way of saying, I love you, and wanted you to know, you are my femboy!!! So when we are at home you can be who you wish. Soon we will move out again and be on our own. - Love Marlena"

So long story short, I told my wife that I will take more time as there is clearly much to consider. In any case, it probably wouldn't be a good idea to move out next month anyway as that's when classes start at Kaplan University and I'll most certainly want to get that straightened out anyway. I should call them in a week or so actually... (End post)

I'm taking this nice, slow, and easy however as I want to make the right move. I told my wife that I'll need more time to think about what I'm doing here. Although I do have an "exit strategy" I should add as well as a place I can go if things ever get bad. Among the lessons life has taught me, it's always good to have a contingency! But I simply will not actuate this until I absolutely know for certain that I have no other choice as I'm also not an asshole...

[sandra-leigh]

It sounds like your wife does care for you and your happiness, and is acknowledging that although things are not the best for you now, that there are plans in the works to make things better.

At this point it is not clear why you would need an exit strategy? Is speaking of that an indirect way of saying that although something concrete is in the works, you are concerned that you will not be able to survive until then?

Could you speak of what kinds of things you are feeling especially chaffed at in your present situation? Possibly someone might have some advice on them.

[Betty_42]

Well I should've been more clear in retrospect? Yeah the exit strategy was set in place actually before either of these posts were written. Now truth be told, my feelings on the matter aren't so clear and I'm mostly confused at this point... I mean, it appears she's (finally) making an actual effort and so I suppose a good plan would be to figure out how deep that really goes? Although so help me, if she yells at me one more time, I'm gonna break down and just ****ing leave! Sure I'll be hurting, but I'll have Captain Morgan anyway...

[Beverley Sims]

I feel that a lot of patience is in order and you probably need to take things even more slowly.
I am sure it will work out of you do not push the envelope too fast.

[Betty_42]

Alright Beverley! Noted and logged! I'll just take it one day at a time... Today seemed okay? So far, so good. (So what?)

[Erica2Sweet]

...Also, I've decided something! I'm going to be myself and consequences be damned! I don't care if my mother-in-law doesn't approve. And i don't care if my wife doesn't approve. I'm finally putting myself first! (End post)...

Putting yourself first is not what traditional marriage is about for people who actually want to make it work. Quite the contrary, it is often a test of just how much one can be selfless in the face of many challenges coming at us all at once. What you're asserting above by saying "to hell with the consequences" sounds both selfish and reckless in my opinion.

The rest of the post, to me, sounds like a cry for attention on your part. You're set to start college and have what seems to be a supportive wife. Economically, times are hard right now all over the world. it's forced people to rearrange their lives in ways they never thought they would, my family included. But we survive and go on together as a family, not contemplate an "exit strategy" for each of us to save ourselves, leaving the rest of our loved ones to fend for themselves. Again, it sounds pretty selfish to me. Maybe it's time for a priorities check.

Did you ever stop to think that maybe it's all a test being conducted by a higher power to see what you are actually made of?

[giuseppina]

Hello Betty,

I'm not going to mince words with you. While I'm not qualified in nor do I have any training in mental health, your post has the hallmarks of a mood disorder written all over it. I see clinical depression, but it's up to a psychiatrist or other duly qualified and licensed mental health practitioner to determine exactly what the problem is. Suicidal ideation is not part of a healthy thought pattern.

Please consider starting the process for treatment. Your family doctor can prescribe antidepressants or other medications as s/he sees fit and refer you to a licensed mental health practitioner.

If you are prescribed antidepressants, they need about two or three months to determine if the drug on trial actually works. Not all drugs work for everyone, and there is no way to determine in advance which drug will work without actually trying it. The best treatment combines drugs with talk therapy. There are some very good books out there by Dr. David Burns among others. Dr. Burns is or was a member of the psychiatry department at Stanford.

I'm afraid tertiary education may be too much for you at this time, especially if you're in a heavy math, science, or engineering program. It's a big adjustment for anyone, let alone someone who is clinically depressed. Depression affects your ability to think in a negative way. A failure is not something you need at this time, as it will only drive you further downhill. Your health is more important than education at this time.

[Betty_42]

Well there is a trial period for the college I'm attending and so I'll be sure to take note of what I'm feeling during that period. Although it's also interesting to note that the last few weeks have been uneventful and so it is possible that this has passed... As for being selfish, I've been selfless for so long that I'm actually starting to feel as if I'm losing myself. It's okay to think of number one every now and again, because you won't really have much if you don't! The truth is that I was getting tired. Tired of always putting others ahead of me. Tired of worrying about everything but myself and how I feel. Now that said, I do not believe that I'm clinically depressed. I believe that this is only temporary. That I will get through this. Also, I don't think I actually want to die. I think that I'm just wondering if anyone would know or care if I did die. But please just relax now! I've been through a lot worse... As for the exit strategy, that's a touchy subject. You gotta understand that I thought of this plan back when I was absolutely convinced that my wife and everyone else around here didn't actually care about me! But with these new things showing up, even that isn't so clear anymore... I clearly just need more time...

[Brynna M]

Erica,

There's always a trade off in being selfless and being spent beyond functioning. Some time you need some time/effort for yourself. You fall apart and any relationship you're involved in will feel repercussions of it.

With that said

Betty,

Rather than "i don't care what anyone thinks. I'm doing something for myself" sometimes a more uniting approach is to ask for help because you're in need of support. (i.e "I'm just spent. I need some help to get myself together. I'm asking for some time/space/acceptance/patience? Can you do/give that for me?")

Your comments about suicidal thoughts and chain smoking and captain morgan are all kind of warning signs that you are stressed beyond the point of functioning. Regardless of whether it is temporary or caused by circumstances depression that reaches the point of suicidal gestures (i.e. half hearted attempts) is something that changes you. Be careful with your mind. The most insidious thing about depression is that it makes you really believe that there is nothing wrong with you its just that things are that bad.

Good luck and take care of yourself and your wife.