I need someone to talk to, badly, about so many things in my life. I'm hurting, deep inside, and feel so trapped and torn.
I don't like to just throw my thoughts and feelings out there into the wind, but I feel desperate. I don't really have many people in my life, and those who are, I feel as though I am so limited on what I can and can not say to them. My family.... well, my relationship with them is not good. They are so judgmental, and have openly voiced their disappointments about me on so many levels. And when I feel I can talk to them, they act as though they 1) don't want to listen to me or hear anything I have to say, or 2) even worst... They Just Plain Don't Care.
My closest friends are much the same, except the ones who act as though they do care, I feel limited as to what I can comfortably share with them.
I haven't any money, in fact that is one of my biggest problems I've got resting on my conscience, the lack of any income and the lack of a job,and the feeling I have no future. So I can't afford to go talk to a therapist.
The one person in my life, who has been the closest to me, has been my ex girlfriend. We just broke up a few months ago, because we got to a point where we were fighting constantly about pretty much everything. I realized it was unhealthy and toxic to our relationship, so we talked it over, agreed to call things off for awhile, and remain as just close friends. Well now, she has completely moved on, started a serious relationship with a new man, and has led me on, and lied to me about a lot of things. I caught her in her lies, and once she knew I did, admitted to them. The whole story here is much deeper then this, but as a matter of it, I've gotten seriously hurt by it. A lot of it has to do with fact that we've dated for nearly ten years, and she's been the closest person to me, and I feel as though I have to completely walk away, and take her out of my life. She's violated my trust, beyond repair. And now, I don't have her to talk to anymore.
I'm so lost... Hurt... and Broken. I can't sleep at night. Then in the day, that's all my body is wanting to do. I've lost all ambition for the things that I once took joy in. I try to keep myself busy, but have to much free time. I've tried taking walks to clear my head, but that only makes matters worst, in the next thing I know, I've walked 20 or 30 miles, for hours of the day. My legs physically hurt, and I've got blisters on my feet. I'll come home, struggling to just be able to stand, or walk from one room of the house to another.
I'm depressed, and hate it. Seems too, like no matter what I do, something worst always follows. I'm 32 years old, live at home with my parents, never have moved out, living at the same old house I've grown up in, since I was born. My parents hate it, we fight because of it. They want me out, but treat me so much like a child. But I can't afford to move out. Never have been able to. Best job I ever had, never paid me enough. I worked there for 8 years, working my way up, but they never increased my pay. Then one day, just before Christmas in 2010, they (my bosses at that job) told me, I was losing my job, after the holiday. I've tried going back to school, but even that has seem to be a struggle. The school I've been going to, changed the way their credit hours are issued, and it has caused me, to have to take numerous classed that I've already have taken, over again. Then, on the second time around in some of these classes, I've failed.
I've got debt piling up, like everyone else, so I've tried finding a job to help pay the bills. But nobody wants to work with me, around a school schedule, or even pay anything much more then a dollar over minimal wage. Last job I had, I worked for a mechanic's garage, driving an hour out of my way, one direction, just for $8.35 an hour, to be a shop boy. My boss there was a total A@@, abused the heck out of me verbally, threw empty beer bottles at me, while cursing and talking in a very demeaning manner towards me in front of customers. He would insult me in any way he could, just to make himself look much superior. I hated it, but bared through it, because I needed that job. Well, at the beginning of this year, he let me go, because his business was failing to bring in new customers, and he wasn't retaining many old ones too. Those established ones, also weren't having as many issues with their cars, that required a ton of work. Plus, he started hiring other people in which he didn't have the work for, so he had to let go of a bunch of us, all at once.
I've been living off what little savings I had, (it's all gone now) and unemployment. I've looked for something, anything, but haven't found anything yet. I started working at a local museum, helping with research on artifacts, setting up displays, putting together presentations for visitors, and for when we take exhibits on the road. I absolutely LOVE working there.... But, I'm classified as a volunteer, and I'm unpaid. That's because the museum is a strict non-profit organization, and we are literally running on a shoe string budget. We take in donations, but they are barely enough to cover operating expenses. The head of the museum's foundation, and head curator had pretty much labeled me, as second in command of all the museum's activities. I've been in charge of all the media and publicity for the museum. He's even tasked me with writing for grants, but as it is now, any extra expenses needed for the museum's operating budget, he personally covers out of his own pocket. Again, I Love what I do there, but reality sets in, and I don't get paid, and I need an income. Him and I have talked about this, and he realizes that when, and if I ever find a job, it's going to cut down on what I can do there. He's became a good friend to me, but I still feel as though I can't tell him somethings. Especially close personal issues, like my cross dressing.
I joined a CD support group awhile back, but due to my school schedule, and where I live vs where this group is at, I haven't been able to be actively involve with them. Plus again, I don't have the extra money laying around to go out with them. I've talked to one member of the group a few times, I like them, but I feel as though They talk more then they listen, and I can't get a word in otherwise.
Sorry for the long winded writing, I just need someone to talk to.
Originally Posted by KellyJameson
