Coming out...

[Hannah W.]

Hi everyone,

I'm plucking up the confidence to speak with my wife tomorrow about my cross-dressing. Do you think that avoiding terms such as 'cross-dressing' etc helps in this predicament?? I was planning on saying that i 'Like dressing up in girls clothes' as it seems slightly less risque...

Any thoughts???

[stacycoral]

Miss Hannah, girl I can't tell you want to say, I only will say I wishyou the best, I told my now wife about 23 years ago before we were married and she has lived with me since, sometimes it isn't the easy but we make it work, hugs girl

[Jenniferathome]

I don't think the word is as big a deal as the image she will have.

I highly recommend you prepare, write down what you want to say and memorize it, kind of prepared. In my signature is what I wrote and memorized. "Cross dress" is exactly what you do so I think a fair term to use. Be prepared for "Are you gay?" and "Do you want to transition?" Answer every question 100% honestly and then give her time to do some research and ask more questions. Once the genie is out, you are all in.

Good luck

[candydawn75]

Hannah I wish you the best of luck. I too don't have any real advice and mine started from the wife as bedroom fun and grown from there. I can say to get to wear some women's clothing in drab mode I have been VERY OPEN and honest that
1. I AM NOT GAY!!! and do not think about sex with a male.
2. I love the look and feel.
3. That like her I like to be able to feel pretty and change with my moods etc.
4. Dressing make me feel good about myself.

Good luck!!

[Kate Simmons]

It really depends on the individual person and how they will react. Some women don't like the idea of their man looking like a woman, others have no problem with it.

[Hannah W.]

Thanks all, my wife is really switched on, intelligent and liberal - I imagine (hope!) that she doesnt think that i'm gay if I tell her! Just thinking what phrase would soften the blow rather that saying "i'm a cross-dresser"?

[Sister Rachel]

I can't see what's so terrible about " cross-dresser"? Translates to Latin as "transvestite" .. what's the big deal? " I like to wear female clothes" .. it's all the same issue, really. I really hope it goes well for you, whatever x

[Lynn Marie]

Seems to me there's a very well written post on how to come out to your SO. I've seen links to it many times. Maybe one of the more experienced girls here will post it.

My advice? Be very gentle and try hard to see things from her point of view. You are going to be putting her through a traumatic experience and you've kept the truth from her for some time. How would you feel if she dropped a "bomb" on you?

[Leona]

Dunno how to answer. I introduce it as a sex game, and then after a few times of that, I said something like "I think I'd like to wear clothes like that from time to time, nonsexually. Maybe more normal clothes." YMMV.

[Debglam]

Hey Hannah.

I actually just posted about coming out to my daughter a few seconds ago.

Look, my advice based on coming out to my own wife and family is this:

If you are going to be honest, BE HONEST. If you feel that you are a crossdresser, call it that. If you feel that you are more transgender then call it that. Whatever you call it, be crystal clear and answer any questions she has honestly. It is like pulling off a bandaid, you can't just ease it off. I tried to soft soap things and had to tell my wife the whole story TWICE because I confused things.

[candydawn75]

It that is what more what you are asking I have to agree with Leona and say I have NO idea. I too started in the bedroom and moved on from there. Heck you might try that "Hey ever wanted to be with another women??" ;p lolololol jk jk not sure I would say that but wouldn't it be fun to see the look!! ;p

[Hannah W.]

Thanks all for the kind words and excellent advice, at the moment I'm in a very good place as regards speaking with her tomorrow...just scared that my nerve will fail at the last moment - really, really don't want to upset her more than anything

[Barbara Ella]

Hannah, great advice here. Be honest. Say what you mean and mean what you say. Do not let your wife wonder what you are. Do not let her google female dresser etc. If you are a crossdresser, own it. My wife laughed at me until she saw the fright in my eyes about coming out to her. then she cried for two weeks. Be prepared to talk and talk, and don't stop talking. There will be so much she will not know, and as she begins to educate herself she will have so many more questions and concerns. Just be honest, and be there for her continually.

Barbara

[I Am Paula]

It that is what more what you are asking I have to agree with Leona and say I have NO idea. I too started in the bedroom and moved on from there. Heck you might try that "Hey ever wanted to be with another women??" ;p lolololol jk jk not sure I would say that but wouldn't it be fun to see the look!! ;p

Unless your female SO is admittedly and openly bi, never, ever call her, or suggest she may be, a lesbian. Any dialog you had will go right out the window. Not even as a joke!

[Wildaboutheels]

There are quite a few here who INSIST that a CDing disclosure by itself can't/won't end a Relationship. These folks clearly need to do a little more reading. Plenty have reported here, that it did in fact, END their Relationships. In some cases, ones of many years.

And LOVE does not conquer all.

Just because your wife LOVES you does not mean she will/must accept.

Nor does the fact, she is intelligent or open minded guarantee anything.

Yes, she MIGHT fully accept, and you might be sporting smooth legs or any other body parts 24 hours from now.

Or, you might be sleeping on the couch for a long time or be looking for other living accommodations within a month.

TELLING is always a roll of the dice.

Of course, you could end up in a DADT, which obviously works for MANY members here despite the fact that many others claim, it is wrong/unhealthy/can't work etc. Whatever works for you and your wife is what is important.

[Celeste]

How about....."Sometimes I feel a need to express a softer side of me,and I want to share that with you".

[Leona]

I think Celeste's line might very well be an excellent way to open the conversation. It's very much non-confrontational, and at the same time indicates something you've been holding back that you want to talk about. Girls dig talking about feelings and stuff, so this may open the door to a light you want to see where other first lines may prejudice her before you start the second line.

I wish I'd have thought of that when my wife and I were facing it.

[Bree Wagner]

Good luck Hannah, I'm really hoping all goes well for you.

If you are going to be honest, BE HONEST.

Lot's of god advice here. I certainly agree with the above. Past that, listen to her, be ready to answer questions, and I'd suggest you tell her that you love her at every opportunity. You wouldn't be sharing this if you didn't feel it was an important part of her and that you want to be perfectly open and candid with her and make sure she understands this part of you.

Again, good luck!

-Bree

[Hannah W.]

Thanks Wildaboutheels, its really good to hear that there is another side to the coin and no guarantee that things are going to work out perfectly. I know there are massive risks involved but I'm now at a stage where if I don't get it off my chest, I wouldn't be who I really am.

I only mentioned my wifes intelligence because I don't believe she would irrationally link cross-dressing to homosexuality or some other marriage ending predicament. I see my cross-dressing as a 'hobby', not a lifestyle choice! & I think DADT is what i'll be hoping for - I don't envisage us sitting on the sofa on a Saturday night, watching TV with me as Hannah! Its more something I like to do when I have the place to myself, but I want to tell her as I think stashing my clothes in the attic (as I do now) is kinda deceitful - I want her to know, but don't want it in her face as it were...

Thanks Celeste, that is SUCH a good line that I think I will use it , thanks all again - I dont think I could do this without you all - much love xx

[Princess Grandpa]

Please let us know how this works out
Hug
Rita

[heatherdress]

Hannah - Good for you. A lot of guts telling your wife. The right thing to do.

You already have a lot of good advice. One subtle addition - maybe avoid giving yourself a label or a title. Instead, describe what you do. It may be easier for your wife to understand that it makes you happy to wear female clothing, that it make you feel better, happier, more complete. Maybe she would understand feelings and specific actions better than labels which we all struggle with. Good luck.

[kimdl93]

Follow Jennifer's advice. This can work out if you prepare well and are attuned to your wife's feelings. Don't think you'll be done in one conversation. Coming out is a process.

[candydawn75]

Unless your female SO is admittedly and openly bi, never, ever call her, or suggest she may be, a lesbian. Any dialog you had will go right out the window. Not even as a joke!

As I said it was a JOKE lighten up!! Obviously somehow you missed the whole "not sure I would say that but wouldn't it be fun to see the look!! ;p"

[linda allen]

Hi everyone,

I'm plucking up the confidence to speak with my wife tomorrow about my cross-dressing. Do you think that avoiding terms such as 'cross-dressing' etc helps in this predicament?? I was planning on saying that i 'Like dressing up in girls clothes' as it seems slightly less risque...

Any thoughts???

There are many posts here about ways to tell your wife about your dressing so I suggest you read them. Jennifer suggested memorizing what you are going to say and I think that's a good suggestion.

As for the term "crossdressing" or "crossdresser", those are the nicest terms that can be applied to us. Compare that to "transvestite" or "drag queen". Tell her you are a "crossdresser".

[Hannah W.]

Again thank you all, I think that tonight may be a little too soon especially as I'll be away with Work on Monday night - probably not the best thing to do, drop it on her then disappear! Interestingly someone has posed the same problem on the Guardian's website today: there's a few stupid responses from people trying to be clever, but also some interesting perspectives.

Thank you all again, I really, really appreciate it