I am confused about who I am and what I am

[Lulie GG]

There is no easy answer but can't you put your own feelings aside until after the baby is born and concentrate on one of the most exciting things in the world bringing a new life into the world.

Lulie

[ericatgirlnj]

I don't dress often and even though it isn't right to do at all, it's only been a couple times with guys. 99% of the time I am a loving father to my 2 year old and a devoted husband. I think I let my other feelings take place when things were tough. My wife is due in july. I know the sex with other men is gone permanantly as long as I am married, I still can't stop dressing and fantasizing. Continuing to dress is something I can't stop. I have tried plenty of times as almost all of you know already. Like I said my wife wants nothing to do with it. I only do it in private when no one is home. What d i do for this when she wants no part of this and wants me to stop.


Thanks everybody and have a very merry Christmas.

[kathy gg]

Erica I am going to ditto and suggest you do get couseling and hopefully in time couples counseling.

But this is where you are getting it all wrong

I don't dress often and even though it isn't right to do at all,

Really, so being a crossdresser is wrong? I have to disagree with you. Being a crossdresser is as much a part of personality is as having blue eyes or brown hair. What is "wrong" about it is when you put that ahead of everything else and don't give any consideration or empathy to anyone but yourself.

I dont' think anyone here is going to condem you for being a crossdresser. Certainly not I.

I think you are equalizing devotion with bringing home an income. And that is not all there is to being a good husband. It is jsut one of the many peices.

You say you have tried to help by giving your wife info. But you never answered my original question, if you tried to srping this all on her when she was pregnant or shortly thereafter, I dont' think any woman (even the most open minded and acepting one) would handle it too well.

As for her non refusal to accept, again keep in mind you only got married 5 years ago. And have one baby and one on the way. This is about the crumbiest time to decide to 'come out of the closet'.

There are probably a million fears that ran through her head.

You may have to face the reality that she is not in a place right now to deal with this. You may have to face that this part of yourself will have to be private. But privacy does not mean go out and have sex with strangers.

You say you can't stop, I dont' think stopping is in the cards. I think yo ucan 'manage' this by seeking therapy to sort through your crossdressing feelings and sort through your sexuality issues.

But you have to face the reality you have created.

YOU CHOOSE to get married and YOU CHOOSE not to tell. I mean there are people on this forum who got married pre-internet, pre-transgender community.

The net and the communtiy were in full swing 5 years ago. You decided to decieve and now you pay the price. You have to live with your actions, or start a new life and then you can do as you wish when you wish.

There are plenty of people on this list who are married to unaccepting wives, and I am pretty sure if given a choice the wives woudl want their guy to stop. So, being married to a person unacepting happens all the time, you are not unique. It probably is not the idea situation, but people do it and manage to live.

If you wanted to have a 'female' partner to share this with you should have married one who was into this.

Most people can tell while dating if a woman is open to kinky things. If you wnated a kinky partner you should have found one. THere are plenty of kinky women in this world. Unless you like making people think you are 'johnny normal' and marrying a kinky girl would have upset that apple cart.

Erica, get offline, go spend tiem with your wife and kids and book a therapy appointment. Let your wife know after the holidays have died down what your intentions are and that you are not going to 'get cured' but to find a way to be a better person with this.















it's only been a couple times with guys. 99% of the time I am a loving father to my 2 year old and a devoted husband. I think I let my other feelings take place when things were tough. My wife is due in july. I know the sex with other men is gone permanantly as long as I am married, I still can't stop dressing and fantasizing. Continuing to dress is something I can't stop. I have tried plenty of times as almost all of you know already. Like I said my wife wants nothing to do with it. I only do it in private when no one is home. What d i do for this when she wants no part of this and wants me to stop.


Thanks everybody and have a very merry Christmas.[/QUOTE]

[Sarahgurl371]

Erica, I feel bad for you about the confusion and issues you are facing. Yes, even sympathize with you. Even good people sometimes go astray. I would agree, therapy sounds like a very necessary idea.

In the last two years, since reading the book, "Crossdressing With Diginity", I have really tried to apply this definition to how I live. I have always tried to live a dignified and respectful life, but CDing was kinda outside all that. So I would definatley recommend this book. Food for thought.

As for all the extra marital sex, and even the sharing of your intimate life with a person who is not your wife. Well, I think you already know, and probably have known all along. I am married as well. I also have these "fantasies", as it would seem many do. I also would like a "kinky" wife, in the bedroom. But, I am married. I have to live by MY code. And BTW, that means accepting that she is not kinky.

I guess recently, I have realized that FEAR does all kinds of horrible things. FEAR.... Why would anyone lie, thru non disclosure or deception? Why would a married man, with children, choose to be intimate with a stranger? Why do we act out in some times a selfish manner? Why do we act like gluttons, and hoard clothing and such? Why ..... I think at the root of most of it is FEAR.

Fear of being honest with OURSELVES first, and our loved ones second. FEAR of the unknown. The very same fear that our SO's have when we tell them of all this stuff. Fear that we are gay, or BI, well I have had that fear myself. Fear that we will want to be a woman and have SRS. Had that one too. Fear of what will happen to US. Yep.

If I were not afraid too be myself, I can think of all kinds of things that I have done, that I wouldn't have.

My opinion, get some therapy, do some serious soul searching, maybe even put dressing on the back burner. Just do something other thatn acting out. Be proactive. There is nothing wrong with being gay. There is nothing wrong with being BI. There is nothing wrong with being TS/TG/CD. Its how we conduct ourselves in the name of what it is that defines us, that can be wrong.

God Bess!

[KathrynW]

I don't dress often and even though it isn't right to do at all, it's only been a couple times with guys. 99% of the time I am a loving father to my 2 year old and a devoted husband.

Erica-
It sounds like you're getting into "excuse making" mode. But...But...But...
Please don't go there. You're going to have to humble yourself and accept that what you did was inexcusable, and try to improve, from there. IMHO...this is not the time for excuses.

[Tamara Croft]

99% of the time I am a loving father to my 2 year old and a devoted husband.

Somehow I think you totally miscalculated that..... sleeping around with other men..... I'd say you weren't devoted at all or you wouldn't have even contemplated that!!!

Tell me something, why is it always 'get therapy'?? I've never read so many posts like it..... is that the answer to everyones problems outside the UK?? therapy??? I really don't understand, seriously I don't get it!

[julimac2003]

Erica darling what can I add that the girls have'nt already said we are here and we will be your backbone and I'm sure everyone will agree you can lean on us but you have to get a structure,you have to get a therapist who can look into your situation from the outside and see all the things that you cannot see and can tell you that you have to make a a value structured assessment
about where you want be and where you want to perceive yourself as a person.
I know as an older CD I have been through all the different gambits that life can throw at you, but honey you have to have a structure as to what is most important to you, you state that you will do anything for your daughter but you have put yourself in the situation. You have made your wife pregnant and if you say you will do anything for your daughter then you must feel that you will do the same for your new sibling be it male or female.
I sacrificated a large portion of what would have been a much better feminine future in my life because I beleived that I jointly brought a new life into this world and I was jointly duty bound to support and cherish and uphold his(or it could of been her) upbringing until they werre able to care for themselves in this world.
Darling you have to think that what is happening to you not only effects you but effects what will happen to you and your descendents in the future. Please do'nt look at it as a me me situation, please try with the help of others who can look at your situation objectivley, in a detached manner and say this is the best course of action you thould take. No one has said yet but what about me what happens about my feelings?, well sweetheart you are in a a situation where you have to prioritisise, what is most important, short term gain ie your sexual satisfaction being a girl and being with men etc etc or the longterm strategy, what happens to my children and subsequently me and my spouse, cause if you go down the current road that's what she will be a ex spouse or partner and lett me tell you she will make your subsequent life very awkward socially and otherwise unless you decide you want to move totally away and have nothing to do with your current family situation and never ever see any of them ever again( I do'nt think so).
Erica darling please get some help and let a therepist or counscillor try to put into perspective what you feel is what you want and need to try and make this all work out to at least bring a satisfactory situation that includes everybody and takes into account everyones best interests.
Please get yourself sorted Erica, you owe this to yourself and your family at least!
If I can add any more please pm me.
Love
Julie

[Sarahgurl371]

Somehow I think you totally miscalculated that..... sleeping around with other men..... I'd say you weren't devoted at all or you wouldn't have even contemplated that!!!

Tell me something, why is it always 'get therapy'?? I've never read so many posts like it..... is that the answer to everyones problems outside the UK?? therapy??? I really don't understand, seriously I don't get it!

Tamara,
I think that here in the US, many people today see therapy as a very good opportunity to delve into oneself. I agree that we put alot of influence on saying it. But I think that sometimes one might be inclined not to look too deeply at oneself, or ask the tough questions, and a therapist helps to guide you into asking those tough questions of yourself. i sought a therapist out because I want affirmation of myself from someone who was impartial and had experience and expertise in mental issues, who could tell me if I was OK or not. It would also seem that here in the US, we are really good at identifying "abnormal" people and making them feel really bad about themselves. I guess its just another tool to use in becomming a better person.

Sorry for being off topic