I am confused about who I am and what I am

[ericatgirlnj]

I am a 32 year old crossdresser. I have been married for 5 years. I have 1 daughter and another son/daughter on the way. My wife found out about my crossdressing. At first I lied and said I only did it a couple times and I stopped. About a month later she found out I was still dressing and threatened me with divorce. I came out and told her almost everything. I said I dress, I like to dress. It makes me feel good about myself. Since we are now having our second baby, divorce questions have stopped but our marriage is different. We do fight a lot and she has lost respect for me.

I still continue to dress on my own and am as careful as possible. I was afraid to tell her in the beginning because I was expecting the same reaction I got how much she hated it and I am a freak and gay (think gay slurs). I told her I only dress by myself.

However the last year I have become not only attracted to other crossdressers but men as well. I get very excited engaging in sexual relations with a man. I never ever even think about having sex with another woman and I am always the bottom so I am never the giver in the act.

I love my wife very much but the most important person in my whole life is my daughter. I would do anything and everything for her. I want to put my dressing aside and especially my bisexual tendencies but the more I put it off, the more I am turned on by men and crossdressing. I am constantly compelled to buy dresses, lingerie, skirts and tops. I have even gone out shopping dressed or not dressed and try on clothes. I am very close now with this girl at the lingerie store and I tell her how I excited I am dressing up for my men and how it turns both of us on.

I am nervous, I am scared. I don't know if I am gay. I am so afriad to lose my wife and most of all my daughter. I am also afriad of my family finding out. I am also very afraid that I prefer men over my wife. I don't know what to do. I am freaking out.

[Dayna]

Erica, that is pretty heavy stuff. I think you'll find support here, but what you need are real answers...too much at stake.

If you had a crack habit or a problem with alcohol, you could quit; wouldn't be easy, and would probably require professional help, but first you would have to want to quit, once and for all. The question you need to ask yourself: would you give up everything Erica for your daughter? This goes waaaay beyond a wardrobe purge.

Good luck,

[ericatgirlnj]

even though I don't want to, for my daughter I would do anything and give up anything for her. She means more to me than anything on this planet

[Nikki Dee]

Hi. Erica...Believe me ..it's not that uncommon a story....is there any chance that your wife is willing to actually find out what it is we are...i.e...there are sites that can help to explain cd/tv/tg...I think her reaction is such a common one...it's called FEAR.!...fear of the unknown, fear that suddenly the guy she married is "different" in a way she can't understand. After all, how would you have felt if she had suddenly decided she wanted to explore her male side.?...and you weren't TG.?. It's a big issue for them to deal with Hun...a lot of patience and caring is needed on both sides...you gotta take things slowly and show her that she is still needed and loved. As for the sexuality...well, that's not uncommon too...although there is a lot of denial out there sometimes...I honestly believe that there are few Tgirls who haven't at some point fantasised about being treated like a real girl by a real guy...so try not to worry too much about that. I don't have all the answers love...wish I did...but I do hope that you find a way through this. I went through a similiar period when I first came out...but now I have a wonderfully supportive and accepting wife who I love to bits. Good luck.
love Nikki. xx

[Stlalice]

Erica,
I've lost count of the number of times that I have given this advice but that does not make it any less true. You NEED to get yourself into therapy with a good therapist who specializes in gender issues. Before you can begin deal with your wife and kid(s) you need to work out for yourself exactly who and what you are and learn to accept it. If you can talk your wife into going to at least some of the sessions with you it will help you both understand whats going on and what your alternatives are. To find a gender specializing therapist try going to the website for the International Foundation for Gender Education at www.ifge.org or calling them at their Waltham Mass. office - they have professional listings for therapists in all the states and as a bonus you will be talking to a TS/TG/CD person who has "been there - done that" and will give you good advice. If all else fails PM me and I'll try to point you at some other resources.

[ericatgirlnj]

thank you I will try.

[kathy gg]

I am going to try to be as objective as possible without putting my own feelings into this post. And that is HARD because I am the wife of a crossdresser with a small daughter as well.

Everything I do as a Mother (and everything my husband does) has to keep the consideration of our family at stake, our well being, our health, and our happiness. To jeprodize any of those things for sex or anything is not even in my vocabulary....so this is tough to answer...but I saw your post and want to adress you.

You wrote:
I have been married for 5 years. I have 1 daughter and another son/daughter on the way. My wife found out about my crossdressing. At first I lied and said I only did it a couple times and I stopped. About a month later she found out I was still dressing and threatened me with divorce. I came out and told her almost everything. I said I dress, I like to dress. It makes me feel good about myself. Since we are now having our second baby, divorce questions have stopped but our marriage is different. We do fight a lot and she has lost respect for me.
________________________________________

I am curious as to when you decied to fess up, was this just a few months ago or right around the time that your wife was pregnant or right after giving birth to you daughter? You did not say and I believe this makes a HUGE difference in aceptance. When you have to worry about the care of a small child or during the time of being pregnant, it does not take much to set a woman off. Only because it is an incredibly demanding and exhausting time. Not only physically but mentally as well.

Also there is that period of time even after you have your child where you body does not look like it used to, you are tired all the time and you really dont' feel like a 'hot mama', you feel like this 'thing' that is getting tugged at or cried at or just this blob that makes food. Not a good time to start the crossdressing dialog because moral and self esteem are at veery low points already.

Well you both must have desired or wanted each othe enough to attempt being intimate.... becasue you say she is pregnant again.


You said:
I still continue to dress on my own and am as careful as possible. I was afraid to tell her in the beginning because I was expecting the same reaction I got how much she hated it and I am a freak and gay (think gay slurs). I told her I only dress by myself.
_______________________

Well did you take the time to educate her about crossdressing? have you given her any books or printed info out of the computer? If you just annouce one day you are a crossdresser and it makes you feel good and the conversation ends there, I am not surprised at all by the reaction you have encountered. WOmen do not know about this unless they learn about it. If you have taken no time to get her info about this you have no one to blame but yourself. Most women don't even know where to begin in educating themsevles, not all are computer savy. And truly, type in crossdresing in google and you wont get support sites, you get porn, no wonder she might be confused....

Next, You said:

However the last year I have become not only attracted to other crossdressers but men as well. I get very excited engaging in sexual relations with a man. I never ever even think about having sex with another woman and I am always the bottom so I am never the giver in the act.
_______________________________________

There is a HUGE difference between fantasy and reality. Reality is messy, while fantasy are usually flawless. So you fantacise about having sex with a male...right well I know plenty of hetrosexual women who fantacise abotu ANgelina Jolie, but that is just it, it is a fantasy. There are ways to enjoy this fantasy without hurting anyone. As for not even thinking about sex with another woman, well I would hope you dont' look to act that one out either being that you are married.

If you wife is pregnant chances are you are not having lots of sex, espically if you have a small child at home. If she is near the end of her pregnancy, she may just not feel like or or have instructions otherwise from a Dr. Find other ways to rekinkdle your sexual attraction, without sex. Offer to massage her feet (I never met a pregnant women not up for that). Give her an evening of a nice meal that you made (or ordered), send your kid off the a sitter, draw a bath for her, put on fav music. Do what YOU need to do to feel something that takes you back to when you made those babies. They were not immaculant conceptions......

and you said:

I love my wife very much but the most important person in my whole life is my daughter. I would do anything and everything for her. I want to put my dressing aside and especially my bisexual tendencies but the more I put it off, the more I am turned on by men and crossdressing. I am constantly compelled to buy dresses, lingerie, skirts and tops. I have even gone out shopping dressed or not dressed and try on clothes. I am very close now with this girl at the lingerie store and I tell her how I excited I am dressing up for my men and how it turns both of us on.
_______________________________________


You say you love your daughter, but all of your talk indicates right now YOU are into loving yourself more. You have to learn to balance your needs without hurting other people.

But I would hope that you are experiecing some gender euphoria right now, which is a truly selfish stage when one discovers crossdressing and puts that need above everything else .....adn this is a phase which will ease off in time if you learn to get a hold of yourself. Because although having your needs met is great and all, right now you are NUMBER 3 in this world. You have TWO children who look to you for love, a home, and all that is necessary to survive.

You said:
I am nervous, I am scared. I don't know if I am gay. I am so afriad to lose my wife and most of all my daughter. I am also afriad of my family finding out. I am also very afraid that I prefer men over my wife. I don't know what to do. I am freaking out.
_______________________________
Sounds like you need to make a list of what is important and then what needs to be done in order to make sure that the item of importance is kept that way.

Divorce is expensive and trust me you wont be buying as many clothing if you have to go to court and pay child support for two. Not to mention if your wife really decides to get back at you for leaving. It would be very tempting for a new mother to have loose lips and make sure your family knows exactly why there is a divorce. I don't condone those actions, but it is a real posibility.

Is having the occasional tryst with a stranger jsut for the sake of some momentary pleasure worth all that you have? Is sex and clothing worth the gamble?


But you hold all the keys to yoru future!!!!!!!!!!!! You can control everything that hapens. And you don't have to lose your crossdressing idenity. You can learn to cope with your attractions and keep them in check.

You said you dont' know if you are gay or what, I dont' know the answer either. But if you are, putting your wife at a health risk is not the way to find out. This may take some time. If you feel the same way in some period of time from now, then you may have to admit to your wife, your children, and yoru family who and what you are. But experimenting with a stranger is not the way to find out. Your spouse deserves better.

If being on the internet is giving you a place to flirt with men then dont' go to those places. If you are flirting with some sales girl then don't go back there. Start learning how to flirt with your wife again., if you want to save your marriage.

if you decide that you truly feel nothing for your pregnant wife anymore then do her a favor and do what needs to be done so both of you can move on.

But I hope you will find the silver lining in your home. Expecting a child is supposed to be one of the most exciting events in a couples life. There really is so many wonderful ways you could be channeling your inner female. Helping your wife write a memory book on her pregnancy and yoru feelings as well, getting a scrapbook ready with things from 'big sister'. My GOd this is Chruistmas time (and unless you dont celebrate) there are so many fun things for a fmaily to do this time of year!

Find ways to express who you are inside that don't deal with sex. And if you have to put crossdressing 'on hold' till after your wife gives birth maybe that is something to think about. It is not a 'purge' just a break to give yourself time to prioritize and refocus all this pent up engery you seem to have.

I KNOW FOR A FACT that being a crossdresser and being married and having children and having a happy home are all POSSIBLE. Both people have to want their marriage to work, love each other, take time to communicate and share their feelings and most of all trust each other. When those things dont' jive anymore you have to ask yourself why you are even married.

And please note......everyone who does respond to your post is going to give their answer based on their owns expereinces and feelings. ONLY YOU KNOW WHAT YOU NEED TO DO ..... .and ONLY YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE.

[Julie York]

Wow. Where's the million points rep button for Kathy.


What she said.



Or put simply.
Wife pregnant. Wife pregnant.
Slap round head. Selfish.
Wake up!

[BettyAnne]

Most of this has been said before, but in my case, my opinion ( and that's all that it is) comes from over 60 years as a tv.
Fist, as you most probably are aware, the urge to dress will most likely never go away, so you will have to come to terms with it some way or another.
A therapist can be a great help.
Most important, if you hope to preserve your family unit, assuming that you do feel that this is the prime motivation in your life, you have to make clear, by both word and deed that your wife and daughter are the very most important things to you in your universe.
And I don't mean by just a few genuflections.
I mean 24/7 in every way you can think of. Don't minimize the effect of small acts...like flowers.
As much for the advice of this ancient crone.
Betty

[Christina Nicole]

Erica,

The interest and the longing to dress up never go away. But the alcoholic's thirst for drink never dies either. However, just as they can put aside their drinking for themselves and their family, so can crossdressers put aside dressing.

Set reasonable goals for yourself. Don't dress for a period of time, and then make it a longer period of time. You are the master (mistress?) of your desires.

Realistically, you probably will crossdress again in the future, but now is a critical time for you. Put it aside. I have put cding in reserve for a few years at a time because it was necessary. Eventually, I allowed myself to dress again because the timing was better. You'll eventually be at that place again. You are not there now. Put it away. Put you things in storage or get rid of them. Sometimes purging is necessary. If you purge, donate as much as possible.

I am sure that you will get though this. Best wishes for you.

Warm regards
Christina Nicole

[Honey GG]

Wow your post is a cry for help. Please get yourself an appointment with a counseler as soon as you can. You really do need to figure out where you want to go with all of this.
AS a wife of a CD who found out after many years of marriage I will say that your wife could at some point accept your crossdressing, WITH alot of love, communication and time on both your parts. The CDing is really not the issue here.
Being Bi is fine also, having a fantasy is fine, as long as you don't act upon it. I get from your post that you have acted upon it and that is where you have taken a sad turn. You are in a committed relationship. Work on that and you may find that you have a very understanding wife. As long as you continue to cheat on her, be it with a man or a woman then you risk loosing your family.
What do you want? If you don't feel you can make changes that support your marriage then maybe you need to rethink staying in it.
I have happily accepted and support my husband along with the crossdressing, if he ever cheated on me with anyone we would be done....

Make that call and get your life going in the direction you really want.

Honey(GG)

[Tamara Croft]

You know, you say your wife has lost all respect for you, but she's the one that's having your baby and your the one cheating on her!!! How does that work then hmm? Not only are you cheating on her with a man, but you are getting close to another woman and telling her stuff that turns you on, but alas, it's your wife that has lost all respect for you. Have you actually asked yourself why? Has it not occured to you that she probably knows what you are doing? Women, I'm afraid are not stupid.

You say you are afraid to lose your wife, well sorry to be harsh, but she would be better off without a cheating husband who obviously has no damn respect for her, your daughter and your unborn child. Then you come here looking for sympathy, well sorry, but you ain't going to get any from me, you don't deserve any

[KathrynW]

Set reasonable goals for yourself. Don't dress for a period of time, and then make it a longer period of time. You are the master (mistress?) of your desires

Christina-
[SIZE=3]This is excellent advice. The bottom line is...CD-ing IS a choice. Nobody is holding a gun to our head and forcing us to do it. (well, a few of us probably wish there *was* someone forcing us, but that's a subject for whole different thread.) [/SIZE]
[SIZE=3]Erica is quite obviously on the big slippery slope of CD-ing. [/SIZE]
[SIZE=3]The question: Make your way back up to the top of the slope, save your marriage, honor your family, put all this behind you and never look back, OR... [/SIZE]
[SIZE=3]slide on down the slope to end up who-knows-where? [/SIZE]
[SIZE=3]Honestly, I can't condone cheating within a marriage. I know quite a few here go with the "If It Feels Good - DO IT!" theory...but, quite frankly...That's Crap! Please do what's right for your wife and your family. You can still enjoy CD-ing when time allows, without finding out what's at the bottom of the slope.[/SIZE]

[JennyCD]

OK, I'm no expert, but a couple of points.

1. Therapy

2. You shouldn't cheat on someone you love.

[kathy gg]

Just realized something, you have posted numerous times to the forum, most times you are posting photos of yourself, discussing your interest in men, talking about going on dates and crotchless panties. I did not know all this when I sent my lengthy reply.

I feel very sorry for your children. Adn espically sad for your wife. I thought you were only contemplating the idea of guys. But it appears you are living it. It really breaks my heart when this happens.

As Tamara said, your wife has no respect for you, well niether do I. I normally brag about how sensative and caring and special crossdressers can be. In most cases they make AMAZING partners to spend a life with. My husband truly is not like other men and I thank some of that to him having this softer side.

I adore many in this community and enjoy being a shoulder and friend to many. You may think you look as pretty in that picture, but your actions are truly 'ugly' and unattractive as they come.

[Sharon]

Personally, I think you would be doing your wife a huge favor by leaving her.

[Summer]

I think your wife is nuts for staying with you. You have to earn respect!
Tamara is right on point! way to go
Summer

[ericatgirlnj]

I read all your posts and everyone is 100% right. Looking at myself in the mirror I am not happy with what I see. I know what's important and it's not what I have been doing these last few months. I have been lying to my wife and to myself. the most important thing in my life is being a good father and a good husband. I know what I have been doing is wrong but I ended up doing it anyway.

I am glad you have been so brutally honest because it has helped.


BTW, I tried explaining my dressing. I tried sending her websites. She wanted nothing to do with it. She thinks it is sick and perverse and that no normal guy does it.

I don't think I am gay because I love women especially my wife but maybe I am searching but because of the fighting I maybe let myself get too comfortable with what I was doing and not who I wanted to be.

Everyone can call me trash and I deserve it but I love my family so much. I feel horrible now.

[KathrynW]

BTW, I tried explaining my dressing. I tried sending her websites. She wanted nothing to do with it. She thinks it is sick and perverse and that no normal guy does it.

Erica...
Actually, she's probably right. But, who's to define what a "normal guy" does anyway?
I hate football and most normal guys don't. Many cd's have wives/so's who aren't accepting and they still find a way to deal with things. For some wives, it takes a LOT of TIME to wrap their mind around Cd-ing and even begin to understand it. This is still NO excuse to do what you've done.

I don't think I am gay because I love women especially my wife

You may not be exclusively gay, but you're certainly not 100% heterosexual.

Everyone can call me trash and I deserve it but I love my family so much. I feel horrible now.

Well, I hate to say it, but you should feel bad. And the timing is especially BAD, tomorrow is Christmas Eve. Geeeeeesh!
If I were you, I'd apologize about a thousand times, bow down and kiss the ground your wife and daughter walk on, and do whatever possible to redeem yourself. The new year is a week away. Put this behind you and start over. Merry Christmas.

[Stlalice]

Erica,

Reading the other replies to your post the best and ONLY advice that I can give you is to get yourself into therapy and figure out what and who you REALLY are. You owe that to both yourself AND you wife & kids. You could be a CD, you could be a late onset Hetero TS, and yes it is possible you might be gay. There is NO way to KNOW without getting into therapy and working out your issues with someone who is way better qualified than any of us on this forum. Once you have worked out who Erica REALLY is then you can start to deal with what will become of you, your wife, and your kids. You owe it to them and you owe it to yourself kid - Hang in there and yes I'll talk to you if you feel the need. PM me if you wish.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

Erica

i told my wife in march..

maybe you've seen some of my other posts..i have 2 daughters 9 and 11...after xmas they find out daddy is leaving..we agreed to separate and i'm already in the apartment just staying at home a couple more days.

today my wife broke down and complained to me that everybody thinks she is nuts for wanting me to leave, that the holidays are hell etc etc..

this is a tough issue and tough time to be feeling like you do...i wish you the best and can share this

we are still going back and forth..some days i feel like we are going to make after some time apart...in my gut i think about getting lots of crossdressing in while i have an apartment. maybe even go out to some places!!

when i feel like we are going to stay apart...i feel in my gut that its NOT WORTH IT!!! i want my family!!!!!!!!!!!...its a vicious circle and unfair to my wife for sure...

i want to tell her exactly this but i simply can't . i feel really down and although i'm seeing a therapist its not gonna help for the next couple of days..

so hang in there best you can, focus on the child you love so much and the wife you love and hopefully good will come of it

you are not alone

[ChristineRenee]

Been following this thread closely Erica and got to agree with the consensus here...get yourself into therapy...for your sake and that of your family.

[melissacd]

Erica,

I cannot condone what you have done, however, I can empathize with your confusion. We all go through periods of our life where the whole world seems totally messed up. It is at those times, when we have lost our anchor and our boat drifts at sea that we do desperate (and sometimes destructive) things.

I agree that the best thing that you can do is get therapy and start to get your priorities in proper order. Saying that your wife and children are the most important thing is not the same as making them the most important thing. Actions speak louder than, in this case, thoughts.

It may well be that though you profess that you love your wife and your daughter and your marriage that perhaps you love the CDing and the boys on the side more. You need the aid of a third party such as a therapist to help you really look deep inside and answer those critical questions.

The plain and simple truth is that you will not be able to sort this out by forum posts and lamentations and self deprecating statements. You can only sort this out by deep honest soul searching. In the process you will hopefully discover the real truth and that truth may indeed be that you want your family more than anything else. Right now though, mostly you sound lost, confused and mostly you need outside help from what I can see.

Huggs
Melissa

[Marlena Dahlstrom]

Yeah, it's another "me too" post, but therapy is definitely in order to help you figure out who and what you are, and you need to decide what your priorities really are. You mouth is saying one thing, but your actions are saying something different.

You've realized the damage you've done to your marriage, now you need to do something about it.

[LisaRaye]

in deed what kathy said i feel for you