Am I cursed or blessed

[Stevie]

From my earlier posts I been dressing on and off in secret. I finally broke down and told my wife awhile back. She is not very receptive of me doing this but is willing to compromise up to a certain point. It has been a real battle for me. I still have to dress in secret sometimes. I feel selfish for doing this. I just want her to be happy with me and as long as I want to dress that doesn't look good.
My issue is I want to dress and be a woman and then I want to go back to guy mode. I really dislike my genetic body parts when I dress, but very glad I'm a guy when I go back. I can't stop dressing believe me I tried. I wish I can just go out and be myself when I dress, but I'm too scared. Part of me still feels like something is wrong. I feel a tremendous amount of guilt like I am letting my family down. When I get to this point I conveniently want to go back to male mode.
So my question is from me wanting to dress is that a curse or blessing. If I could give this up I would in a second. It just drives me crazy that I can't share my feelings with anyone. There is so much I want to say and do but won't because of my family. My family comes first but then why can't I let this go. Was I meant to be a woman. I sure act that way a lot. If it is that's a path I can't go down. It takes a very strong person to risk everything to start over. That's not me. There are so many good qualities that women have and I can also say the same about men. I do feel very fortunate to see both sides.

[Kathi Lake]

Stevie

Unfortunately, only you can answer that question. I know for me it is a combination of both; the curse is what I put my wife through. The blessing is in how many new things and ideas this has opened up for me.

Kathi

[Stevie]

I agree. I have really made it difficult for my wife, but ever since I started to accept this part of me a lot has changed about me. The reasons I dress are very different now.

[Cheryl Ann Owens]

Stevie, it's both depending on how you look at it. It can be a curse because of the guilt, the hiding, and the affect it has on others including your wife. The blessing is the feeling of enjoying being yourself and having a wife who knows and is somewhat accepting. I won't say to do so, but have you considered pouring out your feelings to your wife with 100% honesty? That could open up an honest dialogue or even have repercussions. Only you can gage that. You're speaking to mostly anonymous members here and maybe it would be better to speak with a live counselor. You don't need to spend money doing this---maybe there is a local group where you could find a member to voice your feelings? I'll admit I don't have perfect answers and hopefully others can add something. I do wish you the best!

Cheryl

[Beverley Sims]

I would not rush it,have patience and share it with your wife only.
Things should improve if you do not push the envelope too much.

[MatildaJ.]

So my question is from me wanting to dress is that a curse or blessing.

Does it matter? It is what it is. Same with all those other quirks of our character.

[PaulaQ]

It's a curse, in as much as any birth defect is a curse, and in all probability that is what this is. (We can debate the term 'defect' - but in all probability, something happened to us in utero, or shortly after birth that made us different.) Thus is a particularly nasty curse, because we don't tend to get much sympathy, and often face quite a bit of discrimination.

You can't quit because this is a part of your identity.

If you can be happy as a guy you don't need to transition. You do obviously need to dress. If you discover your life, as a male, is pure misery because of the purely male aspects of it, get to a gender therapist.

You feel guilty about this because of your wife, and because you've been conditioned by society to feel guilty about it.

BTW, the question to ask is not "do I want to be a woman?," but rather "am I a woman?"

Good luck Stevie, I'm really sorry for how this is going for you, I can relate. Feel free to PM me.

BTW, it isn't your fault that your wife can't accept this. Some women simply can't. It isn't really her fault either, it is just who she is. It isn't your fault you need to dress.

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Stevie, If you EVER get this CD/Thing figured out, PLEASE let the rest of us know

[LaurenAnne]

I feel a tremendous amount of guilt like I am letting my family down. When I get to this point I conveniently want to go back to male mode.
So my question is from me wanting to dress is that a curse or blessing. If I could give this up I would in a second.

My advice would be to seek a qualified therapist who has experience with TG issues. As long as you are experiencing this guilt about this part of you, you'll be unable to present your CD to others in a positive way. When you get to the point where you would not give up your CD side if given the hypothetical opportunity, I think you (and hopefully those close to you) will be much happier.

[Julie Gaum]

Lauren just posted my thoughts for me. I interpret, rightly or wrongly, that you are very uncertain as to your real identity and, obviously, your spouse can't deal with a furtive image either. Qualified therapist should be able to be of great help at this point.
Julie

[Julie Denier]

I know my life sure would be a lot simpler if I didn't constantly feel compelled to dress en femme.

[Oddlee]

In my opinion, overall, it's a blessing. In my own life, I think it has made much more accepting of others' foibles and errors. It has led me to look at personality rather than presentation. And it has let me see how gender is relevant to my choice of sexual partners, but irrelevant on the job. I worked with a gay guy who said I had a physique any 20-year-old would want, but I was never sure what he meant... Didn't matter, professionally...

As for your plight, I had a girlfriend for a while who accepted my cross-dressing - I had told her about it on our 3rd date, and she had viewed my profile on this site, to be sure she could see me in my profile. We were together for nearly a year, until one night we had a frank discussion of my cross-dressing activities, including going out for drives and walks around the neighborhood. Shortly after that, she dumped me... I think the biggest issue she had was her own sexuality - how would she look having a woman wannabe as her boyfriend. If we went out together with me en femme, how would she introduce me: this is my boyfriend?

So, it's confusing we are, both for ourselves and our potential girlfriends... Good luck,
Lee

[rocketscientist]

DITCH THE GUILT!

We have been conditioned by society to believe what we're doing is wrong. It's who we are. We are not doing anything criminal(maybe in some places?)or hurting others with our dressing. You need to explore this part of you and decide where you are at in the gender spectrum. Be open and honest with your wife and discuss your true feelings. Find out why she is not "receptive" to your dressing. Ask her what her fears are and honestly explain the best you can and try to allay them. Always remember, if anybody has a problem with your dressing, then THEY have a problem! Don't make it yours. All you can do is be who you are. Hope this helps you in some small way. Hugs,Tonya

[kimdl93]

It's a curse if you make it one, a blessing if you choose it to be. Seriously. If you can put aside the useless guilt, and simply accept that this is a part of you as a unique person, then it can be a gift. You do not need to choose one or the other. Choose both. Enjoy your family, life as parent and allow your femininity to express itself where and when you are comfortable with it.

[josrphine]

Hi Stevie, You are both, I went thru it too. I now have a GG that loves both of us. She like it when we go out as sisters, I have gotten very good with make up that I look just like a women. My ex did me a favor when she divorced me. I live both lives an really enjoy it. Most of all I don't hide it any more. You would be surprised at how many women want men like us. The worm [ SO to speak ] has turned , for me any way. JO

[Brenda79135]

I can understand where you are coming from. I was in a position of trying to make my wife happy and content. But whatever I did she seemed to want more and more. It finally got to the point no matter what I did it did not work. I got into a state of depression that was tearing me apart. I finally had a talk with her. I told her that I was not responsible for her happiness and that was hers alone. I told her that she needed to comunicate to me what she needed she was not going to get anything, I was done. I also told her that I neede to be happy myself. If I'm not happy, how can I possibly make her happy? She realized at that time that she was wrong in the way she has been treating me. Things have gotten better between the both of us. I now get to dress henever I need to and she is ok with it. She is actually starting to like it. She now talks to be instead of demanding things from me. We talk things thru about wants and needs and we are getting along much better. As for what we do, is it a curse or a blessing? It is what it is. It is something that has to be dealt with just like anything else that life throw at us. How would your wife handle it if you lost a limb or became unable to work due to sickness? Would she stick by your side then?

[MysticLady]

You know Stevie, it'll be what "you" want it too be. I've chosen it to be a blessing for "me".

[Bree Wagner]

I don't like to think of it as a blessing or a curse. It's more like a challenge and an opportunity to me. It's up to each of us to figure out how we meet the challenge and how we grab hold of the opportunity.

Hopefully, you'll get the chance to lay out what you do know and understand with your wife and figure out how you can best move forward. Whether that's counseling, more communication, boundaries, or other paths you'll probably know what's best for you when you find it.

We're all here for you to share your feelings with as needed, don't hesitate.

-Bree

[Frédérique]

Am I cursed or blessed(?) I do feel very fortunate to see both sides.

Alas, I can only see the “other” side from the perspective of my birth gender, no matter how I’m dressed, how I feel, or how much I WISH I belonged on that other side. In other words, I’m blessed to be cursed…

[Stevie]

Blessed to be cursed is how I feel sometimes. Taking it slow is not in my vocabulary. I have the urge to go shopping again. I find myself obtaining everyday woman's wear now. The reasons I do what I do have changed in a unexpected direction. I like me when I dress. But the idea of coming out any more than what i already have really scares me. The negative feedback is something I can't deal with. Everyone here who came out and are dealing with these challenges are very brave people. I like keeping thing simple. Why is wearing woman's clothes has to be so difficult. I have started communicating more and even though she is not happy what I say. She does find ways to surprise me. The problem I have is I know deep down how she feels and I don't see baby steps as progress. I see it as being fake just to make me happy. That is why I feel cursed. I want her to enjoy this with me. If I had her acceptance I would then feel blessed. Otherwise I'm blessed to be where I'm at in life today. In a strange way my wife has help guide me down this path. Now I don't want to let this go. This is what I chose to do.

[linda allen]

I don't think you really want to stop dressing because if you did, you would just get up each morning and put on your male clothes and get rid of the female clothes. You seem confused.

I think you should consider professional help, either for yourself, or for both of you. You can ask for advice on a web forum, but none of us have to live your life or live with the advice we give.

[Stevie]

I feel comfortable. I don't feel that way in drab. Its how I feel and my beliefs are clashing. Its just mind blowing the feel one way and think another. I'm not confused I just don't like either path in this fork in the road right now. They both require sacrifice.

[ReineD]

Part of me still feels like something is wrong. I feel a tremendous amount of guilt like I am letting my family down. When I get to this point I conveniently want to go back to male mode.


So my question is from me wanting to dress is that a curse or blessing.

It just is what it is, neither a curse nor a blessing, IMO.

If you and your wife have worked out times when you can crossdress in peace, then you need to relax a little and work on diminishing some of your guilt. But, if your wife has said something like, "Do what you want, I just don't want to hear about it", this is forcing you to still look for last minute opportunities and hide. So if this is the case you need to have another talk with your wife. You could tell her that the whole point of the disclosure was so you would not have to dress behind her back anymore, and you and she do need to work out set times when she knows that you are dressing, even if she does not see you dressed. Also, please share with your wife your feelings of guilt. I'm sure that she doesn't want you to feel guilty.

One last question that you don't need to answer here: Is this sexual for you (I'm looking at your avatar )? If it is, then few wives will be happy with the knowledge that their husbands are getting sexual gratification elsewhere than the marital bed. But if it isn't, then you do need to continue talking to your wife about this in the spirit of helping to explore all her fears. You may want to get some literature or websites that she can read and the two of you may even want to read threads in this forum and use them as a springboard for discussion?

[Stephanie47]

Of course, my life would have been a lot easier with less conflict at time, if I was not a cross dresser. I accepted the fact my is not on board with my cross dressing. I respect her wishes and do not push the issue. That has left me in the closet. Contrary to what many on this site scream about, if a wife is not on board with cross dressing and excludes herself from participation, it is not lying or cheating to go it alone. I would suggest wanting the tacit approval of a wife really is wanting validation and acceptance of oneself. At some point, I as most others, have come to self acceptance and stopped self loathing. Once you come to terms to who you are, then acceptance of others does not seem to be required.