Asked Out on a Date!

[steph1964]

I went to a local bar last night to meet a couple of my friends after they got off work. We go to the bar regularly and I am friends with the two female bartenders so I went about two hours early to sit at the bar and chat with them. A guy who was sitting about 4 stools away from me started up a conversation. After talking for a little while he moved next to me and asked if I wanted to play the video game that was at the bar where I was sitting. He was very nice and we were having fun playing the games.

My friends arrived a while later and as my friend David walked past he said too loud to one of the bartenders “Who’s that guy sitting close to Stephanie.” I gave David a hug and he sat down and the guy apologized and said that he didn’t know that I was with someone. I am dense, probably because it hasn’t happened before, but until that point I wasn’t sure if he was hitting on me. I explained that David and I are just work friends and David is gay, then we continued talking and playing games.

At the end of the night, when the bar was closing, the guy asked for my phone number so that he could call me and ask me out on a date. That took me by surprise and I panicked. I told him that I would have to think about it because I just ended a 23 year marriage. One of my friends recovered for me and asked if he would be in there again, to which he replied he would be out of town next weekend but would be in the following Saturday. I told him that I would see him then. I gave him a hug and he lifted me off the ground while hugging me (I’m only 5’5”).

I am just beginning my transition and did not plan on this happening for a while, if ever. I am still completely confused on my orientation because I had only been interested in women in the past but recently that has been changing and I don’t understand why. I had a lot of fun hanging out with him and I am very attracted to him.

The big dilemma is that I don’t know if he realized that I am TS. I have a very bad self-image and I am always sure that everyone realizes, but my friends always tell me that no one knows. My feminine voice needs a lot of work but I do have an English accent, and my friends tell me that the accent throws people off and they don’t recognize it as being a male voice. My friends don’t think that he knows but told me to just go out with him and see what happens. I think that I should tell him before we go out.

[Rianna Humble]

Hi Steph, I don't really have any experience in this side of things, but I would think that there needs to be an element of safety first in this question.

Do you think it would be possible just to hang again in the bar, then decide if you want to go any further for a third meeting? I agree that as you are still (like me) pre-op, you would probably want to let him know gently before getting intimate. May I also suggest having a work colleague nearby in case things don't work out as you might hope?

[LeaP]

Steph, not to discount safety, of course, but you are probably one of the best-prepared people on the board for trouble! I also wonder if it might be a little awkward in your case to have your colleagues there ...???

[AllieSF]

Congratulations Steph. Every experience can be a learning one, and maybe you need some experience in this area, i.e maybe you should pursue this in a careful way. I agree that safety could be an issue if you let things get out of your control, and you are in control because you can always say no. You will meet him next week and I think that having your friends there too is actually a good idea. Your friends know you, and of course will be somewhat protective of you, they also have a lot of attributes that you like and you have those that they like too. Being your friends and having a non-date get together is a great way for everyone to get comfortable with someone new. You will also find out how he interacts with them and maybe others, and if he is looking for a potential relationship and just not a roll in the hay, not that there is anything wrong with that. In my opinion, there is no 3 or 5 date rule regarding when to get intimate. Taking your time will let you get some enjoyable emotional highs, as well as, let you learn how to judge those highs and bring them into balance with the rest of your life a few days later. If he is friend material, he can definitely wait until you are ready. Good luck with whatever you decide to do, and, of course, I will be glued to this site to see what happens next.

[groove67]

honey I am two days away from srs and totally into men and really never new this until I was on hrt.in few days i will be total woman and want a man in my life, so you should follow your feelings my dear. Marianne

[JohnH]

I guess each one of us is different. There is no way in God's green earth that I would ever want to have a romantic relationship with a man or to become intimate with a man. This is in spite of my being on M2F HRT for 21 months. I am happily married to a genetic woman.

Johanna

[Beth-Lock]

I am still completely confused on my orientation because I had only been interested in women in the past but recently that has been changing and I don’t understand why.

My orientation crossed over during transition too, even with no HRT. We are in a minority among TS, but it does happen.

[Marleena]

Johanna your comments sound kind of homophobic to me. Steph is a woman and excited about a date. Why bother to comment when the rest of us are happy for her. Besides you've made it clear numerous times you're different from us. Why rain on her parade?

[ReineD]

My orientation crossed over during transition too, even with no HRT. We are in a minority among TS, but it does happen.

I wouldn't be so sure. I remember reading that a majority of transwomen are male attracted, even if they realize this after the process of transition has begun. Sorry, but I'm too lazy to look for links.

Actually, it makes sense. 95% (or some might say 90%) of the population is hetero. The will to reproduce as a species is primal and this is why the hardwiring for opposite-sex attraction is so prevalent. So why should transwomen be any different?

Steph, congratulations ... I'm very happy for you. I'm also thrilled that things are going well at work, that you and Angie have come out of this as friends, and that she is moving on as well.

[bas1985]

"rain on her parade"... sorry, it is such a lovely way of saying. (In italian we say literally: to "owl" --like the bird--).

I will put some other sunshine instead. I am happy about this, very happy, as Reine says, we are not (so much) different from women,
and women are 90% heterosexual so why TS women should be different also in this case? I too have noticed that beginning my
transition I am starting to behave, fantasize, dream about a romantic relationship with a man, heterosexual man (which sees me
as a woman...).

Safety.... yes, this might be a concern, I would suggest as other have said maybe just another date with someone else, just to know each other a little more... and, well, yes, I would make sure that he understands fully that I am TS pre-op.

[Kathryn Martin]

Steph, you met a man who wants to see you again. He has asked you for a date and you appear to be attracted to him. Second dates usually don't end up in bed...... Have a date and have fun then you can decide whether he is worth telling about your history.

[Angela Campbell]

I have never been attracted to a man and in fact feel quite uncomfortable around them usually. But when alone and thinking about my future, I have to wonder. After I have SRS will I want to use the new equipment? I know I will be very curious about that.

[MysticLady]

My friends don’t think that he knows but told me to just go out with him and see what happens. I think that I should tell him before we go out.

Hi Steph, The feelings of being desired are wonderful but, come w/ much responsibility. I would let him know up front who you are and what your about. He may desire you still but, he may change his mind. I believe you owe him that. You'll feel better about it yourself. Good Luck. Oh, and don't give it up too easily. Let him spend a few bucks on you

[JohnH]

Johanna your comments sound kind of homophobic to me. Steph is a woman and excited about a date. Why bother to comment when the rest of us are happy for her. Besides you've made it clear numerous times you're different from us. Why rain on her parade?

I did have second thoughts later on about my rather harsh posting. When I wrote my posting I did not think I was raining on Steph's parade. I wish Steph happiness with her date and I hope it goes well. All I was doing at the time was to share my feelings about men.

Sorry.

Johanna

[PortiaHoney]

People get far too hung up on where first dates will go.

Go out. Have a good time. Make sure you don't get into a situation where it could get dangerous. If things look like they are getting serious, let him know. There should never be any nasty surprises for either party. Last thing you want to hear from him is "oh, I already knew".

I dabbled in guys before transition, but could never figure out why as I did not identify as gay. Just some attraction I couldn't define. Now I am strictly guys and entertain thoughts about girls (probably more of a trip down memory lane).

People think about these things far to much. Should just enjoy how things go and stick to what "feels" right.

[steph1964]

Thank you everyone! I see that there is a mix of opinions which makes me feel better that I was completely perplexed on what to do. If he doesn't know, I am afraid that he would figure it out because I just don't think that I pass that well, especially outside a dimly lit bar. I think that I am going to see how everything goes the next time at the bar, and if everything is still good and he asks me out again then I will tell him.

This sexual orientation change is so confusing so I am glad to hear others have experienced the same. I was sure that I would continue to like women because I had no interest in males prior to starting this process.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

Steph IF you are certain you are ready for any outcome, and your heart says go for it then by all means go for it

but I would not pursue this

It's too early.. It's flattering but you have no idea where your head is at. You have no idea where HIS head is at..
Your transition is job one, two and three.

I'm all for experimenting, but i'd try to do it on YOUR terms, with YOUR timing..
In a perfect world, you control your transition. You control who knows. You protect yourself emotionally and physically. Especially in the early parts of it..

btw, in my own and my friends experience, for the men that date girls with penis...they are ALL about the penis.

[melissakozak]

Just be careful. I have been hit on numerous times, and I have not gone out once with any of them because A) I am married B) I know they know and also know I am more of a fling than a date C) Not into hookups.

That being said, go out to lunch in broad daylight. This takes the 'edge' off of a date. Lunch sets a time limit, provides the safety of daylight and keeps 'sex' off the table. It is awesome feeling to be hit on and asked out, in fact, it is flattering. The first couple of times, it can produce a whole host of different emotions. Have fun and be safe....

[FurPus63]

Hi Steph,

I too have had a complete reversal (flip-flop) of my sexual orientation since beginning HRT 15 months ago. I have always considered myself bisexual but leaned towards woman back in the day. Now I lean almost completely toward men and am finding it rather bizzarre and hard to deal with. I have a boyfriend (it helps that he's CD and enjoys being made-up like a girl from time-to-time) and the other day we spent a lot of time sitting on the couch kissing (just kissing, like teenagers on a date).

It is sooooo cool! I enjoy it so much! I know I am very much in-love with him so that helps too; but even after two months of dating and being with him (we have some sexual contact but waiting for my SRS to do what we really want to do, lol) I still find myself "freaking out" sometimes. I keep having to remind/tell myself, "I'm a woman now, so it's o.k."

This whole TS thing and transitioning is quite a trip! There's been lots of pleasant surprises along the way and many hard-times (loss of family and friends, etc...) but it so worth it all. I can't wait to complete the process. But in the mean-time; I'm enjoying my new life, my new boyfriend, and this new experience of making-out and making love with a man. It's all part of becoming a woman (whole) I think. So just try and go with it (your feelings) and don't worry about it. I know it's harder said than done, but it's all part of this process. So enjoy!

As for going on a date with this guy. I say go for it! It shows you are being accepted in the world as a woman, and that's a cool thing! Yes, I know sometimes we think we're not passible when in fact we are. Even if some people still "clock" or "read" us (I find mostly woman do more than men) that doesn't mean the whole world is. You look very feminine and very pretty in your pic here on this website. Try to put those feelings of doubt away, they don't do much good for our self-esteem and we need to remind ourselves that it's probably our imagination that "everyone is reading me." You know what I mean?

As for when do you tell the guy? That's hard to answer. On one hand safety is always a number one priority and you certainly don't want to be in a dangerous situation where someone is attempting violence on you. However; if this guy really likes you, although he may not want to date you again, once he knows you still have a penis, you never know. Sometimes even if someone considers themselves totally heterosexual, if the attraction and feelings (chemistry) is there he might decide to just go for it and continue dating you. I went on a date once with a guy who had no idea I was trans, and when I told him although shocked and didn't want to date me again, he didn't threaten me with violence. He just said he couldn't believe I wasn't a GG. So I took it as a huge compliment and it gave me a boost in my self-confidence for sure. So you could consider going on one date and have the experience of being treated like a lady (it's so cool!); then tell him. Yes, he'll be disappointed but by then you'll have had a chance to let him get to know you as a person and vice-versa. More than likely he wont turn to violence at that point. I think it would be far more dangerous for you if sex was expected, so just let on right away that you have no intentions of getting sexually intimate with him. Just try to go on the date, and have fun as the lady you are!!!!

Paulette

[steph1964]

I had planned on talking to the guy on Saturday and making sure he knew that I was TS but I hadn't decided if I was comfortable going on a date. However things didn't go as planned.

I often go to the bar after work presenting as a male (I start working as a female next week!). Friday was my day off but I had a laser appointment and met my wife and mother in law for dinner so I was presenting as a male. On the way home I met up with some of my friends at the bar.

We had been there for over an hour when my friend saw the guy walk past us heading to the restroom. It turned out that he had been there for a couple of hours. I was presenting as a male so I didn't want him to see me. Soon after we saw him, he talked to the bartender, a friend of mine, and asked her if it was me. She confirmed it was then he came over to talk to me.

I was very nervous as he approached but he was nice. He told me that he recognized my friend and heard me talking (my English accent) and first wondered if I was Stephanie's brother. He was watching us for a while and finally figured it out. Although we were hanging out for over 3 hours the day we met, he told me that he had no idea I was TS. That was a major confidence boost!

Everything worked out great. I found out that I pass better than I thought (I do know that I will not pass with everyone) and I got to spend Saturday night out with three of my gg friends on a girls night.

[laurie01]

It must be very awkward to have the reversal of sexual orientation. I would say if you really like him then date him. If he tries anything your uncomfortable with then just show him your badge.

[Lexi_83]

You are really cute no wonder he wants to date!

I've only dated friends of friends who know I am not GG. To date someone who might not know seems scary and dangerous, not that I think it's at all possible they would not know. I've usually arranged our first date at a party or club and meet them there.

Just like any other dating situation, it doesn't usually work out after a few dates. I find texting sort of "fills in the blanks" about someone and you either start to connect, or not.

If you are dating a guy who identifies as straight and neither of you want to go anyplace where someone you know might see you, it can be especially difficult to do anything but go to their place or have them come to yours, both of which have their risks.

[Janelle_C]

Hi Stef
Sexual orientation and gender identity are two separate things. One study shows that the number of fully transitioned transgender people that prefer the company of the same gender is about 47%, and the number that prefer the opposite gender is about 54%. They say that the numbers are fluid with an overlap to take in account those who are bisexual.
All that said I’m happy that you are living your life your way. There is no right or wrong on who you should be attracted to. But I do agree you should be safe. Janelle

[abigailf]

Enough with doubting your self confidence. From the pictures I see you look great. Your friends tell you that you look great. To top it off, you got picked up and was confirmed that he didn't know. Sweetie, you pass so put that behind you and start working on the rest of your agenda.

I too like dating men after HRT. Though I still contest I am bi. Actually, I don't really care about orientation anymore. I like people for who they are, not what they are.

[Jennifer Marie P.]

Steph of course tell him and see what happens.