Jenni's coming out to the wife log

[Jenni Yumiko]

So yeah I know I said about waiting until a couple more life aspirations of my wives were fulfilled, but its been very heavy on my mind, and after really thinking about it it has been 2 years since i first brought it up. (wearing lingerie)

I told her we needed to talk cause things haven't really been right with us and we agreed tomorrow night would be a good time.

JenniferAtHome tweaked this for me a bit, TYVM! but wondering if there is anything integral that i'm missing. I plan to read this to her, I can speak for hours on technical stuff, but am not so good when it comes to affairs of the heart...

//begin rant
Honey, I may have to read this to you because I'll probably screw it up if I do not but I have something serious I'd like to discuss.

When we were dating and up to about 2 years ago I always seemed to have some private time alone for "gamin in my underpants". Over the past couple of years my stress about cross dressing has been increasing. That's when I told you there was more than just underwear preferences. Understandably your worries that I might be gay and even would want to become a woman. I have come to learn that this is a common fear for most spouses.

Lately, I have been reading about 'what makes crossdressers tick' but there really isn't one all encommpassing thing. I have also been communicating to a few who are kind of like me. Don't worry, It's totally anonymous. I am worried that you are seeing me differently now. I feel like something changed after we talked and let you know I have a feminine side.

This feminine part is really is what balanced the //name removed to protect the innocent// you know. Cross dressing isn't just about dressing like a girl, and it is not a sexual thing, it's something I feel I need to express who I am.

You might recall that prior to the layoff and our conversation, i was a lot softer, did more things that would be construed feminine that you liked. Getting mani's ped's, shopping, being more romantic, huggy, touchie feelie, a listener. We also didn't live together and I had some time to express the feminine me.

I feel like you hope that if we brush my cross dressing under the table, it's going to go away. It's not. It just makes me feel more and more stressed. There is no cure for cross dressing because it isn't a disease. It's not a compulsion but more like a part of me.

I want you to know and believe I am still the same man you married, you are my love, my best friend, my goose. I am still your man when I need to be your man, to protect you, to run to the gas station at 11 at night cause you want some chocolate, your provider and your rock. None of that changes.

But I'm also the person who likes cute things and to feel pretty. For reasons I don't understand when I dress I have a huge stress relief. That seems to be common among cross dressers.

I won't do anything that makes you uncomfortable and it is totally up to you as to what happens at this point, do know again, that I love you with all my heart, I love only you, I love you because we were friends before we fell in love, friends after we fell in love, and my tweedledee, lover of life.

I can't not be a cross dresser so if you don't want any part of this that's ok. I just want your help to figure out how I can be me and not offend you. If that means I have to do my thing when your not around, then that's ok. I get that, but I do need my time to do that. In my ideal world, I would really like, is to be able to share both of me in harmony with you as we grow old together. But it's really only your decision and I can abide by whatever it may be.

If you are interested, there are some resources I can offer, like a book or a web site, just let me know.

So what's on your mind?"
//end rant

Thoughts from the forum?

[Gretchen_To_Be]

Hey, Jennialy. Nice letter. My only input would be to add a sentence after, "Understandably your worries that I might be gay and even would want to become a woman. I have come to learn that this is a common fear for most spouses." You might want to confirm that you are not gay and don't want to become a woman...unless of course you are or do, in which case you should write a different letter. Other than that, I think it's sincere and you are reassuring her that you love her and are committed.

I think after you read this to her you should really tell her specifically what you want to do, how often you want to dress, how far you want to go, etc. This is your chance. When I came out to my wife, I told her about my need (fetish for wearing hose and heels) but not my desire, which would be occasionally to dress all the way with skirts, dresses, wig, makeup, etc. The whole nine yards. That was driven by the knowledge I would look ridiculous from the waist up, but I regret the decision not to tell her everything. She's OK with me shaving my legs and wearing hose, and occasionally heels, but she has drawn the line there. Maybe she would have anyway, even if I told her how far I wanted to go, but you get the idea. This is the time to establish boundaries acceptable to you both.

Good luck!

[CynthiaD]

I would memorize the letter, and then just talk. Writing everything down first is a good idea, because it helps you to figure out what you want to say, and the best way to say it. But reading the letter out loud could be a little weird and uncomfortable. If you just talk, you can adjust what you're saying to the moment, and you can turn the talk into a dialog instead of a lecture.

Good luck.

[Beverley Sims]

I am into writing down your thoughts and then memorizing them.
Write this through a few times as different points come to mind each time.
Giving a letter and asking her to absorb it in her own time is a bit impersonal for me.
If you can talk to each other you still remember the important points but they are delivered with feeling and emotion.
I think this part is important.

[Michelle (Oz)]

Had a similar talk prepared for my wife some 6 months ago. Hope yours goes better than mine - that wouldn't be hard though. Good luck.

[meganmartin]

The letter is nice but as others have said memorize it
speaking from the heart is always better and comes across as geniune.

also another poster stated, and being married 20 years it does mean much more when you validate her feelings.
Do not side step the negatives because she can google and find many negatives.
Find support groups such as Tri ess in your area for spouses can become secure in your journey of who you really are.

Good luck

[NicoleScott]

Nothing wrong with reading the letter to her (but DON'T give it to her and leave). You explained why you're reading it, and you don't want to leave anything out or get off-track. Also, any questions she has can be asked after you finish reading the letter. It's a good way to control the dialog. If you decide to wing it without the letter, keep it close by so you can recover if need be.

One last thought: when you finish, keep or destroy the letter. Others have said that giving the letter to their wife was a mistake. Sometimes the reaction is bad, the relationship goes south, and the letter gives her leverage. Not trying to be negative, but it happens. Good luck.

[Lorileah]

I would start with "You know I love you very much and that I will always be there for you. and then go into

I want you to know and believe I am still the same man you married, you are my love, my best friend, my goose. I am still your man when I need to be your man, to protect you, to run to the gas station at 11 at night cause you want some chocolate, your provider and your rock. None of that changes.

But put her first, let her know she is the center of the universe before you start explaining the technical stuff.

I also agree to just map the talking points because you may mind that after the first sentence she gets a glazed look and you will have to improvise. She may surprise you and not ask the "questions". Then if you go there you plant a seed because it is something YOU have thought about. Don't be married to your letter, be ready for things you don't expect.

Good luck

[Annaliese]

Great letter, let us know how it goes. Hugs

[Jenni Yumiko]

So we talked last night. Overall it was a great relief to get it out in the open. She admitted she has looked at me differently since I told her that it was more than underwear and really thought I was gay or that I wanted to get my parts removed and replaced with girl parts. I assured her that was not the case. We talked about how that I am a guy, but have a strogn desire for a balance in my life. I have no plans as of yet for it to become a full time thing, but it does help me to balance my emotions and my overall male/female feelings. She asked what I expect and what options there are of her. I told her all the options available, give me my own time, accept and grow with me, or if you can't accept we start looking at dissolution. I assured her that the third choice is not something I want, I want to be you husband, your best friend and your friend who is a girl. I want to explore this side of me with her.

tl;dr

She said that she loves me, her feelings for me have not decreased in any way shape or form. She's not sure how to process this, and that we would talk more about it tonight.

She would like to read about what a cross-dresser is as it pertains to me, i told her I would find a few books on her nook. I also told her that she could talk to one of our friends who is semi post op FTM and someone I met on here who has been a lot of help. She said she would check out a couple books and talk to our friend.

[Jenniferathome]

That's a good start.

[Gretchen_To_Be]

Jenni, I hope it all works out for you and your SO. Keep us posted. Thanks for your visitor message!

[Stephanie47]

Just don't box her into a corner. Give her time to take a breath and reflect on your options. I can understand your optimum goal: her participation in your cross dressing desires and apparently its expansion as you develop. I wonder if you're prepared for only a "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" relationship, keeping you in the closet. I think you're going to find your situation is going to be very fluid for a long time. After twenty years of marriage your revelations are going to take some time for her weigh. And, do not be surprised if her viewpoint will change, and, if she is mildly accepting in the beginning, may continually change as you change.

She asked what I expect and what options there are of her. I told her all the options available, give me my own time, accept and grow with me, or if you can't accept we start looking at dissolution. I assured her that the third choice is not something I want, I want to be you husband, your best friend and your friend who is a girl. I want to explore this side of me with her.

She said that she loves me, her feelings for me have not decreased in any way shape or form. She's not sure how to process this, and that we would talk more about it tonight.

[pink.switch.lover]

It's just WONDERFUL that she wants to learn more about it and wants to talk more about it - good for her! And you. Your ability to communicate so respectfully and authentically is a testament to the strength of your marriage. I hope you continue grow together. Keep us updated.

[Jenni Yumiko]

Thanks, we have been iming throughout the day and she has been asking questions periodically. I'm pretty prepared for an up down roller coaster of good times and bad times. She said there are a lot worse things I could be doing behind her back and it's been a long time since I said I wanted to share something with her. She also agreed that I am much nicer and "sweeter" when she's gone and she comes back.
Stephanie, I lived the DADT life with her to a lesser extent already. I'm fully prepared for it, and am pretty sure the next few months will remain in an up down DADT state and there will be times where she will need me to be her man, and times she will be accepting and 'I can't look at you now like that' times.
This is new territory for myself also. I always knew there was more to it then just a fetish, but I never really explored any extended time dressed. It was usually an O and then back to drab mode. I am sure I don't want a sex change, and i'm 100% certain I don't want to be with a guy, despite the occasionally fantasy in my head. I do like myself better when both of me's are around. As with anything though in my mind there needs to be a balance.

[Jenni Yumiko]

Update 2
So today was more talking, and went back and forth about is it a sex thing, the fact that I want to get "made over" how would personal time work, would one of us have to leave. Not a very good day. Each day is either up or down. She really wanted to know what I wanted to do "with her" I said the sex would be good, but past that, I don't know. I don't know where I am at with this, but I want to do it with you. I said it would be cool to dress up, but I'm not really looking at going out to Walmart to buy groceries dressed. I don't have answers to where I want to be "as a woman". She asked how it was with the ex'es that I did do this with. She still thinks that my ex'es "turned me out". She still says she loves me and that hasn't changed and she is happy being with me. Also asked if this feminine side has a name. I said no. She started reading He wears my Clothes...

[Denise1951]

SO glad it went well. I can relate my experience. Once I got caught and "had" to have the talk; I was totally honest with my wife. In the end I wished I had done it years earlier. That being said, I took things at "her" speed. I did not force anything. She wanted to see me dressed, so I let her. She said fine, and that was it for a couple of years. Whenever she would bring up the subject, we would talk about it. Now she fully embraces my dressing, goes shopping with me. So take you time. This will be a work in progress that will never be done. Keep working at it.

[Girl]

I'm glad it went so well for you, Jenni! That's wonderful!

[nicolecdgal]

I will be having this same talk with my wife this week. Thank you all for your ideas and input in this topic.

[Jenni Yumiko]

Her big question that I'm having problems with is, I married a man. I told her that I'm the same guy as I have always been just one who likes to feel pretty. And that it helps to balance out my over macho other self.
Not sure what else I can say to her.
Thoughts?

[Alberta_Pat]

I would re-enforce that this is a clothing thing.

As such, simply wearing clothing that you find "comfortable" to You is what this is all about.

There should be no suggestion that you wish to "portray" a woman, unless that is your goal.

[Jenni Yumiko]

Last couple days were uneventful, we haven't said anything to each other about it. Did find out though that she has been talking to my friend/ex roommate who knows. (She used to buy clothes for me, and encourage dressing and telling my then girlfriend) in retrospect, I probably could have been with her and have none of these issues, but she was never my type.
They are having dinner tomorrow, which should be good for the above reasons and my wife actually listens to her.

*crosses fingers*

[Bree Wagner]

I'm pretty prepared for an up down roller coaster of good times and bad times.

Jenni,

It sure seems that you are doing almost everything in a good supportive way, but you are right to prepare for the roller coaster. The ups and downs may never end or you may quickly find equilibrium. My wife and I have been riding it for 13 years and there have been some crazy highs, a few lows, and some long stretches where nothing seems to happen. My only advice, which you already seem to be doing, is to keep communicating and reinforcing your love for her.

Good luck on your own personal amusement park ride! The price of admission is usually worth it.

-Bree

[aussie cd]

best of luck jenni, it took some time for my wife to come around ,she busted me always staring at the pretty girls (style check! not sexually!) and was not happy so i had to confess or lose her for checking these women out, not good to start with paid out on me big time (why didnt you tell me etc etc)
she accepts me for me after a few up and downs but we have stood the test of time now and she loves the bedroom stuff and getting kissed with lippy on. She's let me go out about half a dozen times now, i dont really pass but we've been to the casino,movies, a club to play the pokies (slots), driving around , i think she's accepted it not too bad
She even bought me 2 pairs of gorgeous heels online yesterday without any prompting (she knows of weakness for high heels!), my advice take is slow dont ram it down her throat , she has reassured you her love your half way there
gl xo

[Jenni Yumiko]

So we had a long talk today, she has a picture of me she can't shake of me in a granny dress with a ru Paul makeup job.
Good talk, were going to let me fully underwear/corsets/nightie/bra underdress at night and let her get used to it then go on from there. She does want to see what I look with clothes on and made up.
We are going shopping now to pick up some minor clothes that aren't "old person" and make plans to visit a transformation service in the near future.
Shortened condensed version. Ill post the whole conversation later, getting ready to go shopping!