Is it just me that's invisible?

[I Am Paula]

A recent post about a girl with an F drivers license being afraid to use the ladies room got me thinking.

I have been going out in the mainstream since the early nineties. Went full time almost two years ago. I'm not passable. I know it, and although I try hard, I'm six feet tall, my hairline has crept back, and I only started using a female voice recently. I dress like any GG in a given situation, and in general, just blend in with my surroundings. Okay, I've spent my life on stage, so I have all the confidence in the world.

To the point- Nobody ever treats me any different than any other woman. In social situations I join the girls side, in my profession I'm just 'The sound girl'. I've used women's washrooms for over twenty years without so much as a sideways glance. What gives? I admit, I always stay on the right side of the tracks, so I'm not putting myself in danger by going to redneck bars, or the like. But I don't do anything special to avoid detection, or ridicule. I can't, coincidently, live in the world's most tolerant town, and only visit the most friendly places. My home is in a tiny farming community, with four tractor dealers, and one car dealer. Everyone drives a pickup. Everybody knows I'm in transition.

I first stepped out of my home en femme in 1991, at a time that even Toronto was not so tolerant. Since then (allowing for middle age memory) I've heard gay slurs sent my way 4-5 times, I have been deliberately mis-gendered once, I have been asked if I'm a boy or a girl twice (once was by a seven year old girl), and asked if I was in costume once. Oh yeah, and handful of 'You're a guy' (just an observation) after somebody has been studying me. That's in over thirty years!

Confidence, and good judgement has something to do with it. Being in Canada as well (we're very tolerant, and polite), Maybe it's just good luck, but I'm not seeing any transphobic nature in people at all. Au contraire, I'm seeing love and acceptance.

I use the same precautions any woman would use, and I'll say I err on the side of caution in dicey situations, but my feeling of security is pretty damn good. I've never lived in fear for what I am, and I've never made apologies, or excuses.

A few of you girls are about to jump on my butt, and say 'You don't live where I do, where they regularly lynch trannies!' Granted, these are MY experiences only, and I likely haven't been where you live. And yes, in Toronto two TS sex workers were murdered a few years back. I'm no ostrich. Hate exists, and there are those who wish us harm, but I'm just calling them as I see them.

Is anybody else as invisible as I am? Am I setting myself up for the fall? I my view of the world so skewed I don't see the scowls on people faces when they see me? Just food for thought.

[AveryS]

This This This This. People are too busy with their own lives to care. Seriously!! Yes, there are exceptions and areas where people are deliberately out to 'hunt down the trannies' but in most areas, people just don't care. In my town, there's a guy that dresses as a wizard. Always. And he's a really nice guy, and people don't care. I see guys at the beach clearly not trying to present feminine, yet wearing a two-piece bikini. The key is just not to give any f**ks and go for it.

Sad reality that most people don't want to hear: You just aren't as important to everyone else as you think you are. Be worried about your friends and family, but who cares about the rest of the population and what they think... they just don't see you, and if they do, they might comment in their head, but will forget about it almost immediately.

That said, I'm too chicken to go out in public right now It's not because of what others will think, say, or do, but rather that I'm in a small town and I just can't have this being relayed home right now.

[kimdl93]

Honestly, your experiences mirror my own, although far more extensive in time and scope. I just started going out in public a couple of years ago, but even the first steps out were met with either indifference or acceptance. I've been very pleasantly surprised. In most situations, I've been recognized as TG but accorded the same measure of courtesy as any other woman. I recently even toured a museum, mingling among hundreds of people of all areas, and garnered hardly any notice at all.

There was that one unpleasant experience in an RV park, but that was exceptional and I consider my mistake there to be in the wrong place at the wrong time, observed by the wrong person.

I suppose Houston is a good deal more tolerant than rural Texas, but I have been othrwise well received even when traveling up through OK, KS, NB and the Dakotas.

[TeresaL]

Same here. No one notices. No stares, no broken conversations as I walk by, no second looks, no comments, giggles, or sneers. Nothing. I'm not saying I pass, but its like I do. Not supposed to though, because there is some base I'm not covering, some chink in my armor. One thing for sure is that people not paying enough attention. Maybe they don't care anymore. Maybe it's no big deal to them.

Whatever the general public's reason for being inattentive is ok with me though, because it allows me a social life without issue. I'm sure it will catch up with me though.

So flame me and tell me I look 100% like a man. I think that to, but something is working.

[Lori Kurtz]

So flame me and tell me I look 100% like a man. I think that to, but something is working.

If you think you look like a man, you must not be looking at the same picture of you that I am. That girl is cute.

[I Am Paula]

Teresa- I look in the mirror and see guy me. My sister swears that not just being polite, she sees a girl. I figure, as long as I don't scare the horses, everything's fine.

[Angela Campbell]

I try pretty hard to be invisible. I have seen a few puzzled looks but not much. Mostly no one notices me at all. Anytime we look in the mirror we will see what the years have told us to expect.

[Barbara Ella]

In our society today, with so many different people all trying to be the most individualistic they can and stand out in the crowd, and make a statement about themselves, it is no wonder that someone behaving normally, dressing as would be expected, being polite and smiling can tick someone's box that here is a good person who gives me a good feeling. I think you do this to people, even if they do not fully take in the extent of who you are in total...Just not enough time to spend on any one person as we all try to sort our way through the myriad of things to do in a day.

Invisible? No, I do not believe for a minute you are invisible. You have simply (yeah right!) mastered the ability to be yourself, a comforting, non threatening individual, and once that observation is stored, most minds move on.

Keep on doing what you are doing, and be sure to let the rest of us know as we attempt to overcome our life situations and fears to be who we are also.

Kudos to you.

Barbara

[TeresaL]

If you think you look like a man, you must not be looking at the same picture of you that I am. That girl is cute.

Thanks Lori, now I've really got the big head. I'm going out right now. Haha. (Glad you didn't tell the thread how much I tipped you to say that).

[FurPus63]

I do find people staring at me from time-to-time. I wonder if it's cause they've "read" me and know I'm trans or if they're trying to pick up on what exactly is going on. Maybe it's cuz they see such a beautiful woman! LOL! I don't know. All I know is that I try my hardest not to let it bother me. I've only had one or two real bad encounters with a couple of losers, and I don't think that's too bad. I did have it more difficult early on in my transition when I looked much more like a man than I do now, but over the last 8 months or so I have had very little negative experiences out in the world. This is a cool thing! It shows that whether we are passable or not is irrelavant but we are at leaste blending in with the rest of the female population; and that's awesome! I think it's best I don't get a lot of attention. I like it that way.

I would like to say this. Since passing the one year mark in May, I've noticed more and more men are smiling at me (not laughing) and flirting with me. I have men opening the door for me all the time. I've even managed to have some men give me there phone numbers and had one night out when a guy asked me to dance and spent two hours dancing with him at a "straight" club! That was cool! So as transition continues, the hormones start and continue to do their thing, and having been blessed with as body that is adapting well to all of this, has made things very cool for me. I'm excited when I go out, now. How many guys will open the door for me today?? I wonder.

[Persephone]

Great post, Celeste! And your story is a real inspiration.

I've been out-and-about for around four or five years now and have found life to be as described by everyone so far -- wonderful!

The best part has been complete acceptance by family and friends. And my accepting spouse is the most wonderful of all.

At first, when I came out to friends my stomach was tied in knots and I would experience fear and dread for days beforehand. In one case I practically couldn't tell them about me, my stomach and esophagus literally tried to strangle me! They actually saw me for the first time a couple of weeks ago and everything was perfectly normal. They even brought their college age sons to dinner and we've been together several times since.

Throughout the process we haven't lost any friends and we've made lots of new ones.

Life is good, very good.

Hugs,
Persephone.

[AllieSF]

My experiences mirror yours in most ways and I am not full time, nor do I live in a non-accepting area, actually it is near the front for accepting and protecting all of us. I really like Barbara's statement, "Invisible? No, I do not believe for a minute you are invisible. You have simply (yeah right!) mastered the ability to be yourself, a comforting, non threatening individual, and once that observation is stored, most minds move on."

I believe that people notice us and then move on. If they have some time in their mind available at that moment they may think a little about it and react a little more. Otherwise, it is back to their rat race as they try to keep up with the rest of the world. Personal presentation, mannerisms, confidence also play a big role in the end result.

[arbon]

I have not had problems in the bathroom.

Getting stared at is not unusual for me. When I am with my daughter she picks up on it a lot more than I do, and likes to stare back at people

[sandra-leigh]

I have rarely tried. I haven't had problems when I have, but I have worried. I need to learn, though. (How do all the people in the UK who have to go RLE for a year before HRT can be started handle this??)

Ontario now has gender presentation protections, but that hasn't really steeped into my consciousness as I have not spent much time in Ontario since then. Manitoba has gender identity protections but not gender presentation protections.

This is an issue that has been holding me back, I know.

As I started to write this, I remembered that one of my fears was about the effect on my job if became public that I had been kicked out of a woman's bathroom -- I was not "out" at work except to Human Resources. But now that I am not working, that issue has gone away... hmmm...

Confidence is part of it, especially when I am wearing jeggings instead of skirt or dress.

[Kathryn Martin]

Women generally avoid dangerous situations. But I have never not gone to where I wanted to go, but when the area or situation is not so palatable I am circumspect. I get noticed a lot because I am really tall at 6'2". I am beautiful not only in my appearance but in my attractiveness to other people and I get a lot of attention from guys. Women treat me as one of their own. Because I am tall I get comments like "I wish I was that tall" or questions like "how tall are you?" I am noticeable and being noticed but not in transition but rather as a beautiful woman.

I don't think you are invisible. I think invisibility is not a good thing. Staying under the radar pre-supposes that you believe that's where you belong. Eryn's comment when she says: "Once they look at my timeworn face the attention generally goes away." illustrates this point. Women in transition tend to not give permission to themselves to be beautiful. It reflects on their appearance, their demeanor, their revelation of who they are. I have seen it time and again. Being gorgeous not about what you have but what you do with it. Whenever I hear the word "comfortable" in reference to women's looks I cringe because it means they have given up being beautiful, being gorgeous. Women in transition tend to not give themselves permission to be worth the effort a lot of the time.

Since my professional and social transition I have not been mistaken for or have been called a "guy" a "tranny" or even heard a bad slur or word.

[Eryn]

When seeing someone most people go through a decision tree:

Is this person dangerous?
Is this person a potential mate?
Is this person interesting in some other way that merits my attention?

If the answer to all three questions is "no" then their perception turns off and you do become invisible. This is something that anyone over the age of 50, particularly females, knows quite well.

I didn't believe this when I first started going out. I thought that everyone would be staring at me judgmentally. It didn't happen. I do get momentary bits of attention due to my height, particularly from those in the 6'+ range, but even that is only cursory. Once they look at my timeworn face the attention generally goes away.

[Nicole Erin]

I don't seem to get much, if any attention when out. Unless I am showing a lot of leg, and that is just cause they are so hot. I would date me and make myself do naughty things... ANYways...

The only time I ever had a problem in the restroom was I was at the Walmart restroom and sitting there, draining Godzilla, and some lady goes a couple stalls over. She had to do a number two and GYOD it was loud and juicy sounding, really gross. I mean like "fartfartfartFART squirt squish poo..." The problem then was it completely shattered my illusion that women don't do anything gross.
I am now scared to use the women's room for ever having to hear something like that again.

[RenneB]

Nope, I don't think you are the only one that's 'invisible'. For me I to try to just run under the 'radar' screen. I must say, it's hard for me to dress to blend when I really want to dress to impress. I don't want to attract attention but the other side of me wants to attract attention... I know it's a bi/gender/polar sort of thing but like others I've been living with this for most of my life...

I must say, that dressing for stealth is quite a challenge. I still won't dump my heels, nor the dresses, but I do tone it down a bit when out and about during the day.

One of the best places to go to be invisible is the casinos... two of 'us' went to one and although it was moderately packed, no one and I mean no one took their eyes off of their potential millions to check us out... Still I keep the 'radar' on for youngsters... heck they'll make fun of a person with a real physical out of the media "norm"... (overweight, short, whatever)... so I keep my distance...

Thanks for the thread....

Renne.....

[TeresaL]

Dang Nicole, I heard it too.

[Kimberly Kael]

Within a couple of months of my transition I was called out a few times in bathrooms and a spa lounge. Mind you, that was before my transition, and it occurred in men's rooms and the men's lounge. I think people pick up on someone feeling uncomfortable and out of place as much as anything. I haven't had any problems since transition. It took me a while to get comfortable talking to women in those environments, but it came with time.

[Deborah_UK]

I have rarely tried. I haven't had problems when I have, but I have worried. I need to learn, though. (How do all the people in the UK who have to go RLE for a year before HRT can be started handle this??)

Its not a year, but at least three months, and yes its a cruel protocol - although if you go private (i.e. pay) I think you can circumvent the protocol. I went full time on 1st January 2010 but didn't start hormones until May that year.

With regard to this thread, its good to hear all these positive stories, these mirror my own experiences pretty much, and it does give those worrying about transition hope that they won't be walking around with a big arrow above their head saying "tranny"!

Yes I know some do go through a hard time and I would hate to be in their shoes, I know how hard the dagger strikes on the odd occasion I'm misgendered so I can only imagine the pain that they go through, and it does no harm to highlight those possible pitfalls - but it doesn't hurt to highlight the good stories too.

[I Am Paula]

Thanks for all the great responses. While understandable, we hear so much about fear, rejection, hatred, and prejudice, that it's so nice to know that some of us can just get on with our lives.

RenneB- You can run under the radar in heels and a sexy dress, just do so in the appropriate place. Casinos are great, as are very expensive restaurants.

Confidence seems to be the running theme her. Let's not forget common sense. Stay safe out there!

[DebbieL]

I've only actually had problems using the restroom ONCE. I was in a Denny's in Colorado Springs. I was using the facilities when a voice from the next stall called out asking a question. I think she also needed toilet paper. I handed her the "care package" (10-15) under the wall. Then she recognized my voice. She said "Rex, what the hell are you doing in here?" I told her I didn't feel safe using the men's room in a 16 inch skirt, 3 inch heels, hose and blouse, since men have a tendency to become violent in such circumstances. She told me "I don't care, you should not be in here". She got out and told the manager. When I came out, the manager told me that if I used the ladies again, he would call the police and I would be arrested as a sex offender. This was Colorado Springs - 5 military basis, Focus on the Family headquarters, and not friendly to LGBT community at the time (1989).

Another time, I was in a suburb of Boston, with several cross-dressers, a support group for when I was on the road. It seems that some patron had seen us and complained to the manager about us using the ladies restroom out by the lobby. When she didn't know was that we had a special restroom in the back, near the kitchen, that customers would have a difficult time even finding. The manager confronted her, and she started going off on a religious tirade about how we were abominations... At that point, the manager warned her that filing a false complaint could get her arrested. She then admitted she made it up, she wasn't sure that the woman she saw was actually a male.

There is often a fear or perception that cross-dressers and transsexuals use the restroom and either flash or peep into the stalls. About the only reason this would happen is to find out if was occupied.

The one habit that new cross-dressers often have is that they want to check out the outfits that women are wearing, make eye contact, and give a polite nod - a male gesture of respect similar to an informal bow. Of course, the gesture gives them away as men, and they get read. Out in a hall or on the street, there isn't much of a threat, however, when you have just come out of the restroom stall and are already feeling a bit vulnerable, not a good time to have a guy in a dress flirting with you. Very awkward.

Most of us learn very quickly that the ladies' room is no different than the men's room. Unless you are waiting with a friend, there is very little talk, you do your business, wash your hands, and get out. It's not the time to apply a fresh coat of make-up or restyle your hair.

Most transsexuals learn quickly to blend, to look just like the other women. We don't have to be the most beautiful woman in the room. In fact, being too beautiful, sexy, or feminine can actually attract attention that will result in harassment and intimidation. On the other hand, if we're just "average", like the other 90% of the women in the crowd, we don't even get a second look. Unless we use the wrong restroom. If we use the one different from our presentation, we become a target. Even the 1-2% who might have noticed that we weren't exactly what we appeared wouldn't raise the issue because of uncertainty. On the other hand, if I come out of the men's room in a skirt, heels, and my long hair, I can usually expect the usual catcalls, remarks, and songs such as "Dude looks like a lady" or "Lola" - guys can be a subtle as a brick. Girls tend to squeal, giggle, and in extreme cases, howl at a high pitch that almost sounds like an air raid siren when you are the target of the attention - and you know it.

Lately, as I start transition, I have been having the opposite problem. I've been discovering that when I'm out in drab, such as work, that MEN are giving me the awkward stares, checking the door again before they enter, and have even been directed to the ladies. Quite simply, I'm having difficulty passing as a man - - even more than before. Of course, I'm also finding that I'm being referred to as "ma'am" or "miss" more and more every day. I plan to switch at work in a couple months, and am working at home 1/2 time, but I'm beginning to wonder if someone is going to ask me to do it sooner.

It's not a new problem, I had that problem until I was 14 years old. Even in the boy's shower they would make fun of my hairless body, small anatomy, lack of upper body muscles, and long slender legs. Then, when I did hit puberty, I was teased for wearing shorts and showing my hairy legs. You can't win.

The bottom line is that there will always be those who want to make themselves feel better by putting you down. This is especially true if you attract extra attention.