How do kids deal with transition?

[kathtx]

There have been a few threads lately about coming out to one's kids.

Let me ask a related question: for those of you who have transitioned or who are currently in transition, how are your kids dealing with it? Do they adapt quickly or do they show signs or stress? Do they have problems with being bullied by other kids because of their TS parent, or do their friends accept them? How does your relationship with your kids change? Do teachers or other adults treat them differently for having a TS parent?

As a parent of two preschoolers, these issues are my biggest concern about going forward to transition.

I'm not interested in theoretical speculation and off-the-cuff opinionating about how a parent's transition might or might not impact the kids. We all have our opinions, but I'm interested in how the kids *actually* were affected, either from personal experience in your own family, or from scientific studies on samples of kids.

[Lynnmorgan451]

I am curious to see what people post here. All I can tell you is from my personal experience. I have a 6 yr old boy in first grade. A 4yr old boy in pre k, and a 20 month old baby girl...my s6yr old asked my wife yesterday if daddy was mommys sister...my four year. Old asked her last week if when he grows up is he gonna be a girl.....I have no idea what to tell them. I don't really know what my wife said to them either...she wouldn't tell me..from my perspective, the kids are too young to notice the level of change that my wife sees, of course. They mostly see subtle cues of what they may think defies the gender binary. Either way I think they will be more accepting when they do understand then children who do not grow up with a trans parent....haha. Transparent. ....lol. And so we are so very transparent......

[arbon]

My 13year old daughter (was 10 when I came out to her and started transition) - I like to think she has dealt with it pretty well all in all, but it was not by any means easy for her. Lots of concerns with school, friends, family, all that, but there has not been any real major problems. Lot of awkward moments when she has to explain me to someone, thats always hard for her. She also gets upset if she notices people staring at me or talking about me.

The family part was hard where she was trying to accept me and understand yet the same time hearing people like my mom and relatives, (and some of her friends parents) not accept me. She was being tugged both ways. At one point we had to threaten to not let my mom see her anymore if she did not lay off making me seem like I was doing something really wrong to my daughter.

I think she misses having that male, father figure in her life and is not really sure how I fit. We have an okay relationship (I hope!) but there is still a lot of distance between us it seems.

When she is an adult and looks back on it I'll be interested in her perspective of it all.

[LeaP]

Only one of my children knows ... unless she has been sharing (but I don't think so). She doesn't talk to me about it, but my wife has reported her saying that she is very angry at me.

[DebbieL]

It's a lot better than it was 50 years ago.

My kids found out when my son was 10 and my daughter was 7. Their mom and I were divorced, and my ex told my son to try and get him to hate me so he would like her new husband more. She even told me that I left so I could be a girl. Nick didn't care. All he knew was I was the one who had held him when he was born (and lots of times after), that changed his diapers on the weekends, that watched cartoons with him on Saturday mornings, and took them to the park. In short, I was a loving parent who did many things that other fathers DIDN'T do and I didn't spank him with a belt (like his new daddy did until I threatened to take my belt to J and my belt had a 2 lb western buckle).

Bottom line is that he loved me more than ever. He told his sister, and she smiled and thought "I thought so, that's why he likes to play Barbies with me". Their love for me didn't waver. My daughter would even ask if she could go shopping with "Mommy Debbie", because it was so much fun. My son got even more loyal to me, to the point where he was threatening to hurt J.

Eventually, I had to talk to him and tell him that I WANTED him to climb into Dad J's lap, give him a hug, and tell him what he would want to tell me, for at least 30 minutes every day. It ended the friction and they became friends, but my kids never stopped loving me - even when I was 2500 miles away.

Even today, I get facebook notices from my daughter, showing pictures of her daughter in a really cute outfit and the caption reads "She get's her fashion sense from Grandma Debbie".

Even today, when we talk on the phone, it's always fun, filled with love and appreciation shared between us. My son just turned 30 and my daughter just turned 27. They are both having a few struggles, and we've been able to talk about them together.

The fact is that, unless you beat them or abuse them emotionally, they won't give a rat's tail whether you are wearing a brooks brothers suit, or a tutu and tights, and they will love you in ALL your many forms. That doesn't mean you won't have your difficulties either. Teenagers will defy their parents, sneak around, and try to "look good" for their friends by doing stupid things. That's just part of growing up. Even on the days they say "I hate you", they know that you will love them no matter what, and a few hours later, given a bit of love and patience, they will be apologizing and telling you how much they love you.

Usually, when kids get moody and crazy, it's because their self esteem has been threatened. It's amazing how quickly they learn to recover when you tell them about your experiences when you were their age, including your own stupid stunts.

Will the kids tease them because they have two moms? Not as much as you might think. There will be different cliques as there are in any community. The right wing fundamentalist Christians who believe that the bible was originally written by God in King James English will probably encourage their kids to reject your kids. On the other hand, their will be a LOT of kids who parents are more tolerant and will judge both you and your kids based on the quality of your character rather than the cut of your clothes.

[Allsteamedup]

Your female relatives can access a series of newly published pictorial and written material for children at depend.org. There is also a range of partner support and information there, too

[thechic]

I've been through that about 3 years ago, when I went full time, its a huge story to long to write, but I have a 3year old 9 year old and 19 year old. It ended up working out and still married.

[ReineD]

This is a 26 page, "Kids of Trans" resource guide. It is meant to help kids come to terms with transitioning parents. It also deals with initial reactions to finding out the parent is transgender, loss and grieving over family shifts, how to talk about their families to their friends, etc.

If I were transitioning, I'd read this booklet cover to cover.

Kids of Trans Resource Guide

It's a PDF file format, so you can save and print it.

[Jorja]

Where was this book 30 -35 years ago? It would have been a welcomed sight back then. Thanks for posting the link Reine. I have saved it for future reference.

[kathtx]

Thanks to all who responded. It's helpful.

Thechic, please do tell your story if you have time.

- Katharine

[gonegirl]

This is a 26 page, "Kids of Trans" resource guide...
If I were transitioning, I'd read this booklet cover to cover.

.

Thank you Reine :^)

[Oddlee]

Agreed, Debbie.

I was divorced when my daughter was 7, with split custody (a week with me alternated with a week with her mother). I did not come out to my daughter until she went to college (although she may have suspected sooner). Her response: "Dad, it's just clothes." Well, of course, to us it's a little beyond that. But looked at from her perspective - I am still the person she grew up with, going to museums, to swim parks, on bike rides; help with homework, support in school plays, life in general. To her, I'm the same person she already knows, however I'm dressed.

I grew up in the 50's-70's, when a person was beat up if suspected gay (let alone a cross dresser). My perspective about all this is definitely different from my daughter's, who grew up with gays being integral parts of society.

Lee