I know

[Lucy_Bella]

I know that there are many reasons why people xdress and to each their own ..This is not about other peoples reasons ,this is about mine..

Thanks to my own and my ex's actions I have been outed to pretty much everyone..I always knew the risk and it was just a matter of time before this day has came..I was prepared to handle it but in my own way at my own pace but thanks to the ex I didn't get that opportunity.. I am not ashamed ,embarrassed or in denial, I took it like a man..I kept my mouth shut

So , now that I am outed and surrounded by those closest to me with acceptance ,love and feeling sorry for me ..I have choose to remain in the closet,like I said I wanted to do it at my own pace and time.. But the door is open and the opportunity is there but I am not reacting to it ,why? Because I am not one to share my bedroom life with people ..I do not dress for the stereo typical reasons the average person thinks many of us do..They know I am not gay and that isn't a issue either..

The issue is I do not go around spreading other peoples bedroom lives that's personal .They think I have gender issues and I have said nothing yet to combat that even tho it's not true..The problem is, how do I explain something this personal to my children? This is why I have been to about every "cross dressing site on the internet researching my "Label" what best describes me and in a way that other people can understand..It's personal!! I do not want to share this part of my life ..I am a guy who just likes to dress in a fetish way in private.. The doors open ,I have a welcomed invitation to come out and be accept ..But to what? Something I am not? No thanks

[MissTee]

Sorry to hear you were outted so maliciously. That has to feel terrible. Hope you find your way through this. Was a bit curious that you referred to it as a "bedroom life." For many of us CD-ing has nothing to do with gender struggles, sexual orientation or sex for that matter. It's simply a form of self expression. A creative outlet if you will. Anyhow, good luck sweetie!

[TheMissus]

Hi Lucy Bella, my H dresses for the same reasons as you (fetish) and would be equally mortified if he were outed as this is a very private thing he does. It's sex, for one thing! How many people actually WANT to know the sex lives of friends and family? I sure don't! Ick.

I can imagine how difficult your situation is given everyone thinks you dress because you believe you're a woman and not because it turns you on. Can't you tell at least one of these people in the know the truth and let them share with everyone else? I know it's easier to keep quiet but you're right, this info may get to your children eventually and while I suppose you can sit them down and explain then, the reality is it's best they never know in the first place as parental sex preferences and children of any age don't mix! This really is information they don't need and my children sure wont be finding out if my H and I can help it. I have no clue what my parents did in their bedroom and to this day I'm happily oblivious, lol

Anyway, I'd bet if everyone knew it was a sex thing you'd never hear it mentioned again. Like I said, most are just not interested in discussing the sexual habits of others and while your ex was nasty to tell everyone like that and you were incredibly mature and strong not saying anything, I don't think it's fair she gets to decide who you are either. That's for you and ONLY you.

Set the record straight and get on with your life

[Beverley Sims]

You may be out to others but it is not really necessary to come out to your children.

[Oddlee]

Ouch! I started a reply and it got lost - here's another try... I'm 63 and have been a cross dresser since I was no more than , possibly longer... I was blessed to have a daughter when I was 39. Her mother and I were divorced when my daughter was 7. We shared custody, so my daughter was with me for alternate weeks. When she wasn't there, I could dress at will, and started developing a feminine wardrobe - what a delight (although it was still in the closet)!

Eventually, my darling daughter went off to college. She came back with stories about helping a guy in her dorm fit a corset for Halloween. So I told her about my own cross dressing. Her response, "Dad, it's just clothes." Well, clearly to us, it's not "just clothes." It's a need, or compulsion, or an obsession (or can become so). I told her about this part of myself, because I was tired of having to leap out of my chair in the living room and hide whenever I heard a key in the door.

Anyway, the purpose of this response is to explore the various attitudes about cross dressing. We all know about the need/drive. Those on the outside only see the facts - "my dad's wearing a skirt... so?" I grew up in a time where you could expect a beating at some point if you were gay (how times change). So it's difficult for me to understand that the current group of youngsters have different expectations, accept gay folks as part of society, and can say "it's just clothes." From their standpoint it's probably true - it's just clothes. From our standpoint, it's a statement of some sort...

Be well,
Lee

[PaulaQ]

I'm sorry that you were outed like that, Lucy. My wife did that to me, and it's a horrible experience, to put it mildly, to have your identity just RIPPED away from you like that. It is beyond frustrating that your story is now no longer your own to tell. Anyone she told now has her version of it first - yours will always be a revision, or they'll try to integrate the two, or they'll just never really listen to yours. You are put on trial, and never given the opportunity to offer your own testimony.

It's horrible.

On the plus side, though - no one can hold it over you anymore. It's something anyway - but it is terribly unfair what your ex wife did to you.

It sounds like people around you are reacting sympathetically, at least. You may not want that either (sounds like you do not!), but it beats hostility.

Hang in there.

[GaleWarning]

Well, well, well! Good to have you back.
Being outed is not the end of the world. My ex apparently told everyone, but no-one has ever said anything about it. And as I choose not to crossdress in public, the problem seems to have receeded into the distance.
So keep calm and carry on with your life.

[NicoleScott]

Things were OK until my first wife found out about my CDing. She could not be married to a crossdressing husband, so we divorced (my wife of 20 years now knows and accepts). I recently found out that my ex-wife has kept in touch with my brother's ex-wife, and I have that and other subtle reasons to believe my brother knows about my CDing. I don't know if I have been outed, but I may have been. He hasn't asked me about it, but I have been thinking about my response if he does. As an occasional dresser in private to feed my fetishes, I don't see how any explanation to anyone could benefit me or anyone else. Wanting to live your life in the open because you are compelled by a strong internal feminine identity is FAR different than dressing in private for equally strong but very personal, sexual reasons. Some have a need to CD in public, while others have a need to CD in private.
This is a good time to say that those of you who choose to be out in the public should quit trying to draw us private dressers out of our closet. Drawing us out only benefts you, not us. For some of us, CDing is a deeply personal and private thing. We are happy where we are, thank you.
Anyway, I don't know if I will ever be asked, but I have decided to say as little as possible, that what I do in my home is personal and private.
I am a believer that it is a choice to respond or not, that we have no obligation. For example, "It's golf or me, choose". You don't have to answer - let her make the choice. (I love Brad Paisley's "I'm Gonna Miss Her"). So I don't have to answer questions about my CDing.

[PaulaQ]

@ NicoleScott - I agree with you Nicole. I think being a private CD with no need, or desire for public interaction, and having no personal issues is the best outcome someone with cross gender expression could have - especially with an accepting spouse like yours.

@ Lucy - I think if people keep questioning you about it, the best thing you could tell them would be something along the lines of: "Well, I'm sorry she told you about that - that is something that I do, and is a part of me, but it is a private part, and not one you should ever have had to know about. I'd prefer to keep it private, and I'm sorry you were burdened with this knowledge - she told you against my will and explicit request." If needed you could launch into the standard litany of "not gay, not going to have an operation, not a girl, etc." and then reemphasize "PRIVATE!"

Hope everything works out for you.

[Lori Kurtz]

If you are a TS, and transitioning, you MUST tell your children. But you're not a TS. Your CDing is a sexual activity.

Would you tell your children about the positions you prefer for sex with a partner? Would you tell them about your favorite masturbation techniques? Your CD pleasures are for you to share with willing partners, if any, not for your children.

Relax. Enjoy who you are and what you do. Don't worry about who knows what at this point. Most people probably aren't talking to you about it because they don't want to pry into the privacy of your bedroom. If your children ask questions because of things they have heard from some irresponsible and indiscreet person, you'll have to handle those questions in the same loving way you would handle any other questions from them about things that are not appropriate for detailed discussions with one's children.

[vallerie lacy]

Lucy
Like the rest of us I hated to see what your ex did. I think that is the lowest thing that can be done. I can only hope that given some time that you will be back to what we crossdressers crave and love so much.
We are lucky in the respect that society has embraced the gay community so much. It may not be 100% yet, but it's amazing the acceptance by so many. From what I see, the younger generations are far more accepting than my generation. I wish you success in this phase of your "life".

[SometimesJen]

So , now that I am outed and surrounded by those closest to me with acceptance ,love and feeling sorry for me ..I have choose to remain in the closet,like I said I wanted to do it at my own pace and time...

...how do I explain something this personal to my children? This is why I have been to about every "cross dressing site on the internet researching my "Label" what best describes me and in a way that other people can understand..It's personal!! I do not want to share this part of my life ..I am a guy who just likes to dress in a fetish way in private..

I'm so sorry you were outed that way. I was outed in a very similar way to some of our friends and was absolutely mortified. Fortunately, most of them are accepting of a variety of gender identities and presentations so they weren't surprised and didn't ask any further questions.

You clearly don't want to come out of the cd closet so in the future so I'd agree with much of Paula's suggestions. The next time you speak with your ex- tell her politely but firmly that you would appreciate it if she would not discuss your cd'ing with others, that is your choice to make, not hers. If someone else does ask you, tell them "I'm sorry she shared that with you as it is a private personal matter. I'd appreciate it if you don't share it any farther." If they are respectable, they'll drop it and say no more. If your children, or others press for more, answer as much as you are comfortable with honestly and directly (eg. Paula's "not gay, not going to have an operation, not a girl, etc."), then remind them it's a personal, private matter, you would prefer to keep it that way, and change or end the discussion. Most people will get the message and nothing more will be said.

As for having been to many cross dressing sites on the internet, this is one of the best I have found. I hope you keep coming back for their support and to share your own wisdom.

[Chickhe]

The solution is to explain nothing. Just do what you do, accept it and let others accept it. I was worried about dressing up on Halloween over and over...worried what people would think...I've never explained it...just said I enjoyed it. But, one reason I do Halloween is to let people see me dressed up...beyond certain limits (I don't broadcast, but I don't hide either). My kids see me dressed, wife too and its just something I enjoy doing. They don't see me dressed at other times because I'm not looking to change my lifestyle, but if I was discovered, it would not be a shock...in fact, I would treat it as a non-event and I would expect the same. I think all this CDing fear is what we make of it, if you just do it and it is part of who you are to the people around you, then its not a big deal. ...also one way to deal with people who are negative and ask too many personal questions is to start asking them why they want to know, what is it that they are in to? You can deal with an ex-wife by telling people you got started on CDing from the S&M activities she asked you to perform in the bedroom... ;-)

[TheMissus]

You can deal with an ex-wife by telling people you got started on CDing from the S&M activities she asked you to perform in the bedroom... ;-)

Ha! Love it.

[giuseppina]

That one is priceless, Chickhe.

[Lucy_Bella]

Hi Lucy Bella, my H dresses for the same reasons as you (fetish) and would be equally mortified if he were outed as this is a very private thing he does. It's sex, for one thing! How many people actually WANT to know the sex lives of friends and family? I sure don't! Ick.

Yes , my oldest is 27 and I find it difficult to talk about my sex life ( or turn on's) ..Your "H" is very lucky to have you I just wish more GG's ( like yourself and the other GG members here are) would be as understanding.. I commented on my daughter F.B. post and one of my ex's childhood G.F.'s didn't like what I said for some reason and proceeded to announce it on my daughters page...It was in a very hurtful way and went something like ..You are such a great father you deserve father of the year..Not because you like to dress like a f**cking girl!! My so in-law quickly defend me ( risking his neck with my ex ) and pretty much told her where to go..

Bev, thanks and I will never come out to my children ..They only need to see me as they always have ..Although my freakyness will always be in the backs of their minds this is a private thing for me and nothing I wish to ever expose ..

Oddlee,
I think it's great that you and your daughter have such a good relationship I am 100 percent sure my daughter would do the same for me ..But it's not what I want ..I do not want to take the only father they have ever known and expose myself in that manner and understandable so ,this is a sexual matter for me and shouldn't be shared with my daughter.. Thanks for the support..


Paula ,Gale , Nicole,Lori, Valleire, Sometimesand MissT..
Thanks for the support and the knowledge you have shared with me and concerns ..I will think most of this through and it will pass ,in time i'm sure..


Chickhe.. I am doing exactly that because for the most part it is true the ex did promote it from the start but slowly and in time turned it off completely ..She started when she had her first affair on me and has used it against me since then to justify her affairs..I can't be sure on the exact amount ( because she was very sneaky even took my children with her to see other men) .. That's what brought her to out me..To justify her mistakes ..To make me look bad and her to be the victim..

[ReineD]

The problem is, how do I explain something this personal to my children? This is why I have been to about every "cross dressing site on the internet researching my "Label" what best describes me and in a way that other people can understand..It's personal!! I do not want to share this part of my life ..I am a guy who just likes to dress in a fetish way in private..

How do you explain it to children? How old are they? If they're teenagers or older, they'll understand when you tell them there are some things that we like to do in private and the CDing is such a thing for you. You don't need to find a particular label. And you don't need to tell them about the fetish wear. But, do tell them that you are their dad and you don't have gender issues. Case closed, and then all of you can move on with your lives.

The rest of the people will forget in time. Honestly, I think that people understand fetish crossdressing more than dressing for identity reasons. Most everyone knows there are lots of ways of being kinky, this is not big news. So just hold your head high, there's no need to mention anything to anyone else, and move on from this with them as well. And if anyone asks about it in the future, just tell them it is private and you do not wish to discuss it. Case closed again.

[Veronica27]

Honestly, I think that people understand fetish crossdressing more than dressing for identity reasons. Most everyone knows there are lots of ways of being kinky, this is not big news.

I agree, but I think it may often be the other way around for acceptance. People tend to castigate others for kinky, if they do not approve, but are willing to accept what appears to be beyond another person's control, such as his identity, even though they may not fully understand.

Whether or not to tell children is always one of the most challenging subjects. There may or may not be any necessity to say anything, depending on the extent of the crossdresser's activity. But when someone else tells them, as appears to be the case here, all the crossdresser can do is try to prevent any resulting damage. The age and initial reactions of the child are critical. You make some good suggestions that should be considered, bearing in mind that each situation is unique.

[Tracii G]

Lucy what you do or have done sexually in the past or present isn't any business of your kids or anyone else for that matter so I get where you are coming from.
Ii is wise of you to let your kids see you as the man they built their foundation on.I chose not to tell mine and feel its the right thing to do.
If they figure it out on their own then chances are they would understand.