Crossdressing becoming a problem for my wife -more info added

[cardigansissy]

Need serious advice, where should I go. Please help.
Ok, more info! She knew from the start. She didn't think it would be an issue. We tried to incorparate it into our sex life. She couldn't. She's 15 years older than me. Those 2 things together mean we don't have a sex life. She feel 'jealous' of my crossdressing. She trys to understand but can't. I try to limit it, but need a fix every now and again. It's mild. Slightly girlie knitwear which I occasionally wear in public. I don't wear her clothes. I do browse and occasionally buy online.

[kimdl93]

Please elaborate!

[ginger56]

we can't help with out more info about what's going on.

[Eryn]

This is a good place to go for advice, but as others have noted we need more information to be able to give good advice.

[Steph_CD_62]

Need more information.
Did she know about your crossdressing from the beginning?
Did you just tell her?
When you did tell her, did she seem supportive?


So much more information is needed to be able to help you.

[Karen_Ski]

Well if cross dressing is becoming a problem for your wife tell her not to do it!

All joking aside everyone is right, we can't help unless we know what the problem is. If you give us some information perhaps we can help.

[Beverley Sims]

Are you being pushy, dressing provocatively, using her makeup, wearing her dresses.
What is the problem that has cropped up.
I am about post seven that wishes to help in some way.

[kimdl93]

I waited for a little more information, but since none was forthcoming, here's a little generalized questions to sort out your situation.

You say only that CDing is becoming a problem. Can we infer that a) she knows and has perhaps known or some time; and b) that she was never terribly enthusiastic, but didn't object if you kept it out of her sight? If you haven't tried to be more open about dressing in her vicinity, is it safe to conclude that you're doing more when you're alone and perhaps buying and accumulating more clothes?

Have you taken it farther and now dress in her vicinity? Do you dress completely or just certain garments? Are you wearing a wig, make up and breast forms?

Have the two of you talked and if so, did she express specific concerns or reservations?

[NicoleScott]

Your wife's crossdressing doesn't have to be a problem. Talk to her about it, and try to understand what's driving it.

[cardigansissy]

I've edited with more info. Thanks for the support.

[Tina_gm]

Still light on details cardi, but from what you have offered I will try to add what I can. You two attempted to take it into the bedroom but couldn't. And now you are saying there is no intimacy. Perhaps try to restart the fire using a more masculine approach. Perhaps not wearing anything in public that is effeminate, at least when you are with her. Continue to have communication with her, but do not overload her with it. Ask her what are the things that are hard for her. It will likely be individual to her. There are things my wife finds easier to deal with and doesn't mind than others and vice versa. Consider coming up with new agreements and boundaries.

[MatildaJ.]

What are you hoping to achieve? Do you want her to accept you crossdressing more, or do you want to restart your sex life, or both? It's good that you don't wear her clothes. What keeps you from buying what you want for yourself?

[cardigansissy]

Still light on details cardi, but from what you have offered I will try to add what I can. You two attempted to take it into the bedroom but couldn't. And now you are saying there is no intimacy. Perhaps try to restart the fire using a more masculine approach. Perhaps not wearing anything in public that is effeminate, at least when you are with her. Continue to have communication with her, but do not overload her with it. Ask her what are the things that are hard for her. It will likely be individual to her. There are things my wife finds easier to deal with and doesn't mind than others and vice versa. Consider coming up with new agreements and boundaries.

Me being masculine is interprted as false, and thus not accepted. She misses a manly man in her bed!

Both would be wonderful, but I just don't want her to be sad about it. I resist buying because she doesn't like me wearing them, and so they all go in the closet and rarely see the light of day!

What are you hoping to achieve? Do you want her to accept you crossdressing more, or do you want to restart your sex life, or both? It's good that you don't wear her clothes. What keeps you from buying what you want for yourself?

[kimdl93]

Me being masculine is interprted as false, and thus not accepted. She misses a manly man in her bed!

ok, so you've suggested that the age differential of 15 year (her being senior) combined with your CDing has eroded her interest in intimacy....and that she no longer sees you as male. So, what to do? You can't simply put on jeans and a pair of boots and reclaim "masculinity" in her minds eye. At best, you may need to engage a therapist to help address the barriers that have arisen between you.

[Di]

about the sex part
There are GGs that try that but it is a turnoffif that is the case so go back to connecting without the added cding aspect.

She feel 'jealous' of my crossdressing. She trys to understand but can't.[

.she can read or come here to find out more and if it STILL is something she just cannot wrap her head around ....so be it.... BUT you can talk and have her understand it is a part of you and both can work out time for you to do this alone.

[Ressie]

I see that you're 47 Cardigan making your wife 62. There's a good chance that she no longer has enough of the hormones that are associated with sex drive. Maybe you need to find out what she would really love in the bedroom. Her fantasies aren't the same as yours. Is there a communication problem in this department?

[Pretty in Pink!]

Cardigan,
I've found that a woman being jealous of "our choices" usually means that they feel that they are being replaced and/or that they are failing in some area. Especially with a substantial age difference, feelings of "Am I making him happy" and "Am I enough for him" could be conceived as reason for her to withdraw in a form of depression.

I myself have dealt with the fact that my wife knew of my personality prior to marriage...accepted it, played with, promoted it, rejected it and then accepted it all over again. What I have found is that there are times that I get caught up with the feelings/emotions that I'm experiencing and sometimes neglect diving into her inner person. When I put my issues to the side and take a moment to look into her soul, she rebalances and our marriage is better for it. Most likely because she feels that I'm not going anywhere, her husband is not going anywhere and that she is the love of my life.

There are also issues of a women's sex drive diminishing as they go through menopause and the cultural ideas that are associated with growing up within a specific generation. Also, there is the factor of a woman being accepting until they are faced with their own acceptance barriers in the bedroom. I know if my wife wanted to be a man, I personally would be reluctant to be accessible in the bedroom. (Some may call me a hypocrite but I'm just being honest)

I myself have had 38 years to deal with the inner me and coordinate how I exhibit my sense of being. I still to this day have to process who I am and where it is taking me. It hasn't been easy to deal with the spectrum of emotions that most of us experience. With that I understand that my wife's struggle with this subject matter will also ebb and flow as we grow old together. Communication, patience and acceptance on both of our parts will be key.

Hopefully this perspective will help you. I spoke from the heart based on my own experiences and I hope that I didn't offend anyone. (Although I know some may disagree...that's part of the beauty of this community.) *wink

Sabrina

[cardigansissy]

I'll try that, but she's now kind of reluctant to try anything. Thanks for the idea.

I see that you're 47 Cardigan making your wife 62. There's a good chance that she no longer has enough of the hormones that are associated with sex drive. Maybe you need to find out what she would really love in the bedroom. Her fantasies aren't the same as yours. Is there a communication problem in this department?

You're hitting a lot of nails right on the head. She feels replaced, she is finding it difficult dealing with growing older(not just because of me), yes this stuff is addictive and intense, she understandably doesn't get it, I end up excluding. It's wacky enough for me to have trouble understanding me, and I'm me, I'm male, and I'm from a more recent generation. I do understand it would be a miracle if she understood it! And no, her being a man in the bedroom would be hard for me too. And I'm supposed to be enlightened!! Thankyou for that scribble, it at least lets me know somebody else has similiar experiences.

Cardigan,
I've found that a woman being jealous of "our choices" usually means that they feel that they are being replaced and/or that they are failing in some area. Especially with a substantial age difference, feelings of "Am I making him happy" and "Am I enough for him" could be conceived as reason for her to withdraw in a form of depression.

I myself have dealt with the fact that my wife knew of my personality prior to marriage...accepted it, played with, promoted it, rejected it and then accepted it all over again. What I have found is that there are times that I get caught up with the feelings/emotions that I'm experiencing and sometimes neglect diving into her inner person. When I put my issues to the side and take a moment to look into her soul, she rebalances and our marriage is better for it. Most likely because she feels that I'm not going anywhere, her husband is not going anywhere and that she is the love of my life.

There are also issues of a women's sex drive diminishing as they go through menopause and the cultural ideas that are associated with growing up within a specific generation. Also, there is the factor of a woman being accepting until they are faced with their own acceptance barriers in the bedroom. I know if my wife wanted to be a man, I personally would be reluctant to be accessible in the bedroom. (Some may call me a hypocrite but I'm just being honest)

I myself have had 38 years to deal with the inner me and coordinate how I exhibit my sense of being. I still to this day have to process who I am and where it is taking me. It hasn't been easy to deal with the spectrum of emotions that most of us experience. With that I understand that my wife's struggle with this subject matter will also ebb and flow as we grow old together. Communication, patience and acceptance on both of our parts will be key.

Hopefully this perspective will help you. I spoke from the heart based on my own experiences and I hope that I didn't offend anyone. (Although I know some may disagree...that's part of the beauty of this community.) *wink

Sabrina

[ReineD]

You say that she doesn't believe that you are a guy.

I've been there with my own SO. In the beginning when my SO was expanding her feminine expression (all body shaving, growing finger nails, more clothes, going out, spending time online as her feminine self, making friends as her feminine self, also participating in other related websites, etc), I also became convinced that he hated being a guy, that she was on her way to transition, and that she wanted to be with other people or situations other than just us in regular mode, more than being with me. I came to that conclusion because it was apparent to me that nothing was more pleasurable to her than engaging in cross-gender activities. The focus was most definitely on all things related to the CDing and honestly I felt cast aside. I just couldn't understand how someone who said that he was male or bi-gender seemed to live for moments when the male self was shelved, to the point where I often felt that she preferred it when I wasn't there and she preferred going out alone dressed more than anything else. Another way to explain this is that it seemed to me as if he just felt flat when he was in male mode.

It took some stabilization on my SO's part before things reached an equilibrium for us, in other words, my SO leveled off and stopped expanding. After this happened, I was able to better put everything in perspective and trust that the cross-gender expression was not what I, in my early understanding of it all, thought it was.

My libido was also affected then, but not because of my age (I'm also middle aged). It's much better now but it took some years for things to stabilize.

Another consideration in your case is, (pardon me if I'm wrong), the seeming fetish aspect (or if you prefer, a focus on particular non-human aspects) of the CDing. You call yourself a sissy and your name indicates that you are into a particular object (sweaters). I just want to say that it is not easy for partners of fetishists, if they are not into the same fetish. I want to underline that there is nothing wrong with fetishes in fact they can and do add spice to the bedroom, but only if BOTH partners are into them. If only the husband is into it, it is easy for the wife to feel as if the fetish is the preferred form of sexual gratification and being with HER is secondary. I cannot emphasize enough how much this can be a turn-off for the wives who do not share the fetish.

Hope this helps you understand where she may be at.

[star8916]

Talk to her about it.

[cardigansissy]

I understand where she is, and you're correct in that this all started with a fetish. It is broadening(I have for a while been getting interested in more traditionally feminine passtimes). I have "stopped expanding" with the dressing. I've probably actually contracted. I try and not dedicate too much time to this and lots to her. But I can't just make it go away, I have tried! Understand is essential obviously. Perhaps I just need to realise there is no fix here. Thanks for the input.

You say that she doesn't believe that you are a guy.

I've been there with my own SO. In the beginning when my SO was expanding her feminine expression (all body shaving, growing finger nails, more clothes, going out, spending time online as her feminine self, making friends as her feminine self, also participating in other related websites, etc), I also became convinced that he hated being a guy, that she was on her way to transition, and that she wanted to be with other people or situations other than just us in regular mode, more than being with me. I came to that conclusion because it was apparent to me that nothing was more pleasurable to her than engaging in cross-gender activities. The focus was most definitely on all things related to the CDing and honestly I felt cast aside. I just couldn't understand how someone who said that he was male or bi-gender seemed to live for moments when the male self was shelved, to the point where I often felt that she preferred it when I wasn't there and she preferred going out alone dressed more than anything else. Another way to explain this is that it seemed to me as if he just felt flat when he was in male mode.

It took some stabilization on my SO's part before things reached an equilibrium for us, in other words, my SO leveled off and stopped expanding. After this happened, I was able to better put everything in perspective and trust that the cross-gender expression was not what I, in my early understanding of it all, thought it was.

My libido was also affected then, but not because of my age (I'm also middle aged). It's much better now but it took some years for things to stabilize.

Another consideration in your case is, (pardon me if I'm wrong), the seeming fetish aspect (or if you prefer, a focus on particular non-human aspects) of the CDing. You call yourself a sissy and your name indicates that you are into a particular object (sweaters). I just want to say that it is not easy for partners of fetishists, if they are not into the same fetish. I want to underline that there is nothing wrong with fetishes in fact they can and do add spice to the bedroom, but only if BOTH partners are into them. If only the husband is into it, it is easy for the wife to feel as if the fetish is the preferred form of sexual gratification and being with HER is secondary. I cannot emphasize enough how much this can be a turn-off for the wives who do not share the fetish.

Hope this helps you understand where she may be at.