I'm living a lie in fear of what people think. I would be so much better if I just accepted myself for who I am. I should not care how people feel but I do.
I'm living a lie in fear of what people think. I would be so much better if I just accepted myself for who I am. I should not care how people feel but I do.
we all know about living in fear. It hurts. Accepting yourself is not easy but is a must to do. Without acceptance of yourself you can actually hurt yourself in many ways. As for others, everyone cares how they are treated. We all care about how others see us. However, you can over time develop a live and let live attitude. They can feel how they want and you can feel how you want. At some level you will always be effected by others for better or worse.
TO OVER WEIGHT TO POST A PHOTO, MY wife tells me I look like I am pregnant
Wasn't it FDR who said 'There is nothing to fear, but fear itself'?
People try to put us down
Just because we get around
Stevie,
You are not alone. There are tons of us who are living a lie because we fear what others will think. You have two choices. Stay in the closet and enjoy yourself, or come out and worry about what someone thinks of you. I will stay hidden, but I will always enjoy my dressing.
After searching my lingerie drawers, I have come to the conclusion that they lied. Ruffles don't have ridges. At least mine don't.
This is the perfect time of the year to face some of that fear. Go out and do a little shopping for yourself. Get an SA to help you and put together an outfit. Don't say anything about Halloween, just get yourself a few nice things. The SA will assume it's for Halloween, but maybe not. That's the fun part!
Lynn Marie
Click here to see me on Flickr
It is good to have a little fear but you do need to overcome it to enjoy life.
Look outside the circle and consider your options.
The 31st October is approaching fast and is a great coming out time.
Give it a try just to boost your confidence.
Work on your elegance,
and beauty will follow.
There are always fears in life, crossdressing is only one that we can encounter in the world. We have to accept us for who we are then and only then can we truly control our destiny. Megan
Oh, how I relate to that. Terrible people pleaser here, and it is toxic. I was bullied at home, and at schools, and on jobs, and still am, by my older twin brothers. Some days you have thicker sken, , and let it all go off like water off a duck's back, and other moments, the fear hits hard again. For some, it is harder, than others. I try not to be a liar, but still live a lie all too often. One time i went out, and into some stores. After talking with cashiers, and letting them know i was a guy dressed, and having fun, the fear went awaay, and i went into a grcery store, and opened up to cashiers there too, and asked them if they could tell. Even let other shoppers nearby see and hear me. But, other times, i freexe with fear. I have been emotionally tortured earlier in life, and i may never totally overcome the fear. That's why i seldom go out, but hope to a few times around Oct 31, though i don't celebrate that holiday. Best wishes.
I dont think that one girl on this forum knows what it is like not to have kept our dressing a secret for at least some part of our lives.
I know it feels so good to be dressed and i really do feel comfortable in my girl mode as Heather.... BUT I have not been abel to ever go outside or have any CD friends. I feel that once we start making friends and learning the courage it takes to go out and be our true selfs out there in the world only then will be truely comfortable. Not sure if i will ever be able to do that though.
Stevie, I think there is much frustration for many of us CDers who have developed a life that people on the outside only see the male side of us. Society is what it is. It isn't perfect by any means. It is very judgmental and very hypocritical. We live outside of the norm. Yes, we have to accept ourselves. But, at the same time, we also have lives that operate within society, we have families, friends, jobs.... a lot of us have kids, grandkids.
While I think it is of utmost importance that our S/O's do know about us, and perhaps some close friends or certain family members, depending on our own unique circumstances in life, not everyone has to know. I started a thread about being more obvious than I realized. Obvious that I have feminine traits that do show up and some people have picked up on. Do they need to know the full extent of it? Not necessarily. It is always a balancing act of accepting ourselves, giving ourselves some comfort to be who we are and to live within society as well. To me, this balancing act is among the most frustrating aspects of being TG. I have both a masculine side and a feminine side. Yet society will only see the masculine side. Or accept it anyway. Actually some are seeing a feminine side of me, but they do not need to know the full extent of it. To me, its not worth ruining a job or alienating many friends and family members over. If it wasn't for societies made up restrictions and issues with anything out of the ordinary, we wouldn't even need a forum like this, hell, there probably wouldn't even be a crossdressing term if it were really so accepted.
Chickens should be allowed to cross the road without having their motives questioned
There is nothing wrong with caring about what others think. You can do that and accept yourself too. First you have to understand that while you may wish people to think well of you, and hopefully conduct yourself in a manner that reflects concern for others, you cannot live your life solely to satisfy other people's expectations. And in truth most of the people in your life have their own interests and issues, some of which you might not approve of. They spend little time focusing on you, and your life.
In truth all life is a balance of these seemingly conflicting considerations. Your challenge is to find a balance that works for you.
Remember always that you not only have the right to be an individual, you have an obligation to be one.
Eleanor Roosevelt
Accepting yourself, and being concerned with what other people think, are two entirely separate things. Because what other people think will determine whether you ever have any type of interaction or relationship with them. Telling women up front, for example, that you are a crossdresser will eliminate about 99% of them from ever dating you. Being out and dressing 'out' and you better have a very, very strong ego, because there will be people who will ridicule you, whether to your face, or behind your back.
We may not be the most popular people in the world, but we didn't cause this, and we certainly deserve the same respect that everyone else does.
Some causes of crossdressing you've probably never even considered: My TG biography at:http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/...=1#post1490560
There's an addendum at post # 82 on that thread, too. It's about a ten minute read.
Why don't we understand our desire to dress, behave and feel like a girl? Because from childhood, boys are told that the worst possible thing we can be, is a sissy. This feeling is so ingrained into our psyche, that we will suppress any thoughts that connect us to being or wanting to be feminine, even to the point of creating separate personalities to assign those female feelings into.
Self acceptance is always the first hurdle. It took me 38 years to figure that one out. Now that I'm out, I feel more of a person. Being the other gender just gives me much broader palette to paint life with.
I still say not telling someone something is not lying! If they ask and you deny it then yeah.... But have any of your neighbor asked? If not then your not living a lie.... your just living an overly complicated life that's all... God I love using engineer logic to sole problems!
Last edited by Karren H; 10-18-2013 at 02:10 PM.
Stevie, if you know who and what you are, and become comfortable with that, there is only truth. Sometimes that truth is confined to the closet some of us live in, but it is not a lie.
I know what I am, who I am and who I will share this with. The only lie would be to deny this to myself. No one else here in my closet to worry about.
Relax, if you can, and just have fun with it. Look, if you are not finding enjoyment (aka fun) in dressing then it might be time to look for a different interest.
Hugs, Robin
Hi Stevie,
Accepting yourself is a good starting point and not just CDing but who you are as a whole person. But accepting yourself doesn't mean you have to be out and walking the world en femme. If you can accept who you are and are happy in the confines of your home, then do so. Self acceptance is not defined by who else knows but how you feel about yourself. Once you have that, what other people think will not seem as important.
Once you have embraced yourself and accept on whatever level, if you decide to go out then you will be ready for what it brings.
Hugs
Isha
Certain stores I shop in the SAs know I am shopping for me and are very cool. There are other stores, however, where they always refer to my 'wife' and how nice it is that I am buying her a special gift. In these cases I often just go along with it. Some SAs are a bit conservative and might have their brain circuits blown if I always demanded they realize I was shopping for me.
I guess it is a personal preference whether one wants to dress in public. If you feel the urge to do something and are afraid, than it might be sort of a lie.
You have to accept that most people will think you're off your rocker if you wear women's clothes. I have to agree with some of the girls here that if you didn't crossdress - then you would be living a lie. Coming out of the closet isn't for everyone including myself. There is a fear that close family and friends will react very badly, but on the other hand coming out to everyone might be cathartic or ideal. But there has to be a pay off for the risk involved. Risk=many friends and some family won't want anything to do with you anymore. Reward=what, you feel a sense of freedom? It's a personal choice we all must make. But once that cat is out of the bag...
"You're the only one to see the changes you take yourself through", Stevie Wonder
I agree. Accepting, and not running away from the person you are is the first thing to work through. Then you can gradually align your outward actions with the person you are inside. How can you expect other people to be accepting when you haven't even accepted yourself?Originally Posted by sometimes_miss
Life is an endless struggle full of frustrations and challenges, but eventually you find a hairstylist you like.
Engineers and their rules/logic, can't call an omission a lie, can't wear pants...geeesh
Not openly telling the world is one thing but when it is close to home its another especially when you already know the answer so when the question comes up you avoid the truth. Your conscious starts to get the better of you. You can't really be happy like this but I still choose to dress knowing the pain it causes.
As for stangers when out is what they are. Strangers. If they want to be stupid that is their business. Why bother responding. It is what they are looking for is a reaction. No reaction no issue.
When it's only me out and about, I don't care what others think. I like me! I am happy with who I am, thank you very much! But, I'm not selfish. And those I care about, I care for deeply.
My biggest fear is putting my SO or son into a situation that forces them to take heat from some idiot. Just because I was born into a situation that puts me in this gender space, that's not within the norm, isn't fair to them. I was born to deal with it. They needn't to be forced to. I always put them first! That what love is about.
And because of that, they respect who I am even more.
"Few are those who see with their own eyes and feel with their own hearts."
-- Albert Einstein
Stevie, it sounds as if you'd like to go further than you have already, maybe wearing makeup regularly and if you don't have breast forms, getting some, and maybe also a wig?
Sorry but I don't know exactly where you are with the accessories.
And apparently your wife is reluctantly OK with this and so you feel both guilt when dressing and sadness at the same time because you don't feel that you can look the way that you want to look?
How about going out? Would you like to go out with CDers or other friends (or your wife) out on the town or to dinner maybe?
Is this what you call living the lie … not taking it as far as you would like to?
You might consider having a serious talk with your wife to let her know what you would like to do. Going as far as I've outlined above does not mean that you are becoming a woman or that you are attracted to men and it would be important for you to let your wife know this. If your wife does not want to be involved, then you could take an evening or two every week to practice your makeup skills (get your own makeup), and then you could find a CD support group in your area to go to?
You can do all of this without involving your wife if she does not want to participate. But you don't want to throw it in her face either. It's important that she become educated as to what this means to you and ultimately to herself. Perhaps she could join this forum and apply to join FAB for support.
The rest is up to you. You are who you are and you must stop feeling guilt over it.
Not to leave any stones unturned, I take it that by living a lie, you do not mean that you would like to come out to everyone you know or that you are not disclosing the fact that you are transsexual and want to transition?
Reine
Reine yes I would like to go farther. I go through this every fall/ winter. She really doesn't want nothing to do with this. She asked that we keep this to ourselves so if she finds that I use this site then I lied to her again which is true. So I can't suggest this to her. If I put the effort and made all the arrangements then she said she has no problems with it even though she wants nothing to do with me like this. She is trying but knowing the truth makes me feel terrible. To put myself through this knowing this is not right but I feel the need to dress This can be solved by me not dressing but I just can seem to stop wanting to.
Stevie, as long as you believe this, you will be unable to talk to your wife and help her to understand that this is a part of you and it is not going away. It is not a choice.
You are not broken.
Reine
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