Pulling back

[Melinda75]

Hi everyone this is my first thread. I've been a crossdresser for 30 years now. I came out to my wife before we got married and of course she wasn't sure what to think at first, but after many talks and research on her part she for the most part has accepted "me" and actually participates and buys me things. We set boundaries and she wanted to know how far I planned to go with this. It was pretty much a part time thing at the time. Well as I have got more comfortable being able to dress I seem to want it more. Now she thinks that I lied to her about how much I wanted to do it or how far I want to take it. That's not true at all, these feelings have just grown with time and I don't know why. I don't wanna violate her trust but I want to be honest with her. Now she has kinda backed off of acceptance. Not sure what to do now or what's going on with my feelings.

[Rachael Leigh]

Melinda your story is much like mine, my wife also know when we got married 32 years ago. I too am going thru wanting more. I've been thru much purging and then coming back to dressing now I don't want to stop. My wife tried to accept as well but has really not been ok with it for a long time. I hope all will go well for you.

[Beverley Sims]

You have the clue here, puling back and reducing your activities.
You have probably been advancing too fast for your wife and she is not getting used to it as quickly as you would like.

[Kelly DeWinter]

For some being in a relationship with a cross-dresser is like a parent having a teenager. Once a teen is allowed to stay out past their curfew, they push for more and more time, allways wanting more then the parent is comfortable with. At some point you may push to too hard or for too much. If YOU continue to push faster then your spouse is comfortable with be prepared for the consequences.

[Denise Johnson]

I would explain to her just like you explained to us. That when you told her about your dressing it was a part time thing. But the desire has grown, and now you would like to dress more.

[MissTee]

You're likely going too fast and are freaking her out. 3+ decades into our marriage and I'm not growing much more. There was a time a while back when I seemed to have insatiable dressing needs.

For me the secret is to keep little bits of dressing in the schedule at all times. Could be simple as a leggings and a sweater, or panties and nightie at bedtime. Wife doesn't mind that. Going cold turkey for too long seems to lead me to a higher need. I call it my crisis gown stage and it takes almost dressing like Cinderella to calm me down.

[ReineD]

It was pretty much a part time thing at the time. Well as I have got more comfortable being able to dress I seem to want it more.

Before I answer, can you clarify what "more" means exactly? You said that you CDed pretty much part time. Do you want to live full-time as a woman now, in other words are you a transsexual who would seek to transition?

I ask because there are many end points to the CDing. Some people are happy never leaving their closets or just wearing underthings. Others want to push it to dressing all out femme when they dress, with makeup, wigs, breast forms, etc. Still others want to present full-on femme in public a few days per week and be a guy the rest of the time. While others want to wear feminine clothing every minute that they are home and only want to wear male clothing when they go to work.

So, what is your goal, exactly?

[Melinda75]

I only like to dress "all out" when I do it. I keep my body shaved for the most part, full dress with make up and wig. I even have my ears pierced which she knows all about and is ok with. Heck she has even pierced my ears a second time and pierced my belly button for me. I'm not real sure of where I'm going with this anymore. I have thought about breast enhancement and maybe even hormones, but want to keep my parts down below. I just wish I had some of the things "real" women have like curves, breast, soft skin and so on. I'm not sure what I am anymore.

[ReineD]

Melinda, you'd have to be brave indeed to go for a physical body that is a combination of both, but neither male nor female. The world (in which you will live and interact) is not ready for this. Being transsexual is more than wanting a female's curves; it means that you cannot live with any part of your male identity and physical characteristics. Further, most transitioning TSs do opt for Facial Feminization Surgery in order to better blend in as a female, since HRT does not change facial features.

Also, no one can pick and choose the effects of HRT. Wiki has a good page on the full effects and potential dangers, but the thing to remember is that it affects your male functioning. There is no guarantee that you will have breast (it is different for everyone), in fact many of the transsexuals opt for breast augmentation surgery in addition to FFS.

As to being a CDer and not a TS: it is my observation, having participated in this forum for years, that the natural progression for the crossdressing (providing the CDer's life circumstances will permit it), is to eventually seek interaction with other people, in other words leave the closet even if it is to the next town over. And this means presenting as realistically as possible as a woman with wig (or long hair), pierced ears, possibly longer fingernails, makeup, breast forms & hip pads, body shaving and in the case of my SO, laser beard removal. But, this does not mean that a person is transsexual. For example, my SO dresses to go out on average several times per week and s/he is a guy the rest of the time. This is what s/he found worked for her best, since s/he is not willing to come out at work and s/he also does not want to get rid of his male sexual functioning. My SO identifies as dual-gender and s/he will not mess with coming up with a hybrid body, because she knows this would cause her to be ostracized (see first paragraph).

It's difficult to reach a balance with all of this and you want to make sure that you have ample time to explore your feminine self before committing to any body changes. You might also want to consider seeing a gender therapist to discuss all of this in person.

One last thing, in answer to your first post: if you are transsexual, there are few wives who can stay the course through transition, even though we do have several GG members who have. But for the most part, hetero women find it difficult to be in a relationship with a woman or someone who is becoming a woman.

Hope this helps.

[Kristyn Hill]

well said, Reine! Good Luck, Melinda on finding your balance. All of this is very hard for us. My wife is accepting and was right out of the shoot last April but it took time for me to ease into everything. She is still not ready to see me go out, I believe. She has seen me dressed fully one time and thought I was very pretty but we stayed in. I really want to go out and I am trying to find a balance with just this factor. Once again, Good Luck!

[Jaylyn]

Kristyn and Reine have the answers for you Melinda. My wife and I have always been open with each other. She knew I had a small feminine side after we were married and often said that was why she loved me because of my caring for others, being kind, and helping everyone, while at the same time being a rugged male type. Early in our marriage she dressed me totally in one of her outfits and she and I played dress up several times mostly what she thought was a fantasy of mine. When I did tell I wanted to go farther and get my own dresses and makeup she just thought it was a stage, but now she knows it is more than that and it won't go away. Luckily I am satisfied at my age to stay at the point I have reached with it. I don't go out but have thought about it, I don't go to meetings but have thought about going sometimes. What I want you to understand is where ever this leads you keep the spouse informed. Let her know how you feel and also accept her feelings about it also. Marriage is a bond and both of you should be willing to accept each other as is and here is the hardest part each must accept each other in change to. Believe me to stay happy and sane both have to accept changes in marriages. Maybe as others have said take a deep breath and proceed with caution. This dressing can be so much more at different times in ones life as we progress thru it. Like two old songs say " why do we always want what we know we can't have" and the other one is " Kicks just keep getting harder to find", lots of truth in those two lines. Folks have lost fortunes, marriages, and even life itself following those two lines of different songs.

[samanthasolo]

It might not be a bad idea for you to seek out a therapist to not only sort out what you are feeling within yourself, but also to help the both of you find a level playing field to coexist with eachother. Her comfort zone as far as your dressing is something you always have to respect if you are looking to maintain her acceptance. We can only control ourselves in life in general, if you are no longer the person who your wife married 30 years back, or if you are not in control of yourself as far as your impulses, or possible compulsions you need to take a step back and put things into perspective for the sake of both of you.

[Melinda75]

Thanks to all for your comments. I need to clarify that I'm 38 and have crossdressed for 30 years. My wife and I have been together for 6 years and got married this past spring. I came out to her early in our relationship and she accepted it. The funny thing is I'm happy with my male self for the most part and enjoy all the male things I do, but over the last couple of years the desire to CD has gotten stronger. When I CD, I have always gone all out and want and try to be as convincing as possible. I have done that since I was in my early teens and it continues today. I'm so comfortable and at ease with myself when dressed that I end up wanting to go farther. In my mind sometimes I wonder if my brain is "female"? I really think I could live as the other sex and be completely happy. That is why I'm confused anymore.

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Melinda, Keep the lines of communication open but don't push it.

[Maria 60]

Welcome to my life. I don't know why the older I am getting the more I want to dress. When I hit forty for some reason it became very strong and I would be more nervous and moody. My wife is very supportive of my dressing but during that time she was getting upset telling me I was being unreasonable and couldn't handle that if I didn't get a chance to dress in a few weeks I would get moody and even depressed. I am not going to lie, I love to dress but at times I really could do without all this politics. I feel lucky my wife is supportive it makes things easier and this site has helped me but since I have joined this site I just can't dress with a skirt and a pair of pantyhose. Now I own a wig and full make up bag, so it is more complicated now and need more time to dress. The more I do the more I want and there has to be a line drawn in the sand. The only thing I could tell you is it feels like a up and down ride one day your not thinking about it and the next day your busting your brain out trying to figure out a way to find away to dress. I wrote a post call "she wanted me to be honest" and it is about a night that my wife asked me if something happened to her or our relationship if I would take the dressing further. I told her I would like to join a support group and maybe go out once a week dressed and go for a drink with other crossdressers. She ask why I don't do it, I told her I made her a promise about the dressing and as much as I want more I want her more and will be happy and feel lucky that she supports me. It's a tuff racket this dressing stuff.