My life is in flux right now..... My marriage is falling apart which is not the problem. My wife will probably be the "woman scorned" and out my little hobby.
Has anyone out there dealt with this and how did you handle it?
I an vacillating between "Deny, Deny, Deny" or come out and let Ami shine. Both have their pros and cons......
Thanks,
Ami
My ex didn't do so well in the divorce, spent many years angry at me, never mentioned my hobby as far as I can tell.
See all my photos, read many stories of my outings and my early days at
http://rachelsauckland.blogspot.co.nz
My wife has known that I CDed, but I came out to her as Miki late last year. She is not at all comfortable with me, and I want to transition which will mean the end of my 38 year marriage.
I suffer severe depression and the only happiness I have no is when I can be me and be with the friends I have that know me.
Do you, as Ami, want to be full-time or simple acknowledge this part of you. If you want to be full-time, it will drive you absolutely crazy to not try, with help. If you only want Ami to be a part of your life, then I would seek out counsel and discover how you can integrate Ami and you, the guy.
When writing the next chapter in your life, start with a pencil and eraser - my first page as Miki is full of eraser marks.
That's a tough one Ami. When my first marriage in the late 80's ended my wife blackmailed me with it. I gave her extra money and watched the kids over at her place when she went out. Looking back I was dumb because I think she outed me anyways to justify the marriage breakup. It wasn't the reason though. For what it's worth nobody confronted me with it until a few years ago when an old friend asked me if I was a crossdresser out of the blue. I guess he heard the rumors. I just denied it anyways.
Times have really changed since then so if I had to do it over again I would just let her tell everybody.
Maybe somebody that has gone through it recently will chime in.
which ever way you chose, remember she is the one who people will look at as being petty. Most will ignore what she says (her friends excepted) but if it were me I would just look at whoever asked and say "That is something personal."
The earth is the mother of all people and all people should have equal rights upon it.
Chief Joseph
Nez Perce
“Love isn't a state of perfect caring. It is an active noun like struggle. To love someone is to strive to accept that person exactly the way he or she is, right here and now.” - Fred Rogers,
I think my ex told some people after our break up. Once she told me that everyone knew that I was a CD. And an acquaintance of mine said that she told him some stuff about me that he didn't believe. The thing is anyone that knows her, knows that she tends to lie quite a bit.
Anyway, if your wife tells others they won't have that confirmed unless you do come out to them. Until then it's just a rumor with no proof.
"You're the only one to see the changes you take yourself through", Stevie Wonder
There are a lot of options for handling it, if it ever happens. I would counsel that if someone brings it up after the divorce you can ignore the question, deny it, ask them what they think, ask them that in a divorce do the parties always tell the truth and always try to treat the other party fairly without vengeance? Asking them what they think avoids having to directly answer a very personal and probably inappropriate question, and shifts the reason for the question back to the other party in the divorce and whether they are trying to hurt them. Which one you pick is up to you. If I am not ready to answer that question to that person, I would try one of those other options.
I am not sure how many people my ex-wife told. She moved over 1500 miles away, and I know she was telling people out there all the time. I even had one guy call me up just to ask me if I enjoyed wearing women's clothing. I told him yes I did.
Now as far how many people she told that know me I am not sure. I did have one "friend" confront me at the bar one night. I didn't deny or admit to it. I have not talked to him since.
I am sure my ex-wife told my kids, but they have never brought it up.
I figure if I lose friends over this, then they were never really my friend to begin with.
My wife outed me. We didn't get divorced and didn't loose any friends. Some were curious.
It is a decision only you can make.
Consider all the circumstances, work on the marriage and remember why you both married in the first place.
Work on your elegance,
and beauty will follow.
I had two different (ex) GFs back when I was in my early 20s that ran around telling their friends about my wearing nylons after they dumped me. There were a few times random girls or guys would ask me about "wearing pantyhose" or what-have-you when they ran into me or were drinking. The fear of being outed was pretty high, and I lied to protect myself. I have only a handful of friends that know the extent of my CDing, all female and one gay male that is also a drag queen performer. Working in the macho field I do makes the CDing a hazard. All I can see is total negative coming from being outed for me; and I feel the same for you in your situation.
“They’re not women’s clothes. They’re my clothes. I bought them.” (Eddie Izzard)
Unless u and your soon to be ex r fiting for possession of your children, a judge isn't likely to care about your "hobby".
If u r fiting for your children then having your attorney deny it is not bad strategy. If the judge will even listen, she will have to prove it and her own attorney mite prefer that she shut up. Because unproven charges like abuse, drugs, neglect, CDing, etc., etc. r common when couples fite over their children an often alienate judges.
Just don't let her blackmail u! The most important thing is hiring a good, experienced, divorce attorney. He/she will know the best way to handle your individual situation better than u or us!
U can't keep doing the same things over and over and expect to enjoy life to the max. When u try new things, even if they r out of your comfort zone, u may experience new excitement and growth that u never expected.
Challenge yourself and pursue your passions! When your life clock runs out, you'll have few or NO REGRETS!
My ex wife did out me, to her new guy(who was a family friend), and her parents, her parents confronted me about it and I told them everything, cost that wasn't my we split, they were cool with it and told me one of their friends was a CD and that they had gone out on the town with them,Originally Posted by AmiFL
I have told a few friends about it, their OK with it, but their partners all love it and want to go shopping with you,
I don't know who else she has told or him for that matter, but I always am worried about them saying it on social media and just to add to that they live just down the road
I am told that my ex- outed me when we split up, but no-one has ever said anything to me about it.
Ultimately, whether you are "outed" is out of your control - once shared, the secret is potentially public. Decide what you need to do with your marriage & kids - that's primary - if therefter it comes out, be proud of your courage & movr forward! You will be fine in the long term knowing you tried to make things work.
The Wise Ol' Momma Owl....Darla Jean
My question for you would be . . . If your wife outed you, would you be able to live with the fallout or not? If you can live with it and have no issue with people knowing, then your question is answered. If you cannot, then you may need to deal with some questions in which case, I would take Lorileah's advice and say "It's personal".
Hugs
Isha
That depends on what you want. If you want to be out...simple answer. If you would prefer to stay discrete, then let her talk all she wants and simply give a non denial denial.
My ex outed me to many family members, friends and co workers. Some dismissed it as slander, some knew the truth, but no one rejected me as a result.
Remember always that you not only have the right to be an individual, you have an obligation to be one.
Eleanor Roosevelt
I know my ex-wife told her niece whom we were very close to and I'm sure she told many others also, she has always had a problem keeping her mouth shut, and she is a very vindictive person. Her niece told me that she had told her (she loves me more then her own aunt) and that she don't care, she loves me for me, and it's no ones business what I do. I moved out of town after we split so I have had no contact with old friends other than facebook and no one has mentioned anything there. At this point I don't really care who knows.
A lot of it depends upon your own fortitude my friend.
Second star to the right and straight on till morning
Nothing to fear but fear itself.... and spiders... I hate Effing spiders....
If you don't believe you can save your marriage...then what I would do is just deal with it as it comes. Meaning if someone asks you about it deal with it then. You cant control what she does. Worrying wont help either. Just be truthful about it if if comes up. No reason to mention it if it doesn't come up. However in my opinion getting caught in a lie could be even worse then just coming out in ghd first place.
New facebook page feel free to add me as a friend. http://www.facebook.com/?ref=tn_tnmn...00003349942987
You really can't count on that; it really depends on who she tells; I've heard of other women who claimed their ex was a crossdresser as one reason for the divorce, and pretty much everyone accepted it without question. After all, nearly all women consider it a deception on a grand scale, hiding who we really are from them, and when they find out the reactions range from severe disappointment to rage. I don't get the impression that women think crossdressing is a minor issue at all.
In my case, my ex blackmailed me, insisting on the house as well as our financial assets, as well as me taking on our credit card debt, or she would out me to family, friends and work. Having lived through ridicule as a child, I had no desire to go through that again.
Good luck.
Some causes of crossdressing you've probably never even considered: My TG biography at:http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/...=1#post1490560
There's an addendum at post # 82 on that thread, too. It's about a ten minute read.
Why don't we understand our desire to dress, behave and feel like a girl? Because from childhood, boys are told that the worst possible thing we can be, is a sissy. This feeling is so ingrained into our psyche, that we will suppress any thoughts that connect us to being or wanting to be feminine, even to the point of creating separate personalities to assign those female feelings into.
Sometimes_miss, if I were threatened with blackmail while going thru divorce I would just go ahead and out myself to everybody and get it over with. At least, that's the way I feel about it now. So did she get the house, assets etc.?
"You're the only one to see the changes you take yourself through", Stevie Wonder
Several thoughts (based on one experience):
- if she thinks that your income will be impacted and therefore her settlement worse she may put money before revenge
- if she does out you and you deny that you CD and are subsequently found out then you will lose the trust of your friends
So prepare for how you might handle being outed but then what will be will be. Could do you a favour and as Ressie says don't allow her or others to blackmail you.
Last edited by Michelle (Oz); 11-02-2013 at 09:32 PM.
Thank you all for your input..... I am dealing with it day to day right now. The gurl in me wants to come out... cding is becoming more mainstream every day with all of the transgender news clips lately. I have a very good GG friend who I trust. I may talk to her and see her reaction. We shall see what happens.....
Keep posting.......
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