Can cross dressing alone really end a relationship?

[Jenniferathome]

There have been several threads recently where cross dressing is cited as the reason for the end of a relationship.

I have long advocated that cross dressing can never be the sole reason for a breakup. In the case of a marriage, or for that matter a multi year relationship cross dressing is just a "thing." It's an odd thing and certainly not for all women but there are a million "things" that make a multi year relationship. In a recent post, the OP writes that they were in a 3 month relationship that ended due to cross dressing. That is not enough time vested for a woman who may be struggling with this to keep gutting it. To me, 3 months is just dating. So cross dressing can absolutely be THE reason for a breakup. A decade or two says there is more reason to stay and adjust to cross dressing.

So, is the length of a relationship not intimately intertwined with this decision?

[Dianne S]

I think crossdressing alone can kill a relationship if the SO is completely aghast at the idea (for religious reasons or general discomfort with gender ambiguity.) But I think it's pretty rare; most relationships that end do so IMO for a variety of reasons.

[Alice Torn]

Yes it can be. If the wife or SO believes it is an abomination, against God, she will end it.

[Beverley Sims]

Jennifer,
If after a long marriage and you have been honest with each other dressing would only be "one" of the things that can cause a split.
Early in a relationship and had the SO not known, I think Alice and Dawn have both explained that one succinctly.

"Cross dressing is weird" to someone that does not know about it.
At a party I have gone dressed and it is a hoot.
Every one likes the joke. Give it an hour and some get very weird about seeing a man they know wearing a dress.

[LilSissyStevie]

Why bother asking this question when you have already determined that "cross dressing can never be the sole reason for a breakup." Sure, people on here say all the time that it caused their breakup but they are not as smart as you and can't see the truth. You can comfortably discount their experience and stick to your dogma.

[CarlaWestin]

I think crossdressing alone can kill a relationship if the SO is completely aghast at the idea (for religious reasons or general discomfort with gender ambiguity.) But I think it's pretty rare; most relationships that end do so IMO for a variety of reasons.

This sums up my point of view, exactly.

[Genny B]

I like Jennifer's thinking! I only wish I could get my SO to listen to her!

Genny B

[kimdl93]

This is a difficult thing to prove. In my personal experience, no. In fact my failed marriage had survived the revelation quite well and was not ended by my CDing. Nor has it harmed my present marriage.

I am sure, however, that here are some women who simply cannot accept or appreciate having a CDr as a partner...for a variety of reasons. But I also suspect that factors unrelated to CDing can be far more destructive of relationships.

[Christina Kay]

Having just recently told my wife I like to cd. I don't think it can be the sole reason. But it does set into motion, a series of questions . That can shake the foundation of your commitment. Yes it is a hurdle to be dealt with. A lot depends on how you are as a couple. To shatter the view your wife has of you. Is road not easily walked. Even though they might have hints you cd. It's seldom easy for a women to accept her spouse in womens clothes. Mostly it is a slow work in progress of acceptance, visually and mentally. I am at the early stages of acceptance. I am sure after 32yrs of marriage, things work to a balance point.. Isn't that all we can hope for, balance. Yesterday my wife said to me "since you came out to me, the whole energy of this house has changed for the better. It's a happier place" So yes the length of a relationship, is intimately intertwined. To how you go on from that day forward.

[Lorileah]

Never say never and always avoid always. I am sure somewhere sometime someone divorced over just dressing. Just like I know that men divorce their wives when they start to age just because they don't look like they used to. These people are superficial and petty and honestly not worth anyone's time. I say if you love someone, truly love someone not just say you do, that it takes a major disruption to break you up. I had an aunt and uncle who slept apart for 50 plus years, they had one child, they didn't hold hands, they didn't kiss, he berated and teased her all the time, she called him names. Yet I know they were the most "in love" couple I ever met. Nothing would have broken them apart. When you find that cross dressing would be nothing more than a blip on the radar. My opinion is that too many people marry not for love but because they think it is expected or they see a physical attraction and not a soul attraction. Those would be the ones who would separate or divorce over cross dressing, they were (are) not really in love but are just going through the motions. Nature is wise, she makes our eyesight start to fail as we age so that we can still "see" our SO in the way we first did. The memory of how she/he looked is stronger than what they show now.

[~Joanne~]

On one hand, I think the CDing alone can, in some cases, be the sole reason for a relationship going south. On the other hand, I also think that it becomes the reason to justify ending a relationship that has a lot more problems than either party will admit to. The main problem being a lack of communication.

We hear about divorces, that once in front of a judge, the SO will bring the CDing into like the judge says "oh, I didn't know THAT, divorce granted" as if that one factor alone is enough to get it done.

[Sophie_C]

Jen, I believe it's really on a case-by-case basis. Some people have a certain image of their partner that is "shattered" by the image of the opposite gender they are attracted to, but many times it's just an excuse. I have a friend of mine who came out as bisexual in private to his wife, but never, ever cheated or even considered the possibility of doing it, but she used that as an "out" to divorce him, since she had lost interest a while back. She acted all shocked, horrified and basically like he had cheated on her, but he never would have in a million years. The same drama/excuse can go for crossdressing. They were together for like 7 years, so in a similar scenario, it was like what you are saying.

To me, I'm more trans and am not likely to date much unless I transition, so I have an entirely different situation.

[JenniferR771]

I have an online friend with two kids in college. Self-employed. His office computer crashed and he used his home computer. He left the thumb drive in, forgot to delete his history, didn't log out or something. His wife of 25 years found his online stuff. It did not go well. He has his own apartment now.

[MatildaJ.]

My perspective as a GG is that a low-level of cross-dressing, say once or twice a week, in private (or in public but unlikely to be seen by people they know) probably wouldn't end a strong marriage.

But if the husband shifts in a couple of years from no CDing (except in secret) to CDing all the time they're together, loses interest in previously shared activities because he's obsessed with the CDing, refuses to have sex the way they used to, or if the wife starts to think that the CDing is just a stage on the way to transitioning... that could certainly make the marriage feel like just a roommate situation, and roommates who don't have much in common.

Then would you say it was the CDing which ended the marriage, or the self-centered, obsessive approach to CDing?

[Jenniferathome]

Jess, your example, to me, is well beyond cross dressing. Self obsession is not a relationship. Would that not be true in anything ones partner does? Substitute cross dressing for golf and is it really any different?

[MatildaJ.]

I agree, and either spouse can become obsessed with something -- whether politics, video games, sex, or remodeling.

[Ayame]

It can end a relationship for many reasons. One maybe if you were not open from the start it can cause trust issues. Maybe they just arent attracted to women, or feminine men (everyone is entitled to have a type, just because they like a certain sex does not mean they like everyone with those parts!). A lot of people also have an alternate personality when they are en femme, so your partner might miss the you they fell for. There could be religious reasons, or maybe they do not want to be associated with the stigma.The list goes on and on. However, I encourage you to date someone that loves you for you no matter how you present, but you are free to do as you wish.

[ReineD]

You cite two scenarios:

1. The short-term relationship: I agree that just the CDing would be enough to turn a woman off. She hasn't yet formed attachment bonds with her bf.

2. A committed or long-term relationship: I also believe there must be something else that propels the separation other than just the CDing. So many things do happen in committed relationships and don't about half of them end in divorce anyway? A lot of people do not have proper relationship skills to withstand all the issues that crop up. So resentments do build that have nothing to do with the CDing. And sometimes people are not aware of the source of their resentments. They just become angry at and intolerant of their partners.

Last, I agree with Jess. If the husband goes into a major pink fog, has absolutely no balance and refuses to honor his wife's more moderate boundaries, I think this might be enough for a separation even if there are no other major issues. But I have to wonder ... if the husband can feel that he has the right to such a high level of free reign, how else would this have played out in their marriage even before the CDing became an issue - hence the suppressed build-up of resentment.

I suppose there are just too many variables to come up with a statement that fits everyone.

[AllieSF]

I understand where you are coming from Jennifer, and you know that I do not totally agree with your point that in the "good" marriage crossdressing will "never" break up that marriage because there are probably bigger issues in the background. My point of view is that, yes, crossdressing revealed after the fact can be the principal deal breaker to a long term and a short term relationship. Is it always the reason? No. However, crossdressing is nowhere comparable to a man having a common, acceptable and very time consuming hobby, be it golf, hunting or even riding a bicycle on a very regular basis where they are absent from the family on weekends for extended periods of time. Some things are similar, but when the wife answers her friend's question, "Where is your better half today?", with these other activities she does not have a strange secret to keep from her friend, may not have the potential shame that her husband, her man, is at home dressing up in women's clothes. She has a secret that she probably cannot share and is very hesitant to share with anyone but her closest friend and confidant. It is an added and unwanted burden that now she must carry. Some just can't handle that.

As I always state in my rebuttal to your absolute belief is that with an over 50% divorce rate in the USA, it is a fact to say that most, or at least half of all marriages will end in divorce for whatever reason. Those marriages that endure do that for many reasons, and not all are because of true love. There may be financial reasons, co-dependency, inability to make a very difficult decision, cultural beliefs, shame in getting a divorce and many other reasons. In Lorileah's example of a couple sleeping in separate bedrooms for so many years and the husband berating his wife in front of others, that to me is far from love. Not knowing the details of that situation but having seen many like that in my 66 years of living, it may be love, but one that is really strange to me and not one that I would want to emulate. It sounds like one of the wife's dependency on her provider and her fear of making the decision to escape her continual moments of hell because she may not know how she could make it on her own alone. That is and was very typical of my parents generation. The wives many times put up with the abuses of her husband because they were "supposed" to and because they were totally dependent on those husbands to provide them for their needed support, which is so different from todays generation where many times both parties are educated and have or are working professionally, both supporting their family and life styles.

As for people getting married for the wrong reason, that is a definite true statement. However, how do you define true love when you are just out of college and meet the woman or man of your dreams? How do you know that both parties will mature, grow, learn and continue to be, more or less, the same person that they fell in love with when they got married? That in my opinion is not easy at all. People change over time, one may go from being very liberal to being more conservative while the other may change the opposite way. One who was active, may become more sedate and truly enjoy those quiet moments at home watching the boob tube, while the other misses those moments out doing things away from home. So many differences may arise that introduce changes into a relationship that eventually sour that same relationship, even when the communication process works well.

Were these people truly in love when they got married? I would say that, yes, the majority probably were, with great hopes that they would live together forever. Was it a mistake for them to get married in the first place if they eventually got divorced? To me, if they enjoyed their time together and neither was abused by the other during that time, I would say no. We make decisions several times a day, most inconsequential to the overall scheme of things. When we get married, I believe that most of us are making hard decisions based on what we see around us and our ability to make sound decisions, based on what we think may happen in the future, and what we have learned to-date based on our own experiences and what we see around us, i.e. it is a decision based on what we know and think at that moment.

As for marriage being forever, I guess this continual discussion about crossdressing not being the main reason for a divorce has got me thinking about it in a different way. Who says that marriage is and should be forever, a religion, common sense, a rule of nature? We are creatures of nature and in nature there are very few creatures that mate for life. It is well known that the male sexual drive is stronger than a females for the propagation of the species.

Since we do not live in tribes anymore, similar to a pride of lions where the group in many ways looks after the safety and care of its members, providing food and defense from outsiders, teaming up in a long term relation where both sides provide services to and for the other and work toward the support of the other is a logical way to make it on our own with the family becoming our small tribe. Most religions since way back have had provisions and procedures for divorce. Why? Because they realize that not all unions are made in heaven (non-religious view) and practically speaking not all relationships were made for the long term no matter how well they started with all the great and good intentions involved.

Using my experience to a situation very similar to Lorileah's example, my uncle was a driven man who was successful financially and provided well for his family. He was also the controller in the family and everything was done his way. He was loud, arrogant and could be a very rough person at times. Later in life as an alcoholic he was very hard to be around. His wife, my wonderful and sweet aunt, suffered from all the abusive manners that my uncle exhibited in front of others and probably a lot worse when in private. I knew that he loved her and that she in her way loved him very much. But it had to be pure hell for her to continual being there every day, day after day, not knowing when nor how he may react to his abuses, and these abuses were not physical in any way. She suffered late in life from several stress induced illnesses that basically forced her to stay at home. The abuses were verbal and based on control and fueled by his own personality and the alcohol. She stayed with him because in that generation that is what you did and she had no way to support herself if she ever decided to divorce. Yes, there was definitely mutual love, and yes, there really was no easy way to escape the love/hell relationship for my aunt.

In summary after this long post, I think that we all should make very special efforts to make our relationships work, but as is obvious from the statistics, that does not always work. However, when whatever it is that brings down a relationship, including crossdressing, there may be no reason nor benefits to live in a situation that is non-beneficial to all involved, including those innocent children. Therefore, a divorce is in order and is best for all over the long run. And yes, crossdressing all by itself can be a major reason, above all other ongoing typical marriage issues, that can be much more than the straw that breaks the camels back. If an SO cannot accept it for moral, religious, cultural reasons, or decides that the burden that it puts on them and the family is too much to handle, they have every right to decide not to accept it as a part of their daily married life and is more than grounds for them to opt out of the relationship.

[Kate Simmons]

Not every situation is the same. CDing largely contributed to the end of my own marriage of 31 years.

[Sometimes Steffi]

I have a CD friend who is getting divorced over crossdressing.

Was it the only thing? I don't know. Maybe or maybe not.

Was it the last thing? The thing that broke the camel's back? Definitely.

[JennyLynn]

Jenn
All the lengthy previous posts.... you summed it up!! You win for using the fewest words to sum it up !

[Judith96a]

Jennifer,
I think that Alice and Dawn have a point. If the SO perceives cross dressing as totally repugnant / morally wrong the i can't see the relationship surviving regardless of duration.
I suspect, though, that the perception of having been deceived for so long is the real relationship ender.
As for your question, I think it's the level of commitment that's important. The duration of the relationship is relevant but there are loads of other factors. As with everything to do with this "thing" of ours, it's complicated. Now there's a surprise!

Regards
Judy

[Joanne.England]

I. Think it could. If my SO found out I would be sleeping in the car.

[SherriePall]

Will it end a long-term relationship? My experience is no. I told my wife after nearly 25 years of marriage. It took a couple of days before she stopped crying and not talking to me. I dreaded going to work. I dreaded coming home. I sincerely dreaded living for those couple of days. I simply lost my will to live (and I later told her that for those days I really didn't care if I lived or not).
We started talking, with her asking the usual questions and my answering them in the usual manner. For a while there was some lighthearted banter about CDing. Now we seldom talk about it (nearly 15 years later). She hasn't seen me and has voiced no desire to since an early-on maybe.
OK, I'm rambling. We did not break up. Though I figured it was over. She did, however, say in those first couple of days that if she knew before we got married that she would not have married me.
So, I consider myself one of the lucky ones even though she doesn't share this with me in all but a few aspects (lingerie washing and space sharing).
Maybe if I had some other qualities she did not like at the time, it might have been all over.